Lore

Hey gang, Harrison Horsecock here with my annual GFFL Draft Analysis! Year after year, these reviews prove to withstand the test of time. Who could forget last year’s review where I correctly predicted an LLC vs. Lomanto championship that would be the most shocking and disputed game ever played in the GFFL? “Realistically, I could […]

The GFFL officially announced their draft details this morning at their annual father-son breakfast. “Tractor is dead ass gay,” said Mike Anich. “He sucks a wang with the best of them.” While it wasn’t news that Rock enjoys cock, there were a few surprising details revealed during the event. For the past several weeks, the […]

(Editor’s note: Harrison Horsecock apparently felt that he was too important to write an introduction or lead-in article.) Pedro: It was only fitting for Pedro “Stupid” “Adolf” “Cock Nose” “Matthew” Close to award himself first pick of the 2020 draft after awarding himself the 2019 league championship in what will forever be considered the most […]

Good morning. As the sun rises on the 2020 fantasy football season, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on 2019, and to recognize the current champion of the GFFL, Pedro Degassi. Not only is he an excellent commissioner, overseeing the premier fantasy football league of Fulton County NY, but he has also established […]

Hello and welcome to the GFFL DGB (Degenerate Gambling Breakdown). This will be the weekly breakdown of all the matchups and best bets of the week. Along with any other nonsense that comes up between now and when we put lil Stalin back in his place as the mundane subpar fantasy player that he truly […]

Every year, hundreds and hundreds of players manage to fall through the cracks and off the radars of even the greatest fantasy football professionals. So it should come as no surprise that the inbred mouth breathing members of the GFFL (Fulton County’s premier fantasy football league) can’t manage to predict every breakout player either. Hey […]

When league commissioner Pedró Close asked me (in Spanish) to write a weekly column, I didn’t know what he was saying because I hardly speak any Spanish. But after using Google translate and subsequently spending the next 4 hours jerking off to Mexican transgendered pornography, I said “Yes” and began work on my first column. […]

Dogger vs JOE!: The pick was Joe behind the logic that he actually cares enough to change his team name, and did a great job on the new one. Result: Joe Won outright. Mike vs Mike: The pick was “Moville today, Hoville tomorrow,” who was a slight favorite. Chest Daddy covered by 46 points. Hot […]

As the season plows ahead, and injuries and breakouts reforge the fantasy football landscape as we know it, it’s important that we reflect: Reflect on 2020 as a whole, reflect on the fact that just a few months ago, the mere notion of an NFL season couldn’t have sounded more preposterous if it came from […]

Week 2 in the GFFL has come and gone and I’m currently getting a hummer from a transgendered, quadriplegic, homeless man. No time for intros. Let’s dive right in. MERGER/RELEGATION It happened to the AFL and the NFL. It happened to the ABA and the NBA. It happened to the AL and the NL. With […]

People always ask me, “Harry, how are you so good at fantasy football?” The easy answer is because I refuse to allow any Mexicans, Jews, or Oriental minorities on my teams. But the more complex answer is because of hard work, determination, mescaline, and that relentless drive to become champion. Those are the exact things […]

Sup honkeys, welcome back to the DGB. Had to take a week off to recover from the beat down at the hands of TE University. Fuck Josh Jacobs. For the first faceoff we have Sloppy Joe La Porta going up against registered molester Mike “Chester” Lomanto. When asked for a comment on the matchup, Joe […]

Week 3 is in the books, folks. Let’s test your mental acuity before diving into what is sure to be a very heavy column. I’m going to show you photos of three men. Can you distinguish which one of them has Down’s syndrome? SLOPPY JOE’S SLOP OF THE WEEK In a matchup between two semi-retarded […]

It’s no secret that sports are known for the fun and competitive nature they instill in man. But sometimes overlooked are the aspects of humility, compassion, and comradery they also bring about into the world. Michael “Moose Mess” Gallup (WR, Dallas) is confirmed to have the lowest recorded IQ of any NFL player in written […]

With the postponement of Sunday’s Steelers – Titans game rendering Week 4 of the NFL completely meaningless, we have some time to step away from football and take a look at some of the pressing and controversial topics society is struggling with today. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, […]

Sex. Great as is but no doubt enhanced with the addition of butt plugs shaped like little footballs. Sex drives everything we do. Just ask Randy, who has traded players for sex with 8 GFFL league members since his admittance to the league in 2017. In that spirit, welcome to a very special sex-themed edition […]

Four weeks of fantasy football have come and gone, Summer has completed its metamorphosis into Fall, and COVID continues to take its toll while GFFL league owner Vinny “Scones” Mosconi somehow continues to escape its wrath, much to the dismay of everybody. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here with […]

Welcome to a very special Wednesday edition of TMTT. Wednesday is a day that is near and dear to my heart due to the incredibly gay shit Commisioner Close and I did together each Wednesday night in college as precocious freshman at the State University of New York at Oswego. We reserved that day for […]

Another week is officially in the books, and unfortunately weed is still illegal on a federal level. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and you know what Week 6 means: time to take a look at this year’s Civil War Match of the Year! Every year people always ask me: […]

Moose Knuckle Pronounced: [mus ˈnʌkəl] Definition: A man’s version of a camel toe. The result of wearing Spandex, or pants that are way too tight – resulting in an unsightly bulge of the testicles. Sentence: Check out the moose knuckle on that fat fuckin’ bastard! Morning, men. Wicked hangover this morning after aggressively celebrating the […]

I love fantasy football, man! What other sport has mid-season bowl games to end the first half of the regular season? If you’re still reading, you’ve likely deduced that Week 7 will be dedicated to the classic first half of the season bowl matches the GFFL is known for holding. Hey gang, 6 time cock […]

For those that are new to my work, not only am I an internationally acclaimed fantasy football blogger and photo editor, I am perhaps best known on the Twitter circuit for my scathing social commentary and pursuit of the truth using methods some would view as “unorthodox” but effective. Just look at some of these […]

Hey gang, for those of you who may not know me, I’m Harrison HorseCock, 6 time cock push up world champion and internationally renowned fantasy football blogger for the GFFL. I say that because for the first time ever, we here at the GFFL are bringing you a collaborative effort between myself and my colleague, […]

New England Patriots – an overrated football team owned by a sex deviant, coached by a fat, mumbling and bumbling douchebag whose historical success is predicated purely on the performance of a 45-year-old man who makes out with his children, and quarterbacked by an African American transgendered woman who speaks in hieroglyphics. Patriotism – the […]

Ham or turkey? Bologna perhaps? Fuck you. Hey gang, Harry HorseCock here, and those are just some of the questions we’ll be answering for you here in Week 9! After a roller coaster first half of the season that raised many more questions than it did answers, we’re going to try and dig in to […]

Typically, I start my mornings with a cup of hot, black coffee, a steady drip of morphine through an IV, and a finger up the rear end from a Zimbabwean midget. But I simply don’t have time for that this morning, god dammit. I have a column to produce. So fuck me sideways with a […]

At approximately 6:40 PM on Monday November 9th, an act of terror so heinous it’s almost beyond comprehension was committed in the Hamlet of Meco, NY. If you haven’t already heard, Meco resident Conrad Chapin had his Trump campaign sign stolen from his front lawn by what appears to be multiple perpetrators.  Hey gang, Harry […]

Metaphorical elephant in the room: The 2020 GFFL fantasy season has been more wild and unpredictable than Courtney Gardner after she funnels 2 pounds of bath salts directly into her colon. Actual elephant in the room: Timmy Giblin. Who now sits at 8-2 in the Poyfair League after dismantling Tammy McCue like he did that […]

It’s 4:00 PM on Tuesday Week 11 and I have as much hope and inspiration for finishing my weekly column as GFFL owner Joe La Porta has in life. (If you haven’t heard, after being fired from his job late September, Joe has yet to hear back from any of the thousands of potential jobs […]

Morning, men. We’ve made it to the final week of another regular season and after some well needed R&R on my week off, I’m recharged and ready for the playoff push. Before we dive in, let’s take a quick look at how I spent a well-earned Bye week. Finally filmed and released my biopic entitled […]

Hey gang, Harry HorseCock here, and with only one week left until playoffs, we’re going to answer the question on everyone’s mind? – What’s Up With Wayne?!: I would say “what’s up with the NFL”, but according to Wayne Root, the NFL won’t be around much longer due to the ongoing “kneeling” protests by players […]

Wow. What a week, huh? To me it all felt like a bad acid trip. Mainly because I WAS on a bad acid trip where I hallucinated that I was a tampon stuck in Pookie’s cunt for 8 straight hours. Once I snapped out of my delirium and sent my piss-stained sheets through the wash, […]

While the radical left ESPN fantasy app may say it’s officially Week 14 and a playoff bracket has been filled, in reality the Week 13 playoff push is far from over. With 6 teams fighting for the final 3 spots and all Week 13 games reporting 100% of the point totals, it will now be […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Dirty “Stupid” Pedro @ H.S. Jack “PantsPisser” Pierreson Overview: I think it’s safe to say that nobody will be paying attention to this week 1 snooze-fest. The only reason this is a “rivalry” is because these are two of the worst franchises in league history. There have been eight seasons of […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Quick, what’s the first word that comes to your head when you think of fantasy football? I’d be willing to bet that it isn’t “consistency.” Fantasy Football is one of the most unpredictable sports on the face of the earth. In a world where un-drafted players carry their teams to […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins With the 2013 GFFL draft completed, lets take a look at how the league stacks up against future champion Pat Kennedy. 1) Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat Kennedy): From the moment the first pick was in, you couldn’t help but get that feeling that Pat’s 2013 squad was in line […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. .9 – Percentage of leagues that Kenjon Barner is owned in, including our own after he was selected by Pat Kennedy with the 185th overall pick. Beyond the Number:  Barner is the least owned player […]

Originally published by Kaunandodo Some random thoughts that may or may not be related to fantasy football: Eric Close’s highly anticipated Oakland Avenue fort remains under construction…sources say missing building permits are the cause for the years-long delay but Close himself has denied these reports. Close says the project is on target for a mid-2014 […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The Dirty Burger (Matt) (0-0) @ Chalupa Batman (Jack) (0-0) Phil: MATT How often does the best team in the league lose to the worst team in the league? I like my chances with Matt this week. Plenty of big games are in order for his starters, while Jack’s squad faces […]

Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei The age old question comes up in conversation just as frequently as you talk about it: “If I were an animal then what would I be?” Philosophers the likes of Aristotle (cat), Plato (turtle), and Confucius (whatever eats Aristotle) have pondered the same burning question that red faced 14-year […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Putting together these team name rankings was extremely difficult. I began to realize that there was an awfully frustrating trend among the names this season, in that except for one, every single team name is really fucking average. First, let’s take a look back at some names that have garnered […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. 15 – The lowest high point man for a GFFL team in week 1. Beyond the Number: Shane Vereen pranced all over the Buffalo Bills defense like he was a ballerina, a skill probably taught […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The cat’s ass has spoken. Week one is in the bag folks. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed fantasy football season, and I’m almost sad to see that one week has already gone by so fast. We laughed, we cried, and then there was Brent. On to the […]

Originally published by Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt da1st Throughout the year, the most superior GFFL analyst, Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹ will break down the top 3 teams as Contenders or Pussy ASS Pretenders and get liquored up with one Wild Card Contender team. 1) Chester (1-0) Easily the best team in the whole league. Not only does he have the second best […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Week 2 Expert Picks Before we hear what our resident experts have to say this week, let’s take a look at last week’s results: Philadelphia C.: 3-3 Longwei: 3-3* Shitty Bill: 2-4 Kaunandodo: 2-4 *Longwei’s accurate prediction of 46 fantasy points for Peyton Manning has launched an investigation into the validity […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Here are the 12 teams of the GFFL, ranked from first to worst. 1) Matt: You’ll notice I haven’t included team records in this weeks rankings because they are, quite frankly, irrelevant. This isn’t the league standings page, this is the power rankings. Matt may have lost in a very unfortunate […]

Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei We tend to put the lives of pro athletes on a pedestal. However, after contacting Detroit Lions RB rising star Joique Bell, a quick glimpse into his existence provided a new portrait of the life led by large African-American men. 3:00 AM: Reggie Bush wakes me up crying again. This […]

The Aftermath As Week 2 concludes in utter dismay, Dwight Shrute is on the scene to deliver a new weekly segment entitled “The Aftermath.“ Just the beginning of a miraculous form of journalism that will dive deep inside the rectum of the competition over the long, long weekend. It will soon be a piece consistently sprinkled […]

Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. (This week we will look at five numbers that impact the top 5 teams in the standings to this point in the season) 1 – The number of 2-0 starts Marco has gotten off to, including this season, in his GFFL […]

Originally published by The Pondering Indian Week 1 of the Pondering Indian: It looks like the matchup of 0-2 Pat and 0-2 Jack seems to be critical for their playoff endeavors. According to a recent article, only 3% of fantasy football owners went on to to make the playoffs after starting 0-3 in their respective head-to-head leagues last […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The GFFL experts are back again to pick Week 3’s winners. Let’s take a look at the season standings (Last week’s record in parenthesis): 1) Longwei: 7-5 (4-2) 2) Shitty Bill: 5-7 (3-3) 2) Kaunandodo: 5-7 (3-3) 2) Philadelphia C.: 5-7 (2-4) 5) Dwight Schrute: 4-2 (4-2) 6) Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹ 0-0 […]

GREG BLOWERS The Associated Press With the culmination of the third week of NFL play comes a disturbing case of sex abuse out of Philadelphia. Following the Philadelphia Eagles 26-16 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, several members of the team decided to clear their heads with a road trip to […]

Originally published by The Pondering Indian Average points per fantasy team has dropped steadily with each successive week: Week 1: 102.58 Week 2: 91.75 Week 3: 80.92 Interestingly enough, this was the highest scoring weeks in the 2013 NFL season (touch under 47 ppg). So what’s the deal? Bad fantasy management? The curious case of AJ […]

Originally published by Dwite Schrute Its clear that last week’s pilot article left readers begging for more to come, such like Brent does when starring down the barrel of an erected penis. So due to public request, Dwite Schrute is back this week to deliver The Aftermath of Week 3. ( A little late but as a […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Where’s BenJarvus Green-Ellis? We need a lawyer here, folks.

Originally published by Shitty Bill A gruesome story out of Galway, New York this afternoon, as well-respected area outdoorsman and high school chemistry teacher Jeff Gardiner was arrested and charged with first degree murder. Kate Brown, a colleague of Gardiner, was found slain in a room described as her “man cave” on the second floor […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Marijuana legalization in a few select states has tourists preparing to travel en masse to sample fully legal pot, a truly exciting prospect long overdue in this great nation. For athletes playing in Washington or Colorado, the assured access to high-grade marijuana has surely been both mentally and physically relieving. […]

Originally posted by Philadelphia Collins It’s good to be back. Few things have filled my life with arousal the way the GFFL has. Unfortunately, my recent pregnancy has kept me away from the keyboard for the past couple of months. It’s been a long, rewarding journey giving birth to a baby walrus, but now I’m […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill 1. Know-gay-no Moreno (Joe) Joe has had a very steady season and finds himself in first place entering Week 12. Joe, a wily old GFFL veteran, will lull you in with that gentle smile and then steal your lunch money and blame it on his dementia. 2. Turtle Creek Totem Scrotums (Vose) […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Following Chicago’s 45-28 victory over the Dallas Cowboys Monday, Jack Banana Peel was eliminated from the GFFL fantasy playoffs. Shortly after, he released this statement: “Now that the season is over for me I can disclose the secret to my late run at the playoffs. After a horrible 1-4 start […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Shortly after Jack’s admission, Matt Close released a profanity-laced tirade against several league members following his elimination from the playoffs. “I would have beat anyone else in the league except for Brent. This is so fucking retarded, dude. No like seriously do you know how many times this happens to […]

Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The playoffs are finally here. Alright, I guess they started last week, but this week is the first round that really matters. Now that we’ve eliminated the teams that don’t belong (Sorry Matt and Jack, you pussies), we’re left with the real cream of the GFFL’s crop. In two pathetic […]

Originally published by Shitty Bill Twenty-five seconds after the Baltimore Ravens’ win over the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, Calvin Johnson was found naked, whipped, and strung up on a street sign at the north end of Mack Avenue in midtown Detroit. Joseph La Porta, 22, of Gloversville, NY was arrested after being spotted […]