Hey gang, for those of you who may not know me, I’m Harrison HorseCock, 6 time cock push up world champion and internationally renowned fantasy football blogger for the GFFL. I say that because for the first time ever, we here at the GFFL are bringing you a collaborative effort between myself and my colleague, Pat Fenis. Since my first post, my fantasy football blogging career has taken off, as fans from far and wide follow and write to me on a daily basis seeking assistance with Pokémon-Go or just general inquiries about my Tik-Tok spoofing career. Yeah, life’s been pretty wild since making it big, but not wild enough to stop me from writing my weekly column. Let’s dive in!
What do Vinny, Pennsylvania, and dozens of pre-pubescent boys have in common? They all love Subway Philly cheese steaks, and they’ve all been fucked by Jerry Sandusky. Flashback to the year 2003. Vinny is 12 with an asshole ripe for the picking, and he’s just been offered a job as the Penn State ball boy. As if life couldn’t get any better, he meets a nice older gentleman named J-Jizz who sodomizes and brings him Subway sandwiches regularly. Fast forward to 2020. Vinny’s asshole is loose and used up, but that won’t stop Joseph “Jizz” LaPorta from giving it one more good stretch on his way to this year’s Jerry Sandusky Award!
Awarded annually to the team that literally and metaphorically sodomizes Vinny both on and off the field, the recipient of the 2020 Sandusky award is truly an inspiration to all of us for his dedication to excellence in the field of Scones sodomy. His countless hours spent practicing and perfecting his craft reflect the sheer will and desire he has to be the greatest Scones sodomizer of his generation. Without further ado, I give you this year’s Jerry Sandusky Award winner, Joseph “Jizz” LaPorta!
Flashback to 2011. Vinny is about 5 or 6 years older than he was back in ‘03, and he’s a college man living on Subway sandwiches and rimjobs now. Despite the close relationship he maintains and enjoys with J-Jizz, he elects to go to the highly regarded SUNY Cobleskill instead of Penn State. It’s early in the morning on Saturday, November 5th, and Vinny is enjoying a nice bowl of Reese’s Puffs while watching some Saturday morning hardcore Asian horse porn on his parents couch. It’s at this exact moment he see’s a familiar face pop up on his TV screen – the unmistakable face of J-Jizz, with the name “Jerry Sandusky” right below it. But it was the words that followed that really hit Vinny in the pit of his stomach – “Accused of sexually assaulting dozens of children over a period spanning more than 15 years.”
Vinny was devastated. Crushed. Empty. He couldn’t believe it. Not only was J-Jizz actually a 60+ year old man named Jerry Sandusky, but he was also a top ranked serial pedophile in the nation. The realization that he was not J-Jizz’s one and only made his asshole ache. Vinny fell to his knees, hunched over while sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for breaths between sobs, shaking, trembling.
Fast forward to Week 7 2020. GFFL commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close is sitting in front of his computer screens on the 14 inch black dildo he affectionately calls “Gus”, when a thought we all regularly have pops into his head: “How can I fuck Joe over this week?” After tricking Joe into eating 2 and a half poop popsicles, Pedro made a move that almost earned him the 2020 Sandusky award. Originally intended to fuck Joe over, Pedro traded away Deebo Samuel, “Scummy Scary” Terry McLaurin, and Travis Kelce to Vinny for his garbage – Michael “Muffins” Thomas and Mark Andrews – all so that Vinny could beat Joe. And with a last second injury to Joe Mixon helping his chances, it started to look like Scones might actually get his first win since Week 1.
But Joe had something else in mind. Hentai rape porn, to be specific. And after spending the next 18 hours after the trade locked away in his room glued to PornHub, Joe would finally be ready to sodomize Vinny in the 2020 Hand Job Nails & Spa Bowl.
Flash back to 2003. A 12 year old Scones lies spread eagle on the floor of the Penn State showers, the lenses of his glasses fogged up from the steam of the scalding hot water, when Jerry “J Jizz” Sandusky walks in…
Fast forward to the 2020 Hand Job Nails & Spa Bowl. Devante Adams is dangling his dong all over Vinny’s team in an eerily similar fashion to J-Jizz hanging his wang above a 12 year old Vinny’s anus. And in an even bigger coincidence, it was reported that Joe’s nickname is also “Jizz”, and has been since – you guessed it – 2003! Creepy! Even running a two tight end set with Travis Kelce and Noah Fant wasn’t enough to save Vinny’s loose b-hole from destruction. Not only was Joseph “Jizz” LaPorta blasting out Vinny’s asshole, but Joe’s entire team was brutally raping Vinny’s. In one instance they even physically assaulted Deebo Samuel to the point he required medical assistance and will likely miss at least 2 more weeks. Remember how I said Pedro almost won the 2020 Sandusky in a trade that was originally intended to fuck over Joe? Well it’s starting to look like he may have Sandusky’d Vinny in this one.
That is, until Joseph “Jizz” LaPorta revealed he had not only sodomized Vinny in the Hand Job Nails & Spa Bowl, but he had also sodomized Pedro beforehand as well. In a shocking turn of events, Joe confessed to flying over to Michael “Muffins” Thomas’ house on Wednesday night – prior to the trade – and forcing him to tear a hamstring in a convoluted and unexplained scheme. After the move, Joe immediately found himself elbow deep inside both Vinny and Pedro, and as the top ranked team in the league after annihilating Scones in fantasy football as well. As for last place Scones, well, he found himself in an all too familiar position…on his knees, hunched over while sobbing uncontrollably, gasping for breaths between sobs, shaking, and trembling.
Welp, that about does it gang. Big congrats to Joe “Jizz” for winning this year’s Jerry Sandusky Award! Please feel free to reach out to myself or any other member of the GFFL writing staff on whichever social media platform you prefer with any questions, comments, suggestions, Pokémon-Go questions, or any issues you may have with us (especially if you have issues with us or were offended by anything you may have read). You can reach me and my colleague Pat Fenis on Twitter at @HarryHCock and @HCockJohnson. And since this is my last article until after Election Day, anyone who goes out and votes for Biden, uploads a picture of it to social media, and tags us in it will get a special surprise from us here at the GFFL! Ciao for now!