Wow. What a week, huh? To me it all felt like a bad acid trip. Mainly because I WAS on a bad acid trip where I hallucinated that I was a tampon stuck in Pookie’s cunt for 8 straight hours.
Once I snapped out of my delirium and sent my piss-stained sheets through the wash, it was clear to me that Week 13 was bound to be one for the GFFL record books.
Let’s begin by taking a look at some of the matchups that factored into the final playoff picture.
OJ’s OG’s (170.68) @ Team FuckJacksLife (108.94)
With Pookie all but assured Relegation, all the pressure was on Rock to save his season after dropping 5 of his last 6.
After starting off 5-1, Rock found himself at .500 and wondering whether he should self-relegate to the Poyfair League out of shame.
But alas, new hope arose for Rock with a massive point dump out of the DC area as dusk fell on Monday, and a playoff spot was all but solidified after what can only be described as point bukkakes out of both San Francisco and Buffalo later in the evening.
Rock heads back to the playoffs where he will take on a criminally undeserving 4 seed in PK.
MR ASS + MA HOMIES (90.72) @ Stupid (88.96)
Speaking of criminally undeserving, this matchup couldn’t have gotten any shittier if it was held inside Ariel Snyder’s asshole.
With Mike needing both a victory and a loss from his asexual son to secure the 6th seed, he did his part in a matchup that more closely resembled two Special Ed kids slap fighting in a high school bathroom than a de facto playoff game.
Mike advances to the playoffs on the back of Hayden “Why Does My Anus” Hurst, whose 1.9 point outing proved the difference in this putrid matchup.
The saving grace here, folks? It’s over. And god willing we won’t have to see these two disgraceful teams face off again until 2021.
CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR
Gus the Slow Bus Edwards
Joe controlled his own destiny entering week 13. A win and he was in.
Unfortunately, he put up a clunker, scoring the fewest points of the week and losing to the worst team in the league. Along with contracting scabies and losing all of his belongings in a house fire, it was NOT a great weekend for Joe.
THE Tight End University
A truly remarkable run for Vinny, who sat at 1-7 before reeling off 4 dominant wins in a row to put himself in playoff contention.
Vinny’s Kryptonite, however? That transvestite little whore we’ve all come to know and love.
Scones dropped his 2nd game of the season to Chester, accounting for 50% of Chester’s overall win total.
Wanna be a Waller
Nate did his part to get to 6-7 and had the points to squeak into the playoffs after knocking off the league’s elite in Randy. But it was all for naught since Matt threw his game against Mike in exchange for a lifetime supply of khaki pants from Kohl’s in an effort to emulate his new hero, Steve Kornacki.
As my incredibly racist grandfather once told me, “Close only counts in horse shoes, hand grenades, and shooting colored folks with a shotgun.”
Let’s call it what it is – these 3 missed the playoffs, albeit narrowly, because they suck. They’re buffoons. Their performance simply doesn’t justify their inclusion.
ALL PLAY STANDINGS
But wait…
In an increasingly sabermetric landscape, it is useful to take a deeper look at the numbers and one great way to measure true fantasy success is through the All Play Record Tracker created by our stupid fucking autistic Commissioner, Matt.
This score keeping method ranks you against every other team, weekly, and allows you to accrue anywhere between 0-11 points depending on how many other teams scores you beat.
Let’s give a HUGE congratulations to Matt, Pat, and Mike, who’s ineptitude knows no bounds yet somehow vaulted them to the top of the leader board over three much more deserving players.
Let’s face it – this trio is a better fit for a Shriners Hospitals commercial than the fantasy playoffs.
2020 huh? She’s a real bitch.
ROUND 1 SET
With Randy and Marco securing a Bye, our first round matchups are set.
At 1:00, Matt and Mike will meet for the third time this year in the Michael Vick Adopt-A-Puppy Bowl sponsored by the ASPCA.
At 4:25, PK and Rock will face off in the Vitamin K Deficiency Bowl sponsored by Visine.
RELEGATION FINALIZED
Maybe it’s leftover angst from the time Jack was league commissioner and made us use punters and head coaches, but I for one am pleased to see him go.
Along with Chester and Pookie, we are shipping out trash in exchange for some real treasure.
And just who will be making the leap to the big show in 2021? Let’s learn a bit about our new league mates.
JOSH YOUNG – Young, Dumb, and Fulgham of Cum (9-4)
Favorite Sport: Beating his pregnant wife
Favorite Food: Cumberland Farms hot dogs
Favorite Drink: Monster Energy Zero Sugar
Education: 10th grade
Pets: 1 gerbil (used to be 2 until he saw the Lemmiwinks episode of South Park)
Sign: Aries
TIMMY GIBLIN – Can I Have A Quarterback? (9-4)
Favorite Sport: Getting out of recliner chair to go to dinner table
Favorite Food: All
Favorite Drink: Frosting
Education: Technically a High School graduate but suspect based on limited vocabulary
Pets: 156 rare spotted Japanese koi fish
Sign: “I love you” in sign language
RICKY MORGAN – Burrow your Chubb in my Hines (8-5)
Favorite Sport: UFC
Favorite Food: Knuckle sandwiches
Favorite Drink: Blood of the innocent
Education: N/A
Pets: 1 Pitbull named Jeremy, after the Pearl Jam song about a kid that shoots up his school
Sign: Satanic pentagram
QUICK HITS
Samantha Benton is 3 weeks sober from an addiction to crack cocaine
Vose does some weird shit with his thumb that makes his girlfriend cream herself
It’s Playoff time, baby. Tune in next week where we will look ahead to the Semifinals, and debut the trailer for my new documentary “Starvation” where I spend 6 months as Tom Cole’s dietician.
