I love fantasy football, man! What other sport has mid-season bowl games to end the first half of the regular season? If you’re still reading, you’ve likely deduced that Week 7 will be dedicated to the classic first half of the season bowl matches the GFFL is known for holding. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and although some owners view the Week 7 Bowl Week as an excuse for big business to shove ads down the throats of consumers, others see it as fun rivalry week filled with rich history and dramatic finishes. And while we’ve been able to provide you 6 weeks of ad-free content, we here at the GFFL need to eat too, so Week 7 Bowl Week is being brought to you by all of our major sponsors. So after a majorly uneventful Week 6, let’a finally jump into some bowl games!
The RetarDEX Bowl: Randy vs. Mike
It probably comes as no surprise that Randy is the only GFFL league owner to be completely winless against another active owner. What probably is surprising is that the only owner to be undefeated against another active owner is Mike. Believe it or not, Mike was actually the league leader in total cumulative points scored prior to the controversial PPR reform of 2015. But there’s just something about his annual matchup against Randy that truly brings out his competitive and sociopathic ways, as his 3-0 lifetime record against him indicates. Prior to their Week 7 2020 matchup, Mike changed his team name to MR ASS + MA HOMIES, a clear shot at Randy for his lack of friends.
When asked why his team always does their best against Randy, Mike said “Because I hate that douchebag fuck. Those red shoes and that faux hawk and chinstrap, fuck him.” I then showed Mike a more recent photograph of Randy, to which he replied “I don’t give a fuck.” Before I left him, I asked Mike why he thinks his team hasn’t performed as well as it used to since the 2015 PPR reform. His response: “What 2015 PPR reform?! Fuck! FUCK!! Are you fucking kidding me?! FUCK!! Joe!! Get down to the basement, NOW!!” Crazy stuff. Even if they were drafted as a non-PPR team, you can bet your bottom dollar they’ll all show up to destroy Randy’s team in this year’s RetarDEX Bowl, as Randy’s team likely won’t show up at all again after being a no-show in Weeks 5 and 6.
The Parmela Creamery Aged Nutcheese Bowl: PK vs. Jack
The most played and least respected Bowl Game on the Week 7 Slate, the Parmela Creamery Aged Nutcheese Bowl features two owners that have met a whopping 21 times throughout their careers. With Jack reeling in an unprecedented 15 wins as opposed to PK’s 6, don’t be surprised to see Jack pull himself out of his slump in this one gang. Only 4 things are sure in life: death, taxes, hookers make good murder victims, and Jack beats PK at fantasy football. Simple as that.
The Hand Job Nails & Spa Bowl: Joe vs. Vinny
Somehow, these two teams have only managed to face each other 11 times in the 11 seasons they have both been in the league. In an almost impossible anomaly, Joe and Vinny have never faced off in the playoffs, in the mundane randy bracket, or more than once during the regular season (don’t check my math). And that’s not even the biggest head scratcher here. Somehow, both of these owners have managed to win not just one, but two championships, while never meeting in the playoffs. Astounding. This is the best of the best that the GFFL has to offer gang, which is why they find themselves in the classic Hand Job Nails & Spa Bowl this year. Forget the present and the fact that Scones hasn’t broken 100 points since Week 1, just enjoy the show of excellence sure to be on display in this one!
Chester vs. Natedogg: Due to a lack of sponsors, Chester vs. Natedogg is not an officially sponsored bowl game this year, but that doesn’t mean it’s not important!
The KidSexChange, Inc. Bowl: Pedro vs. Rock
There was really only one possible matchup for this one. With a perfectly even 8-8 lifetime record against each other, Pedro vs. Rock could go either way. And let’s not forget Pedro’s sex change back in the first grade, or Rock’s transvestite “partner” Amanda Snyder back in ‘03. Yep, these teams definitely belong in the old meaningless KidSexChange, Inc. Bowl. With Rock currently being the top ranked team in the league and Pedro the 4th, nobody will give a single fuck who wins this one, just as long as someone loses. Gonna be a fun one!
The Findus Crack-Sticks Bowl: Pookie vs. Marco
Don’t be surprised if this one winds up being the highest scoring matchup of the week. When Pookie and Marco realize they’re playing in the Findus Crack-Sticks Bowl, they’ll be adjusting lineups, making waiver claims, and slinging trades like there’s an 8-ball of choch on the line! That being said, you gotta think Marco will come out on top in this one, and end up with Pookie’s entire paycheck in the process. Either way, this year’s Findus Crack-Sticks Bowl is shaping up to be a fun one!
As an added bonus, here’s this week’s Boner of the Week!
Welp, that about does it gang. All of the pertinent Week 7 Bowl Week info you need in one place. But I gotta get to a rimjob appointment. Enjoy some messages from some of GFFL’s other sponsors until next time. Ciao for now.
