Sex.
Great as is but no doubt enhanced with the addition of butt plugs shaped like little footballs.
Sex drives everything we do. Just ask Randy, who has traded players for sex with 8 GFFL league members since his admittance to the league in 2017. In that spirit, welcome to a very special sex-themed edition of TMTT.
ALL INTERNAL: JONES V. LOMANTO
This weeks matchup between Chester and Randy was an all-timer. With both men vying for a 3-1 start, only one would come out on top while the other would be pegged for a .500 start to the season.
Chester was all but assured of victory by keeping up with the Jones’s, until Julio’s hammy popped like a balloon overfilled with nitrous outside of a Phish concert.
There are few things we like to see more than Chester getting fucked, and this matchup is going in my spank bank for years to come.
Randy wins this one by .92 points to become the first person with a clinical autism diagnosis to sit in 1st place.
BROTHER FUCKERS
Watching the Giants play football is a bit like watching a line of cute little golden retrievers jump off a cliff and plunge to their death one after another.
After a putrid event that was supposedly the game of football, the Giants and Rams came to blows sparked by a long-standing feud between Giants receiver Golden Tate and Rams cornerback Jalen Ramsey.
The issue?: Ramsey had been giving the pipe to Tate’s sister for years and the couple share two children together. Or should I say former couple as Ramsey left Tate’s pregnant sister for a stripper last fall.
With this feud essentially going down between brothers, it got me thinking about other athlete sex scandals involving bro’s and their ho’s.
EARL AND SETH THOMAS
In what was low key the craziest sports story of quarantine, Earl Thomas was held at gunpoint by his wife Nina in early May.
After getting in a fight one evening, Earl left the Thomas household to blow off some steam. Nina used Snapchat to track Earl down and pinpointed his location to an AirBnB in the Austin, Texas area. Nina arrived with 2 friends to find Earl and his brother Seth tag teaming a stripper.
Nina whipped out a Glock 9, but seemingly only to put a scare into the trio.
Earl Thomas hasn’t been signed since the incident.
JON AND JAY GRUDEN
It would be hard to touch on this topic without mentioning the forbidden sexual exploits of the Gruden brothers.
While there are no actual photos or accounts from those close to the duo to confirm the rumors, a Reddit conspiracy says Jay Gruden was fired from the Redskins last year after he was discovered to have been using the Redskins facility to host a series of naked hot yoga sessions exclusively for “brothers in coaching” that would often end in sweaty Satanic blood orgies.
Among those reportedly in regular attendance for the romps were brother Jon, Rex and Rob Ryan, and both Harbaughs.
PAUL GEORGE AND SETH CURRY
It’s my favorite story in sports.
It’s 2015 and Paul George is taking Doc Rivers daughter to pound town.
Paul George cheats on Doc’s daughter with a stripper and gets her pregnant.
Doc’s daughter falls in love with Seth Curry and marries him.
Doc Rivers TRADES for the guy that impregnated a stripper while dating his daughter.
2020 Playoffs – Seth Curry gets a tough And 1 call and calls Paul George a “bitch ass.”
The Clippers embarrassingly flame out of the playoffs due to having “no team chemistry” and Doc Rivers gets fired.
No shit.
TODAY IN NFL HISTORY
What does the name Fred Smoot mean to you?
Aside from having a last name that literally sounds like a bodily fluid that would leak out of you after having your asshole fucked by a horse, most know him as a solid 9-year NFL veteran and the de facto leader of the Minnesota Vikings Love Boat Scandal.
On October 6, 2005, Smoot and over 15 other Minnesota Vikings chartered two boats on Lake Minnetonka and proceeded to have a massive orgy to unwind during their bye week.
Witnesses, including crew members, described “masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, woman on man, woman on woman, toys, and double penetration.”
Additionally, used condoms, KY Jelly, and a variety of soiled sex toys were left strewn about the boat cabin following the conclusion of the fuck fest.
“It’s just friends chilling amongst friends enjoying themselves, that’s all it was man, like I tell people,” Smoot went on to say.
My friends and I never chill like that, but on this day 15 years ago the Vikings proved to us what real friendship looks like.
Well folks, I just blew a load onto my stomach so time to sign off. I’ll be back in Week 5 with a special exclusive: Intervention: Mike LaPorta, where we will take an insiders look at how Mike’s crippling lottery ticket and ebony pornography addiction has contributed to his slow 1-3 start. Until then.
