Originally published by Shitty Bill
Following Chicago’s 45-28 victory over the Dallas Cowboys Monday, Jack Banana Peel was eliminated from the GFFL fantasy playoffs. Shortly after, he released this statement:
“Now that the season is over for me I can disclose the secret to my late run at the playoffs. After a horrible 1-4 start I realized that I, as an owner, was not preparing well enough each week due to an overwhelmingly egregious addiction to masturbation. I am embarrassed to say that it affected my performance in ways that only an addict can understand. I noticed that my incessant whacking off was usually done almost subconsciously to vague, blurry images of men, women and animals on the screen of my Macbook Pro. Before week 6 I decided to make some changes. Using the willpower and patience preached to me during my playing days at MVCA, I conditioned myself to use masturbation solely as a reward following good fantasy performances. I also made Pierre Garcon the only mental recipient of my sexual release. It is my belief that the spiritual and raw sexual energy created during these post-game masturbatory binges manifested themselves more and more each passing week within Pierre Garcon and, thereby, my entire roster. Unfortunately, on the eve of week 14, my penis was ripped off by a bear that escaped from a local zoo. Good luck to the remaining four owners.”