(Editor’s note: Harrison Horsecock apparently felt that he was too important to write an introduction or lead-in article.)
Pedro: It was only fitting for Pedro “Stupid” “Adolf” “Cock Nose” “Matthew” Close to award himself first pick of the 2020 draft after awarding himself the 2019 league championship in what will forever be considered the most suspect year in league history. That being said, after seeing his draft this year, I can see how he needed 12 years to win a chip. His team looks like it was drafted by James Terranova (if James had smoked 4 grams of bath salts just prior to the start, that is). After drafting Christian McCaffrey first overall by some miracle, “Scummy P” decided to draft every scummy player that fell to him in the following rounds. Players like Deebo “Scummin” Samuel, Sterling “Scum” Shepard, and of course “Scummy Scary” Terry McLaurin will inevitably find themselves on the waiver wire or offered in trades for better players Scummy “P” would prefer to have. Expect to see the “commissioner” in the 2020 Mundane Randy. Final draft grade: D+
Rock: You don’t need to look at Rock’s draft to know he was stoned for it, but if you do look at it, you’ll probably get contact high. Initially you’ll probably notice that he was the first team to take a tight end (sorry Scones), but upon further inspection you’ll also notice that he was the last team to take a wide receiver when he took Stefon Diggs in the 5th round. Friends and league members quoted Rock as stating he “wasn’t aware wide receivers would be such a highly targeted position this year,” when they asked him about his bold strategy. I would’ve asked him for his comment myself, however Rock has not been seen or heard from since he ran out of pot and left mid-draft. Anyone with information on his whereabouts is encouraged to contact his friends, family, league members, or 1-800-THE-LOST. Final draft grade: C
PK: When Saquon Barkley fell to PK with the third pick, we all thought it might finally be his year. But in the most PK move of all time, he drafted Zach Ertz in the 4th round, which reminded us that he is still indeed Pat Kennedy and it will most definitely not be his year. That’s bad news and a big bummer for PK, good news for us, but overall this is one more team in the GFFL league owners will not have to worry about in 2020. Expect another typical PK finish of second place in the Mundane Randy bracket. Final draft grade: D+
Randy Fatnuts: From an outsider’s perspective, you might think this league is just Mrs. Nares’ class attempting to draft fantasy football teams. That is, until you get to the Alleged Abusers. Clearly the best team in the league from top to bottom, league members should sleep like WWAD at Pedro’s (in fear) whichever week(s) they play this team. Expect Leonard Fournette to repeat his 2019 numbers with the Bucs, the Steelers D/ST to be the best D/ST in fantasy history on their way to a seventh Super Bowl victory, and for the Alleged abusers to win it all again in 2020. Final draft grade: B+
Scones: Perhaps the biggest surprise of the draft was when Vinny passed on Derek Henry in the first round to draft Michael Thomas. Passed on SCONES HENRY for MIKEY MUFFINS. SCONES passed on SCONES for MUFFINS?! That shit don’t fly in GFFL, and for that, 2020 will not be Vinny’s year. The switch up will be good enough to also switch things up in the GFFL, however, and get Vinny into the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, a round 1 victory and semifinals loss is all this squad can hope to achieve this season. Final draft grade: D-
Marco: In one of the other surprising moments of the draft, Marco was the first to arrive for the second straight year. Even more surprising is the fact that Marco’s draft is actually not bad. A lot of stock invested in the aging Tom Brady could prove to be more disastrous than 9/11 (19 years tomorrow, never forget), but could also pay off more than a bet with Marco. Who knows? One thing is for sure, too much stock invested in the cursed Antonio Brown will surely prove to be detrimental to Marco and his season. After narrowly missing the playoffs in week 13, expect to see Marco’s ragtag bunch of semen slurpers put up the best 3 scores of the season for any team each of the following 3 weeks. Everybody get ready for a bucket of chicken! Final draft grade: C+
HSJ: Speaking of disasters, we have Jack. And don’t even get me started on his draft. It’s clear that Jack didn’t learn much at home school, and even more clear that fantasy football wasn’t part of the curriculum (and that he should have been on United Airlines Fight 175). The worst thing is, his draft was somehow better than the drafts of the other inbred sloth offspring that make up this league. Sure, it’s easy to pick holes in his team with Matt Stafford and Jonnu Smith both starting, but the rest of the team is as solid as a bridge made of balsa wood. Barring any injuries, suspensions, detentions, or two hour delays for his limited receiving corps, Jack may just return to the championship again in 2020, only to lose to the Alleged Abusers in a similar fashion to the great championship of 2017. But that’s best case scenario for this bunch. Final draft grade: C+
Chester: Final draft grade: F
Dogger: With his priorities clearly out of order, Nate Dogg returned to the 518 for the 2020 Jack Off on Saturday, but left prior to the start of the 2020 GFFL Draft on Sunday. Maybe he was tired from looking for his shots in the woods all day, or maybe he thought the 2020 Jack Off was going to be something completely different and left in shame and disappointment. Nobody knows for sure except John John, but what we do all know is that Nate’s draft went down hill as soon as he drafted OBJ. If the 2020 championship were a hot chick at a bar, Nate Dogg had her in the bag; but left early to go jack off. Expect an early finish from Nate’s team this season. Final draft grade: C-
Pookie: If Pedro’s team looks like it was drafted by James Terranova after smoking 4 grams of bath salts, Pookie’s team looks like it was drafted by Pookie after smoking 4 grams of bath salts…which is somehow significantly worse. With the 10th overall pick and his first of the 2020 GFFL Draft, Pookie decided it would be a good time to snag Jonathan Taylor, back up running back for the Indianapolis Colts. Needless to say, league members were shocked, considering his backup status and the fact that Taylor was drafted 41st overall at the 2020 NFL Rookie draft. Despite this, Pookie swore he had a plan. It is unknown if that plan included the hamstring injury likely to keep his second pick, Mike Evans, sidelined during week 1. Although Pookie reached for the overwhelming majority of his picks, there was one bright spot when he drafted CeeDee Lamb about where he should have. Thanks to that, don’t be surprised if you see Pookie scum a win in the Mundane Randy against the scum-master himself, Pedro. Final draft grade: Z+?
Mr. Ass: Ass is right. Much like Pookie, Mike also decided to completely take a shit on his draft in the first round (probably why they look alike) when he drafted a quarterback. Unlike Pookie, however, Mike’s team actually resembles something of a valid and startable fantasy football team. That being said, Mike will still have more work cut out for him than he has WR’s in shaky, questionable situations (which is all of them). Due to the lack of solid Wide Receivers, expect Mike to be running back to the Mundane Randy bracket this year. Final draft grade: C-
JOE!: Last and least, we have Joe. Clearly the team with the most talent at the WR position, Joe obviously wasn’t smoking any of the joints Rock was passing around to league members during the draft. Perhaps a notoriously skilled fantasy football owner, perhaps an even more notorious gambler, Joe put all of his marbles in the Todd Gurley basket this year. You don’t have to ask Chester or the Rams to know how that goes. However, if it does pay off, expect Joe to have a top 75% team in 2020, possibly losing to the Alleged Abusers in the Championship if he can edge past Jack in the semi-finals. A traditional season for a traditional force in this league. Final draft grade: C+