Hey gang, Harrison Horsecock here with my annual GFFL Draft Analysis! Year after year, these reviews prove to withstand the test of time. Who could forget last year’s review where I correctly predicted an LLC vs. Lomanto championship that would be the most shocking and disputed game ever played in the GFFL? “Realistically, I could see this team (LLC) losing a heartbreaker in the championship to Team Lomanto that might go down as one of the craziest matchups in GFFL history.” – Harrison Horsecock, September 2022. If you didn’t read last year’s review, there’s no sense in doing it now since we have a whole new year to think about. Let’s dive in!
Randy “Boosh” Tagliatela – 1st Pick – A-
After what was one of the most abysmal drafts in league history in 2022, GFFL owner Randy “Boosh” Tagliatela bounced back in a strong way. This team farts sour diesel from top to bottom. I think that pretty much says it all. A-
Shaun “Red Rock” Anich- 2nd Pick – B
Burning Man wasn’t the only disaster Saturday. Just ask GFFL owner Shaun “Red Rock” Anich, who I’m told drafted from Burning Man but unfortunately didn’t get stranded in the desert. But what a shit show of a team. Christian McCaffrey, Devonta Smith, Jalen Hurts….and those are the highlights. At least he grabbed Josh Downs(yndrome) in the 17th though; real solid value there! B
Nathan “Nate Dogg” McGregor – 3rd Pick – B+
There’ s some people that you’re never surprised to see win, and then there’s GFFL owner Nathan “Nate Dogg” McGregor. Nate Dogg won the league championship back in 2018, in what many argue was an even more shocking win than Chester’s in 2022, strictly due to the sheer improbability of a literal retard hoisting the Philadelphia Collins Memorial Trophy. I’d say that it looks like his wife drafted for him this year, but I’m confident she would have done a better job. Ja’Marr Chase, Jaylen Waddle, Jahmyr Gibbs – all guys on high powered offenses. What the fuck kind of strategy is that? B+
Matthew “Adolf” Close – 4th Pick – B-
Sticking true to the classic zero running back strategy, GFFL owner Matthew “Adolf” Close went Tyreek Hill, Chris Olive, and Tee Higgins with his first three picks. The first two running backs he finally acquired figure to be committee backs, if not backups all together. When asked if he was worried about his running back room following the drafts, Adolf said, “I’m not worried about it. I’m actually going to add Christian McCaffrey and Cooper Kupp to my team too. Gonna make Kupp RB slot eligible. A running back tandem just the way God intended.” Sneaky, maniacal, clever stuff. B-
Eric “Pookie” Lucas & Patrick “Fat Pat” Lee – 5th Pick – C+
GFFL co-owners Eric “Pookie” Lucas and Patrick “Fat Pat” Lee nearly caught lightening in a bottle with Austin Ekeler (1), Josh Jacobs (3), Josh Allen (2), Travis Kelce (1), and DeVonta Smith (9) all finishing top 9 or better in total points for their respective positions. Ekeler not only paced running backs in terms of scoring, but led all flex players with 372.7 points scored last year. So when they had an opportunity to run it back and scoop Ekeler with the 5th pick overall, many in attendance assumed it would be a no-brainer. Well, after putting their heads together and scraping whatever brain cells they could muster up, Pookie and Fat Pat got the no-brainer wrong and took Travis Kelce instead (316.3 points last year). Now, I get that Kelce is the best at the position and typically outscores the second best tight end by a hefty margin, but this is like picking chicken parm and a reach around from Nini over veal parm and a blowjob from Taylor Swift. Maybe they just wanted to protect Taylor from getting herpes, maybe they don’t know what veal is, or maybe they’re just some of those pussy snowflakes that refuse to eat veal because it’s baby cow, but either way, the pick already seems to be backfiring. As I write this, Travis Kelce’s status for week 1 and beyond is questionable after he hyperextended his knee at practice Tuesday. I’m not docking points for that since this is based on draft day rosters, but even after picking up a few other familiar names from last season (Josh Allen, George Pickens, and Allen Lazard), this team just doesn’t have the same feel to it as last year. C+
Marcus “Popey Crenshaw” DeLilli – 6th Pick – B
It’s not every draft day that a veal parm dinner and blowjob from T-Swift just fall into your lap, but GFFL owner Marco “Popey Crenshaw” DeLilli didn’t hesitate to capitalize on Fat Pookie’s mistake. “Yeah I didn’t expect Ekeler to fall to me, so this was an awesome surprise! Just gonna see if I can get the blowjob from D’Andre Swift instead, but other than that very pleased with this pick,” said Marco. Despite finishing with a thin receiving core headlined by Calvin Ridley, Terry McLaurin, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba, Marco drafted a solid team until the acid kicked in. At least that’s what I assume happened to him and his stupid fucking burning man hippy friends, or whatever the fuck they were doing. In the 11th round, the paranoia set in for the whole Burning Man crew, as Rock, Fat Pookie, and Popey all appeared to anticipate a run on defenses. That run never came to fruition, with Scones being the only other player to select a defense in the following round and half. Overall, not Popey’s worst stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of the classic Boosh vs. Crenshaw championships this league has come to expect over the last half decade again this year.
Patrick “PKW” Kennedy-Walton – 7th Pick – C+
Now, I’m no stranger to controversial opinions, as my push for physical discipline in the classroom was met with as much kickback as my push for making all retarded people live in space. Whatever. Kids are pussies these days, and just imagine a world without Eric Lucas or Nate McGregor and tell me you don’t think sending them to Pluto is a good idea. But I digress. My latest opinion may be even more controversial. Patrick Kennedy-Walton did not win the draft this year. All that inside info he got from his new family this year was evident, as his team looks like the Wal-Mart version of a fantasy football team. Everyone else is building with Legos and setting lineups on their iPhones, but PKW is showing up with Mega Bloks and trying to find the internet app for his LG Droid. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it definitely wasn’t built with fucking Mega Bloks either. C+
Jack “Dick Lumps” Vandenabeele – 8th Pick – D
Perhaps nobody on Earth had a worse draft than GFFL owner Jack Vandenabeele. Unfortunately, Jack didn’t get a single player he wanted this year. Or at least I assume that’s the case, cause his team fucking blows. Maybe he purposely assembled this heaping pile of shit as a way of making fun of the other owners for actually trying to win? Who knows? The highlight of the day for Jack had to be when he got Jaylen Warren in the 11th round, three picks after Najee Harris owner, Fat Pookie, selected the Eagles defense. But with the majority of his team comprised of unproven commodities and veterans far removed from their best seasons, league owners should be licking their chops when they see Jack on the schedule. Nobody had a worse draft, especially when you consider that he was still homeschooled by the time it concluded. D
JOE! LaPorta – 9th Pick- D+
There’s bold, and then there’s stupid. And then, way past stupid, somewhere out on Imbecile Island, on I Suck At Life Blvd, there’s GFFL owner JOE! LaPorta. Where the fuck does this guy get off? Waiting until the eighth round to draft a running back, the 16th to draft a quarterback, and drafting a tight end before Vinny… I assume he was using his father’s (former GFFL owner Mike “The D” LaPorta) infamous sheets, but had a hard time deciphering all the gay porn and ended up with one of the most ass-blastable teams on the schedule. Just a travesty, really. D+
Jarred “Worm” Antonucci – 10th Pick – D+
It’s pretty obvious at this point what half of the draft you wanted to be on. After years of paying his dues and drafting twelfth overall, GFFL owner Jarred “Worm” Antonucci was finally rewarded with the tenth overall pick. And in one of the more shocking developments of the 2023 draft, he only drafted four Packers. Any of the plethora of random GFFL fans out there might even look at that roster and say, “hey, does this guy even like Green Bay?” But when you take a closer look, you’ll realize that Worm actually drafted Davante Adams and Aaron Rodgers as well, the two most prominent Packers of the last decade or so who now belong to other teams. True cheeseheads always say “fuck those two”, but I’m not a cheesehead and am willing to give Worm the benefit of the doubt here and say he probably is a cheesehead. Overall, one of his better drafts. D+
Vinny “Scones” Mosconi – 11th Pick – C+
Scones started the draft off hot with a couple of Scones staples at 11 and 14 overall – Scones Henry and Scones Jacobs, respectively. Nobody saw it coming. There were still plenty of tight ends on the board. But Scones wasn’t done there. Seeing an opportunity early in the fourth round, he seized it and picked up Scones Cooper. Most Scones fans in attendance were on drugs, but that didn’t stop them from cheering as he picked up his second quarterback in the ninth round and second defense in the 16th, making up for some of the disappointment fans felt after he drafted only two tight ends in the first 13 rounds. As if the day couldn’t be any more exciting for Scones fans, he treated them to a grand finale in the 14th and 17th rounds, scooping Scones Samuel and Scones Parker, respectively. What a day. C+
Michael “Chester” Lomanto – 12th pick – C-
Did GFFL owner Michael “Chester” Lomanto remember to bring his sheets to the draft this year, or was he reading off a piece of paper he used to wipe his ass after taking a massive diarrhea dump? Because if it was the latter, that not only explains his ass-nugget of a team, but also explains the pungent diarrhea smell some owners sitting near Chester reported during the draft. Weird that he was the only one who didn’t report the smell to me in the post-draft pressers. Either way, the defending league champion is not looking primed to repeat this year. I’m sure it’ll be fun trying to pick the right one of the three headed quarterback monster he has in Jared Goff, Derek Carr, and CJ Stroud every week, but sometimes you just can’t go wrong (or right). With the pressure to win the coveted Philadelphia Collins Memorial Trophy finally relieved last year in the most improbable fashion possible, it’s clear that Chester no longer gives a fuck. C-
Welp, that about does it gang. Another draft analysis in the books. Tune in for next year’s analysis, and maybe I’ll even drop a couple random articles throughout the season. Civil War Match 2023 anyone? Who knows? Ciao for now!