Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
The Dirty Burger (Matt) (0-0) @ Chalupa Batman (Jack) (0-0)
Phil: MATT
How often does the best team in the league lose to the worst team in the league? I like my chances with Matt this week. Plenty of big games are in order for his starters, while Jack’s squad faces a slew of question marks.
Shitty Bill: MATT
If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times: Jack’s Gay.
Kaunandodo: JACK
ESPN says Jack will win by two.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: JACK
Matt’s team is distracted by Jack’s .gif and falters early on.
Aaron Hernandez On Bye Week (Joe) (0-0) @ Tim Tebow and the Bible Huggers (Ian) (0-0)
Phil: IAN
I’ll be honest… I flipped a coin for this one.
Shitty Bill: IAN
Joe may have one of the most well-rounded starting lineups in the league. I may also be fucking lying. The drunken college senior should win this one, especially at home.
Kaunandodo: IAN
No one ever loses on the weekend following their birthday weekend. It’s a fact.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: IAN
The Matt Ryan/Roddy White combo pounds beer early and often.
Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat) (0-0) @ Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco) (0-0)
Phil: MARCO
The team name alone is enough to sway my vote in favor of Marco, and then he’s got Blair Walsh. Fresh off of his brilliant acting performance on the season premier of “The League,” expect a huge game for Blair. Pat gets his only loss of the season out of the way in week one.
Shitty Bill: PAT
All the Watts’s in the world don’t have enough talent to save Marco from a loss this week.
Kaunandodo: MARCO
I’m predicting this to be the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Marco squeaks it out.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: MARCO
Larry Rothchild once said: “I took this job 4 years ago with winning in mind, and we haven’t accomplished that.” Well Larry, its gotta start sometime.
J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent) (0-0) @ Team lomanto (Chester) (0-0)
Phil: BRENT
David Wilson and Hakeem Nicks are going to combine for 50 points. That alone could be enough to outscore Chester’s entire team.
Shitty Bill: BRENT
The highest projected point total versus the lowest projected point total. No upset special here, folks, as Brent figures to log his only victory of the season.
Kaunandodo: BRENT
If you can’t beat Team Lomanto, you don’t belong in our league.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: CHESTER
Peyton Manning is in for a big week, somewhere in the ballpark of 46 points.
Conky and Co. (Vose) (0-0) @ Weeden Start the Fire (Vinny) (0-0)
Phil: VOSE
Look for both MJD and Cecil Shorts to put up big numbers in their ’13 debuts. The Jags aren’t messing around this year, folks.
Shitty Bill: VINNY
BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK: Cecil Shorts and Maurice Jones Drew miss their game vs. Kansas City after a pre-game stretching routine goes terribly wrong and Cecil’s not-so-short penis ends up inexplicably lodged in MJD’s anus, propelling Vinny to a week 1 victory.
Kaunandodo: VOSE
I can’t see Vose losing a game this year so long as MJD’s anus remains in tact which, as Shitty Bill pointed out, is no guarantee.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: TIE
Down early, Vose’s roster gets double the points for each touchdown from the newly consolidated Short/Jones-Drew character to set himself up for a tie.
The Choom Gang (Shaun) (0-0) @ THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike) (0-0)
Phil: MIKE
I love the Tom Brady vs. Buffalo match-up, and then Mike has Adrian Peterson on top of that. It’ll be tough to outscore these guys.
Shitty Bill: SHAUN
CJ SPILLER!!!!!!!
Kaunandodo: MIKE
Mike wins this week’s best match up.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: MIKE
Bob Griffith Third has a tough Monday night football sketch. Tom Brady has a good Sunday mass.