Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
The playoffs are finally here.
Alright, I guess they started last week, but this week is the first round that really matters. Now that we’ve eliminated the teams that don’t belong (Sorry Matt and Jack, you pussies), we’re left with the real cream of the GFFL’s crop.
In two pathetic first round matchups, Brent and Marco’s well-endowed teams made their opponents look like a couple of pre-teen girls. Since both Matt and Jack are pre-teen girls, it really wasn’t that difficult.
Now that we’ve separated the publicly educated from the home schooled, we have a couple of enticing showdowns on the schedule for this week. I’m Philadelphia Collins, and this is your Dirty-Burger Breakdown:
#1 Turtle Creek TotemScrotums vs. #5 J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY!
Brent is rolling high (and is probably rolling and high) after a dominating, brutal (yet consensual) rape of his first round opponent.
Vose is also feeling pretty good right now after a refreshing, marijuana-filled bye week.
“I smoked a lot of dope,” said Vose, when asked about his bye-week routine.
Not only did the TotemScrotums smooth-talking head coach earn a bye week, but he also locked up the number-one seed, which means one important thing: home-field advantage.
“I’ve seen my fair share of murder,” said one TotemScrotums fan, when asked about the brutal conditions at Turtle Creek’s home field. “I mean like real murder. Like the fans will kill you if you’re on the other team. This is not a metaphor.”
It’s no secret that Turtle Creek is far and away the toughest place for opposing teams to play. Many players wont even show up to the games, due to the brutal home crowd.
“Usually if I don’t feel like getting murdered that day I just wont show up,” said one anonymous McCoy.
Despite the undeniable home-field advantage, I expect Brent’s team to show up in full force. I know J-Roc’s crew will be hyped up, and with Josh McCown making the transition from starting QB to fluffer/head cheerleader, the boys will only be that much more excited.
My pick: Brent 124-101
Just kidding. I don’t care how much Brent’s team “shows up to play,” or “has their work cut out for them,” or “wants revenge,” or any other stupid sports cliche. Nobody is coming out of Turtle Creek alive. The rest of the league is lucky that the Super Bowl is at a neutral site (still to be determined).
My real pick: Turtle Creek wins 142-110
#2 The Bill Crosby Show vs. #3 Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency
In the less-interesting match-up this weekend, Joe’s team will finally be put to it’s long-awaited test. From lucky-70-points-a-week-undefeated-team to steamrolling the league and leading in points, it’s been a roller-coaster season for the son of Mike.
On the other side of the ball, Marco ‘s team is coming off of a hard-fought, ugly win against one of the worst teams in the league.
“It’s really tough to beat a team as good as Jack’s,” said Marco after the game. I can only imagine how tough it must have been. Do you realize how difficult it must be to outscore a team that puts up 71 points? Do you know what it takes to accomplish such a feat? 72 points. It’s a task so difficult, that most competent (and incompetent) human beings could probably accomplish it without even trying. Even Ian and Pat’s teams scored more than 71 measly points. Clearly, the K-W Talent agency has earned it’s spot here in the semi-finals. Well done, boys.
After putting up such a strong, convincing effort last week, the wattsmen must be downright exhausted. I bet they wish they saved some of those 83 (wow!!!!!!!!!!!!) points for this week’s game against the well-rested Bill Crosby show. Despite finishing in a strong second place, Joe’s squad has been the most bi-polar in the entire league.
The question we must ask this week is simple: Which one of Joe’s teams is going to show up? The one that scores 140 points and wins? Or the one that only scores 72 points… and wins? If my logic is correct, both of those outcomes are a win for Joe. You can’t argue with logic.
My pick: Joe 72-72* Joe advances on higher-seed tiebreaker
Be sure to tune in next week for the Dirty Burger Breakdown: Sloppy Super Bowl edition.