Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
With the 2013 GFFL draft completed, lets take a look at how the league stacks up against future champion Pat Kennedy.
1) Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat Kennedy): From the moment the first pick was in, you couldn’t help but get that feeling that Pat’s 2013 squad was in line to do some serious damage. Aaron Rodgers leads this group of guaranteed pro-bowlers, and that includes every starter on the Texans defense and special teams. With no glaring weaknesses and too many strengths to list in this entire column, this team will once again be a force to be reckoned with. Oh yeah and Mike Vick.
Bold prediction: Kicker Justin Tucker is the number one player in all of fantasy, narrowly beating out most of his fantasy teammates.
2) Mike Laporta (Team name TBD): We’ve heard his fool-proof strategy: Take plenty of defense and kickers early, you’ll have plenty of trade bait. What happened? Mike fooled us again, drafting an elite squad while waiting until the end of the draft for his prized defense and kicker. With absolute studs at QB, WR, and of course RB with Adrian Peterson (Hands-down the best fantasy player that isn’t a Philadelphia Eagle), it’ll be tough to beat this team almost every week. The only question left to ask is which Ass-related team name will Mike come up with this season?
Bold prediction: Mike picks up the Raiders D/ST by week 2, propelling himself all the way to the championship game.
3) The Dirty Burger (Myself): I’d like to pay homage to Philadelphia Collins with my team name, may he forever rest in peace. I would’ve put myself first on this list, but I couldn’t put myself ahead of the first two teams. I’m just as much a fan of unbiased rankings as the next guy. That being said, come on, just look at my team. I don’t have to explain myself. Fantasy beasts top to bottom. My bench will outscore most of you guys’ starters every week.
Bold prediction: I win the league? Not really that bold but that’s all I’ve got.
4) Vinny (Team name TBD): I’ve gotta give some favor here to the reigning champion. Yeah, he has a strong core of backs and receivers and a promising young QB, but you have to take a deeper look at this team to truly appreciate it. Is that Eli Manning? Two-time super bowl MVP Eli Manning? The greatest quarterback on planet earth, Eli Manning? AND he’s got Victor Cruz? Wait isn’t his quarterback… ELI MANNING?!?! Have fun on the bench, Andrew Luck.
Bold prediction: Eli Manning puts up the NFL’s first 6,000 yard season en route to the FIRST 19-0 record in NFL history. (Wait I thought the Patriots.. oh yeah..)
5) Team lomanto (Chester): After making a run to the championship game last year, Chester comes into this season with his work cut out for him. It’s safe to say that Mikey put together a strong team this year, with the lack of an impact RB offset by the sheer amount of St Louis Rams on the roster. Aside from all that, he was the first one in the draft to get his head out of his ass and draft a defense, although it was about 10 rounds too late. Although Peyton will likely be living in his brother’s shadow this season, he’s still in line to put up a very strong campaign, and of course AJ Green is a stud. Look for the core of Rams players to come together and lead yet another charge into the playoffs.
Bold prediction: The Seahawks D doesn’t allow any points all year… except for 10 LEG-a-tron field goals.
6) Conky and Co.(Vose): This team looks scary with plenty of strong options between the backs and receivers. I’m not concerned about Beast Mode or MJD, Thomas proved to be a stud last season, and then there’s Gronk who is sure to make an impact later in the year. However, we all know about that adjustment period that teams go through when they transition to a new system. Ever since Lamby announced his retirement last season, there have been plenty of question marks surrounding this team. Will they be able to get it done without Lamby at the helm? My guess is, eh, maybe.
Bold prediction: Team Vose is left without a QB after Tony Romo finally commits suicide, sending his season into shambles.
7) Nomsayin, Seemsayin? (Shaun): Plenty of risk on this team, but even more reward. The talent is definitely there, and I really like what new Head Coach Billy Baker brings to the table. This is my sleeper team for sure, these guys are dangerous.
Bold prediction: LeSean McCoy breaks all four limbs and both testicles against the Giants in week 5, leaving Bryce Brown to carry this fantasy team into the playoffs.
8) Marco (Team name TBD): I know this team should be higher, and it would be if it weren’t for the compelling story lines of the teams above. What good are rankings anyway if the teams with the better story lines aren’t placed closer to the top? Anyway, Marco’s draft strategy was clear: get the best kicker and defense possible. With 2012’s best fantasy kicker and defense on the roster, I don’t see too many other teams outscoring these guys.
Bold prediction: After Christian Ponder sucks again, Blair Walsh takes over under center in Minnesota, ushering in a new era of dual-threat QB/kickers and fantasy football gods.
9) Rams Johnson in Little Brown Hole (Joe): The roster looks good top to bottom, with a combination of solid production and high upside. However, I can’t read or understand or make any real sense of this team name, leaving me no choice but to rank Joe’s squad very low.
Update: Joe changed his team name to a crude anal-sex reference, causing me to leave him in the same spot in the rankings.
Not-Bold prediction: “Kaepernick” is one of the most frequently used terms on SportsCenter over the next 4-5 months.
10) Tim Tebow and the Bible Huggers (Ian): To be honest, I didn’t even look at this roster when making my judgment; the horrible team name is all I needed to see. Ian, please clean up your act and show some respect for this league by removing any association that your team has with Tim Tebow. Maybe then I will consider ranking you higher. You would’ve been last if it weren’t for these next two teams.
Bold prediction: Tim Tebow is incriminated as an accomplice of Aaron Hernandez, and is finally removed from ESPN fantasy football.
11) J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Bernt): There are some really good players on the team between Wilson, Nicks, and the defense, but LeSean McCoy fucking blows. Trade him to Pat while you still can. This same exact team without LeSean McCoy would’ve placed much, much higher.
Bold prediction: LeSean McCoy is traded to Pat in the preseason for Aaron Rodgers and cash considerations, sending Brent’s team shooting up the rankings.
12) Chalupa Batman (Jack): Where do I even begin? Everyone knows that Cam Newton is a terrible QB. Steve Smith was good in like.. 2003. Don’t even get me started on the Patriots’ Defense either. I don’t know what to say, how could a rational human being draft such a disgraceful group of players? Every time I look at this team I want to vomit. Mundane Randy material for sure.
Bold Prediction: Thanks to Jack’s help in week one, I take home this year’s Aaron Hernandez Award with a 74 point margin of victory.
There you have it. I’ll come out with an updated version after week one, but the top three teams definitely aren’t going anywhere.
Power Rankings criteria: 35% Team name, 35% team owner, 5% players on roster, 25% random. 100% bias.