Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
Here are the 12 teams of the GFFL, ranked from first to worst.
1) Matt: You’ll notice I haven’t included team records in this weeks rankings because they are, quite frankly, irrelevant. This isn’t the league standings page, this is the power rankings. Matt may have lost in a very unfortunate week, but he has the best team and that’s a fact. I would not feel comfortable putting anyone else in the top spot, plain and simple.
Rest of season prediction: 11-0, championship victory
2) Jack: Jack has spent a lot of time at the bottom of the rankings so I’m going to give him a week at the top, just so he can experience what it’s like. After scoring 71 points this week, expect Jack to return to the bottom very soon.
ROS Prediction: 3-8, miss playoffs
3) Mike: Mike lost a close one this week after getting a good shafting from Tom Brady. That’s not a bad thing, though; who wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of an old fashioned Brady shafting? Mike may have a loss on his record, but his team is still strong and I expect big things going forward.
ROS Prediction: 9-2, loss in championship
4) Pat: Pat’s team hasn’t worked out well on the field so far, but he gets my high ranking for being such a great owner. The Mike Vick experiment clearly worked, and now there are trade talks surfacing that would vault Pat’s GM status to ‘legendary.’ Let’s just hope that the league’s substance abuse committee stays far away from these guys; they can only say no to drug tests for so long. In other words, these guys are cheating and taking steroids.
ROS Prediction: 6-5, playoff wild card
5) Shaun: The Choom Gang put up 141 points this week, so I have to give them some love. Shaun’s 67 point victory would make him an early favorite for the Aaron Hernandez award, but Chester still holds that honor with a 73-point victory last week. Shaun’s RBs need to show some more production before this team is a serious contender.
ROS Prediction: 7-4, playoff berth
6) Vose: It was a rebound week for the Totemscrotums. Turtle Creek has been long regarded as one of the toughest places to play in sports, and the ‘sacks fans lived up to that billing this week. In all honesty, lackluster performances across the board were bailed out by the Marshawn Lynch 30-point fecal festival on Sunday night. The scrotums need to solidify their RB core in order to keep on winning.
ROS Prediction: 7-4, playoff berth
7) Ian: With Tebow finally out and Geno Smith in, there has been a new sense of motivation and determination around this team. Ian was able to somehow squeak out a win this week, but in my opinion, it was total bullshit. Dez Bryant shouldn’t have scored 20 points. Andy Reid’s failure to throw a challenge flag led to Dez getting about 13 more points than he should have gotten. Yeah, I’m bitter about this but whatever, fuck the Cowboys, they lost anyway. Dez, if you’re reading this (I know you are), then fuck you. And fuck your family.
ROS Prediction: 5-6, wild card contender
8) Marco: Despite somehow pulling out a win, these guys didn’t really have a standout performer. I wouldn’t expect any agency run by the Krajcir-Watts brothers to have any serious talent anyway, so the barely-average performance was expected. Look for these guys to fizzle away quietly.
ROS Prediction: 4-7, miss playoffs
9) Vinny: It was a real tough outing for Vinny’s squad this week, as he didn’t have a single TD outside of his QB. The real issue was on the other side of the ball, though–Vinny’s defense was decimated for a league-high 141 points by The Choom Gang. There’s definitely some offensive talent on this roster, but fantasy football is a two-sided game, and defense wins championships. Vinny is now second in the league in points allowed; the defense must play better if this team expects to win games.
ROS Prediction: 5-6, wild card contender
T-12) Brent: We have a three-way tie for last place this week, with a ton of mediocrity at the bottom of the GFFL. Brent’s team was the beneficiary of a fluke win against a much better team, and if they played 99 more times, Brent would almost certainly go 0-99. Unfortunately, strange things happen sometimes, and Brent collected what could be his last win of the season. The Pryor/Wilson QB platoon isn’t gonna cut it.
ROS Prediction: 1-10, Mundane Randy contender
T-12) Joe: After somehow pulling out a win while scoring a mere 73 points, Joe sits atop the standings while having the second lowest total points scored in the whole league. This team is in for a serious rude awakening next week against the number one team on this list. RIP Cowboys and Redmans.
ROS Prediction: 2-9, miss playoffs
T-12) Chester: Team lomanto takes a pretty serious drop in the standings this week after turning in a pathetic performance. His offensive production dropped by an astounding 58 points, leaving everyone wondering, “what happened?” I’ll tell you what happened–this team just isn’t that good. I don’t understand how I ever put them in first place.
ROS Prediction: 1-10, Mundane Randy contender