People always ask me, “Harry, how are you so good at fantasy football?” The easy answer is because I refuse to allow any Mexicans, Jews, or Oriental minorities on my teams. But the more complex answer is because of hard work, determination, mescaline, and that relentless drive to become champion. Those are the exact things that come to mind when thinking of this week’s guest, GFFL league owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas.
Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and that’s right, this week I’m sitting down with the Nikola Tesla of the GFFL, “Pookie”. In lieu of my traditional re-evaluation of draft picks, I was able to get a rare and exclusive sit-down interview with the wizard himself. As an added surprise, I was also able to obtain statements from team members Chase Claypool and the newly acquired Dalton “Dingleberry” Schultz as they prepared for practice prior to their Week 3 tilt with Amari Christmas. That’s right folks, if you’re reading this, Schultz is officially a member of Team Fuck Jackslife. Eric clearly liked what he saw in “Dingleberry’s” last outing, immediately claiming him off waivers for a whopping $400.
Hey Eric, thank you for having me, and good to see you again. Let’s jump right into this interview with the question weighing heavily on everyone’s mind – how did you know to draft Johnathan Taylor in the first round?: Well I’d obviously be living under a rock if I hadn’t seen what the kid did in college, and after watching him the first few weeks of training camp, it was clear to me that he’d have a handle on the starting role sooner rather than later. Luckily for us, it happened much sooner than we even anticipated with (Marlon) Mack’s injury. I look at teams run by managers like Pedro and Kennedy, guys who called me stupid for taking Taylor in the first round, who are now on suicide watch for passing on him for the likes of Saquon (Barkley) and (Christian) McCaffrey. And they called me stupid. It’s just funny to me now, and I gotta say, I won’t lose any sleep over watching both of their teams tank this year.
Ouch. Pretty heavy stuff, but I’d be hard-pressed to disagree with you. Speaking of other owners, how do you see yourself stacking up against the competition this year?: There’s some really good teams this year. Guys like Marco and Mike really managed to put together some stellar squads. But on the other end of the spectrum we have guys like Chester and Rock who really didn’t seem to put any effort into their teams at all. It’s disheartening to see owners like that in what’s supposed to be the premier fantasy football league in Fulton County, it really is. That being said, I think we can compete. We have the talent and depth; it’s just gonna be up to these guys to go out there and perform every week. As long as they do that and stay healthy, I don’t think a playoff berth is out of the question.
If only it were that simple. Obviously a huge aspect of any successful fantasy football team is management. What do you have to say to everyone that’s criticized how this team has been managed, not only this season, but in years past as well?: As for years past, I can’t say I really blame them. It’s no secret that historically, this team is dog shit, and a major part of that has been my own mishandling as manager. But that was then, and this is now. I guess I’d just tell everyone to look at this year by itself and don’t let our history fool you into thinking this team has been mismanaged. These guys have worked hard, and that hard work shouldn’t be overshadowed by mistakes made in the past that had nothing to do with them. I’d be surprised if anyone is still saying this team is mismanaged by the end of the year.
I asked you if you wanted a cigarette before we started and you said no. Care to explain?: That’s right Har – not during the season this year. No cigs, dope, or drinking until week 16 is in the books.
Strictly hard drugs?: Nope, I’m 100% focused on fantasy football. With teams like Stupid and THE Tight End University allowed into the league this year, I think we have a real shot at sneaking into the playoffs. And our fans definitely deserve it. It’s been a long hard road the past couple of years, (and the couple of years I was allowed in the league back in 08-09) and I just want them to have a playoff team to be proud of. This is going to be one they’ll be talking about for years to come.
Because they might not have a playoff team for years to come?: Exactly. This league is unpredictable, and at any given time, some dumb, cum scum owner like Randy or Natedogg can come along and scum a playoff spot right from underneath you. So we can’t look to the future, and we certainly can’t look on the past right now, but what we can do is focus on this season and do everything we can to give our fans a playoff berth they can look back at for years to come.
That’d be awesome, and I’m sure they’d all love that, but do you think it’ll be difficult to make the playoffs after starting 0-2 and sitting at 10th in the “Points For” category?: I’ve never been a numbers guy, and I always preach to my guys that the numbers and statistics, the wins and the losses, and the points don’t matter. We have a strict policy of not allowing any numbers or statistics or projections at team facilities, and I personally haven’t looked at a statistic or projection in years – not just for my team, but for any team in the league. They just don’t matter, and we’re just focused on right now. I see these guys everyday at practice and I know what they’re capable of. I don’t need “numbers” to tell me, and I definitely don’t need my guys getting distracted by ‘em either. So we don’t focus on the numbers.
Definitely understandable. Before I let you get to practice, one last question – now that we’re a few weeks into the season, is there anything you wish you did differently on draft day?:Hindsight is 20-20 Har. It’s easy to look back and say “I should have taken so and so”, but I got all the guys I wanted this year. The one move I would’ve made differently is trying to take the Steelers defense in the 8th. I know what they say about me – “smells like shit”, “premature ejaculator”, “mentally disabled”. Maybe they’re right considering I missed that defense, haha. Other than that though, I gotta say I’m pretty happy with the squad.
Thanks Pook, great talking with you again and good luck this week.: Thanks Har.
As I left Eric’s office, I ran into Chase Claypool and Dalton “Dingleberry” Schultz on their way to the practice field and managed to get statements from each.
Hey Dingleberry, congratulations on the largest waiver wire signing of the 2020 season so far. Real quick – how does it feel to be a part of Team FuckJackslife, and do you feel any additional pressure after such a pricey signing?: Hey thanks Harry, big fan of your articles and the WCPUC (World Cock Push Up Championship). It’s great to be part of an organization with such a rich history of losing, because it helps to alleviate some of that pressure that comes from the massive signing. On a lot of teams like Marco’s or Joe’s, a player that’s signed from waivers for so much money is going to be expected to produce on a weekly basis. But Eric (Lucas) has made very clear from the start that here, the numbers don’t matter. I can go out there every week with my thumb up my ass and my dick in my mouth and drop every ball thrown my way, and not have to worry about my starting job being in jeopardy. It’s a great feeling, and I’m happy to be here.
Thanks Dingleberry. Chase, being one of the originally drafted members of this squad, how do you respond to comments from team owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas claiming the team hasn’t been mismanaged through this point in the season?: The guy don’t know dick! Muhfugga couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground. Startin’ Benny “Smells” Snell and Robert Gronkowski for a muhfuggin -.9 combined points. That muhfugga couldn’t tell the rain from a muhfugga pissin’ on his back, stupid lil bitch. We lose last week cause he starts those muhfugga’s instead of me or 4 Disk [CeeDee Lamb] and he thinks he ain’t mismanage this shit?! Muhfugga smell like dick too, stupid lil bitch. Dumb muhfugga couldn’t start a sentence correctly let alone a muhfuggin’ fantasy football lineup, stupid lil bitch. Been tryna get this muhfugga to trade me to a competitor like Jack, Marco, or Mike but this muhfugga got too much dick cheese in his ears to hear shit, stupid lil bitch.
Wow. Definitely some turmoil going on in Denver, whether Eric “Pookie” Lucas knows it or not. It’s also unclear whether or not Eric knows that “playoffs” isn’t synonymous with “championship”, however it is believed he indeed does. Either way we’ll definitely be keeping a close eye on Team FuckJackslife for the remainder of the season.
That about does it gang. GFFL league commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close is pressuring me to publish my column by threatening me with the gas chamber, the K is starting to wear off, and Mary V just got here. Ciao for now.
About the author: Harrison Horsecock is a recovering ketamine addict living in 2020. First arrested at the age of 8 for his involvement in the sales of illicit beef jerky (Azerbaijan has a very strict non-elk policy), Harry found himself in and out of halfway homes during his formative years. It was there he first tried methamphetamine, leading him down a road from crack to angel dust to his ultimate love, ketamine. After multiple unsuccessful attempts at rehab and returning to the Azerbaijan streets as a prostitute in search of K, a fellow prostitute taught him the art of the cock push up. The rest is history.