The Aftermath

As Week 2 concludes in utter dismay, Dwight Shrute is on the scene to deliver a new weekly segment entitled “The Aftermath.“ Just the beginning of a miraculous form of journalism that will dive deep inside the rectum of the competition over the long, long weekend. It will soon be a piece consistently sprinkled with poor fantasy substitutions, unfortunate circumstances/injuries, and of course, biased attacks on people simply in the line of fire. Let us look into the Aftermath of Week 2..

IAN (Away) Vs. PAT (Home)

Although Pat put up solid numbers that would have beaten nearly half of the league this week (5 of 11), it wasn’t enough to beat a mediocre team put forth by Ian. Dez Bryant put up 20 points this week, even though (given video evidence) most of those points shouldn’t have been there. Andy Reid’s conservative look on the little red flag in his pocket is the very reason that Pat lost this week. The exchange of points from that questionable call made the difference in this match-up.  In fact, a poll given to all 32 head coaches shows an overwhelming majority of them throwing the challenge flag (31 of 32) *. Who was the odd man out? You guessed it!! It was Andy Reid, a FORMER Eagle that seemingly sought vengeance on his former team by screwing Pat (an Eagle fan) out of a must needed win.

*Virtual poll based on head-coaching 101

BRENT (Away) Vs. MATT (Home)

With Eddie Lacey and Steven Jackson both suffering sideline-worthy injuries early in their games, you would think that even the worst of the worst would have a blowout win with such an advantage.

Leave it up to Brent to make this match-up as close as the love between scumbags on a hot summer night without a thought of a shower for the past 3 months. With a very shaky QB stance in a NFL full of fantasy quarterbacks, one would think that Brent is clearly on track to hoist that Mundane Randy Trophy at the end of the year. Although I was right, I was naive to choose Brent in my Week 2 prediction, as his team squeaked past a bruised lineup by a hair. I’ve learned from my mistake, and hopefully Brent learns fantasy football very, very soon.

JACK (Away) Vs. JOE (Home)

Joe crawls slowly to 2-0 as Jack falls miserably to an opposite 0-2 start. I don’t even know where to begin on this one. It’s easier to analyze when you compare it to a foot race between Hellen Keller and Stephen Hawking. Joe (Hellen Keller)  was at least “running” in this race, maybe in the wrong direction, or maybe straight into traffic, but moving nonetheless. On the other hand, Jack (Stephen Hawking) knew where he wanted to go, but simply didn’t have the leg strength to get there. Both of them contributed to the most embarrassing battle of the week. Congrats.

EDIT: I was right in my pre-week predictions that Boldin would be an absolute bust.

CHESTER (Away) Vs. VOSE (Home)

Upon first glance of this match-up you would think that Chester would get annihilated… and you were right. Like I stated, Chester’s team was granted a miracle in Week 1, but just like the “Make a Wish Foundation,” Chester was granted his one wish just before his miserable path to sure death. A big game from Marshawn Lynch put Chester back into his rightful place in this league: the back of the bus.

VINNY (Away) Vs. SHAUN (Home)

The lineup that Vinny threw to the wolves this week didn’t deserve it; they simply bent over willingly for an intense ass-rape that I personally haven’t seen since the Duke Lacrosse era. Shaun’s receivers broke for 490 yards and 3 TD’s this week while only 2 of his 9 starters put up less than double-digits (12). It’s clear to see that Vinny blew (drew) the short dick (stick) this week, but as the fantasy veterans that we are, we understand it’s bound to happen. Will he bounce back from a mouthful of cum to a satisfied erection? Tune in for Week 3.

MARCO (Away) Vs. MIKE L. (Home)

In the life of a fantasy owner, it’s easier to be blown out than to lose by such a small margin. Speaking from experience, no ASS likes a mediocre pounding. With a “tight” loss to Marco, our eldest of team owners was left begging for more this week. Both teams had players that flipped 180 degrees from week one, while both also had players that fell back down to Earth. This just goes to show that fantasy football is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’s dark future: You have an idea of what could happen, but at the end of the week, you could be the one grabbing dick on a stage of your peers.

Originally posted by Dwite Schrute