As the season plows ahead, and injuries and breakouts reforge the fantasy football landscape as we know it, it’s important that we reflect: Reflect on 2020 as a whole, reflect on the fact that just a few months ago, the mere notion of an NFL season couldn’t have sounded more preposterous if it came from the mouth of former league owner Big Baby Bernt himself, reflect on Columbine, and most importantly, reflect on the 2020 GFFL Draft Analysis.
Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here and, you guessed it – it’s already time to revisit my preseason draft analysis! Each week I’ll pick one team from my analysis and compare my prediction to their current situation. This week I’m going to look at my preseason pick to win it all, the Proven Abusers (formerly known as Alvin from the Cosby Show, and more recognizably the Alleged Abusers). Maybe team owner and local dead beat Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela should think about changing the team name to “Dog Trash” instead.
I’ll be honest here gang, I was right in the middle of an 87 hour tweak, dickhole-deep in a bucket of slap and crank, and running train on league owner Mike LaPorta when I chose the Proven Abusers to win it all. Clearly, Randy was as well when he drafted this sack of shit.* So let’s make like stomach acid and break down this shitty “lineup” to see just how badly it truly stinks!
- RB – Alvin Kamara – NO
- RB – Joe Mixon – CIN
- WR – DJ Moore – CAR
- WR – DJ Chark Jr. – JAX
- WR – Keenan Allen – LAC
- WR – Michael Gallup – DAL
- RB – Leonard Fournette – TB
- QB – Josh Allen – BUF
- WR – John Brown – BUF
- RB – Latavius Murray – NO
- WR – Curtis Samuel – CAR
- RB – Chase Edmonds – ARI
- PIT D/ST
- TE – Chris Herndon – NYJ
- WR – Tee Higgins – CIN
- WR – Kenny Stills – HOU
- QB – Jimmy Garoppolo – SF
At first glance, you might think this team isn’t so bad. And you wouldn’t be alone, considering world renowned fantasy football expert and league owner Marco DeLilli also chose the Proven Abusers to bring home the chip in 2020. “The guy has Joe Mixon AND Leonard Fournette,” said Marco, “and we’re all going to be left punching ourselves in the dick for not drafting those guys while he takes home the title.” Heavy words from a heavy-set guy. But Marco’s weight problem aside, his words serve as the perfect jumping off point to break down this roster:
- RB – “Sloppy” Joe Mixon – CIN – It’s a good thing “Sloppy Joe” beats women, because he definitely can’t beat an NFL defense. I know he was playing with “Slow” Joe Burrow, but the lackluster 6.1 points he put up on Sunday looked like he was playing with slow GFFL league owner Pookie Lucas. Throughout the duration of the game, I legitimately wasn’t sure if it was Joe Mixon on the field, or Ray Charles. But unfortunately for the Proven Abusers, it was Joe Mixon. This performance, like so many others, goes to show why “Sloppy Joe” is a talent-less waste of life, incapable of providing value to any fantasy football team.
- RB – Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette – TB – Fournette went completely off Week 1. Completely off the radars of 100% of fantasy football owners worldwide, that is. Almost overwhelmed with volume, Fournette managed to turn his 5 carries into as many yards as men he blew prior to the start of the game. “I just wanted to run for as many yards as guys I blew today!” he cried in the post game interview. And while 5 blowjobs may produce an abundance of semen, it produces little to no fantasy points, thus rendering Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette as useless in fantasy football and life as GFFL league owner Pat Kennedy.
- WR – DJ Moore – CAR – DJ Moore? More like DJ Less. If he’s a star, then life partner of GFFL league owner Chester Lomanto – John Proske – is a fucking galaxy. Hauling in an unimpressive 4 of his 9 targets for 54 yards and no touchdowns, Moore was outscored by the likes of Adam Humphries (10.7), Keelan Cole (15.7), and Danny “Dog Cum” Amendola (13.1). All three are available on the GFFL waiver wire at the time of writing; right where DJ “Less” belongs.
- WR – Keenan Allen – LAC – Speaking of third-rate wide receivers, Mr. Unimpressive himself, Keenan Allen, managed to con his way into a four-year, $80 million extension with the Los Angeles Chargers. After returning absolutely nothing on the investment by posting an unsatisfactory 4 catches for 37 yards, the Chargers’ front office compared Allen’s extension to the birth of GFFL league owner Jack Vandenabeele, stating “it was clearly a giant mistake, and an even bigger waste. We should have aborted.” Considering that the Chargers can’t even find any solace in starting Keenan Allen at receiver, the Proven Abusers certainly won’t be able to either.
- TE – Chris “The Trash Man” Herndon – NYJ – After exploding for .1 points through three quarters, Herndon found himself in his favorite in-game situation: garbage time. This should come as no surprise, considering he shares DNA with GFFL league owner Vinny “Scones” Mosconi and is quite literally, garbage. Herndon gave his postgame interview while eating trash from a teammate’s waste bin, stating “I just love it man. Garbage time, garbage bags, garbage trucks. I just love garbage man.” And that he does, as the third year pro saw his point total skyrocket by 7,600% during garbage time to finish the day with 7.7 points. But the fact is, garbage time only makes up about 15% of a game, and “The Trash Man” simply doesn’t have enough time to make valuable contributions to the Proven Abusers in 2020.
Dishonorable mentions: WR – DJ Chark Jr. – JAX, and WR – Michael Gallup – DAL – Looking like they should be playing for Little White on Saturdays at Littauer Field, and certainly not for any NFL Teams on Sundays, Chark and Gallup aren’t even worth the write up.
Original Draft Grade: B+
Current Team Grade: V (“V” is a downward pointing arrow, not to be confused with the similar-looking 22nd letter of the alphabet and much higher grade, “V”)
Well gang, the bottom line here is that the Proven Abusers better get some lube ready, because they’re about to get non-consensually sodomized by every other team in the GFFL on a weekly basis. These players might make for a good police lineup, but they definitely make for a terrible fantasy football lineup. Unless he commits suicide before, pisspants Randy can expect to take home the Mundane Randy in December (a win/win for GFFL members). Be sure to tune in next week when I revisit league owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas’ mind boggling draft. But I need to get back to tweaking gang – Mike is waiting. Ciao for now.
*EDIT: Apparently Randy actually drafted a fantasy football team and not a sack of shit. Could’ve fooled me.
About the author – Harrison HorseCock was born in Azerbaijan. Because his birth was undocumented, it is unknown exactly when Harry was born, however experts estimate it was roughly sometime between 1909 – 1977. Growing up on the Azerbaijan streets, Harry learned the art of the cock push up from local prostitutes. Over the following decade, he would go on to perfect that art and eventually immigrate to the United States illegally to pursue his dream of becoming the cock push up world champion.
