For those that are new to my work, not only am I an internationally acclaimed fantasy football blogger and photo editor, I am perhaps best known on the Twitter circuit for my scathing social commentary and pursuit of the truth using methods some would view as “unorthodox” but effective.
Just look at some of these actual peer reviews from October alone!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Gas em up, folks. Time to find a Final Solution for Week 7.
WILLIAM EAGAN CACOPHONY OF EXPLORATORY BAND ROOM EJACULATION EXTRAVAGANZA OF THE DECADE
Fool me once, shame on me. Blow a hot, frothy load of man goo all over a band practice room at the height of the deadly H1N1 Swine flu pandemic, shame on Will Eagan.
This award is given to the league member who inevitably spends more time whacking off in inappropriate situations than actually participating in fantasy football.
This decades award goes to none other than the only married man under 50 in the GFFL, Nathaniel “Dogger” “8Ball” “The Human Centipede” McGregor.
After going viral this past Summer for running through the streets of Pakistan and beating around 2 dozen children with a medieval spiked mace, Nate’s lovely wife Alyssa cut off sex completely in an effort to eliminate the risk of childbirth.
“I just can’t raise a baby with that monster,” she said before plunging her hand down my hands and grabbing a handful of Pat Fenis.
End result for Dogger: him chronically jerking off to the thought of me banging his wife and the lowest activity levels in the league.
Now THAT will win you this decades award.
SAMANTHA BENTON UPDATE OF THE WEEK
A challenge: read this and try not to kill yourself.
IF DONALD TRUMP BOUGHT THE BUFFALO BILLS
While mainly now known for being a xenophobic, racist, child molesting reality TV star who ran for President in light of dire financial straits from a lifetime of bad business deals spurred on by a combination of arrogance and complete ineptitude in the realms within which he invested the money that was given to him by his much more successful father, it is easy to forget that Donald Trump almost became the Owner of the Buffalo Bills in 2014.
In all likelihood, had Trump secured the Bills ownership the entire world would have looked a LOT different over the past 5 years. But how, exactly?
2015
Trump fires Bills GM Doug Whaley and takes full control of the roster. For his first move, he releases QB Tyrod Taylor and signs Kim Jong Un as his new signal caller.
2016
Hillary loses the 2016 election to Post Malone after his 2015 SoundCloud single “White Iverson” becomes a sleeper hit. President Malone would release his debut album “Stoney” 1 month later to rave reviews.
2017
Bills Owner Donald Trump releases all black players for kneeling and replaces them with various members of his family.
2018
President Malone hotboxes the Pentagon, causing a dense fog and confusion that accidentally leads to nuclear war.
2019
After meeting at a charity event, noted Cowboys fan President Malone and Trump make a friendly wager over the Thanksgiving Bills-Cowboys game. Winner gets to fuck Ivanka in the Oval Office.
SPRING 2020
Donald Trump sells the Bills to Russia and accepts the position as President Malone’s new VP after sitting VP Caitlyn Jenner is fired for blowing the Iranian ambassador in exchange for a personal stock of weapons of mass destruction.
FALL 2020
President Malone announces he will not be seeking a second term, handing the nomination over to Trump who promises to “Make America Great Again.”
For next week’s blog I’m looking to do something a bit more interactive. If each of you can send me a video of you pissing on a geriatric along with a list of your top 5 favorite male to female post-op transgendered porn stars, I think I have an idea that can’t miss.
We will also be implementing a game show-style segment next week called Ding Dong Ditch where 2 league members will go head to head in identifying NFL players based solely on pictures of their cocks. Until then!
