Originally published by Shitty Bill
Putting together these team name rankings was extremely difficult. I began to realize that there was an awfully frustrating trend among the names this season, in that except for one, every single team name is really fucking average.
First, let’s take a look back at some names that have garnered high praise in the past. Which is your favorite?
It’s hard to rank anything when the things being ranked are all about the same level of bad. Alas, the rankings must go on and here they are from worst to first.
(12) Tim Tebow and the BibleHuggers (IAN) – Ian opted to not change his team name this year. It’s a slap in the face of the league and the commissioner (and not the type of facial slap Matt is accustomed to receiving from Ian). It’s also the only factor keeping Joe’s team from being ranked 12th on this list.
(11) Aaron Hernandez On A Bye Week (JOE) – Joe had a really good thing going with his original team name, “Rams Johnson in LittleBrownHole.” Unfortunately for him, the most obscene name in league history is out and a painfully average name is in. “Rams Johnson…” provoked so much imagery. “Aaron Hernandez…” pokes fun at a very serious gang violence issue facing not only our nation, but our own community. Grow up Joe.
(10) Weeden start The fire (VINNY) – Vinny gets props for being the only owner this season to incorporate a player’s real name into his team name, a fad that is quickly going by the wayside. Major points off for not realizing that there are so many marijuana-related names he could have conjured up. I would think that the man behind Fantasy Football champion “Buy a Graham Smoke a Blount” would have better insight.
(9) Chalupa Batman (JACK) – I like the reference, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately I just like all the other owners names better. Plus, what’s with the animated photograph? No one likes a show off, Jack. This average name gets its low ranking mainly for being the most average name in a pool of average names.
(8) Say No To Drug .. Tests (PAT) – Pat likes his football players how he likes his dicks: big, full of juice, and ready to explode on the football field (and there’s no argument from Mike Ditka on any account). Though there is nothing flashy about this name, it is a 6/10 that once again falls due to the parity.
(7) J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (BRENT) – Brent found a way to incorporate a white trash rapper from the greatest television show ever and the greatest real-life white trash rapper into one team name. Add in the double-meaning of “Shady” and this is a pretty intricate entry from Wednesday the bactrian camel.
(6) Team lomanto (CHESTER) – Complete indifference and lack of effort have manifested themselves into a classic, plain and simple.
(5) Turtle Creek Totemscrotums (VOSE) – What a blast from the past. Vose, once famous for names of this very fashion, changed his team name at the 11th hour and is seeing a bump in the rankings because of it. The Totemscrotums are synonymous with names like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson; it is a true forefather of fantasy sports.
(4) Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (MARCO) – Here’s one solid name. Marco is known for his inventive names but this may be one of his best yet. It’s a shame that a Krajcir or Watts hasn’t been made the subject of a team name until this point. Come on people, that’s all it takes for an elevated ranking in this column.
(3) The Choom Gang (SHAUN) – The leader of the free world used to be quite the pothead in high school and his group of smoking buddies called themselves “The Choom Gang.” The most powerful man in the world is a black Hawaiian stoner, making “The Choom Gang” worthy of the number 3 spot on this list.
http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/oral-history/choice-2012/the-choom-gang/ (Choom Gang informational video)
(2) The Dirty Burger (MATT) – What a tribute. With the passing of Richard “Philadelphia” Collins, what greater way to remember him then by naming your team name after the business he created. Even though he had to fire Randall from The Dirty Burger because he was fucking baked all the time, and the sweaty bitch was high, Phil ate just as much as he did and for that, we salute him.
(1) THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (MIKE) – You win, Mike. For years and years members of the GFFL have put countless hours of thought into their team names with the small glimmer of hope that one day, if the stars aligned, they could set out on a path to outshine Mike La Porta in the team name department. With “THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS” Mike has officially catapulted himself into a realm unseen before in the sport. Whether you take it as a phrase meaning “that’s the best,” or as Mike literally spotting a kitty walking by and exuberantly pointing and shouting, “THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS,” it is undoubtedly the best team name in the GFFL in 2013. Did anyone expect anything less?