Originally posted by Philadelphia Collins
It’s good to be back.
Few things have filled my life with arousal the way the GFFL has. Unfortunately, my recent pregnancy has kept me away from the keyboard for the past couple of months. It’s been a long, rewarding journey giving birth to a baby walrus, but now I’m back for the best part of the fantasy football season–the playoff push.
Things are a little different since the last time I’ve been around these waters. Teams have changed. Countless players have been added, dropped, and traded, while even more players have gotten hurt, and some have even had to seek psychiatric treatment after ending up on Jack’s team.
All of the above will continue to go on, with the exception of one: the trade. With the trade deadline passing this week, I thought now would be a great time to do a recap of all of the trades that we’ve seen go down in the GFFL this year. Warning: this article contains rape.
September 12
ANIC traded Bryce Brown, Phi RB to JMV
ANIC traded Kenbrell Thompkins, NE WR to JMV
JMV traded DeAngelo Williams, Car RB to ANIC
JMV traded Josh Gordon, Cle WR to ANIC
The first trade of the season was quite the doozey. This was one of those classic four-player trades where the two best players in the trade are going to the same team. I mean, I know that I would jump at the chance to trade away a starting RB and one of the best young receivers in the game for the almighty Kenbrell Thompkins and a backup.
Alright, maybe the trade wasn’t as bad as it looks. Numbers never lie, so let’s take a look at how the trade has played out. Here’s how each of the players in the trade have done since week 2, when it went down.
Shaun
Josh Gordon: 99 points (including his week 2 suspension)
DeAngelo Williams: 78 points
Jack
Kenbrell Thompkins: 56 (34 of which came in weeks 3 and 4)
Bryce Brown: 17
It’s safe to say that this trade was fueled by Jack’s Patriots-boner. In an attempt to make sense of this one, I interviewed one of the GMs involved:
I mean obviously Jack was getting really fucked in that trade so, like, obviously why the fuck wouldn’t I do the trade? You know what I mean? – Shaun, GM of the Cellar Dwellers
That pretty much sums it up.
Trade rating: Rape
September 19
watt traded Jermichael Finley*, GB TE to Pat
Pat traded Torrey Smith, Bal WR to watt
This trade wasn’t all that bad when it happened–Pat got a TE with a ton of upside, and Marco got a WR with a ton of upside. What’s not to like?
Well, when we factor in Pat’s terrible luck, Jermichael Finley has since suffered a career-ending injury. Thanks a lot, Pat. He’s a human just like you and I, with feelings and a family. No need to end his career.
Breakdown (Since trade)
Torrey Smith: 76 Points
Jerminchael Finley: 23 Points
Trade rating: Sex with a pre-op transvestite.
October 17
Pat traded James Jones, GB WR to MATT
MATT traded Willis McGahee, Cle RB to Pat
Another appearance on the list for last place Pat. There isn’t much analysis I can do about this one, I’ll just say that one of the players above is available right now in free agency.
In fairness to Pat, Jones hasn’t done much either. Matt hasn’t even started him once. At least he isn’t Willis McGahee, though.
Breakdown – Since trade
James Jones: 10 Points
Willis McGahee: 9 Points
Trade rating: Teabagging
October 22
watt traded Torrey Smith, Bal WR to JOE
JOE traded DeMarco Murray, Dal RB to watt
Murray has questionable health, and a questionable personality at best, but he’s a startable RB. Torrey is also a decent WR, but he has Mean Joe Flacco throwing him the ball. Seriously, Joe Flacco is an asshole. Did you know he beats his kids? Joe Flacco beats children. He also gives blowjobs to children. Joe Flacco is a rapist and a murderer. He also abuses small dogs for pleasure. Joe Flacco is also really bad at football, whenever he isn’t busy planning 9/11.
This trade doesn’t make much sense to me. Joe has probably the best WR core in the league, with Megatron, VJAX, and Antonio Brown, but lacks depth at RB. I guess if you don’t have enough RBs, it makes sense to trade one away.
Breakdown – Since Trade
Torrey Smith: 17 Points
DeMarco Murray: 18 Points
Trade rating: C+
October 31
JMV traded Percy Harvin, Sea WR to ANIC
ANIC traded Jason Witten, Dal TE to JMV
Ah, redemption. Jack came to terms with the disturbing rape he suffered early on, and confronted the man who robbed him of his innocence. Jack traded someone who hadn’t played a single game all year for a top 5 tight end, shocking the fantasy football world. Cherish it for now, Jack. Once a rape victim, always a rape victim.
Breakdown – Since Trade
Percy Harvin: 1 Point
Jason Witten: 18 Points
Trade Rating: Unintentional blumpkin
November 14
MATT traded Ben Tate, Hou RB to ANIC
ANIC traded Alshon Jeffery, Chi WR to MATT
Here we have the most balanced trade of the year in the GFFL. Matt, in desperate need of a WR, shipped off an excess RB to Shaun, who happened to need one. Each team filled a position, and got a talented player in the process. This trade will prove to be the most even and well-rounded trade in the league this year, until Ben Tate gets hurt next week.
Breakdown – Since Trade
Alshon Jeffery – 9 Points
Ben Tate – 10 Points
Trade rating: Mutual masturbation
November 16
ANIC traded C.J. Spiller, Buf RB to watt
watt traded Harry Douglas, Atl WR to ANIC
Shaun clearly needed to take huge chance on something to have any hopes of making the playoffs, and that man was Harry Douglas. At 6’0” and 183 lbs, and with a smile that could melt the polar ice caps, Harry is quite the physical specimen. I commend Shaun for cutting his losses with CJ Spiller, and realizing that his playoff dream was all but lost. If you’re not going to make the playoffs, might as well trade for some nice masturbation material, and Harry fits the bill perfectly.
Breakdown – Since Trade:
CJ Spiller: 1
Harry Douglas: 7
Trade rating: Harry Douglas
As you can see, trading was pretty weak this season. Step it up, GFFL. Joe Flacco films and distributes child pornography.