It’s no secret that sports are known for the fun and competitive nature they instill in man. But sometimes overlooked are the aspects of humility, compassion, and comradery they also bring about into the world. Michael “Moose Mess” Gallup (WR, Dallas) is confirmed to have the lowest recorded IQ of any NFL player in written history, and has been compared to a heaping pile of moose diarrhea constantly throughout his career. Technically team manager and not an “official” member of THE STUMP, “Moose Mess” has become a symbol of hope in the team locker room. Proving that the mentally and physically disabled can accomplish anything, “Moose Mess” earned a starting spot in his first ever professional fantasy football lineup earlier this season when he started for THE STUMP in Week 1. Also seeming to prove the classic and over-used stereotype that the mentally disabled stick together, team owner Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela continued to give “Moose Mess” the start even after he continued to lick pine cones during practices. So is “Moose Mess” a racist, a rapist, or a pedophile born to an incest anal gapist? Let’s dive into this week’s “Touching Handicapped Moment of the Week” and find out! (Hint – he’s all three!)
Also, before we get started, a quick shoutout to this week’s “Dick of the Week”, Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians! Best known for being a huge Nazi, Bruce participates in ritualistic feces consumption with a whole slew of members from Fulton County’s premier friend-group, including Turner Dusenbury, Matt Hicks, Ricky Kwak, and GFFL league owner Marco DeLilli. On not just one, but two consecutive drives Sunday, Bruce decided to throw the ball from the opponent’s 1 foot line instead of running up the middle with Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette. Right before both passes, Arians looked directly into the camera while holding up both middle fingers, and screamed “FUCK YOU!” to all minorities. In true dickhead fashion, he continued by saying “I WANT EVANS AND BRADY GETTIN’ THOSE POINTS CAUSE THEIR SKIN COLOR IS LIGHTER THAN TOBY’S!” (Toby is the new name given to Fournette after he was successfully captured by the Bucs organization). Thanks for being such a dick, Bruce. You rock!
The 14th of 17 children, “Moose Mess” had an IQ comparable to sock puppets, geese, and banana peppers as a child. Until his graduation, he shared special education classes with several barnyard animals, Josh Herr, and the majority of his siblings at their family’s asparagus farm. Just like his Grandpappy and his Grandpappy’s Grandpappy before him, “Moose Mess” had the strength of a dozen walrus’ by the age of 10. Graduating high school late at the age of 23, he was finally introduced to the sport of football when a scout for ITT Technical Institute discovered him, immediately recognizing his potential as a wide receiver.
Astonishingly, and against all odds, “Moose Mess” excelled not just on the football field at ITT Tech, but in the classroom as well – graduating with a degree in marbles before being drafted by THE STUMP in the 6th round of 2020’s draft. Immediately after being drafted, “Moose Mess” made his presence felt in THE STUMP locker room when he mistakenly but intentionally took a shit in the locker next to his own, a locker occupied by former teammate and fellow rookie, Tee Higgins. When confronted by teammates as to what he was doing to Higgins’ locker, “Moose Mess” started crying and ran off in shame and embarrassment.
When asked about this incident, team member DJ Chark Jr. stated “We was just like ‘Yo the fuck you doin’ to Tee Bag’s locker?! He gon’ whoop yo ass when he get back!’ I don’t think anyone realized this muhfugga had a issue or nothin’.”
Angry at the new scent of feces and barnyard that riddled the locker room air, teammates chased “Moose Mess” out of the locker room and locked him in an equipment shed. As he lie terrified in the fetal position, crying and shaking on the cold floor of the shed, teammates continued to torment “Moose Mess” by throwing footballs at the outer walls. After arriving to the practice facility and finding his team torturing the rookie receiver, team owner Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela joined in for a few minutes before making the team run for six consecutive days.
“I made ‘em run for like a week straight, no water breaks or nothin’, just to show ‘em the error of their ways,” Tagliatela later stated. “Then I told ‘em ‘Listen up you cuck’s, Moosie’s gettin the start this week AND next week! So you all can just go and take another fuckin’ lap!’…As soon as they finished that last lap the tone in the locker room completely changed, and they started treatin’ him more like an equal and less like a bowl of dog food.”
After two unproductive starts to kick off the 2020 season, “Moose Mess” was primed to return to his role on the bench as team manager. However, after a surprise trade and a last minute injury to Little Huskies House of Pizza star DJ Chark Jr. opened up a flex position, “Moose Mess” found himself with another opportunity to start against Jack’s squad of semen slurpers in Week 3. But by halftime in the biggest game of his career, he had tallied just 1 catch for 4 yards.
It was during halftime that team captain and local boob job enthusiast Alvin Kamara stood up and said “Let’s get out there and get this dub for Moosie, and let’s get that muhfugga his first TD too!” Almost before he could even finish his sentence, the entire STUMP locker room erupted in a fierce cheer that could be heard all the way from Meco to Bleecker.
After “Smokey” John Brown got injured in the first half and ended the day with a goose egg, THE STUMP were trailing by a hefty margin. But with a newfound energy thanks to an impassioned halftime speech from Kamara, the remaining members of THE STUMP took a dump on Jack’s hopes and dreams when they roared back from 50 points behind to take a 30 point lead into Monday night. But most shocking of all, was the performance of Michael “Moose Mess” Gallup, who went on to tally 5 catches for 134 yards and a touchdown in the second half, helping to propel THE STUMP to a 170 – 137 victory.
Much to the surprise and delight of his teammates, “Moose Mess” also took a literal dump in “Home Schooled” Jack’s locker after he finished taking him back to Oxford Academy on Sunday night. When asked why he would dare shit in another person’s locker again, he replied “Jack’s dumber than a sack’a salty snail semen for starting Minshew II and he deserved it.” “Moose Mess” is now back to his usual role as team manager on the bench, however he now has the respect and comradery of his teammates that was missing before. There’s no saying when he may get his next start again, but one thing’s for sure, whenever it may be, “Moose Mess” will definitely be ready.
Welp, that about does it gang. Tune in for next week’s “Touching Handicapped Moment of the Week”, but right now I’ve got Yom Kippur going on. Ciao for now.