Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
Dirty “Stupid” Pedro @ H.S. Jack “PantsPisser” Pierreson
Overview:
I think it’s safe to say that nobody will be paying attention to this week 1 snooze-fest. The only reason this is a “rivalry” is because these are two of the worst franchises in league history. There have been eight seasons of the GFFL, and neither of these owners have a single piece of hardware to show for them. Move along folks; nothing to see here.
Prediction: 50-47 Jack
Jack narrowly squeaks by in this thriller. Half of the players on each team suffer injuries, and the rest of the league writes these squads off – just as they do at the start of every season. Stupid Pedro drinks too much while watching Sunday RedZone and pisses the bed, causing these teams’ week 12 re-match to be dubbed “The BedWetter Bowl.”
Brent “Peace” Big Baby Bernt @ Patrick “Jesse” James Kennedy
Overview:
The commissioner really could have paired anybody against Pat and called it a rivalry, since everybody hates him. I think this works though; I’m guessing he was playing the Pizza Joint angle when coming up with this one.
As we all know, Bernt upped and moved to Tibet, so they won’t be able to continue this rivalry in person. Hopefully Bernt has success in his new life as a hunter-gatherer, and ultimately finds an internet connection so he can continue to set his lineups and post to the weekly Smack Board.
Prediction: 160-103 Pat
This prediction was submitted by Pat.
Joe “Dirty Cheater” La Porta, Son of Mike @ Mike “ASS Beater” La Porta, Father of Joe
Overview:
Joe has won the league twice in a row. Joe beat Mike in the Super Bowl last season. Joe is Mike’s son.
Mike has never won the league. He even lost to Joe in the Super Bowl last season. Mike is Joe’s dad.
This is easily the most clear-cut rivalry in the league. It may even be the fiercest. I think we can all agree that we feel bad for Dottie on this upcoming Sunday.
Prediction: Joe out-scores Mike by 1
Joe is a dirty fucking cheater and will find a way to win this one, despite Mike’s 30 point performance from his man-crush, CJ Anderson.
Shaun “Crack Rock” Anich @ Vinny “First to Draft a Defense”
Overview:
This rivalry, often referred to as “The Boston AIDS Party,” is also one of the most recognizable in the league. Shaun and Vinny grew up only a few houses away from each other – often experimenting and acting on their bi-curious urges. These days, they’re both citizens of Boston, where they will continue to carry on their rivalry and confusing relationship for years to come.
Prediction: ?????
I’m honestly running out of predictions here. I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about.
Chester “team” lomanto @ Nate “Coughlin’s Cock Stinks Like” Shit
Overview:
I think we’re all left scratching our heads on this one. How is this even a rivalry? This makes me think that “Rivalry Week” is a gimmick and a cash-grab; yet another money-motivated maneuver for the mysterious Commissioner Close. It’s only a matter of time before he is driven out of office by the players union, or simply killed by one of the owners.
Prediction:
No – I gave up on the predictions. This whole thing is a joke – this league is a joke. Until a new commissioner is appointed, I refuse to cover this league any further. Fuck you Matt.
I guess I’ll pick Chester because he already had Kelvin Benjamin.