Week 3 is in the books, folks. Let’s test your mental acuity before diving into what is sure to be a very heavy column.
I’m going to show you photos of three men. Can you distinguish which one of them has Down’s syndrome?
SLOPPY JOE’S SLOP OF THE WEEK
In a matchup between two semi-retarded individuals with a combined IQ of 137, something had to give in this standoff of fantasy football peewees Mike and Marco.
Finding himself staring into a gaping 139.18-97.2 hole entering MNF, Mr. Ass watched as Patrick Mahomes nearly brought him back from the ranks of the Beaten in the first half alone, only to come up short with a conservative second stanza.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Mike climaxes during foreplay costing himself a shot at a more meaningful sexual experience.
Mike to 0-3 while Marco climbs above .300 for the first time in his career.
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
In 2015 after two less than stellar stints with the GFFL, local Fulton County drifter Ian Gillis was replaced with Nate. And while the addition of Dogger has proven completely inconsequential in any form positive or negative, there are still those originalists who opine for the days of yesteryear with a Gillis-led lineup in the fray.
Unfortunately, this seems unlikely given the string of incidents Gillis has been involved in since departing the GFFL.
2015
Photos re-emerge of Gillis present on Jeffrey Epstein’s private pedophile island in the late 1990’s.
2016
Gillis served as Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign manager in a move that disqualified him from future league consideration in the dark demented eyes of staunch liberal league member Patrick Kennedy.
2017
Gillis embarked on a widely panned gay biker-themed comedy tour with Louis CK at the height of his 2017 sexual harassment scandal.
2019
Some say Gillis was responsible for the COVID-19 outbreak after he was spotted unmasked in a Chinese laboratory in late 2019.
2020
Gillis flew the plane that killed Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi.
We all love Ian and it’s a shame to see where life has taken him. But don’t expect him back in the league until he atones for at least some of these sins.
POYFAIR LEAGUE UPDATE
Kindred spirits or thinly-veiled trash talk? The leagues press on, separate for now but more equal than we’d care to admit.
FRED POWERS LIFE UPDATE OF THE WEEK
When I first saw this picture of Fred seemingly high on amphetamines waving around a well-lubricated purple dildo and chasing his children about the yard with a pair of ice tongs I thought to myself by golly – not much has changed since high school.
But look a bit deeper and you begin to uncover a portrait of a loving, doting father to 2 girls and a devoted husband to his wife, Samantha.
OTHER MEN WITH BETTER SEX LIVES THAN ME OF THE WEEK
Composition of this column has proven an exceptionally strange and contemptuous journey for me as I hope it was for you, the reader. Back for more in Week 4.