New England Patriots – an overrated football team owned by a sex deviant, coached by a fat, mumbling and bumbling douchebag whose historical success is predicated purely on the performance of a 45-year-old man who makes out with his children, and quarterbacked by an African American transgendered woman who speaks in hieroglyphics.
Patriotism – the feeling of love, devotion, and sense of attachment to a homeland and alliance with other citizens who share the same sentiment.
Morning, men. I just finished a hearty country breakfast of steak and eggs with a fresh bull semen drizzle before taking Tami Lee straight to pound town. I voted early for my favorite candidate (4 times!) and my Buffalo Bills are 6-2. Needless to say, I’m bursting out the asshole with as much Patriotism right now as Tami is bursting out the anus with my Election Day load.
But folks, contrary to popular belief, life ISN’T just about cocks, cunts, and assholes.
Every 4 years we come together as a nation to put our differences aside and take part in a cute little process called Democracy.
And NO country exchanges ideas and maintains a more peaceful, sane transfer of power than the great US of A.
So this week, let’s put fantasy football aside and see if we can’t inspire one last push to “Get out the Vote!”
While most of the focus in election years is on the Presidency, it can be easy to forget that Congress is arguably more important in terms of pushing through legislation. Additionally, the President’s very own Cabinet (consisting of heads of various federal executive departments) plays a huge role in informing the President on policy decisions.
For example – on matters of sustainability and agriculture, President Trump has leaned on this jolly fella, Sonny Perdue, a man who believes climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese government.
While nothing has been made official, there are rumors floating around regarding Joe Biden’s cabinet choices should a blue wave sweep across the Midwest this evening.
How might a Biden administration look?
SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY – MATT CLOSE
Matt has had some great mentors in his life on his ascension to this position. Truly, nobody cares more about preserving the purity of our homeland than Secretary Close.
SECRETARY OF EDUCATION – JACK VANDENABEELE
They call him America’s Principal. Vandenabeele plans to institute nationwide faith-based homeschooling with him as the sole instructor.
Each day, students from Alaska to Maine will log into Zoom for 6 hours and listen to Vandenabeele preach from the New Testament while he plays with himself under the desk.
SECRETARY OF COMMERCE – PATRICK KENNEDY
Secretary Kennedy, formerly a no-nonsense pizzeria manager known for his hair trigger temper when his employees sloppily make out over a pot of sauce, will be hell bent on ensuring the global economy is based entirely on the success of Wal-Mart in his new role.
SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY – MARCO DELILLI
I can’t think of anybody more trustworthy to direct the flow of money in this country than Marco.
The national debt can only shrink with DeLilli at the helm.
SECRETARY OF THE INTERIOR – ROCK ANICH
Rock will give whole new meaning to this position. His first order of business – naming the first ever official “Hole” of the United States: The Glory.
SECRETARIES OF AGRICULTURE – MIKE LOMANTO AND JOSEPH CHITTENDEN
Hired as the first ever Secretarial duo, Mike Lomanto and Joe Chittenden ascend to this position after entering a 110 pound penis-shaped pumpkin at the Fonda Fair.
SECRETARY OF VETERAN AFFAIRS – MIKE LA PORTA
The dirty little secret here is that Mike fucking hates veterans. Hates everything they stand for and especially hates having to “thank them for their service” every fucking time he sees one in uniform at a fucking McDonalds. Uneducated, murderous, attention-seeking nobodies! Sorry. Projecting.
SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION – NATE MCGREGOR
McGregor will be in charge of gaining the trust of transgendered Americans, before ultimately marching them into a large playpen surrounded by an armed militia for their immediate removal from society.
SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES – RANDY TAGLIATELA
Often known as the “Drug Czar,” you can say goodbye to big pharma with Randy at the helm.
2 full hits of LSD microdosed across the week is the new “apple a day” in a Tagliatela-led department.
SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT – ERIC LUCAS
Offered this role because he looks the most like he grew up at Dubois, Pookie and his assistant Troy Tortora will essentially be the Jim Lahey and Randy of housing projects.
ADMINISTRATOR OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY – JOE LA PORTA
When Joe isn’t dancing for rain or grazing on a well-balanced diet of maize, squash, and beans in his teepee, you can find him prancing around South Dakota protesting the Keystone XL pipeline that runs through his sacred land.
SECRETARY OF ENERGY – VINCENT MOSCONI
SEE YA, Exxon Mobil! With Mosconi reunited with long-time associate Jared Fogle after a Presidential pardon, we will finally reach the point where Subway sandwiches and the tears of innocent children are once again the main fuel source in America.
Well compadres, less than 12 hours till the results start rolling in. Coincidentally, about that same amount of time until I’m un-suspended from Twitter for pretending to be Javon Wims and threatening to beat the fuck out of some guy from Scotland. Cheers!
