Another week is officially in the books, and unfortunately weed is still illegal on a federal level. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and you know what Week 6 means: time to take a look at this year’s Civil War Match of the Year! Every year people always ask me: “Harry, who’s playing in this year’s Civil War Match, and what week can we expect it ya old chungus?!” After months of research and excessive dab use, I was finally able to correctly determine that this year’s Civil War Match was taking place in Week 6. Determining which Week 6 matchup would earn the illustrious title of 2020 Civil War Match proved to be exponentially more difficult, however.
With multiple games on the Week 6 slate poised to be barn burners with playoff (or in some cases, mundane randy) implications, it almost appeared as though any matchup would suffice. But this is the Civil War Match we’re talking about, perhaps the most important matchup of the entire fantasy football season, and PK vs. Scones certainly doesn’t deserve the publicity and prestige that comes from the grandaddy of all fantasy football matches. An obvious choice would be to get two birds stoned at once and turn the LaPorta Bowl into the Civil War Match as well and call it a day. But when you actually take a closer look at Mike and Joe’s teams, you’ll see that they are actually playing in the LaPortaPotty Bowl, which is obviously unworthy of moonlighting as this year’s Civil War Match. No gang, there’s only one matchup this week truly worthy of calling itself the 2020 Civil War Match: Eric “Pookie” Lucas (The North) vs. Pedro “Adolf” Close (The South).
Before we dive in and analyze each team and just what to expect, let’s take a quick look at the facts and statistics that catapulted these teams into the crown jewel of all fantasy football matchups. Here we have Pookie sitting at 2-3, on the outside looking in for a playoff spot, but on a 2 game win streak. And on the other hand we have Pedro, sitting at 3-2, currently holding onto a playoff spot by the skin of his gooch, and on a 2 game losing streak. The league commissioner versus the most recently added member. Last years champion versus the guy who was supposed to be a lock for this year’s mundane randy. The guy with the Play-Doh dick versus the guy with chlamydia. The story lines go on and on with this one gang, and it’s clearly a must-win for both teams, which is going to make for one hell of 2020 Civil War Match! Let’s take a closer look at the teams!
The North: As mentioned above, Pookie’s team caught fire 2 weeks ago and now find themselves in the midst of a 2 game win streak that saw them put up 130 and 134 points, respectively. A much welcomed sight after an 0-3 start, Pookie’s squad is starting to look like it may have the makings of a legitimate playoff contender. The emergence of rookie wide receivers Chase Claypool and CeeDee “Four Disk” Lamb coupled with veterans Mike Evans and D.K. Metcalf have propelled this receiving corps toward the top of the league. Johnathan Taylor is becoming a true number 1 running back and David Johnson continues to show flashes of his historical 2016 season, all while DeShaun Watson and Big Ben Roethlisberger are teaching a masters class in consistently solid quarterback play. Needless to say, Pookie’s team is moving in the right direction.
Aside from the success his team has found on the field the past couple of weeks, Pookie himself represents The North in many ways. After escaping from his oppressed life in Upstate New York through the above-ground railroad in pursuit of his freedom, Pookie settled down and became an official citizen in Denver, Colorado. Although he is mostly free of his past, he is still haunted by the lingering oppression brought into his life by GFFL commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close. According to multiple sources, Pookie attempted to depart from the league prior to the 2020 season, citing his new beginning in Denver and his desire to leave his daunting past behind him as the reason. In an actual recorded and highly incriminating voicemail, GFFL commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close can be clearly heard stating “I will fly to Denver and make you my bitch again. You think you can just leave? No fucking way. I’ll shove my dick so far down your throat it pops out your pooper. You’ll be on a plane back to New York faster than you can spell L-S-D, motherfucker. Then I’ll kill your whole family while you watch, before putting you back to work in the cotton fields where you belong, you hippie fuck. You think you’re leaving this fucking league? You got another fucking thing coming, buddy.”
After giving in to Pedro’s threats and agreeing to participate in the league again this year, Pookie attempted to peacefully protest by self-sabotaging his own draft. Although his efforts have proven unsuccessful, Pookie now finds himself with an even better opportunity to claim revenge against his oppressor: Pookie has the chance to beat Pedro this week – the guy who forced him into the league this season – and steal his playoff spot. How much sweeter could it get?
The South: After starting the season 3-0 and at the top of the league heading into Week 4, Pedro “Adolf” Close now finds himself sitting at 3-2 and in danger of losing his playoff spot after dropping his last 2 matchups. In week 4 Pedro found himself in the bottom three lowest scores of the week with a 105. But things got much worse in week 5 when his team could only muster up a measly 64 points in a performance so poor it was enough to earn Pedro the Poyfair Performance of the Year award. So you’re probably asking yourself: “Why does a team this bad deserve to be a part of the biggest, most renowned fantasy football match of the season?” And you’d certainly be right to do so. But when we take a closer look you might actually see some legitimate excuses for the poor play.
The biggest thing working against Pedro (besides his eyebrows) this season has been the loss of number one overall pick Christian McCaffrey. But even aside from McCaffrey, Pedro’s team has been plagued by injuries all season. Kenny Golladay and Debo Samuel have both been almost completely absent from this receiving corps, and his trade for A.J. Green ended up being just as bad, as Green now finds himself sitting on the bench for the likes of rookie Tee Higgins anyway. But McCaffrey is poised to return to action, Golladay is healthy and fresh off a bye week, and Samuel is healthy and back in the lineup as well, all in Week 6. This lineup may finally be at full strength and it couldn’t have come at a better time, as a playoff spot hangs in the balance.
Pedro “Adolf” Close is the perfect human embodiment of the southern United States. Much like any other Southerner, Pedro is a fascist who believes in segregation and slavery, loves gravy, plays the banjo, and calls all soda “coke”. While all of this may sound great (where do I sign up?), Pedro is actually best known for oppressing fellow members of the GFFL. After being exposed as a cotton field owner in a shocking and highly incriminating voicemail in which he threatened Pookie into rejoining the league, Pedro promptly broke into a retirement home and stole costume jewelry, among other valuables, from old folk. When asked to comment on his actions, all Pedro would say was that he was “fucked up on a bunch of quaaludes at the time of both incidents.” It’s worth noting that since the retirement home incident, Pedro has taken a vow of sobriety that is expected to negatively impact his team, however just how much it does remains to be seen.
A clear representation of the American south, Pedro’s team has the opportunity to not only make Pookie his “bitch again”, but to rewrite history and give the south the victory that so narrowly escaped their grasp back in 1865. Tentatively back at full strength, there’s no question that Robert E. Lee would be proud to lead Pedro’s troops into battle against Pookie’s squad of northern vermin. And with a playoff spot up for grabs, it’s safe to say that this henhouse is as ready as Mary Vandenabeele on a Tuesday night.
Welp, that about does it gang. Week 6 is at our doorstep and with it is coming the steaming hot cum of a dozen Kalahari Bushmen on Pookie or Pedro’s face. And the 2020 Civil War Match. Anyone can win, but everyone will be watching to find out who does. But I got a half a pack of Newport hunnids, a full glass of Mr. Boston, and middle aged Chilean twins on a pop-up live chat. Ciao for now.
*Please note that Sam Elliott’s Play-Doh Penis Making Kit will not give you an actual attached Play-Doh dick like Pedro, rather a detached Play-Doh dick that looks virtually identical to his.