Morning, men. We’ve made it to the final week of another regular season and after some well needed R&R on my week off, I’m recharged and ready for the playoff push.
Before we dive in, let’s take a quick look at how I spent a well-earned Bye week.
Finally filmed and released my biopic entitled “Zoo” to rave reviews
Did some skeet shooting with former Vice President Dick Cheney
Rescued Tyreek Hill’s unconscious son after Hill knocked him out in a fit of rage
Had my face sit on by Grammy Award-winning artist Cardi B
Did some skeet shooting with former Vice President Dick Cheney
With Playoff seeding coming into focus, early results for some of our annual awards are coming into focus as well. Let’s take a look at a few of our big winners thus far.
PIGGLY WIGGLY® PIG FUCKER(S) OF THE YEAR
This year, we are lucky enough to bring on board the Piggly Wiggly supermarket chain as a sponsor for our annual Pig Fucker of the Year award. And boy am I honored to announce TWO winners this year for the first time in league history.
Marco locked up his 13th straight award after breaking into Adirondack Animal Land and staging an orgy with several young sows shortly after New York’s (NFC) loss to Tompa Bay on MNF during Week 8, which he videotaped and later distributed to several popular porn outlets.
Randy, however, left absolutely no doubt in the minds of voters that 2020’s award would be co-owned after he celebrated another playoff birth with a trip to multiple local pre-schools wearing his patented “Kiss the Piggy” costume.
Both men are currently adjusting their fantasy rosters from the Fulton County Jail.
BDSM COUPLE OF THE YEAR, SPONSORED BY VASELINE®
Through thick and thin, hard and soft, dry and sticky, this years recipients have stuck together and proved once and for all that public sexual humiliation CAN be part of a healthy friendship and help oneself stay mentally in the game during the dog days of fantasy season. Congrats, fellas.
THIS WEEK IN NFL HISTORY
On this day in Week 12 of the 1999-00 season, a young, upstart head coach pulled all the right strings for the St. Louis Rams in a 43-21 win over then-NFC West rivals New Orleans.
At 9-2, the Rams clinched their division early en route to what would end up being their first and only Super Bowl championship to date.
Just who was that hungry, young coach leading the charge for The Greatest Show on Turf? None other than an 8-year old Michael Lomanto, of course.
Seemingly wiped from the annals of Rams history after blacking out and murdering a cheerleader at a Super Bowl victory party, Lomanto served just 13 years of his sentence before being released.
He coincidentally resurfaced in 2014 as the boyfriend of Michael Sam, reuniting him with the team that gave him his start so many years ago.
MUNDANE RANDY ANNOUNCEMENT
Submitting my idea for this years Mundane Randy, I propose this years loser has to provide free room and board to Samantha until next years draft.
A few playoff spots still up for grabs heading into the final week of the regular season. Set those lineups, cross your fingers, and beg Allah for mercy because lord knows He isn’t a fan of all this smut I’ve been producing and YOU’VE been reading.
But in the event your fantasy luck DOES run out next week, do not fret. We will be hosting a special consolation event on December 12 @ the Johnstown Moose Lodge where each league member disqualified from playoff contention will get to take a few shots at Will Smith and his family as part of a Vietnamese firing squad.
