With the postponement of Sunday’s Steelers – Titans game rendering Week 4 of the NFL completely meaningless, we have some time to step away from football and take a look at some of the pressing and controversial topics society is struggling with today. Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and this week we’ll be discussing some of the biggest news headlines everyone’s talking about; topics from the presidential debate all the way to abortion. You don’t want to miss this, so smoke a quick jimmy, slap on a jimmy hat, and call your boy Jimmy Baker, ‘cause things are about to get Harry! Let’s dive in!
If you didn’t see Tuesday’s first presidential debate, that’s okay, because political expert “Weird Al” Yankovic has made his opinion clear in his newest hit song, “We’re All Doomed”. If you haven’t heard it yet you’d best prepare to, because if there’s one thing “Weird Al” is known for other than his political prowess, it’s making hit radio songs. Perhaps the most respected political mind in America today, Yankovic has surely blessed Americans with this one. If you’re an undecided voter, take a quick listen to the song for some of the most respected, informative, and sought-after political opinions you’ll ever be able to obtain. It is unknown what percentage of Yankovic’s core fan base is even old enough to vote, or for him to sleep with, but a special thanks to CNN for covering this immediately so you don’t have to miss it!
Have you ever been eating your Philly cheesesteak from Subway and thought – “I don’t think this shit is even bread”? That’s exactly what Ireland’s Supreme Court thought and determined as well, as they handed down the verdict in one of the most important and highly anticipated rulings of the new millennium. Obviously more concerned with the quality of the bread as opposed to the quality of the meat for any number of reasons, The Irish Supreme Court determined that there is too much sugar in the “bread” for it to legally be considered bread. This is important, because now Subway is no longer legally able to call themselves “Subway” or their sandwiches “subs”, because, as we all know, “subs” are made with bread. It is expected that they will be changing their name to The CumCrumb Sandwich Team, and will obviously be calling their sandwiches “cum crumbs” as well. The new name comes after the announcement from the FDC that ejaculate from Subway’s corporate executives was the reason for the elevated sugar levels in the bread, and rather than eliminate the use of ejaculate as an ingredient, the executives have elected to rebrand the entire company. Big important news if you’re a Subway fan, so thank you to CBS for covering the story!
Things are heating up in the highly publicized Ryback vs. Zeke feud that’s been captivating America for months! Household name Ryback is now threatening to sue NFL running back Ezekiel Elliott after accusing him of stealing his “Feed Me” trademark, citing that his own use of the phrase “feed me” made it a family favorite in every single home across the globe long before Elliott started using it. While that’s hard to deny (who can forget growing up watching Ryback in the ring), Elliott subsequently challenged him to a cage match to the death to determine who the trademark belongs to. Though Ryback has still yet to respond to Elliott’s request, spectators across the globe are wondering just what in the hell Zeke is thinking. Having won so many scripted fights throughout his career, Ryback is clearly the better fighter. What’s also clear is that he is the better athlete, having sacrificed his body for the script so many times. Having never won a scripted fight, it is unknown what makes Elliott think he could win a real fight, especially having no athletic experience sacrificing his body like Ryback does. As soon as he accepts Elliott’s challenge and Vegas sets a line, hammer Ryback no matter how much he is favored and thank me later. And big thanks to Bleacher Report for covering this important story!
Finally, a reason to go to the zoo! “Not anymore,” said a British wildlife park after removing five of the greatest, most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet from the park and then decapitating them, “you can all suck our bloody twats”. As if there wasn’t enough bad news in the world already. And since when did it become a problem to swear in fucking Great Britain, mate?! It is unknown if park attendance has improved since the decision was made to execute the parrots, however it is assumed that it hasn’t changed a fucking bit. Also unknown are the identities of the park guests that filed complaints against the parrots, but anyone with information is encouraged to verbally and physically harass the perps. Big thanks to CNN for covering yet another majorly important news story!
Call me liberal, but the death sentence seems a bit harsh for this one. As if the Chinese government doesn’t kill little kids all the time anyway. I’m surprised they gave him the death sentence and not a medal for being an upstanding citizen for doing their fucking job for them! And just what in the fuck are you supposed to do after an argument with a rival staff member?! And seriously, fucking porridge?! Did the dude do the poisoning in a 13th century nursery rhyme?! Sounds like Goldielox must’ve been in his class, cause hers was the only porridge that was “just right”. I’m passionate about this one gang, and everyone should write to the Chinese government (who are known for caring about what citizens think) in protest of the clear injustice being done in this case. There’s still time for us to make a difference in this innocent man’s life! Again, a big thank you to CNN for seemingly being the only news network covering the important stories close to home!
This makes me sick to my stomach. This isn’t what the French Revolution was all about. Robespierre would be rolling heads down school hallways like bowling balls while Napoleon chowed down on the leftover limbs like croissants. Here we have poor Sporky Dirt, 35, an obviously completely normal and harmless guy like you or me, who was fired from his job teaching 6 year olds due to the violent nature of the tattoos on his face. A representative for the school that fired Dirt stated “if they were more normal face tattoos we wouldn’t have had to take action, but the tattoos Mr. Dirt chose to permanently apply to his face frightened the children and staff.” If his lawsuit against the French school district that fired him proves fruitless, Sporky is considering moving to America or Jupiter to teach, where facial tattoos are more socially accepted. Give ‘em hell Sporky, give ‘em hell! Once again, a HUGE thanks to CNN for always being exactly where the important news is happening!
When it comes to abortion, the American Christians have spoken – and they said that bitch Amy Coney Barrett can go fuck herself. Barrett made comments that I assume made legitimate and logical arguments in favor of abortion, angering the entire American Christian population. An even more common household name than Ryback, Amy Coney Barrett has one of the most influential opinions on the planet when it comes to religion, abortion, and pretty much anything else, so it’s no wonder the American Christians are so upset. When responding to Barrett’s comments, it is widely assumed that the representative for the American Christians was high on methamphetamine, and provided an argument that sounded like it was governed by laws of the 11th dimension. More info on the rocky relationship between the American Christians and Amy Coney Barrett sure to come soon. Thank you once again CNN, you never fail to give us the important news!
Well, that about does it gang. All of your current events in one place! If it wasn’t covered here, it probably isn’t really happening. But I gotta get going, it’s October and all month it’s free Pumpkins and Blumpkins at Ace Hardware. Ciao for now!