Originally published by Shitty Bill
Twenty-five seconds after the Baltimore Ravens’ win over the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, Calvin Johnson was found naked, whipped, and strung up on a street sign at the north end of Mack Avenue in midtown Detroit.
Joseph La Porta, 22, of Gloversville, NY was arrested after being spotted by Stuart Scott’s good eye jumping into a getaway car driven by six Nigerian refugees and one scrawny white lunatic. La Porta was in possession of a whip, some string, a taser, and four double-barreled shotguns when he was arrested. The scrawny white lunatic, Tom Plumadore, was in possession of five large katanas.
La Porta spoke only in Etruscan, an ancient Italian language active from 700 BC to 50 AD, upon being read his rights.
“We couldn’t find anyone within 7,000 miles to translate what the [expletive] he was saying,” said Detroit police captain Eminem. “From the toxicology reports it appears that Mr. Johnson was force fed multiple uppers, a couple downers, and an exceptional amount of blue and yellow purple pills before being slain.”
La Porta’s motive is unknown but it has been reported that he originally lost his fantasy football matchup by one point and may have acted irrationally in response. He was extradited to his home country of Australia where he hopped away in a kangaroos pouch after finding out he won his matchup on the strength of a stat correction.
“Am pava lautni husiur papals Aesar,” said La Porta as he escaped. “Thamna tul Velcitna teta clan sec prumao.”
We have used rapid age progression technology to generate a composite of what La Porta may now look like since he was last seen violating that kangaroo 20 minutes ago.
Anyone with information leading to the capture of Joseph La Porta is urged to call Marshawn Lynch, who has taken over the investigation after walking into Detroit’s 12th precinct and saying so.
A press conference has been scheduled for three years from now after all the press conferences for all the other dead black guys in Detroit are caught up on.