While the radical left ESPN fantasy app may say it’s officially Week 14 and a playoff bracket has been filled, in reality the Week 13 playoff push is far from over. With 6 teams fighting for the final 3 spots and all Week 13 games reporting 100% of the point totals, it will now be up to the high court to determine what three teams advance to the playoffs after multiple owners filed lawsuits with the GFFL on Wednesday. Hey gang, Harry HorseCock here, and this week we’ll be taking a look at how the Week 13 playoff push was rigged, the lawsuits that have been filed because of it, and the likely result of said lawsuits. Let’s dive in:

The GFFL regular season final standings as reported by the radical left ESPN fantasy app.

Heading into Week 13, the 6 teams still fighting for a playoff spot were PK (7-5), Rock (6-6), Joe (6-6), Mike (6-6), Natedogg (5-7), and Scones (5-7). With Mike trailing in the point totals by a hefty margin, PK, Rock, and Joe just simply needed to win to make it in. And according to ESPN, PK and Rock did just that in order to lock up the 4 and 5 seeds, respectively. However, ESPN is also claiming that Joe lost his ever important Week 13 matchup to league dirt grub, Jack. That opened the door for Mike to sneak in if he could knock off number 3 overall seed and league commissioner, Pedro “Adolf” Close. And somehow, against all odds and with only scoring 90.72 points, Mike managed to beat Pedro by less than 2 points and lock up the 6 seed. Meanwhile Natedogg, who did his part in Week 13 by knocking off league leader Randy and outscoring Mike, got sent packing for the mundane randy bracket. And as for Vinny, well, ESPN declared Chester to be the winner of their Week 13 showdown. But as you’ll see, that “victory” for Chester was also under suspicious circumstances.

ESPN fantasy app’s projected 2020 playoff brakcet.

So where are we now? According to ESPN, we’re left with a playoff bracket that will see 3 seed Pedro take on 6 seed Mike (an admittedly welcome sight for Pedro), and 4 seed PK taking on 5 seed Rock. Unless one of the numerous lawsuits filed by various owners of the GFFL have anything to say about it, that is. Let’s take a look at the lawsuits:

The actual 2020 playoff bracket according to respected moderate news outlet The Gateway Pundit. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Gateway Pundit analysts have determined the rightful winner of the 6 seed to actually be Pookie.

Natedogg – The first on the list and by far the simplest is Natedogg’s lawsuit against Pedro. Dogger is suing on the basis that Pedro intentionally lost his matchup against Mike by starting Kerryon Johnson instead of his brother Duke. This claim may have some merit, seeing as before Sunday Night Football kicked off Pedro was quoted as saying “I would much rather play Mike next week than Nate or Vinny.” Natedogg is also alleging that commissioner Close added an interception to Justin Herbert’s stats in order to shave 2 extra points off his final score – a claim which is likely to turn up true in court. But sadly for Natedogg, until that happens, he’s looking at the top seed in the mundane randy bracket.

The 2020 playoff bracket according to respected news outlet Breitbart News Network. Natedogg is expected to sue Breitbart for defamation as soon as this article is published.

Joe! – Joe’s lawsuits are where it starts to get a little more complicated. Similarly to Natedogg, Joe is also suing Pedro for throwing his Week 13 matchup against Mike, with the hopes of getting his father’s victory overturned. But that’s not all Joe’s doing. He’s also suing ESPN for not allowing his representatives to stand close enough to “touch the tits” of ESPN workers while they tallied up Darren Waller’s score. As Joe puts it, “any points tallied while their titties were untouched are illegal and must be dismissed.” That of course, would negate all 45 of Darren Waller’s points and also overturn Natedogg’s victory against Randy.

A representative for Joe (left) observes a point worker for ESPN (right) tallying points for Derek Henry during Week 13 – a standard practice. The same representative for Joe would later be denied observation of Darren Waller’s point tally by a different ESPN representative.

But wait, there’s more! Joe’s final suit is against Jack, on the grounds that Jack had dead people and illegal aliens in his lineup which helped him win their Week 13 bout. According to Joe, David Montgomery is “a fuckin illegal gook,” and he is “pretty sure Austin Ekeler died a few months ago.” If Joe succeeds in his quest to throw out Montgomery and Ekeler’s points, it would also overturn his loss to Jack and propel him up to 7-6. If he also managed to win his other 2 lawsuits, Joe would find himself in the 6 seed he claims is rightfully his. Until then, however, Joe is only the 2 seed in the mundane randy. 

The 2020 playoff bracket according to respected news outlet The Daily Wire. Luckily for Joe, Daily Wire is projecting him to come away with the 6 seed in the end.

Scones – Alright, before we start hashing out all of Vinny’s lawsuits, take a minute to pop an adderall. Trust me, you’re gonna need it. Now that you’re in the fucking zone, this will make a lot more sense. Much like everyone else, Scones is also suing Pedro for all the same reasons as everyone else. Because if Mike wins, all of this is for nothing, and the circumstances surrounding his victory are just far too suspicious to ignore. And he’s also doubling down on Joe’s lawsuit against ESPN for their handling of Darren Waller’s point tally in attempt to overturn Nate’s victory, however his suit addresses the use of the completely one sided Dominion scoring machines as well. But his third lawsuit is where his path to the playoffs starts to detour from his opponent’s.

The Dominion scoring machines (like the one pictured above) used to tally point totals in Natedogg and Randy’s Week 13 matchup were pre-programmed to award all of the points to Natedogg.

Vinny is suing Chester for allegedly starting an illegal lineup in Week 13. Vinny argues that by not starting 2 Tight End’s, Chester’s lineup was illegal and any points it scored must be thrown out. What’s strange is that Vinny didn’t even start 2 Tight End’s himself (shocking, I know), which by his own logic would make his lineup illegal as well. But if his lawsuit holds up in court, it will overturn his loss to Chester and get Vinny up to 6-7. But it doesn’t stop there. Vinny’s fourth suit is against ESPN yet again. In this suit, Scones is alleging that ESPN falsely reported Scary Terry McLaurin’s point total as 3.4 when he really had 12 catches for 344 yards and 5 touchdowns. This should be an easy one for Vinny to get overturned, as the game tape doesn’t lie. An overturn by the court would give Vinny the upper hand in the point total tie breaker with any opponent. And this brings us to our final lawsuit:

Jack/Pookie/Scones – Initially filed by Jack, this lawsuit is against Chester, Mike, Pedro, and Rock, and alleges that their mishandling of their own lineups subsequently affected his lineup, because his team was supporting a Vinny playoff push. By illegally and unconstitutionally setting lineups to go against Vinny, these four teams undermined Jack’s own lineup he had set to help clear Vinny’s path to the palyoffs. After the suit was filed, Pookie immediately joined, making it two of the stereotypically smartest owners of the league vs the other pathetic commie idiots. And that’s when Vinny declared his legal team would also be intervening on the lawsuit, and that this would be “the big one.” Scones also stated that 17 other league owners had now joined the suit on his behalf, and more would be expected, as “the majority of the league and world knows [he] rightfully won, and the 6 seed is rightfully [his]”. 

Recent helmet mandates by the league have been protested by some league members as they question whether or not helmets truly do help slow the spread of concussions.

Vinny has been highly critical of the league for it’s helmet mandate, stating “this shit is unconstitutional and there’s no proof that helmets even help to stop concussions.” He is expected to file another lawsuit alleging that the helmet mandate caused poor player turnout for his team, which lost him the 6 seed. More on this development still to come next week, so don’t miss it! Ciao for now.