Every year, hundreds and hundreds of players manage to fall through the cracks and off the radars of even the greatest fantasy football professionals. So it should come as no surprise that the inbred mouth breathing members of the GFFL (Fulton County’s premier fantasy football league) can’t manage to predict every breakout player either.

Hey gang, six time cock push up world champion (2008 – 2012, 2019) and PGA amateur star Harry HorseCock here with some Week 2 waiver wire targets you won’t believe went undrafted! Whether you’re looking to stash a sleeper like Bill Cosby or exterminate your entire squad like Pedro “Adolf” Close, I’ve got the picks for you! Cause either way, someone’s getting boned! Let’s dive in!

  1. RB – Peyton Barber – WSH – I know what you’re thinking: There’s no way he’s available, he had to be starting in SOMEONE’S lineup this week, nobody is that dumb to leave Barber unstarted. But believe it or not, Peyton Barber is available in the GFFL. And boy, did he make league owners pay for not starting him. Barber is coming off a 2 TD Week 1 which saw him absolutely gash the feeble and weak Eagles defense for a whopping 29 yards on just 17 carries, as well as completely annihilate league owner Patrick Kennedy’s asshole (the latter being in a non-fantasy football related incident). Although he holds no value as a receiver (or runner), league owners should immediately spend at least half of their budget to roster and start Barber for the remainder of the year and never look back. Enjoy winning the league if you’re the lucky owner that steals this waiver wire lottery pick! FAAB: $500 or 50% (and even that is probably undervaluing Barber)
  2. RB – JaMycal Hasty – SF – Relegated to a role on the practice squad, Hasty finished the day Sunday with as many points as living female sexual partners that league owners Eric “Pookie” Lucas, Chester Lomanto, and Jack Vandenabeele have had in their lives combined. Despite being held scoreless through his career, it’s obvious what Hasty brings to the table for fantasy owners (which is more than can be said about Pookie, Chester, and Jack, unfortunately). He’s not going to add a lot of value in the rushing or receiving phases of the game, but the acquisition of Hasty will immediately improve any owner’s team name. So much so that owners will want to spend roughly a fifth of their budget to secure the rookie running back. FAAB: $200 or 20%
  3. WR/RB – Kenny Golladay, Le’Veon Bell, Brandin Cooks, Bryan Edwards, & “Scummy Scary” Terry McLaurin – Multiple Teams – That’s right folks, coming in as my number three Week 2 waiver wire target, we have the entire Scum Squad! Don’t let the names fool you – these players are as scummy as they come. Although they aren’t currently available at the time of writing, just know that after combining for 23.6 points in Week 1, they’ll surely be available come Wednesday morning. But before you go breaking your budget, ask yourself these three crucial questions: Does Pedro want me to be happy and successful? Why would he drop such big name players? And doesn’t he usually like having five large black penises shoved into his orifice’s simultaneously? The answer to those questions in order are no; because he wants you to waste your precious FAAB on useless players he himself would prefer to replace; and definitely. But unfortunately for Pedro, these large black penises and his orifices are strictly literal-metaphorical (and also much more on the small end of the spectrum as opposed to large). Trust me gang, this bunch is only worth about 10% of your budget, and that’s only if they’re packaged together. FAAB: 0 – $100 or 0 – 10% (pending a package deal)

As an added bonus, I’m going to pepper in the two players most likely to be claimed off of the majority of waiver wires that I believe should be avoided AT ALL COSTS. Because sometimes, saving that FAAB and passing up on the wrong player is just as valuable as claiming the right player!

  1. WR – Braxton Berrios – NYJ – An intriguing post-hype sleeper, Berrios is still available in the GFFL, as well as 100% of ESPN leagues at the time of writing. After a solid benching in Week 1 that saw Berrios see 0 targets on the way to 0 points, it’s no wonder league owners across the globe are frantically scrambling to add the second year speedster. But if you slow down and take a closer look at Berrios, you’ll see that he only has as many career receptions as league owners Marco DeLilli, Shaun “Rock” Anich, and Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela have each drank gallons of camel cum, which is of course, 6. As we all know, if there’s one thing that’s king in fantasy football, it’s volume. And due to the lack of volume of targets in the passing game as well as a lack of penis volume from being white, you can safely pass on Braxton Berrios this week and the remainder of the season… Until he sees an uptick in targets or becomes black, that is*.
  2. WR – Olamide Zaccheaus – ATL – You’re probably sick of hearing the name by now. If you own a television set, a smart phone, or a computer, chances are you’ve heard the name Olamide Zaccheaus at least a few dozen times. And rightfully so, as the second year pro finds himself firmly at the bottom of the Falcons depth chart after narrowly beating out undrafted rookie Chris Rowland to earn a spot. But if you can manage to see past the hype, you’ll clearly see that Zaccheaus hasn’t caught a pass in 2020. Perhaps even more alarming, Zaccheaus is last in the pecking order for targets in this gifted Falcons offense. Much like Pookie Lucas, Natedogg McGregor, and Joe LaPorta’s lives, Zaccheaus’ ceiling is the basement floor. So unless there’s an injury, save your FAAB and let some other camel cum chugger waste their 20%, Marco.

Before I slap a condom on this article, I’ll blow my load of valuable information on all of you and leave you with one deep sleeper (a fantasy football deep sleeper, sorry Scones). Keep in mind that this is based off of hours and hours of absolutely no research. 

  1. TE – Mo Alie-Cox – IND – Listen to me: don’t walk, RUN to the waiver wire right now and slap at least a quarter of your FAAB on Alie-Cox. The guy is an absolute animal on the field, and according to league owner Mike LaPorta, he’s “not bad in the sack” either. Huge dong. And it was evident on Sunday, when Alie-Cox quite literally and metaphorically cock-slapped three unnamed Jags defenders on his way to 2 catches for 20 yards. All three defenders are now in the league’s concussion protocol and are each expected to miss 4-6 weeks. It was also reported that one of the three defenders likely developed CTE from the blow. I mean there are horse cocks, and then there’s Mo Alie-Cox. Snag’n’stash him now to the tune of 25% of your FAB and thank me later when he wins you the league. FAAB: $250 or 25%

That about does it gang – your 2020 Week 2 waiver wire targets all in one place. If they weren’t listed here, it’s for good reason, and they should be disregarded until further notice. Now Carlos is stopping by for Monday Night Football, and I’ve got a cigar burning, beers to drink, and weed to smoke. Ciao for now.

About the author: Harrison HorseCock lives at home in pajamas and filth, and is the former undisputed cock push up champion of the world. From 2008 – 2012, Harry won five consecutive world championships. After a fleshlight related injury, Harry failed to reach the podium again until he reclaimed the title in 2019, coming from 11 reps behind to win at the buzzer. Immediately following the improbable victory, Harry announced his retirement from the WCPUC (World Cock Push Up Championship). Harry now spends his time as an amateur golfer on the PGA tour, as well as writing articles for the GFFL. He receives little to no recognition for either.