Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei
We tend to put the lives of pro athletes on a pedestal. However, after contacting Detroit Lions RB rising star Joique Bell, a quick glimpse into his existence provided a new portrait of the life led by large African-American men.
3:00 AM: Reggie Bush wakes me up crying again. This time his tooth hurts. Try to get some sleep before Jim Schwartz’s daily update on the night’s Harbaugh stakeout.
6:20 AM: Schwartz calls later than usual. Claims he got out of his car and confronted Harbaugh last night demanding a handshake, Harbaugh refused. Schwartz still sounds drunk.
6:30 AM: Decide to let Reggie sleep in, he needs it. Brush teeth while peeing on #35 Buffalo Bills jersey. Laugh.
6:39-6:50 AM: Watch video of myself jacking off/up a streaker in Cleveland again. Shoot first load of day.
6:51 AM: Cook up some oats, add relish. Reggie loves relish.
7:00 AM: Clean house while oats cook. Vacuum, put away dishes, let Ndamukong out. Ndamukong takes large poop and tries to personally foul it.
7:10 AM: Take oats off heat. Fix two bowls for me and Reg.
7:15 AM: Wake up Reggie with a kiss on the forehead. Reggie opens eyes complaining of concussion like symptoms.
7:30 AM: Solid meal of oats and relish. Reggie watches cartoons on the couch while I lay out his clothes for the day: rocket ship shirt, yoga pants, wool socks, tophat.
8:00 AM: Call up Wayne State University staff directory, ask for Coach Paul Winters. Put phone on speaker, hop in shower. Have long intimate conversation. Second load of day. Go Warriors.
9:00 AM: Get Reggie up off the couch finally. He wants chocolate milk and relish. I make him some.
9:10 AM: Get Reggie dressed. Today is David Akers 71st birthday. Ask David if its ok to bring Ndamokung to his birthday bash. David says no.
10:00 AM: Go to Wal-Mart with Reggie to pick out David’s gift. Reggie is distracted by women’s swimwear section. We finally get to children’s toys and decide on a new bike for Reggie. Get David a bird feeder.
11:00 AM: Get back home to wrap present/give Reggie quick lesson on new bike. Reggie signs card `#yolo.’ Reggie falls off bike, hurts inner anus again. Schwartz drives by seeing Reggie on bike, scolds me.
12:00 PM: Party time! Take Reggie’s jet down to David’s home in Florida. “When the Saints Come Marching In” plays in the limo that picks us up. Reggie begins shaking profusely, I calm him down in my arms. Need to pick up PTSD prescription.
1:45 PM: Thankfully make it to Davids, Reggie was getting fidgety. Trouble getting out of limo because Reggie won’t put on tophat. Threaten to take away his Lincoln Logs, he complies.
2:00 PM: Walk into David Akers’ home to find he and Jeff Feagles sharing large plate of pasta. Ask where everyone else is. David doesn’t know who I am nor that its his birthday. Loves the bird feeder.
2:45 PM: Play chicken against David and Jeff. Lose. Reggie doesn’t get hurt.
3:30 PM: Jeff pops in LotR while I put Reggie down for nap.
5:00 PM: Wake up Reg, leave David’s. Stop at Wendy’s for a salad. Tony Scheffler working in Florida Wendy’s. I think Tony spit in my salad, I eat it anyway. Me and Tony are tight.
5:45 PM: Board plane bound for Detroit.
7:00 PM: Land in Detroit. Drive home.
8:00 PM: Call Schwartz, no answer. Leave message telling him Reggie is ok.
8:03 PM: Walk into home and am immediately taken out at knees by Ndamokung. There is poop literally everywhere including on Ndamokung. Hose off Ndamokung, clean up feces in living room. Catch Reggie in the kitchen getting into relish jar.
9:30 PM: Get Reggie in PJs. Read him bedtime story “Vince Young’s Career.” Reggie goes to sleep with smile on face.
10:00 PM: Finally alone time. Watch comedic stylings of Gallagher transitioning into third load of day. Finish diary entry, turn out light. Thank God for this lifestyle.
