Originally published by Dwite Schrute
Its clear that last week’s pilot article left readers begging for more to come, such like Brent does when starring down the barrel of an erected penis. So due to public request, Dwite Schrute is back this week to deliver The Aftermath of Week 3. ( A little late but as a wise man once said, “Better late than gay.”)
Pat (Away) Vs. Jack (Home)
Its officially been proven that Jack V. is indeed homosexual. This past week’s rape of an innocent man is clear proof that Jack has been hiding in a dark closet since birth. Jermichael Finley’s debut with Pat’s squad was as big a bust as the entire Giants offense this year. An injury early in the contest, combined with a lack of production of Pat’s receiver core, left him bent over the table of fantasy football with his pants around his ankles. Jack knows when to take full advantage of a desperate man in this position, and he did it flawlessly.
Matt (Away) Vs. Joe (Home)
When you think of fantasy football, the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind is kickers. Surprisingly the two kickers in this match-up had little-to-no effect on the outcome of this one (Combining for a total of 1 point). Here’s the real story: Only 2 of Matt’s players scored in the double digits this week, while Joe had 3 players to do so. ( The remaining offense scored 25-24 respectively, becoming a non-factor). Matt still put up a solid fight with an injury-filled lineup which shows how fluky Joe’s record truly is. A win like this for Joe is like a pair of lopsided breasts, they may feel good in the darkness of night, but in the light of day, you realize that you can only put up with them for so long.
Vose (Away) Vs. Brent (Home)
We all thought that Brent could not possibly be any worse at managing a fantasy football team, but this week, he put forth his best effort to prove us all wrong. He dug deep into his mindless bag of tricks and stumbled upon an old tactic used senselessly by a Mr. Michael Michelle Lomanto: He started a Ram’s QB. Not only did his original starting QB (Russel Wilson) score 12 more than a last second pickup, he also started Hakeem Nicks who put up a whopping 0 fantasy points. Vose did not win this battle. Brent seemingly found the worst possible combination of players on his team to beat himself. This presents another aspect to the world of fantasy sports: You don’t always need the best players, or the best squad, you just have to pray that your opposing fantasy owner has an IQ lower than the average brick. Vose’s prayers were granted this week.
Shaun (Away) Vs. Chester (Home)
Shaun’s team had the classic case of “whiskey dick” this week. He has an offense that can be rather explosive at times, but failed to ejaculate this week as he goes 1-2 on the season. Expect that from Shaun a lot this year. At times we will see a whale’s cum-load of points sprayed across the scoreboard. Unfortunately we will also see the equivalence of Micheal J Fox attempting to color within the lines. A “Shaky” team will doom Shaun in hopes for a playoff run.
Mike (Away) Vs. Ian (Home)
An average performance by the infamous “Ass Man” led to a victory over Ian “The Gay Guy” Gillis this week. It seems that Ian laid more eggs than Mother Goose at a fuck farm. In Ian’s defense, starting an inactive Vernon Davis was most likely the result of oversleeping. Sometimes its not easy for an alcoholic to wake up in time to set the lineup on Sunday. Davis’s game was at a very early 4:25 PM, so its not hard to blame this awful lack of consciousness on the “al-al-al-al-alchohol”
EDIT: It appears my sarcasm was mislead. Ian didn’t have a backup TE for his injured Vernon Davis. Not quite sure which call here is worse.
Marco (Away) Vs. Vinny (Home)
Marco goes a solid 3-0 this week with his intensive ass rape of Vinny. As for Vinny this week, he can find solace in the fact that his kicker was his leading scorer. Not too often can you say that your kicker scored more than 5 of your players combined (nor do you want to). Regardless of Vinny’s utter collapse in Week 3, I don’t believe it made any difference. Marco has a consistent scoring attack with the most Points Forced so far (319). His WORST game (88) would have beaten 16 of 33 other teams scores this season. If you see Marco on your schedule, don’t hesitate to lubricate your ass in precaution. It’s clear that The Agency is the team to beat this year.