Typically, I start my mornings with a cup of hot, black coffee, a steady drip of morphine through an IV, and a finger up the rear end from a Zimbabwean midget.
But I simply don’t have time for that this morning, god dammit. I have a column to produce. So fuck me sideways with a lunchbox you transvestite little whores. It’s time to review Week 9.
TOP 4 DEAD PEOPLE I’M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT
1. Kobe Bryant
Thanks for the moving eulogy, Mike. God bless you.
2. Chadwick Boseman
Seems like a nice guy, but when I watched Black Panther I truly had no fucking idea what was happening the entire time. I haven’t been so confused during a movie since I saw 42, also starring Boseman. A black man playing baseball? It just didn’t jive with the reality I’ve come to know and love. Chad was kind of the Obama of actors. Offered nothing of substance, was only successful because of the black turnout, and after 8 years in the business – he’s gone. Wakanda Forever.
3. Ruth Bader Ginsburg
Gays, abortions, and racial equality – oh my! Save it, Ruth. Despite being the most fuckable Supreme Court Justice even at the ripe age of 87, women act like Ruth is much more than a series of dried, shriveled holes. Well I have news for you: she isn’t! And now she’s been replaced with someone who, armed with thousands of factoids learned from Rush Limbaugh, can truly get the job done.
4. Alex Trebek
Perhaps an unpopular opinion, but any alive human that knows how to read could do Alex Trebek’s job. Sadly, he is now a non-alive human but alas – a bright spot emerges in the form of a new host.
WRAPPING UP
In lieu of actually discussing anything fantasy football related this week, I spent my entire morning making this video that I simply hope will brighten everyone’s day.
While no one will miss Bryant or Trebek, there are quite a few people seemingly gone from our lives who we WILL remember fondly for the rest of our days. Friendship is precious. Time moves quickly. Cherish every moment.
Please join me next week where we will play a modified version of Fuck The Hole of Thomas Cole featuring Randy playing the role of Tom Cole and us dressing up as our favorite childhood television characters. Cheers.
