It’s 4:00 PM on Tuesday Week 11 and I have as much hope and inspiration for finishing my weekly column as GFFL owner Joe La Porta has in life. (If you haven’t heard, after being fired from his job late September, Joe has yet to hear back from any of the thousands of potential jobs he applied to. Cons of having a chlamydia I suppose.) No idea what the fuck I’m going to do here.
Hey gang, Harry HorseCock here! It’s now 4:23 PM on Thursday Week/11, and boy do I have a column for you! We’ll be taking a look at a little bit of everything this week, including Week/11 memories, 9/11 memories, the trade deadline, and not much more. So stay seated, buckle up your seatbelt, and call up your loved ones and tell them you love them, because things are about to get bumpy!
Taking off –
Much to the dismay of NFL owners across the league, Keelan “Tom” Cole stated publicly that he would prefer to stay with the Jaguars than play for another team. Acting like he has dozens of possible options, “Tom” stated “I won’t play for no fuckin team with a bird for a mascot, and I won’t play for a team with a winning record. Those are my two bugaboos.” Although a shame for the Cardinals, Seahawks, Falcons, Ravens, Eagles, and any team over .500, the remaining teams will surely be lining up out the door for a shot at signing “Tom” Cole this offseason.
Bruce Arians referred to Antonio Brown as a “model citizen” yesterday, right before word was received that Donald Trump actually won Michigan and the 2020 election. Shortly after that, Arians publicly asked Jerry Sandusky and Casey Anthony to be to be the godparents of his newborn child. Truly an inspiring day in the world of sports, politics, and everything else.
Hi, Jack! – In this segment, we’ll be taking a moment to check in on GFFL league owner Jack Vandenabeele. Let’s see what he’s up to this week…
Now we’ll take a look at what Jack is widely assumed to be doing on September 11th, 2001.
Nobody can prove where Jack was on 9/11, but one thing’s for sure – wherever he was, he definitely didn’t need to be sent home.
With the trade deadline rapidly approaching, now is as good a time as any to review the biggest trade of the season in the Poyfair League. In this Week 1 blockbuster, Ricky Morgan traded away Saquon Barkley to Barkim Ashe for an eighth of crank. Needless to say, critics of Ricky were silenced after a season ending injury to Barkley just 9 days later in Week 2. Since the trade, Burrow your Chubb in my Hines (Ricky Morgan) have gone 7-3, while The Shepard and The Lamb (Barkim Ashe) have fallen to 5-5 and out of the playoff picture.
Crash Landing –
Pretty pathetic, am I right? At 2-8, Jack is no longer just the laughing stock of Fulton County, but the laughing stock of the entire GFFL as well. But believe it or not, Jack isn’t mathematically eliminated from the playoffs just yet. Here’s what needs to happen:
If that’s hard for you to read, it’s because it’s math and math shouldn’t be read like words, or by women! This is complicated stuff, so I’ll try to break it down for you best I can. Jack needs to win his 3 remaining games against Mike, Vinny, and Joe to improve to 5-8. Meanwhile, both La Porta’s need to drop their final 3 games to fall to 5-8 a piece. This means Natedogg beating Joe in Week 12. But in order to keep him at 5-8, he will also need to lose to Vinny and Randy in Weeks 11 and 13, respectively. Chester and Pookie each need to drop at least 1 of their final 3 games, and after all is said and done, Jack will have to outscore Joe, Mike, Pookie, Chester, Vinny, and Natedogg by 85 points over the final 3 games. Although Jack has filed multiple unsuccessful lawsuits regarding his point totals in numerous weeks, it’s clear that finding a path into the playoffs is going to be an uphill battle. Seriously, it’s looking like President Trump has a clearer path to the Whitehouse than Jack has to the 2020 playoffs. But after reaching the championship in 3 of the last 4 seasons, it’s evident that Jack has finally crashed down to Earth, or in his case, a building.
But that about does it gang. Tune in next week when we lure the homeless into a bus with promises of drugs and a Thanksgiving dinner, only to have the bus driver fatally drive it off a cliff! Sure to be a lot of laughs, so don’t miss it! Ciao for now!