Originally published by Philadelphia Collins

The cat’s ass has spoken.

Week one is in the bag folks. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed fantasy football season, and I’m almost sad to see that one week has already gone by so fast. We laughed, we cried, and then there was Brent. On to the rankings:

Rank) Owner (record) (last week’s rank)

1) Chester (1-0) (5): In a big “fuck you,” to his league-mates, Chester angrily distributed his feces upon the entire league this week, as he laid a thrashing upon Brent’s hopeless team. Many experts projected Team lomanto to fade into the abyss from the get-go, but he responded with a statement like no other team could have dreamed of.

Points: 151

Top Scorer: Peyton Manning (46)

Next Week: @ Vose

2) Mike (1-0) (2): Adrian Peterson set the tone for the CAT’S ASS’ dominance on his first snap, rushing 78 yards for a score and locking up 13 fantasy points on one carry. Mike’s team was no one-man show this week, as seemingly every player we saw score on the Red Zone Channel was an employee of the feline’s derriere. The Cat’s Ass has spoken folks: stay out of its path.

Points: 115

Top Scorer: Adrian Peterson (28)

Next Week: vs. Marco

3) Matt (1-0) (3): I like what I saw out of Matt’s incredibly sexy team this week: Great production spread across the board. Instead of riding the huge, black back of one of his players to victory, Matt saw everyone contribute to this thrashing of the Oxford Academy grad: Everyone except the TE, K, and D/ST scored double-digit fantasy points. When production is coming from everyone rather than just a couple of players, it suggests that the team will consistently do well and avoid the fluke roller-coaster.  I like this team to start scoring more and more down the road. Fuck yeah.

Points: 108

Top Scorer: Matthew Stafford (22)

Next Week: vs. Brent

4) Marco (1-0) (8): Although we need to see more from first round pick Doug Martin, Marco had some other key contributors that were able to shoulder the load for his team this week. Reggie Bush was a monster, scoring 25 fantasy points despite having two scores called back. The real stat of this team? Between Drew Brees (22), Wes Welker (18), Owen Daniels (18), and Blair Walsh (8), the K-WTA led the league in a key statistic: WMFP (white man fantasy points). Marco’s 66 WMFP accounted for a whopping 58.4% of his total production, a new GFFL record (can someone check on this for me?). This is an excellent sign of things to come for the Talent Agency, for reasons I do not understand.

Points: 113

Top Scorer: Reggie Bush (25)

Next Week: @ Mike (America’s Game of the Week)

5) Vinny (1-0) (4): I’m not floored by this team’s production this week, but a win is a win. Although the amazing Victor Cruz single-handedly won this game for Vinny, his team was also the unlucky victim of the “Stevan Ridley doghouse syndrome.” Shane Vereen is going to miss some time, meaning Ridley should bounce back and things should be a little more consistent for Vinny going forward. Look for Victor Cruz to continue his pace of 3 TDs per game, and for Vinny to continue to have the best bench QB in fantasy.

Points: 112

Top Scorer: Victor Cruz (29)

Next Week: @ Shaun

6) Shaun (0-1) (7): Coming in at number six is my highest-ranked 0-1 team. Despite absolute duds from two of his top picks, Shaun’s team still had a solid week, narrowly falling to one of the best teams in the league. I still think that CJ Spiller will turn it on and this team will put up enough points to win on any week that they don’t have to play Mike or Chester.

Points: 107

Top Scorer: Robert Griffin III (23)

Next Week: vs. Vinny

7) Joe (1-0) (9): A win is a win, but this was one of the most non-convincing wins I have ever seen. Colin Kaepernick’s 30 points bailed out the team after mediocre performances across the board. Joe’s top two picks, Trent Richardson and Calvin Johnson, combined for a mere 10 fantasy points, putting their combined score level with kicker Phil Dawson. Calvin and Trent are sure to put up more points in the future, so now is the time to trade for Dawson before his stock rises any higher.

Points: 95

Top Scorer: Colin Kaepernick (30)

Next Week: vs. Jack

8) Pat (0-1) (1): Another 0-1 team that could have done better; there were enough points here to beat some of the other owners, and the goose egg in the TE slot didn’t help. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Pat made the dumb move of benching first-round pick Aaron Rodgers in favor of late-round flier Mike Vick. By the miraculous vinegar strokes of Baby Jesus, Vick edged out Rodgers by a mere fantasy point, propelling Pat to genius status. This is the equivalent of going for two at the end of a game to win, instead of taking the sure-fire extra point to tie and go to OT: If it doesn’t work, you’re criticized as the worst coach in the league. If it does work, you’re deemed a football genius and secure the victory…. by one fucking point.

Points: 104

Top Scorer: Mike Vick (27)

Next Week: vs. Ian

9) Vose (0-1) (6): Here is another example of a team whose behind felt the penetrating fists of two of their top picks. Marshawn Lynch and MJD combined for 8 points, leaving Vose with virtually no chance to pull out the win, or the fists. I think there is some legitimate concern here, as Lynch and MJD are both victims of the wear-and-tear, not unlike this team’s posterior. Only time will tell how things unfold for the TotemScrotums, but Gronk’s looming return will certainly help.

Points: 81

Top Scorer: Demaryius Thomas (28)

Next Week: vs. Chester

10) Jack (0-1) (12): Jack climbs two spots in this week’s rankings, but that is by default. Jack failed to have anyone score more than 15 points, and that player is now injured. There was some consistent-double digit production, but it wasn’t enough to have any real impact on the outcome. This team’s future rests entirely in the hands of Cam Newton and Ray Rice. Even if these guys get it together, I’m seriously concerned by the league-low 8 WMFP scored by the team from Oxford. (WMFP clarification: Brent’s team had only 7 points from all-white players, but half-black TE Jimmy Graham contributes half of his 10 points to the team’s WMFP total, leaving Jack in last.)

Points: 88

Top Scorer: Shane Vereen (15)

Next Week: @ Joe

11) Ian (0-1) (10): Ian’s team had a very disheartening outing, to say the very least. None of the backs and receivers on this team eclipsed double-digit fantasy points. At least that horrid team name is gone, replaced with a low-end mediocre one.

Points: 79

Top Scorer: Matt Ryan and Vernon Davis (21)

Next Week: @ Pat

12) Brent (0-1) (11): If I showed you these rankings before the week started, would anyone believe it? Brent was this week’s highest projected scorer, going up against Chester, the lowest projected scorer. I think that’s enough proof to throw away any faith you might still have in ESPN’s fantasy projections. LeSean McCoy was the only bright spot on this embarrassing “team.”

Points: 78

Top Scorer: LeSean McCoy (24)

Next Week: @ Matt