Welcome to a very special Wednesday edition of TMTT.
Wednesday is a day that is near and dear to my heart due to the incredibly gay shit Commisioner Close and I did together each Wednesday night in college as precocious freshman at the State University of New York at Oswego. We reserved that day for our most forbidden and fluid-inducing sexual endeavors because the dormitory cleaning crew usually came around on Thursday mornings. Cleanup in Room 203!
But Fall 2009 wasn’t the first time Matt would see his insides fall out of his body, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last. And that brings us to Week 5.
BILL CLOSE FELINE ASSASSINATION OF THE WEEK
Sometimes it feels as if we are hamsters trapped on a wheel.
I get incredibly fucked up on a number of Schedule 1 and 2 narcotics in an effort to write a unique column each week for you guys, yet the same themes tend to consistently arise:
Chester and Pookie are legitimately mentally retarded.
Marco and Mike are historically horrible at fantasy football.
Nate is leveraging his connections with Mexican drug cartels to fix his matchups.
The list goes on and on.
But one thing we seem to have lost sight of is how on any given week, our very own Commissioner is perhaps the most likely to have his colon scrambled like the McFlurry machine at McDonalds.
With his 64 point performance this week, Matt holds the lowest weekly score in 3 of the 6 seasons since the GFFL moved to a PPR format.
Autistic for creating a spreadsheet this involved? Probably. Overrated and corrupt due to his self-appointed dictatorial position? Definitely.
SCONES V. THOMAS – A SAGA
Has any fantasy owner been plagued by one player more than Scones has been plagued by Michael Thomas?
Scones has a truly remarkable thing going this season.
Vinny has had, by a fairly large margin, the worst luck in terms of Points Allowed as his opponents have racked up 716 points through 5 weeks.
But Vinny is, by an equally large margin, also the lowest scoring team in the league.
Michael Thomas or not – there is essentially nothing Vinny can do to not be the shittiest team this year, making his career shift from full time fantasy footballer to Ecuadorian gangster rapper all the more reasonable in the eyes of his friends and family.
INTERVENTION: MIKE LAPORTA
When I teased this segment at the end of Week 4, I intended it as a lighthearted look into some of the outside vices plaguing Mike’s fantasy season. Ya know, like this little purchase he made using Dottie’s retirement fund.
But, sadly, things have grown progressively worrisome over the course of the past week after Mike vanished from his Klimas Rd. home and was later spotted fitting his entire body through a glory hole on a Czechoslovakian fetish website.
We are beyond intervention at this point and any information leading to his safe return stateside will be rewarded using any money Chester may end up winning this season.
Folks – even I can’t be on my A game every week. Let’s regroup in Week 6 and for now just leave you with some random photos of Conrad Chapin.
