GREG BLOWERS
The Associated Press
With the culmination of the third week of NFL play comes a disturbing case of sex abuse out of Philadelphia.
Following the Philadelphia Eagles 26-16 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, several members of the team decided to clear their heads with a road trip to the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains.
“I really like the foliage; the energizing scent of autumn reminds me of my nana’s pumpkin pies and freshly tapped maple syrup,” said wide receiver Jason Avant.
Michael Vick, Jason Peters, and Riley Cooper accompanied Avant. DeSean Jackson narrowly avoided tragedy when he decided to stay home and bake cookies with a 12-year-old boy he woke up next to that morning.
After enjoying a four day, three night stay in a log cabin near Northville, New York, the players departed for Philadelphia, stopping once at a Cumberland Farms convenience store in Gloversville, NY for gas. This is where an unidentified assailant was spotted leaving a local pizzeria and hopping in the trunk of Vick’s Prius. After arriving at Vick’s loft in western Philadelphia, the concealed man held the four Eagles at gunpoint, ordering them all to masturbate on command.
“It was horrible,” said Peters. “He told us to jerk off and when we didn’t do it vigorously enough he put his gun to our head and gave us a hand.”
While three of the players were too shaken to remember most of the minute details, Riley Cooper was able to share some vital information with the PPD.
“I had been in this situation once before so I wasn’t nervous at all,” said Cooper. “This [redacted] kept rambling on about how disappointed he was with the Eagles offense. He also kept harping on the fact that we were somehow responsible for his 0-3 start in his fantasy football league.”
After six hours of various sexual tortures at gunpoint, including sewing Avant’s mouth to Peters’ ass, the man busted an impressive nut and jumped out of the window. Avant was unsewn moments before leaving.
“I’m so glad he took my mouth off Jason’s asshole,” said Avant. “You have to give him credit for that. That was getting really annoying.”
According to Peters, one member of the Eagles actually ejaculated midway through the ordeal.
“Vick thought no one saw it but I was staring right at him when it happened,” said Peters.
“Is Peters saying I came?” said Vick. “I probably did, honestly. It was a very stressful few hours.”
Cooper described the perpetrator as caucasian and wearing a long white t-shirt underneath another t-shirt. If anyone has any information that could lead to the apprehension of this suspect, please contact the Philadelphia Police Department Tips Hotline at 215-686-7819.
Greg Blowers is a general assignment writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer
Originally posted by Shitty Bill