Four weeks of fantasy football have come and gone, Summer has completed its metamorphosis into Fall, and COVID continues to take its toll while GFFL league owner Vinny “Scones” Mosconi somehow continues to escape its wrath, much to the dismay of everybody.
Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here with a special Week 5 edition of “Memories from the First Quarter of the Season” for you! We’ll be taking a look at some of the best and worst moments, as well as the biggest headlines of weeks 1-4. So buckle up, strap in, and rail a line of K, ‘cause things are about to get Harry!
If you’re not a member of the GFFL, you’ve probably heard about this one, and you’re probably a productive and contributing member of society. If you are a member of the GFFL, let’s face it, this one isn’t for you. Much like the few GFFL league owners that actually do have sex, I don’t believe in condoms either. Pull and pray guy. But this headline is enough to make you step back and say “What the fuck is wrong with people?”
I mean really, it sounds like the Vietnamese were at least rinsing out the used condoms before redistributing them to people. And you don’t need to worry about getting any STD’s, because the previous user was wearing a fucking condom! It doesn’t make much sense to me why anyone would wear a jimmy hat or get upset about someone’s smart business move to recycle them. It is also unknown where the Vietnamese company obtained the 300,000+ used condoms from, however it is widely accepted that GFFL league owner Mike “Mr. Ass” LaPorta was not only involved, but the lead conspirator behind the crime.
Unless you’ve been living under a rock or in a trash can in Denver, you probably know that the Titans have been the used dong-bag of the NFL for the past 2 weeks. Having had 23 players diagnosed with COVID since September 24th, the Titans were forced to postpone games against the Steelers and the Bills, leaving many people to ask just what in the fuck the Titans organization is doing?
Though many teams have had a player or two diagnosed with COVID, they have somehow been able to keep their outbreaks limited to just those players by following league protocols. Not the Titans.
A representative for the Titans front office stated “We just been doin’ our normal day-to-day shit. We weren’t ‘posed to practice er nothin’, but that’s just a load’a hoopla! Ain’t no proof the Chinese plague is even real! White Power! So we had our own practice down at the ol’ high school! We’re gonna keep runnin’ this team the same way we done it since the 1800’s! White Power!”
If you’re an owner of a Titans player or any player they’re scheduled to face this year, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, because they’re coming to town to cum in your punch bowl!
Speaking of people we want COVID to kill (the entire Titans organization and that reference to Scones back in the first paragraph), President Donald Trump was diagnosed late last week in a hilarious twist of irony. Unfortunately still alive at 70 something, Trump is more of a prime COVID death candidate than he is a presidential candidate. While it is unknown who Americans would rather see COVID take between Scones and Trump, it is widely considered to be a win-win situation regardless. Just sit back and pray for COVID to do its thing this time, gang.
Unrelated Shit:
That’s right gang, GFFL league owner Joe LaPorta was fired from his job of 5+ years after fucking up on a massive scale some 2 weeks ago! Joe’s forced departure from Global leaves him as the unquestioned scummiest, poorest, and most useless member of the GFFL.
To add insult to injury, GFFL league commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close proceeded to tell Joe that although he would be allowed to finish out this season, he was no longer a member of the friend group due to his “low-class status”, and would not be a member of the GFFL next year either.
When attempting to reach Joe for comment, I received an automated message stating his phone had been disconnected due to a lack of minutes. Anyone with an extra burner phone or a hot meal is encouraged to give them to Joe, however it may be difficult to reach and/or find him. People wishing to donate supplies to Joe should check under the bridge located on Grand Ave in Saratoga Springs, NY, as this was his last known location.
Also on an unrelated note:
GFFL league owner Marco DeLilli made a bold move early Thursday morning when he dropped free agent Antonio Brown for Washington running back J.D. McKissic. At first glance, you might look at that and say “whatever, that’s just Marco being Marco.” While it’s certainly not shocking that Marco would stash an unsigned, suspended player on his bench for the first 5 weeks of the season, what is surprising is the transaction right below Marco’s. Let’s take a closer look:
Once again, GFFL league owner “Home Schooled” Jack Vandenabeele has proven that fantasy football was definitely not a part of the core home school curriculum, when he dropped Lions tight end T.J. Hockenson to claim a running back, but then dropped another running back to claim Jets tight end Chris “The Trash Man” Herndon. If you’re confused by this, it’s probably because you have a fantasy football IQ higher than a raisin. Through 4 weeks, “The Trash Man” has scored a combined 16.4 points, just .2 points shy of Hockenson’s Week 1 outing where he netted 16.6 points. I know Jack was let into the league just to fill a spot, but just how bad did the league need a spot filled?! At some point the integrity of the league needs to be protected and league commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close needs to step in and say “enough is enough”.
Other News:
Well, that about does it gang. The first quarter of the season is officially in the books, and Marco’s bucket of chicken hopes are somehow still alive. But as I’m sure you all know, the Azerbaijan-Armenian war is currently happening and my innate Azerbaijanian patriotism is kicking in (I’m heading over there to start the next Armenian genocide). Ciao for now.