Moose Knuckle
Pronounced: [mus ˈnʌkəl]
Definition: A man’s version of a camel toe. The result of wearing Spandex, or pants that are way too tight – resulting in an unsightly bulge of the testicles.
Sentence: Check out the moose knuckle on that fat fuckin’ bastard!
Morning, men. Wicked hangover this morning after aggressively celebrating the South’s victory in last nights Civil War Matchup. I woke up covered in piss, shit, cum, blood, saliva, bile, and shocker-flavored slushie.
But, I’ve sponged myself off and washed the temporary tattoo swastika off my forehead so let’s take a look at Week 6, shall we?
QUICK VOCAL EXERCISE
First, let’s get warmed up. Try saying Jared Goff 5x fast and tell me it doesn’t sound like you’re saying “Jerk Off.”
THE URINAL TROUGH MATCHUP OF THE YEAR
Something smells. Is that the dead hooker I buried under the porch? No, thank god. She’s under there pretty deep and I used lots of lime. That stench is just PK facing Scones in a fantasy football stinker.
In one of the most rotten affairs we’ve ever had to witness (both Rock and Matt scored more than these 2 did combined), PK fanned the flames early over Snapchat after Vinny had negative points approaching the 2:00 hour.
But in a turn of events essentially all of us saw coming, the ASS Atack nearly backfired and this one was hanging in the balance well into Monday night.
In the end, complete and utter ineptitude prevailed as a wrong decision between Isiah Ford and Breshad Perriman proved the difference in this fifth loss of the season for a man who may soon have to give up the “Scones” moniker out of shame.
Isiah Ford and Breshad Perriman. I CAN’T imagine why Vinny is where he is.
RELEGATION UPDATE
Vinny’s season is not just embarrassing for him and the entire Mosconi family. This year, there are life-altering implications and we have two clear cut unqualified morons at risk of losing their seat at the GFFL table in Scones and Jack.
As it turns out, we also have two clear runaways in the Gloversville Poyfair league primed to make the leap to the big show next season.
Shane Calhoun is 6-0 after soliciting Donald Trump on Twitter to rig his games in exchange for the vote of everyone in Gloversville named Calhoun, Poyfair, Dolder, Morehouse, Young, Brockhum and Blowers.
And folks, we have quite a shocker for you sitting in 2nd place.
After a 1-1 start, Brent Savage surprisingly quit the Poyfair League to join an Iranian cult that worships the elephant as a main source of both food and sexual pleasure.
His replacement has reeled off 4 straight victories to sit alone at 5-1.
Looks like our diversity quotient is set to go up yet again. Looking forward to the political banter between Calhoun and Kennedy, and the series of grunts and spastic hand movements between Timmy and Pookie.
2-POINT CONVERSION
While Jack being relegated to the Poyfair League is a funny little talking point for us in the GFFL, some are saying there may be a more sinister set of circumstances from Jack’s past that may be affecting him this season.
Not much is known outside the Vandenabeele family about the attempted 2007 straightening of our friend Jack. God knows it didn’t work 100% but after a series of semi-functioning Male/Female relationships, Jack has been straight enough to pass undetected for most of his adulthood.
Cue the 2020 Jack Off Golf Tournament where (and I hope I’m not beating a dead horse here) Jack’s own staunchly heterosexual father joined in a crowd of around 50 people chanting “Jacks a Fag” at his own son.
If you looked closely in Jack’s eyes you could actually see the moment the PTSD hit and visions of men’s balls began dancing through his head. In war they call it “shell shock”. For Jack, it was “cock shock.”
Sadly, Jack’s focus has not been the same since his relapse and it shows in the standings. As his friends, let’s pray for him. As God-fearing Christians, get it together Jack you fucking queer.
HALLOWEEN REMINDER
With COVID shuffling the deck across all areas of society, it’s not surprising that I’ve begun seeing early trick or treating going on in some neighborhoods.
So just a quick reminder to ALWAYS inspect your children’s candy before allowing them to dig into their yummy treats.
I took my little munchkins out this past weekend and nearly missed something that a sicko hid in a Snickers bar.
That’s right. I found a fully rolled blunt and Colin Kaepernick hiding in there. Marijuana abuse and liberalism are equally dangerous afflictions. Our very own Patrick Kennedy has been affected by both over the course of his life. Keep an eye out and let’s not let this hedonism propagate another generation. ALL Lives Matter.
Folks, I hope you’re as excited for Week 7 as I am. Not only will we take a deep dive into the Ethan Albright Madden Letter on its 13-year anniversary, we will also be introducing another special video segment where the lowest scorer of the week gets gangbanged by OJ Simpson, David Wells, Andrew Ficili, Joe Biden, and Mr. Feeny.
Cheers!
