Hello and welcome to the GFFL DGB (Degenerate Gambling Breakdown). This will be the weekly breakdown of all the matchups and best bets of the week. Along with any other nonsense that comes up between now and when we put lil Stalin back in his place as the mundane subpar fantasy player that he truly is. Just a quick introduction, I am the only non Gloversville Enlarged School district graduate in the league. Unlike our wannabe Stalin of a leader, and the majority of the rest of you scrubs, I have never been Mundane Randy. I am the 2017 GFFL winner, and have been to the championship but came up short (story of my life) in two of the last three years.

In the first matchup of the year, we have 2018 champ Nathan “Dogger” “8Ball” “Dirtnap Dogger” Mcgregor vs. the 2014 & 2015 champion Joe “Squanto” La Porta. Injury wise, Miles Sanders and DeVante Parker are both questionable coming into the matchup, so we will have to see how that plays out. ESPN currently has Dogger as a 4.5 point favorite, and although his draft was done while driving, it still turned out better than some of the people actually present (even if they were late to the draft). I think Joe’s wide receivers will carry him considering they have very friendly matchups to open the year. I would take the underdog here, especially considering all of Nate’s team is on the road except for his defense. Also, I am fond of Joe’s new team name. Some of his finer work.

In the second matchup we have the Mike showdown. The most senior member of the league, Mike “Mr. Ass” La Porta, against known molester Mike “Chester” “Cmoglock” “Copperpots” Lomanto. It’s almost a dead even matchup, but Cmoglock is currently a 0.4 point favorite. Chester’s team comes in fully healthy and ready to start the season off hot, but he’s relying on a couple of Rams players which I’m sure is a shock to everyone in the league. The much more shocking roster item of note in this matchup is Mike’s lack of Falcons players outside of TE Hayden Hurst. I think the line is accurate unlike most of ESPN’s analysis, but I lean towards ‘Moville today, Hoville tomorrow’ Chester MoGlock due to his WR depth and lack of injury concerns.

The third matchup of the week pits OJ Simpsons biggest Twitter fan Shaun “Rock” “Tractor” Anich against Randy “Boosh” “Boosh Fatnuts” “The Mayor” “Dom Mazzetti wannabe” Tagliatela. Shaun was the 2009 league champion, but that was so long ago that we we may have actually been using punters at that point. Mr. Fatnuts is the 2017 champion and hasn’t made the playoffs ever since. Some may even say he’s a one hit wonder and not capable of managing a team in a league of this level. Randy single-handedly gifted lil Stalin the championship last year after trading him Chris Godwin and Tyler Lockett for a week-old bag of trash. The line is Boosh by 2.2 points, which might surprise some people after reading Harrison Horsecock’s breakdown of the draft. Some may also say that Harrison is biased and is probably getting high on the great state of New York’s taxpayers dime. Randy will need the DJ’s to carry him to victory this week, but then again the Steelers’ D will probably be his best player since they are going against the sad sack of shit organization that is the New York Football Giants. Rock just needs his young wide receiver corps to meet expectations and let Lamar and Zeke do their thing. Take Rock here; once he smokes enough, the correct roster moves will come to him like a blunt in the night.

Next we have Marco “Crenshaw” “Schwed” DeLilli doing the work of the non-fascists of the world against Matthew “lil Stalin” “Hitler” “Il Duce” “Stupid” “Stupid Fucking Pedro” “SFP”  Close. SFP may have won the league last yea, but it was under some shady behavior that somehow landed him elite wide receivers in a forced trade. Marco is a two-time Mundane Randy victor and Matt is also a former Mundane Randy bum. Pedro comes in at a 5.7 point favorite, and Marco does have an injury concern with stud wide receiver Courtland Sutton holding a questionable tag coming into the week. In a shocking turn of events, Brandon Cooks, who SFP didn’t even want to draft but did anyway, is hurt as well. We don’t call him Stupid for nothing kids. Matt is sure to start making some scummy moves soon, but luckily he has a very favorable matchup with perennial bottom-tier owner Schwed. Somehow Cren managed a decent team, and the bad news for Pedro is that Marco hasn’t had time to mangle this roster yet. Take the dog and put your 401k on Mr. DeLilli.

Next we have the most lopsided matchup of the week, which I think will be a theme throughout the year for the lucky members of the league who get to face Eric “Pookie” “Chu Bear” Lucas. This week, his lucky opponent is Patrick “Pk” “PK24 Kid” “Eyes” Kennedy. At a quick glance, something must be wrong with PK as he’s only starting two Eagles right now. I’m sure he will fix that by Sunday. Even more surprising on the homer front is Pookie only starting one Steeler (who is now questionable). I also forgot to mention that Pk is a 10 point favorite, and I don’t think that’s a big enough margin. Pk is the 2011 champion (I am sure that everyone has heard about drafting cam Newton in the 13th round, blah blah blah), and Pookie actually didn’t win a single game and got kicked out of the league at one point, but we were desperate a couple years ago and he was the only one who was willing to donate $100 to the league fund. Both are actually Mundane Randy winners as well, with PK actually winning it the year after his great draft and championship. Just take PK; there isn’t much to analyze here. Pookie couldn’t take a white guy as his first pick, so it threw his whole draft off.

Lastly we have two time league winner Vinny “ Scones” Mosconi vs Jack “Homeschool” Vandenabeele, the 2017 league champion and zero-time Mundane randy winner. This is actually the second biggest point spread with Scones being an 8.4-point favorite. I personally am still in shock over the first 4 rounds of Vinny’s draft. Not taking a TE and passing on Scones Henry threw the whole league into a tizzy. Both teams come into the matchup healthy and ready to go, but without Henry, Gronk, and Scones Parker, who will carry Vin to victory? I am very biased, but I am also worried about this matchup because Mikey Muffins, Jacobs, and Andrews all have good matchups. In Clyde, WWAD WWAD and Staffy I trust, but 8.4 is a lot to overcome. Take scones, dip them in your tea, and call it a day.

Best bet of the week:

You should probably bet against Pookie every week, especially the week his first round pick is still a backup, and his second round pick has a hamstring that is holding on for dear life (similar to the chu bear’s hairline).

Surprise bet of the week:

Throw some units towards Schwed. Like I said above, he hasn’t had a chance to screw this roster up yet, and his draft was better than most.

Good luck to everyone this year except for Scummy Stalin himself.

J.J.C