Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei
The age old question comes up in conversation just as frequently as you talk about it: “If I were an animal then what would I be?” Philosophers the likes of Aristotle (cat), Plato (turtle), and Confucius (whatever eats Aristotle) have pondered the same burning question that red faced 14-year olds, classy stoners, and mundane randys alike humor their feeble little minds with. Lets throw some gaiety at our heads folks.
The Dirty Burger – Owner: Matt
Animal: Atlantic Walrus AKA “Tooth Walking Sea Horse”
Matt’s team, The Dirty Burger, and its ties with Philadelphia Collins go hand in hand with its relation to the Atlantic Walrus. In a similar manner to these fish/slug/used condom looking mammals, Philadelphia Collins is clearly distinguished by his mustachioed face, long white tusks, and impossibly massive gut. A main component to a walrus’ diet is fish. Mackerel is a comfort food for Collins; you do the math. Unfortunately Matt’s walrus of a team is not cut out to be the ‘bull’ or alpha male walrus of the league, but rather the harem or bitch ass skank walrus. Left with just his sons and his burgers, Phil passes away in the first round of the playoffs.
Chalupa Batman – Owner: Jack
Animal: French Male Prostitute AKA “Bagman of the Baguette”
Just like a brothel of French male prostitutes, Jack’s starting lineup has a guy named Pierre in it. His father’s name is also Pierre, while Jack himself is labeled with the French denomination from time to time. However, Pierre alone does not a French male prostitute make. When in his natural habitat, the FMP makes money by blowing guys. It’s no secret Jack is gay, do the math. Despite the combination of Dobson, Dobson, and Dobson, Chalupa Batman eats a Taco and gets dysentery. Game Over.
J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! – Owner: Brent
Animal: Bactrian Camel AKA “Wednesday”
A team animal clearly sponsored by none other than Chuck Giglio and his affinity for ‘hump day” as well as the fact that Bernt has a guy on his team named Hakeem, another named Turbin, and an Oakland Raider. All these men are terrorists. Anthrax is bad, do the math.
Aaron Hernandez On Bye Week – Owner: Joe
Animal: Kodiak Brown Bear AKA “Papa Bear”
Kodiak bears are a particularly large subspecies of brown bear, living only in the harshly beautiful Alaskan coast. These monsters tend to be solitary animals until salmon season when Trent Richardson, Phil Dawson and the gang eat as much as 90 pounds of food each day. With each of these burly young men weighing up to 700 lbs each, its impossible for Joe’s team not to amass at least 21908609485709 fantasy points in the regular season caulking them to a #1 seed, do the math, only to fall in the finals. AT LEAST.
Turtle Creek Totemscrotums – Owner: Vose
Animal: Sperm AKA “Jizz”
While not technically an animal, sperm is about as close as you can get to being one without an egg. Derived from the Greek word sperma meaning “seed,” Vose’s scrotum laden squad is ready to blast off. These men hardly stick to tacklers and ejaculate points prematurely, maturely, and everything in between. Watch out for an offensive explosion when you rub up against these guys because Cecil Shorts, Dwayne Bowe, and Marshawn Lynch aren’t gonna be short on doin the math. Semen.
Say No To Drug ..Tests – Owner: Pat
Animal: Olive Baboon AKA “The Thief of the Animal Kingdom”
The reasoning behind Say No To Drug ..Tests’ animal cameo is abundantly clear when you consider who runs the team on the keyboard as well as who runs it on the field. Patrick James Kennedy and Michael Dwayne Vick are two boys who are bound to go to jail for theft on account of their stealing everyone’s heart. Year after year Pat puts together a lovable team of Vicks, Jacksons, and McCoys. We all know who to root for once our team fails to reach the playoffs and Pat’s is set to make a deep playoff run. Do the math here gentlemen and keep a close eye on your heart.
The Choom Gang – Owner: Shaun
Animal: Velociraptor AKA “CJ2K”
Chris Johnson looks exactly like a fucking raptor. Do the math.
THAT’S THE CATS ASS – Owner: Mike La.
Animal: Black Rapper AKA “Mike”
THAT’S THE CATS ASS is merely one of five whole ASS related names Mike has harpooned our eyeballs with thus far in the GFFL’s short history. Coinciding with every black rapper ever, Mike’s team names have an unheard of compatibility with all things hindquarter. Although possibly based on jealousy, other league owners have claimed Mike’s drafting technique is “based firmly on the ass” of his players. Fortunately for Mike, he drafts em real thick n’ juicy, so just do the math boys. After a stumble at the gate and a quick fall to the rear of the pack, the bountiful booty boys bounce back blastin’ bullets, baby.
Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency – Owner: Marco
Animal: Red Kangaroo AKA “Giant Mob Rats”
At birth a red kangaroo is no larger than a cherry. However, its mother can only give birth to one little freak at a time. As the marsupial is born, it climbs into its mother’s pouch in preparation to emerge 2 months later having evolved into Charizard. Like Charizard, this monster of a team is led headlong into its weekly duels by Poke Master Blair Walsh. This guy is gonna put up more points than most of your running backs gentlemen, do the math.
Weeden start The Fire – Owner: Vinny
Animal: Possum AKA “Not an Opossum”
Not to be confused with the opossum that is a native of North America, Weeden Start The Fire’s principal beast is that of the Australian possum. Vinny’s team always seems to pull a possum in the sense that you can look at his squad and think they’re dead. However, once that Sunday rolls around it’s entirely evident that each player is alive and kicking. Despite across the board talent, we all know that the possum’s end is the road. Therefore, I predict 5 losses and 8 victories for Vinny (wtf man? only 5 road games?). Do the math folks, thats an 8-5 regular season.
Tim Tebow and theBibleHuggers – Owner: Ian
Animal: 2 of Each AKA “Noah’s Ark”
Even though Tim Tebow was cut by the worst team in football, Ian still wears the ugly crown of “John 3:16” atop his 2013 team’s dome. Regrettably, as is custom for any player not good enough for even the Patriots sewn together roster, Tebow went straight to hell. The good news for Tebow is Satan happens to be a Gators fan. Do the math here mammalians, Tim Tebow is heir apparent to the number one spot in the depth chart of h-e double hockey sticks. Congrats to Tim.
Team lomanto – Owner: Mike Lo.
Animal: Rocky Mountain Big-horn Sheep AKA “St. Louis Ram”
Mike went deep into the bag of chips in this years draft to drag out four big-horned sheep, a whole herd! Fortunately for him, one of them happened to be quarterback Megan Siegle. This prolific draft is a direct result of Team lomanto’s patented Rocky Mountain Rams © attributes: keen vision, balance aiding split hooves, and large curled horns. Mike is gonna need all of these skills and more in order to march the tiny ledge towards another magical run at the GFFL finals. With four Rams? Do the math.