Metaphorical elephant in the room: The 2020 GFFL fantasy season has been more wild and unpredictable than Courtney Gardner after she funnels 2 pounds of bath salts directly into her colon.
Actual elephant in the room: Timmy Giblin. Who now sits at 8-2 in the Poyfair League after dismantling Tammy McCue like he did that Vietnamese prostitute on his last family vacation.
But enough about the mentally ill. A very wise woman once told me, “Spitters are quitters!” So swallow that load, faggots, Week 10 is in the books.
2-GAME WIN STREAK
Picture this.
You are confronted by a warm breeze as you step your bare feet onto the sandy beach. Finally, after working so hard for so long, you’ve saved enough money for your first real family vacation.
You’re not well off. Never have been. You do what you can to provide for and protect your family, and this is the first real sense of peace you’ve felt in nearly 10 years. As the kids lay out their blankets and playfully kick sand at each other’s feet, your wife looks up at you with a smile, signaling for the first time in years, “I’m proud of you.” Hard work DOES pay off. Maybe this is the start of something new.
But then, with a rum spritzer in your hand as your brood splashes in the sea close to shore, you begin to hear screams. The water turns red with blood as one by one, each member of your family is devoured by a great white shark wearing a Hitler mustache.
Then, before you can muster the energy to react with even the slightest last ditch effort to save them, the ghosts of Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer appear and take turns raping you on the beach until the sun sets and the last beam of light flickers away.
Your family is gone. You are numb. The anal abuse feels good now. You are a ghost, yourself. You were always a ghost.
Okay – stop picturing.
That’s basically what it feels like to lose to Vinny in fantasy football.
Channeling his inner Scones, Rock rolled with a RB1 who was not only inactive, but was completely released from his team soon after the game.
Vince on the other hand, got plenty of help from his All Star lineup led by Joe Burrow, Nyheim Hines, Jerry Jeudy, and Noah Fant.
Haven’t seen an overachieving lineup of disabled people quite like that since I wrote this next segment.
Back-to-back wins for the man in the Dri-FIT t-shirt and beige cargo shirts. Scones 135, Rock 126.
POYFAIR LEAGUE STANDINGS UPDATE
1. Can I Have A Quarterback? (Timmy Giblin) – 8-2
2. Burrow your Chubb in my Hines (Ricky Morgan) – 7-3
3. Calhoun’s Cowboys D/ST (Shane Calhoun) 7-3
4. (She/Her) (Sam Benton) 6-4
5. Young, Dumb, and Fulgham of Cum (Josh Young) 6-4
6. Herbert’s Perverts (Joe Poyfair) 5-5
7. The Shepard and The Lamb (Barkim Ashe) – 5-5
8. Thanks for Flying, Poyf Air (Matt Poyfair) 4-6
9. 2 Tards 1 Team (James and Will Baker) 3-7
10. Gloversville, NY Battered Women’s Shelter (Tammy McCue) 3-7
11. Krazy Kat Killer (Bill Close) – 1-9
12. Team Krajcir (Josh Krajcir) 0-10
BURKUS BONANZA
Time for the update most of you have privately messaged me about wanting.
The rumors are true. A hearty congratulations to Violet Burkus on the birth of her son, Brandon! Taxpayers, rejoice. The welfare state is secure for another generation.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking. Considering Violet is one of the most physically unappealing human beings on planet Earth, who in God’s good name would be sick enough to drop their seed into her bloated, rotten birth canal?
Here are some hints.
While now a devoted one-woman man, our mystery father has a history of polygamy.
He loves swordplay and not just of the gay cockfighting variety. He has even participated in sword fighting competitions as far away as Michigan!
Some say his biggest celebrity lookalike is the rat from the film Ratatoullie
Any guesses, folks? Ah what the hell – let’s get to the reveal.
Let’s hear from Violet on how finding love doesn’t follow any set path, but rather is a delicate journey with winding roads abound.
WRAPPING UP
Thanks for reading folks. Please, for the love of fucking god, tune in next week. In preparation for Thanksgiving, we will play a game that is truly an Anich-family Thanksgiving tradition called “Which Neo Nazi Politician Fucked the Turkey?
