Good morning.
As the sun rises on the 2020 fantasy football season, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on 2019, and to recognize the current champion of the GFFL, Pedro Degassi. Not only is he an excellent commissioner, overseeing the premier fantasy football league of Fulton County NY, but he has also established himself as the GFFL’s current best player with back-to-back trips to the finals. When you consider the fierce competition that the GFFL has to offer, with the likes of Eric Lucas and Popey Crenshaw, that’s really saying something.
Let’s move on.
First things first, I should introduce myself, since this is my first post and nobody knows who I am. My name is Carlos Commasheen. I used to be a third string RB for the Jags, but was violently raped by Nick Foles on his first day at the team facility last season. Within 10 minutes of entering the building, he had entered me, and my life was forever altered (mainly the area around my anus). The damage was too gruesome to be handled with stitches, so now I pretty much hang loosely down there and constantly shit myself. Needless to say, I’m back in diapers for the first time in three years.
With football off the table as a career, I decided to turn to one of my long-time passions: writing. At first it was tough to find a serious gig, and I bounced around covering things like fly fishing, pinochle, and NASCAR.
One night while I was having dinner with Foles (we reconciled a few minutes after the rape and remain good friends/lovers), he mentioned a potential opportunity for me. Apparently his friend and former teammate Dallas Goedert ran into famous GFFL owner Patrick Kennedy while vacationing in the Adirondacks, and somehow found himself sharing a dinner table with him that evening (According to Foles, whenever him and Goedert are watching the GFFL box scores and Pat puts up points, he screams “I WENT TO DINNER WITH THAT GUY!” How fucking annoying is that? Dallas Goedert has such a pathetic fucking life that he has to constantly remind his friends that he went to dinner with Patrick Kennedy? The guy is like the equivalent of a backup TE in the GFFL when you consider how fucking shitty and useless he is as an owner. Give me a break). After a few drinks and some laughs, Kennedy mentioned that the GFFL website was in search of writers, and Foles threw my name in the ring. Long story short, here I am. I feel blessed that I can marry my love of writing with my love of football, all thanks to my love of Nick Foles’ massive cock.
So sit back and strap one on, because I’ll be here providing my analysis and insight for the duration of the GFFL season. Let’s jump right in.
My first attempt at a weekly column (I say this because I seriously doubt I’m going to give a shit by this time next week) is going to be a breakdown of some prop bets that you should be looking into. Vegas puts out hundreds of GFFL props per week, but the few I’ve highlighted below represent an opportunity to make some serious money.
Over/Under Domestic Abuse Arrests: 3.5
When looking at potential domestic abuse cases, there are two things to consider:
- Owners with shitty teams
- Owners who will be watching football within punching distance of a significant other
While criteria 1 encompasses most of the league, criteria 2 is a shorter list. Overall there are four teams that fit both criteria: Randy, Jack, Mike, and Pat. I have no reason to believe that any of these teams will have a good week, and also have no reason to believe that any of these guys have the decency to not beat the shit out of their women when things turn sour. Give me the OVER.
Over/Under highest Week 1 waiver claim: $450.50 (BONUS PROP: Owner that makes highest claim)
Every year, someone drops some serious cash on the prime week 1 waiver target. Last year, Tractor laid claim to Scary Terry McLaurin with an appropriate bid of $420 (honorable mentions go to Nate who dropped $200 on Jordan Reed before the season even started, and Randy who wasted $358 on Danny Amendola. Great fucking insight, Randy. No, really, pat yourself on the back for that one). In 2017, Rock Anich was once again at the top, spending his entire budget on Tarik Cohen.
The line is tough on this one, but I’m going OVER. I think we’re due for a bigger bid than last year, and with the lack of preseason, I think there are some ambiguous situations around the league that week 1 will shine a light on. Players are going to emerge that we haven’t been talking about, and I think the week 1 waiver wire is going to be a bloodbath as a result.
BONUS: The obvious answer to the bonus bet is ROCK. He has a history of blowing his load immediately, and is also known to spend most of his FAAB after the first week.
Over/Under times that PK tries to defend his draft picks when they have shitty games:….
Stop right there – the line doesn’t matter. HAMMER the OVER.
“He was 4th in red zone targets last year against AFC West teams though!!”
“Do you realize how many line-adjusted rushing yards he produces?”
“He’s like top 3 in targets among TE and Eagles receivers are trash!”(Actual message received while writing this article)
“I went out to dinner with that guy, gave him a handy under the dinner table, and then I got to watch him titty-fuck my girlfriend!”
You get it.
Last player to change their team name
The obvious answer is Chester, but unfortunately this bet will not pay out, because Mike has joined Chester in the “never change my team name because I can’t think of anything new and also don’t care because I know that my best chance to win the league already came and went and I’d rather live in the past with my old shitty team name than think of something new and move forward” club. Since at least two teams will have the same name all year, this bet is technically going to expire without a “last” team to make the change. Skip this one and move on.
Will someone start a Thursday player in their FLEX slot this week?
Nobody is that retarded. Wait, hold on. It actually appears that Marco is still in the league (who the fuck knew that?), so we’re going to go with YES on this bet.
(Editor’s note: At the time of writing, the Thursday game has yet to kickoff, and Marco actually does have Will Fuller in his flex).
Non-prop bet of the week: Pat (-112.5) @ Pookie
Don’t overthink this one – when you see 112.5, you don’t bet against it. Until you finish reading the line and you realize that Vegas fucked up big time. It would take at least 200 points for me to risk my hard-earned money on Pookie. It pains me to say this, but give me Pat all day. Foles and Goedert will love this one.
That’s all for this week. To my own surprise I actually finished this article in time for Thursday Night kickoff, so I’m going to go get fucking wasted with Nick. See everyone on the other side of Week 1.
Carlos Commasheen lives at home with his partner, Nick Foles, and their two synthetic adopted children, Frank and Gus.