When league commissioner Pedró Close asked me (in Spanish) to write a weekly column, I didn’t know what he was saying because I hardly speak any Spanish.
But after using Google translate and subsequently spending the next 4 hours jerking off to Mexican transgendered pornography, I said “Yes” and began work on my first column.
This column is designed to be read during your first Tuesday bowel movement. I hope to introduce an ever-changing group of segments in an effort to critique the pure idiocy of a once-proud league (which consists of all seasons prior to the “Pat Lee Pussy Stretchers” incident).
Let’s dive in.
OPENING THOUGHTS
Week 1 arrived just in time, didn’t it? Lord knows 2020 hasn’t been easy and football has proven a welcome respite. With civil unrest tainting nearly all aspects of this country and the deaths of inspirational black figures such as Kobe Bryant, Chadwick Boseman, and John Thompson, one cant help but ask: What exactly is God’s problem with black people? I for one have a theory: he’s using the systematic elimination of blacks as punishment for our society allowing homosexuality to run rampant.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – “this escalated from fantasy football column to Klan meeting pretty quickly.”
Well, it all brings me to our first segment.
MINORITY OF THE WEEK
This week, the award goes to a ginger headed rapist who’s smirk has brought either joy or sheer terror to each of us depending on how drunk and horny he is.
Widely panned for starting two white pass catchers from his favorite dog shit team this week, there were whispers of systemic oppression coming from the Team Lomanto locker room as camp wound down.
That is until an undervalued gender-neutral black quarterback was tagged with the start and exploded to lead Chester’s squad in points. Kaepernick who? Finally with Newton we get a black QB who respects our country. Not many of them left and Chester should be glad to own one at a cheap cost.
The end result: Thanksgiving came early for the better of two Mike’s as Mr. Ass was thoroughly stuffed and basted like a turkey. What an absolute mess for Dottie to clean up. Good thing she’s retired.
Quoted after the Patriots game went final, Chester exclaimed, “that gay colored fella can really play!”
One minority supporting another. Maybe God isn’t a virulent racist after all. That type of racial camaraderie will earn you this week’s award.
SCONES AND COFFEE
We all know Vinny doesn’t draft tight ends like he used to. Life, by definition, is full of ebbs and flows. It would be foolish to expect a man with the fantasy ingenuity of Scones to let us thrust him into a box year after year.
That being said, this weeks Scones Memorial Trophy for most points by a starting tight end goes to…Scones.
Turns out you can take the tight end out of the man, but you can’t dislodge the man from the slippery, dripping wet tight end. Mark Andrews came through with 22.8 points to spearhead a winning effort in Week 1.
And is it any surprise Vinny actually rostered 2 of the top 3 scoring tight ends this week? After a 19+ point outing on MNF, Noah Fant is spurring more questions than answers for Team Scones. Will Vinny return to his roots and roll out a 2 tight end set in Week 2? The anticipation brings back shades of 12/30/06, a day we all remember as the day Saddam Hussein was hung in front of a crowd on global television.
The world is watching, Scones.
WEEK 1 POTPOURRI
Sam Darnold looks perpetually sick. At least Jay Cutler had diabetes as an excuse. I think Sam Darnold might just have a really shitty immune system.
Kyler Murray looks like the mutant offspring of Jimmy Butler and a retarded dwarf.
Adam Gase will be the first coach fired this year, but he will still be hired for 3 more HC jobs before a black guy is hired once.
Is anyone a more obvious candidate for having a scat fetish than Odell Beckham Jr.?
By which week will the Eagles fire Doug Pederson and bring back Chip Kelly?
Kliff Kingsbury will not be fired but he should be for being too hot. It’s only a matter of time before a sexually repressed Cardinals lineman makes him their girlfriend.
Nathan Peterman will have a better fantasy year than Derek Carr.
Jimmy G looks like he should be way better than he is in the same way Brad Keselowski looks like he should be way shittier than he is.
With all this chatter about the Washington Football team, it’s really the Detroit Lions franchise that should be permanently disbanded.
The Giants have a notable slew of receivers with numbers in the 80s that all look and play exactly the same.
If you were stuck in an elevator with Russell Wilson and Rainn Wilson but only had one bullet, who would you shoot?
A NOTE ON TEAM NAMES
Some of you dumb motherfuckers need to get to work on changing your team names ASAP including: 8 ball, Scones, Ass, and Captain Tittybang. How about we put in a teensy weensy bit of effort here, guys.
Alright folks, that’s it for me. Back next week with 2 new segments: OJ Simpson Dumb Cuck of the Week and a Mount Rushmore of the Gayest Mascots. Until then.