At approximately 6:40 PM on Monday November 9th, an act of terror so heinous it’s almost beyond comprehension was committed in the Hamlet of Meco, NY. If you haven’t already heard, Meco resident Conrad Chapin had his Trump campaign sign stolen from his front lawn by what appears to be multiple perpetrators.
Hey gang, Harry HorseCock here, and in an attempt to find the truth in the web of lies that is the Chapin case, I’ll be dedicating my column in Week 10 to detail my investigation for you. Let’s break this down:
According to his post, the sign was stolen at approximately 6:40 PM Monday night. This leaves an extremely small window of opportunity for potential thieves to commit the crime, and luckily allowed me to eliminate some potential suspects from my investigation and narrow my list down to three key suspects:
1 – Barack Obama
The most obvious and easily most corrupt suspect on the list, Obama is at the heart of every conservative and republican’s problems. Affordable healthcare? Obama. 9/11? Obama. Severe mental development issues for offspring of incest? Obama. Conrad’s Trump sign…? Although many believe he was responsible, no evidence has been released that actually links Obama to the sign, Chapin, or Meco at all. However, Chapin has continuously claimed that “the evidence against Barack is mounting and will be released soon, and there will be A LOT of it!” I guess we’ll see.
2 – Wayne Root
While Conrad was painting a picture of a campaign sign that was stolen by Obama and the Dems, investigators turned their attention to another potential suspect: Wayne Root. Root is the inspirational, mentally disabled conservative author whose new book, Trump Rules, hits shelves today and is expected to hit trash cans by tomorrow. Truly an inspiration, Root is currently the third most successful mentally disabled conservative author in all of November.
The theory with Root is not one of intentional sabotage, but rather an honest mistake. On his way home from Sylvan Learning Center, Root got lost and ended up in Meco. Coincidentally, the only thing he recognized was the Trump campaign sign on Conrad’s lawn. Mistaking Conrad’s sign for his own, Root pulled his bicycle over, slapped the kickstand down by hand, left his helmet on the handlebar, walked over to the sign, rolled it up, and shoved it in his ass. Although that is only a theory, the fact that Root hasn’t been seen or heard from since the incident raises suspicions that he may have somehow been involved.
3 – Conrad Chapin
Now hear me out here gang…The first thing we notice about his profile is that Conrad studied Sociology at SUNY Schenectady County Community College. Yeah, then he and Sally sold seashells down by the seashore before catching crawfish in the Cayadutta. Unfortunately, my investigation ultimately led to the discovery that Conrad was lying about studying sociology at SUNY SCCC, and actually just visited the campus for a tour on one occasion in 2012. Claims that this lie was deliberately intended to mislead investigators are being disputed by Chapin’s legal team.
The second thing we notice is that Conrad currently lives in the hamlet of Meco, NY. During my investigation, I could prove this claim to be neither true nor false. A closer look at his profile photo shows a family wearing traditional Meco wedding garments in a wooded area assumed to be Meco, however the actual location of the photo is unable to be determined. Unable to prove otherwise, we can accept Chapin’s claim that he currently lives in Meco to be true.
The third thing we notice is that Conrad is originally from Jacksonville, North Carolina. That’s where he lived with the snufelufagus before graduating high school and moving to New York to obtain his sociology degree from SUNY SCCC. Unfortunately gang, my investigation into Conrad’s origins proved this claim to be a lie as well, as multiple yearbooks obtained from Gloversville High School in upstate New York link him to the Empire State as early as 2005.
As Conrad’s credibility diminished, more and more questions started to be asked. Why would a supposed sociology expert living in Meco, a small hamlet in upstate NY where houses are a minimum of 2 miles apart by town law, feel the need to install security cameras outside of his house? Why was the sign still on display after Election Day, and why does he want it back so badly now, when any ballots it may inspire neighbors to cast would be illegal? Who would steal the sign? Things just weren’t adding up with Chapin’s story. And that’s when the most damning evidence of all was finally released.
Finally, after being relentlessly badgered by the public to release the “mounting evidence against Barack”, Conrad did just that. In a short video we aren’t able to release due to ongoing legal investigations, an unidentified garbage man (whom Chapin claims is Barrack Obama) can be clearly seen taking the sign, along with other valuables, from Chapin’s front lawn. But upon further inspection of the video, I noticed there was a very brief moment where the suspect seemed to look up. And that’s when I cracked the case.
It seems Conrad was lying to investigators the entire time. Not only was he a garbage man and not the NYU sociology professor he claimed to be, he was also the person responsible for the stolen campaign sign. Apparently due to unfavorable results in the election, Chapin decided to stage the theft of the sign in an attempt to undermine the Democrat’s credibility in the public’s mind in regard to the results.
The Bottom Line – As much as I’d like to blame the fuckin’ Dems for the theft of Conrad’s sign, the evidence just doesn’t back it up. If I were to report otherwise, well, I’d just be driving a wedge even further between an already divided nation. Not to mention the fact that the readers would forever question not only my integrity, but also the integrity of the GFFL and journalism as a whole forever. News outlets have a major responsibility to report the facts without distorting information to sway public perception for their own agendas. It’s either that or continue to drive the wedge between the American people until they’re on the verge of civil war. Instead of getting American’s riled up over accusations that have no evidence to back them up, news outlets need to report the facts, even if doing so means waving the white flag on their own agenda. Because at the end of the day, it’s the news outlets that hold the real power when it comes to uniting and changing America for the better. Whether you voted red or blue or anything else, you voted, and that’s what a democracy is all about. For any news outlet, or person for that matter, to attempt to subvert that democracy by intentionally relaying misleading information would be an act of terror against the United States the likes of which have never been (and hopefully never will be) seen. But that about does it gang. The shrooms are wearing off so I gotta get to Oregon. Ciao for now.