Originally published by Philadelphia Collins
Week 2 Expert Picks
Before we hear what our resident experts have to say this week, let’s take a look at last week’s results:
Philadelphia C.: 3-3
Longwei: 3-3*
Shitty Bill: 2-4
Kaunandodo: 2-4
*Longwei’s accurate prediction of 46 fantasy points for Peyton Manning has launched an investigation into the validity of his “predictions.”
On to week 2:
J-Roc ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent) (0-1) @ The Dirty Burger (Matt) (1-0)
Philadelphia C.: MATT
Matt is rolling pretty high right now, and the opposite can be said for Brent. Easiest pick of the week.
Shitty Bill: MATT
Matt is rolling pretty high right now, and I’m pretty high right now too. Matt in a tight one. And after him and Brent are done with that, Matt wins this matchup.
Kaunandodo: MATT
Brent’s ingenius pickup of Julian Edelman will make all the difference in this one. And by that I mean it will make absolutely no difference as he fails to reach the 70-point threshold. Go Matt!
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: MATT
+/- 25 David Wilson fumbles. Old man Coughlin barely makes it through this one.
Dwite Schrute: BRENT
Although David Wilson will fumble in all of his first 3 carries and sit for the remainder of the game, reading “Ball Carrying For Dummies,” Brent’s roster will somehow glue together enough points this week to defeat Matt. It won’t be pretty, but neither will Brent’s season.
Team lomanto (Chester) (1-0) @ Turtle Creek Totemscrotums (Vose) (0-1)
Philadelphia C.: CHESTER
I’ve gotta stick with the hot hand here; one of Chester’s players will find a way to score 40+ again. On the other side of the ball, Vose’s guys are facing a lot of tough match-ups.
Shitty Bill: VOSE
I predict a big game from Marshawn Lynch at home on SNF. Peyton Manning’s utter destruction of the Giants secondary will make it close, but no cigar for the redhead whose name coach couldn’t remember.
Kaunandodo: VOSE
I will never pick against myself. Shame on you Philly Collins.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: VOSE
Waiting for Chester to prove me wrong here.
Dwight Schrute: VOSE
Unfortunately for Team Lomanto fans, this team’s miraculous Week 1 was simply a fluke. My heart goes out to Michael on this one; he saw a glimpse of shimmering light last week, but will get snapped back to reality in this contest. Maybe if he had any creative ability, he could change his team name given by default and not draft a team full of Rams every year.
Weeden start The fire (Vinny) (1-0) @ The Choom Gang (Shaun) (0-1)
Philadelphia C.: SHAUN
Only 50% of Americans trust Barack Obama. I have full trust in his dope-smoking gang.
Shitty Bill: SHAUN
So much weed in one matchup. The veteran upends the rookie, in more ways than one.
Kaunandodo: VINNY
I have to catch up in the expert pick standings somehow.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: SHAUN
Shaun has gone 0-0 since Derek Jeter was sat down for the year. I don’t see that trend continuing as he blows by Vinny.
Dwight Schrute: VINNY
“Weeden Start the Fire” wins in a landslide victory. Andrew Luck and Reggie Wayne will hook up, not only for gay butt sex, but also for a combined 50 fantasy points. RG3 will still labor that knee that has seen more oral sex than the field this preseason, and will settle with -2 points.
Dirty Randy’s Bullcock (Jack) (0-1) @ Cowboys and Redmans (Joe) (1-0)
Philadelphia C.: JOE
You’re going to notice one aspect of consistency in my picks this season: I will never pick Jack.
Shitty Bill: JOE
Joe’s team is the perfect mix of young and old. The artist formerly known as Rams Johnson in LittleBrownHole is no longer flying under the radar.
Kaunandodo: JOE
Once the name changed, the game changed…Joe wins it 185-33.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: JOE
Still projected to win by ESPN despite a couple players being sold short. Joe channels his ancestors for a big win.
Dwight Schrute: JOE
The story is simple here folks. Although Joe is starting Boldin this week against the Seahawks defense in self-hatred for not doing so last week, he will still beat “The Big Gay Red Dragon.” How? It’s easy! He dug deep into his Indian bag of tricks and pulled out a fat one. This week the face of his team will be his great-great-great granduncle “Mean Cow”. Good to see some culture in the league.
Geno Smith the Miracle Maker (Ian) (0-1) @ Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat) (0-1)
Philadelphia C.: PAT
With the QB controversy in full-swing, this is my coin flip of the week.
Shitty Bill: PAT
BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK: Daryl Richardson and Matt Ryan fall in love during pre-game warmups and skip the game to get married in Vermont, only to be gunned down in a double murder-suicide by jealous lover Roddy White. Pat takes full advantage despite losing Austin Collie this week.
Kaunandodo: IAN
Shitty Bill called the MJD/Cecil Shorts incident last week so I’d be foolish to dismiss his Matt Ryan/Daryl Richardson prediction. Ian still wins via tiebreaker.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: PAT
In baseball the catcher is the first one who notices when the pitcher is jerking it. In fantasy football everyone notices when you’re jerking it. Pat sits Vick and plays Rodgers in a stroke of genius.
Dwight Schrute: PAT
We all doubted him in Week 1 when he sat his first round pick, but somehow he proved us all wrong. His incredible speculation of Chip Kelly’s offense, combined with his above-average dick size, makes for a solid fantasy contender this year. He wins this week by 27 fantasy points.
Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco) (1-0) @ THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike) (1-0)
Philadelphia C.: MIKE
ASS is sweeping the nation, folks.
Shitty Bill: MIKE
ASS
Kaunandodo: MIKE
Men want to be him and some even want to be with him…There’s no stopping the Ass Man.
Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: MARCO
Looks like the consesus pick is Marco. I can’t say I agree but who am I to buck a trend?
Dwight Schrute: MARCO
Given the individual matchups, Marco should coast easily into a 2-0 start. I regret turning my back on ASS in this one, but this is easy. BOLD PREDICTION: Wes Welker puts up 32 points this week against a shaky Giants secondary, and Matt Bryant kicks a 78 yarder to win the game for Atlanta. Despite the miraculous leg strength, Mike will fall to Marco 98-97