# posts

date: 2013-12-17T15:30:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: BREAKING NEWS
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Twenty-five seconds after the Baltimore Ravens’ win over the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, Calvin Johnson was found naked, whipped, and strung up on a street sign at the north end of Mack Avenue in midtown Detroit.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joseph La Porta, 22, of Gloversville, NY was arrested after being spotted by Stuart Scott’s good eye jumping into a getaway car driven by six Nigerian refugees and one scrawny white lunatic. La Porta was in possession of a whip, some string, a taser, and four double-barreled shotguns when he was arrested. The scrawny white lunatic, Tom Plumadore, was in possession of five large katanas.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">La Porta spoke only in Etruscan, an ancient Italian language active from 700 BC to 50 AD, upon being read his rights.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“We couldn’t find anyone within 7,000 miles to translate what the [expletive] he was saying,” said Detroit police captain Eminem. “From the toxicology reports it appears that Mr. Johnson was force fed multiple uppers, a couple downers, and an exceptional amount of blue and yellow purple pills before being slain.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">La Porta’s motive is unknown but it has been reported that he originally lost his fantasy football matchup by one point and may have acted irrationally in response. He&nbsp;was extradited to his home country of Australia where he hopped away in a kangaroos pouch after finding out he won his matchup on the strength of a stat correction.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Am pava lautni husiur papals Aesar,” said La Porta as he escaped. “Thamna tul Velcitna teta clan sec prumao.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We have used rapid age progression technology to generate a composite of what La Porta may now look like since he was last seen violating that kangaroo 20 minutes ago.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image is-style-default"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/miller-lite-ken-jeong-commercial.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/12/miller-lite-ken-jeong-commercial.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="miller-lite-ken-jeong-commercial" class="wp-image-583" /></a><figcaption>Age-progressed image of La Porta</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Anyone with information leading to the capture of Joseph La Porta is urged to call Marshawn Lynch, who has taken over the investigation after walking into Detroit’s 12th precinct and saying so.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">A press conference has been scheduled for three years from now after all the press conferences for all the other dead black guys in Detroit are caught up on.</p>



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  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Twenty-five seconds after the Baltimore Ravens’ win over the Detroit Lions on Monday night football, Calvin Johnson was found naked, whipped, and strung up on a street sign at the north end of Mack Avenue in midtown Detroit. Joseph La Porta, 22, of Gloversville, NY was arrested after being spotted [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2013-12-13T15:44:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Playoffs?!?!?!
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The playoffs are finally here.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Alright, I guess they started last week, but this week is the first round that really matters. Now that we’ve eliminated the teams that don’t belong (Sorry Matt and Jack, you pussies), we’re left with the real cream of the GFFL’s crop.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In two pathetic first round matchups, Brent and Marco’s well-endowed teams made their opponents look like a couple of pre-teen girls. Since both Matt and Jack&nbsp;<em>are</em>&nbsp;pre-teen girls, it really wasn’t that difficult.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Now that we’ve separated the publicly educated from the home schooled, we have a couple of enticing showdowns on the schedule for this week. I’m Philadelphia Collins, and this is your Dirty-Burger Breakdown:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>#1 Turtle Creek TotemScrotums vs. #5 J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY!</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Brent is rolling high (and is probably rolling and high) after a dominating, &nbsp;brutal (yet consensual) rape of his first round opponent.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Vose is also feeling pretty good right now after a refreshing, marijuana-filled bye week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I smoked a lot of dope,” said Vose, when asked about his bye-week routine.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Not only did the TotemScrotums smooth-talking head coach earn a bye week, but he also locked up the number-one seed, which means one important thing: home-field advantage.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I’ve seen my fair share of murder,” said one TotemScrotums fan, when asked about the brutal conditions at Turtle Creek’s home field. “I mean like real murder. Like the fans will kill you if you’re on the other team. This is not a metaphor.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It’s no secret that Turtle Creek is far and away the toughest place for opposing teams to play. Many players wont even show up to the games, due to the brutal home crowd.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Usually if I don’t feel like getting murdered that day I just wont show up,” said one anonymous McCoy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Despite the undeniable home-field advantage, I expect Brent’s team to show up in full force. I know J-Roc’s crew will be hyped up, and with Josh McCown making the transition from starting QB to fluffer/head cheerleader, the boys will only be that much more excited.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>My pick: Brent 124-101</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Just kidding. I don’t care how much Brent’s team “shows up to play,” or “has their work cut out for them,” or “wants revenge,” or any other stupid sports cliche. Nobody is coming out of Turtle Creek alive. The rest of the league is lucky that the Super Bowl is at a neutral site (still to be determined).</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">My real pick: Turtle Creek wins 142-110</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>#2 The Bill Crosby Show vs. #3 Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the less-interesting match-up this weekend, Joe’s team will finally be put to it’s long-awaited test. From lucky-70-points-a-week-undefeated-team to steamrolling the league and leading in points, it’s been a roller-coaster season for the son of Mike.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">On the other side of the ball, Marco ‘s team is coming off of a hard-fought, ugly win against one of the worst teams in the league.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“It’s really tough to beat a team as good as Jack’s,” said Marco after the game. I can only imagine how tough it must have been. Do you realize how difficult it must be to outscore a team that puts up 71 points? Do you know what it takes to accomplish such a feat? 72 points. It’s a task so difficult, that most competent (and incompetent) human beings could probably accomplish it without even trying. Even Ian and Pat’s teams scored more than 71 measly points. Clearly, the K-W Talent agency has earned it’s spot here in the semi-finals. Well done, boys.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">After putting up&nbsp;<em>such</em>&nbsp;a strong, convincing effort last week, the wattsmen must be downright exhausted. I bet they wish they saved some of those 83 (wow!!!!!!!!!!!!) points for this week’s game against the well-rested Bill Crosby show. Despite finishing in a strong second place, Joe’s squad has been the most bi-polar in the entire league.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The question we must ask this week is simple: Which one of Joe’s teams is going to show up? The one that scores 140 points and wins? Or the one that only scores 72 points… and wins? If my logic is correct, both of those outcomes are a win for Joe. You can’t argue with logic. &nbsp;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>My pick: Joe 72-72* Joe advances on higher-seed tiebreaker&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Be sure to tune in next week for the Dirty Burger Breakdown: Sloppy Super Bowl edition.</p>



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  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The playoffs are finally here. Alright, I guess they started last week, but this week is the first round that really matters. Now that we’ve eliminated the teams that don’t belong (Sorry Matt and Jack, you pussies), we’re left with the real cream of the GFFL’s crop. In two pathetic [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-12-10T16:00:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: BREAKING NEWS
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shortly after Jack’s admission, Matt Close released a profanity-laced tirade against several league members following his elimination from the playoffs.</p>



  <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-style-default is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p>“I would have beat anyone else in the league except for Brent. This is so fucking retarded, dude. No like seriously do you know how many times this happens to me? People like Joe start off 9-0 or 10-0 whatever the fuck he did, scoring like 70 fucking points each week and me I get 127 in the biggest game of the year and Brent puts up 152? No like seriously I know it’s just a game but it’s almost like God just loves to fuck me when it comes to performing in the post-season. Lubes me up and gets me with the long dick of the holy fucking spirit. Well you know what if you see Brent tell him I said ‘fuck you.’ Where does this guy get off starting a tight end in his fucking flex spot? And Josh McCown at quarterback leads the entire NFL in fantasy scoring? I’m just gonna kill you all in fantasy baseball so fuck you guys anyway.”</p></blockquote>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Shortly after Jack’s admission, Matt Close released a profanity-laced tirade against several league members following his elimination from the playoffs. “I would have beat anyone else in the league except for Brent. This is so fucking retarded, dude. No like seriously do you know how many times this happens to [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-12-10T15:50:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: BREAKING NEWS
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Following Chicago’s 45-28 victory over the Dallas Cowboys Monday, Jack Banana Peel was eliminated from the GFFL fantasy playoffs. Shortly after, he released this statement:</p>



  <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p>“Now that the season is over for me I can disclose the secret to my late run at the playoffs. After a horrible 1-4 start I realized that I, as an owner, was not preparing well enough each week due to an overwhelmingly egregious addiction to masturbation. I am embarrassed to say that it affected my performance in ways that only an addict can understand. I noticed that my incessant whacking off was usually done almost subconsciously to vague, blurry images of men, women and animals on the screen of my Macbook Pro. Before week 6 I decided to make some changes. Using the willpower and patience preached to me during my playing days at MVCA, I conditioned myself to use masturbation solely as a reward following good fantasy performances. I also made Pierre Garcon the only mental recipient of my sexual release. It is my belief that the spiritual and raw sexual energy created during these post-game masturbatory binges manifested themselves more and more each passing week within Pierre Garcon and, thereby, my entire roster. Unfortunately, on the eve of week 14, my penis was ripped off by a bear that escaped from a local zoo. Good luck to the remaining four owners.”</p></blockquote>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Following Chicago’s 45-28 victory over the Dallas Cowboys Monday, Jack Banana Peel was eliminated from the GFFL fantasy playoffs. Shortly after, he released this statement: “Now that the season is over for me I can disclose the secret to my late run at the playoffs. After a horrible 1-4 start [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-11-23T15:55:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: A Pictorial View of the Week 12 Standings
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">1. Know-gay-no Moreno (Joe)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/black-white-photography-happy.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/black-white-photography-happy.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="Black-White-Photography-Happy" class="wp-image-533" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe has had a very steady season and finds himself in first place entering Week 12. Joe, a&nbsp;wily old GFFL veteran,&nbsp;will lull you in with that gentle smile and then steal your lunch money and blame it on his dementia.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2. Turtle Creek Totem Scrotums (Vose)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/a5f1b_orig-woman_big_balls.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/a5f1b_orig-woman_big_balls.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="a5f1b_ORIG-woman_big_balls" class="wp-image-538" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">No one’s balls have shown larger in 2013 than those of a noted perennial loser with balls right in his team name. This squad is led by Marshawn Lynch and Tony Romo, two men combining for four unquestionably large testicles.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">3. Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/abbyandbrittany.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/abbyandbrittany.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="abbyandbrittany" class="wp-image-539" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Two twins have worked in almost robotic synchronistic fashion in tearing through the GFFL competition.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">4. J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/jesus-christ-ressurected-255.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/jesus-christ-ressurected-255.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="jesus-christ-ressurected-255" class="wp-image-540" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">After a 151-78 thrashing at the hands of Chester in Week 1, everyone was saying, “put a nail in him, he’s done.” Like Jesus Christ, however, Brent has resurrected his season. Also like Jesus Christ, expect him to go away soon and not come back for a really, really long time.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">5. The Dirty Burger (Matt)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/leprechaun3.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/leprechaun3.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="leprechaun3" class="wp-image-541" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt sits 1 game clear of the 5-6 logjam. He can attribute that to winning the closest matchup of the season 78 (47) – 78 (46) against Shaun in Week 6.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">6. Weeden start The fire (Vinny)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/fat-chick.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/fat-chick.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="fat-chick" class="wp-image-544" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Vinny’s season has been a lot like having sex with a 400-pound woman: satisfying to a degree but the memory isn’t necessarily a keeper.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">7. Team lomanto (Chester)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/barack-obama-03.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/barack-obama-03.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="barack-obama-03" class="wp-image-547" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Chester came in with a bang and has since suffered terrible mediocrity.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">8. Peace Randy (Jack)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/drill.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/drill.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="Drill" class="wp-image-548" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Like a retard operating a power tool, Jack simply hasn’t able to get the hang of fantasy football in 2013.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">9. THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/domestic-violence-007.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/domestic-violence-007.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="Domestic-violence-007" class="wp-image-542" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike is in the hunt but a 5-6 record through 11 weeks can’t be what Mike had on his mind coming in. Watch out Dottie, these could be a rough couple of weeks ahead.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">10. Geno Smith the TurnoverMachine (Ian)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/6a00d8341c763f53ef01538fc50d2c970b-500wi.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/6a00d8341c763f53ef01538fc50d2c970b-500wi.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="6a00d8341c763f53ef01538fc50d2c970b-500wi" class="wp-image-549" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Like a happy baby sitting in a pile of his own shit, Ian should be content with yet another horrible season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">11. The Cellar Dwellers (Shaun)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/ethiopia6.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/ethiopia6.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="ethiopia6" class="wp-image-552" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Like an Ethiopian child receiving money from an anonymous figure in the United States, Shaun’s team had so much hope. Then the money stopped coming.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">12. Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat)</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/buchenwald51.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/11/buchenwald51.jpg?w=300&amp;h=300" alt="buchenwald51" class="wp-image-551" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Pat’s season has been the worst thing to ever happen, ever.</p>



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  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill 1. Know-gay-no Moreno (Joe) Joe has had a very steady season and finds himself in first place entering Week 12. Joe, a&nbsp;wily old GFFL veteran,&nbsp;will lull you in with that gentle smile and then steal your lunch money and blame it on his dementia. 2. Turtle Creek Totem Scrotums (Vose) [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2013-11-23T14:58:00-05:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Trade Rape
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally posted by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It’s good to be back.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Few things have filled my life with arousal the way the GFFL has. Unfortunately, my recent pregnancy has kept me away from the keyboard for the past couple of months. It’s been a long, rewarding journey giving birth to a baby walrus, but now I’m back for the best part of the fantasy football season–the playoff push.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Things are a little different since the last time I’ve been around these waters. Teams have changed. Countless players have been added, dropped, and traded, while even more players have gotten hurt, and some have even had to seek psychiatric treatment after ending up on Jack’s team.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">All of the above will continue to go on, with the exception of one: the trade. With the trade deadline passing this week, I thought now would be a great time to do a recap of all of the trades that we’ve seen go down in the GFFL this year. Warning: this article contains rape.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>September 12</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ANIC traded&nbsp;<strong>Bryce Brown</strong>, Phi RB to JMV<br>ANIC traded&nbsp;<strong>Kenbrell Thompkins</strong>, NE WR to JMV<br>JMV traded&nbsp;<strong>DeAngelo Williams</strong>, Car RB to ANIC<br>JMV traded&nbsp;<strong>Josh Gordon</strong>, Cle WR to ANIC</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The first trade of the season was quite the doozey. This was one of those classic four-player trades where the two best players in the trade are going to the same team. I mean, I know that I would jump at the chance to trade away a starting RB and one of the best young receivers in the game for the almighty Kenbrell Thompkins and a backup.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Alright, maybe the trade wasn’t as bad as it looks. Numbers never lie, so let’s take a look at how the trade has played out. Here’s how each of the players in the trade have done since week 2, when it went down.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shaun</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Josh Gordon: 99 points (including his week 2 suspension)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">DeAngelo Williams: 78 points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Jack</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kenbrell Thompkins: 56 (34 of which came in weeks 3 and 4)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bryce Brown: 17</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It’s safe to say that this trade was fueled by Jack’s Patriots-boner. In an attempt to make sense of this one, I interviewed one of the GMs involved:</p>



  <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p>I mean obviously Jack was getting really fucked in that trade so, like, obviously why the fuck wouldn’t I do the trade? You know what I mean? – Shaun, GM of the Cellar Dwellers</p></blockquote>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That pretty much sums it up.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: Rape</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>September 19</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">watt traded&nbsp;<strong>Jermichael Finley*</strong>, GB TE to Pat<br>Pat traded&nbsp;<strong>Torrey Smith</strong>, Bal WR to watt</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This trade wasn’t all that bad when it happened–Pat got a TE with a ton of upside, and Marco got a WR with a ton of upside. What’s not to like?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Well, when we factor in Pat’s terrible luck, Jermichael Finley has since suffered a career-ending injury. Thanks a lot, Pat. He’s a human just like you and I, with feelings and a family. No need to end his career.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown (Since trade)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Torrey Smith: 76 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Jerminchael Finley: 23 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: Sex with a pre-op transvestite.</em>&nbsp;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>October 17</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Pat traded&nbsp;<strong>James Jones</strong>, GB WR to MATT<br>MATT traded&nbsp;<strong>Willis McGahee</strong>, Cle RB to Pat</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Another appearance on the list for last place Pat. There isn’t much analysis I can do about this one, I’ll just say that one of the players above is available right now in free agency.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In fairness to Pat, Jones hasn’t done much either. Matt hasn’t even started him once. At least he isn’t Willis McGahee, though.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown – Since trade</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">James Jones: 10 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Willis McGahee: 9 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: Teabagging</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>October 22</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">watt traded&nbsp;<strong>Torrey Smith</strong>, Bal WR to JOE<br>JOE traded&nbsp;<strong>DeMarco Murray</strong>, Dal RB to watt</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Murray has questionable health, and a questionable personality at best, but he’s a startable RB. Torrey is also a decent WR, but he has Mean Joe Flacco throwing him the ball. Seriously, Joe Flacco is an asshole. Did you know he beats his kids? Joe Flacco beats children. He also gives blowjobs to children. Joe Flacco is a rapist and a murderer. He also abuses small dogs for pleasure. Joe Flacco is also really bad at football, whenever he isn’t busy planning 9/11.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This trade doesn’t make much sense to me. Joe has probably the best WR core in the league, with Megatron, VJAX, and Antonio Brown, but lacks depth at RB. I guess if you don’t have enough RBs, it makes sense to trade one away.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown – Since Trade</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Torrey Smith: 17 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">DeMarco Murray: 18 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: C+</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>October 31</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">JMV traded&nbsp;<strong>Percy Harvin</strong>, Sea WR to ANIC<br>ANIC traded&nbsp;<strong>Jason Witten</strong>, Dal TE to JMV</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Ah, redemption. Jack came to terms with the disturbing rape he suffered early on, and confronted the man who robbed him of his innocence. Jack traded someone who hadn’t played a single game all year for a top 5 tight end, shocking the fantasy football world. Cherish it for now, Jack. Once a rape victim, always a rape victim.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown – Since Trade</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Percy Harvin: 1 Point</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Jason Witten: 18 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade Rating: Unintentional blumpkin</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>November 14</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">MATT traded&nbsp;<strong>Ben Tate</strong>, Hou RB to ANIC<br>ANIC traded&nbsp;<strong>Alshon Jeffery</strong>, Chi WR to MATT</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Here we have the most balanced trade of the year in the GFFL. Matt, in desperate need of a WR, shipped off an excess RB to Shaun, who happened to need one. Each team filled a position, and got a talented player in the process. This trade will prove to be the most even and well-rounded trade in the league this year, until Ben Tate gets hurt next week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown – Since Trade</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Alshon Jeffery – 9 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Ben Tate – 10 Points</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: Mutual masturbation</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>November 16</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ANIC traded&nbsp;<strong>C.J. Spiller</strong>, Buf RB to watt<br>watt traded&nbsp;<strong>Harry Douglas</strong>, Atl WR to ANIC</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shaun clearly needed to take huge chance on something to have any hopes of making the playoffs, and that man was Harry Douglas. At 6’0” and 183 lbs, and with a smile that could melt the polar ice caps, Harry is quite the physical specimen. I commend Shaun for cutting his losses with CJ Spiller, and realizing that his playoff dream was all but lost. If you’re not going to make the playoffs, might as well trade for some nice masturbation material, and Harry fits the bill perfectly.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Breakdown – Since Trade:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">CJ Spiller: 1</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Harry Douglas: 7</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Trade rating: Harry Douglas&nbsp;</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As you can see, trading was pretty weak this season. Step it up, GFFL. Joe Flacco films and distributes child pornography.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally posted by Philadelphia Collins It’s good to be back. Few things have filled my life with arousal the way the GFFL has. Unfortunately, my recent pregnancy has kept me away from the keyboard for the past couple of months. It’s been a long, rewarding journey giving birth to a baby walrus, but now I’m [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-10-16T16:00:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Potpourri with Shitty Bill
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Marijuana legalization in a few select states has tourists preparing to travel en masse to sample fully legal pot, a truly exciting prospect long overdue in this great nation.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">For athletes playing in Washington or Colorado, the assured access to high-grade marijuana has surely been both mentally and physically relieving. Here is a short list of athletes who are most likely high at this very moment.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Peyton Manning [Denver Broncos]</strong>&nbsp;– Peyton Manning is a genius. He knew his time was up in Indianapolis and he could pretty much choose his destination. There are two reasons that Manning would willingly choose to play in the shitty conditions Denver has to offer: His love of pretty scenery and his love of marijuana. At this stage of his career, Manning is content with performing under the influence and making the best of the outcome. Bong rips in the mountains keep his mind relaxed on off days.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/316556_137116463104251_1263804806_n.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/316556_137116463104251_1263804806_n.jpg?w=300&amp;h=220" alt="316556_137116463104251_1263804806_n" class="wp-image-521" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Javale McGee [Denver Nuggets]</strong>&nbsp;– That infamous Wizards locker room gun fight between real-life murderer Javaris Crittenton and Gilbert Arenas started over a weed deal involving Javale McGee. Also, just look at Javale McGee.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/javale-mcgee-1.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/javale-mcgee-1.jpg?w=300&amp;h=225" alt="javale-mcgee-1" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Charlie Furbush [Seattle Mariners]</strong>&nbsp;– Furbush, a lefty specialist for a miserable franchise, has by far the easiest job in baseball. Furbush smokes high grade MMJ, watches baseball, and gets the surreal experience of pitching high twice a week if he’s lucky. The entire process is almost comical to Furbush, who still can’t understand how he makes $504,000/year.<a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/charliefurbushchicagocubsvseattlemarinersdywqk29lip3l.jpg"></a></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph" id="caption-attachment-520">Furbush [left] is obviously enjoying this more than anyone else.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Pablo Sandoval/Tim Lincecum [San Francisco Giants]</strong>&nbsp;– Tim Lincecum is a known pot head, and we can only assume hasn’t been very stingy with his stash; Pablo Sandoval obviously has the munchies.<a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/timlincecumpablosandovalmiamimarlinswmxmb5vueezl.jpg"></a></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph" id="caption-attachment-518">Tim Lincecum showing Pablo Sandoval some realllll dank bud.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Marshawn Lynch [Seattle Seahawks] – T</strong>ake one look at Marshawn Lynch and it is easy to see the man is high. It doesn’t matter when or where you see him, his eyes are glazed over and he speaks with the eloquence of the mentally retarded. Being traded from Buffalo to Seattle was undoubtedly the greatest moment of Marshawn’s life. Take a look at this video and try telling me Marshawn didn’t indulge in a pre-game preseason doobie.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed-youtube aligncenter wp-block-embed is-type-rich wp-embed-aspect-16-9 wp-has-aspect-ratio"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <span class="embed-youtube" style="text-align:center; display: block;"><iframe loading="lazy" class="youtube-player" width="640" height="360" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/xzGC5i_xWlI?version=3&#038;rel=1&#038;fs=1&#038;autohide=2&#038;showsearch=0&#038;showinfo=1&#038;iv_load_policy=1&#038;wmode=transparent&#038;hl=en" allowfullscreen="true" style="border:0;" sandbox="allow-scripts allow-same-origin allow-popups allow-presentation allow-popups-to-escape-sandbox"></iframe></span>
  </div></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Marijuana legalization in a few select states has tourists preparing to travel en masse to sample fully legal pot, a truly exciting prospect long overdue in this great nation. For athletes playing in Washington or Colorado, the assured access to high-grade marijuana has surely been both mentally and physically relieving. [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-10-04T16:03:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: BREAKING NEWS
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">A gruesome story out of Galway, New York this afternoon, as well-respected area outdoorsman and high school chemistry teacher Jeff Gardiner was arrested and charged with first degree murder.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kate Brown, a colleague of Gardiner, was found slain in a room described as her “man cave” on the second floor of her Galway home after not showing up to Gloversville High School where she works alongside Gardiner in the science department.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Galway Village Police Department held a press conference at 11:00 this morning claiming the murder may have been fantasy football-related.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Mr. Gardiner was overheard screaming at Mrs. Brown by neighbors early this morning 15 minutes before the two disappeared into the home,” said police Captain Leonard Martin Sr. “He was extremely upset about a trade with Mrs. Brown involving Fred Jackson.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">From what police could gather in the earliest stages of investigation, Gardiner felt as if Brown had duped him in a trade that sent Bills running back Fred Jackson to Brown and Texans wide receiver Keshawn Martin to Gardiner. Gardiner was heard explaining that the trade should be nullified, as he had accidentally confused Keshawn Martin with Keyshawn Johnson.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/20054_253809868973_2258669_n.jpg" alt="" width="453" height="340" /><figcaption>Gardiner (left) and Brown (right) on amicable terms during a hiking trip in December, 2009.</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/20054_253809868973_2258669_n.jpg"></a>Brown’s throat was slashed with a broken graduated cylinder. Sexual frustration is also believed to be a contributing factor in the murder, as Brown was covered head to toe in molasses and coated in semen.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Oh, they was fu**ing,” said Gloversville High School principal Dr. Richard DeMallie. “I caught them once in my office, mmm. It was so neat.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Gardiner was apprehended at Gloversville High School after being tased by a rookie police officer by accident.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“He was going peacefully,” said officer Richard Morgan. “That one was my bad.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Brown’s loved ones are asking for any and all donations to be made to the Barbara Susi Breast Augmentation Fund, a foundation of which Brown served as chairman.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill A gruesome story out of Galway, New York this afternoon, as well-respected area outdoorsman and high school chemistry teacher Jeff Gardiner was arrested and charged with first degree murder. Kate Brown, a colleague of Gardiner, was found slain in a room described as her “man cave” on the second floor [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-24T16:07:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: BREAKING NEWS
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">GREG BLOWERS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Associated Press</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With the culmination of the third week of NFL play comes a disturbing case of sex abuse out of Philadelphia.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Following the Philadelphia Eagles 26-16 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, several members of the team decided to clear their heads with a road trip to the foothills of the Adirondack Mountains.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I really like the foliage; the energizing scent of autumn reminds me of my nana’s pumpkin pies and freshly tapped maple syrup,” said wide receiver Jason Avant.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Michael Vick, Jason Peters, and Riley Cooper accompanied Avant. DeSean Jackson narrowly avoided tragedy when he decided to stay home and bake cookies with a 12-year-old boy he woke up next to that morning.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">After enjoying a four day, three night stay in a log cabin near Northville, New York, the players departed for Philadelphia, stopping once at a Cumberland Farms convenience store &nbsp;in Gloversville, NY for gas. This is where an unidentified assailant was spotted leaving a local pizzeria and hopping in the trunk of Vick’s Prius. After arriving at Vick’s loft in western Philadelphia, the concealed man held the four Eagles at gunpoint, ordering them all to masturbate on command.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“It was horrible,” said Peters. “He told us to jerk off and when we didn’t do it vigorously enough he put his gun to our head and gave us a hand.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While three of the players were too shaken to remember most of the minute details, Riley Cooper was able to share some vital information with the PPD.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I had been in this situation once before so I wasn’t nervous at all,” said Cooper. “This [redacted] kept rambling on about how disappointed he was with the Eagles offense. He also kept harping on the fact that we were somehow responsible for his 0-3 start in his fantasy football league.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">After six hours of various sexual tortures at gunpoint, including sewing Avant’s mouth to Peters’ ass, the man busted an impressive nut and jumped out of the window. Avant was unsewn moments before leaving.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I’m so glad he took my mouth off Jason’s asshole,” said Avant. “You have to give him credit for that. That was getting really annoying.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">According to Peters, one member of the Eagles actually ejaculated midway through the ordeal.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Vick thought no one saw it but I was staring right at him when it happened,” said Peters.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Is Peters saying I came?” said Vick. “I probably did, honestly. It was a very stressful few hours.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Cooper described the perpetrator as caucasian and wearing a long white t-shirt underneath another t-shirt.&nbsp;If anyone has any information that could lead to the apprehension of this suspect, please contact the Philadelphia Police Department Tips Hotline at 215-686-7819.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Greg Blowers is a general assignment writer for the Philadelphia Inquirer </em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally posted by Shitty Bill</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>GREG BLOWERS The Associated Press With the culmination of the third week of NFL play comes a disturbing case of sex abuse out of Philadelphia. Following the Philadelphia Eagles 26-16 loss to the Kansas City Chiefs on Thursday Night Football, several members of the team decided to clear their heads with a road trip to [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-18T16:11:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Beyond the Numbers with Shitty Bill – WEEK 2
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">(This week we will look at five numbers that impact the top 5 teams in the standings to this point in the season)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1</strong><strong>&nbsp;–&nbsp;</strong>The number of 2-0 starts Marco has gotten off to, including this season, in his GFFL career.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Marco’s a loser. His regular season struggles are well documented, as he boasts the largest losing percentage in GFFL history. Could 2013 be the year it all changes? Marco is off to his best start ever after feasting on ASS in week 2. I caution you, however, as the last GFFL member to feast on ass, Eric “steel curtain” Lucas, contracted hepatitis C and tragically passed away due to anilingual-related liver complications.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>84&nbsp;</strong>– The average number of points put up by Cowboys and Redmans (2-0) in weeks 1 and 2.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This statistic proves that the Indianapolis Colts aren’t the only ones with luck on their side. Joe’s 84-point average is 2<sup>nd</sup>&nbsp;worst in the GFFL. 7/11 teams would have beaten Joe in week 1, while a remarkable 10/11 teams would have beaten him in week 2. Factor in that Joe is up against a league-low 75 points per week, and we can expect Joe to fade faster than Anne Frank’s hope when she was transferred to Bergen-Belsen.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>248</strong>&nbsp;– The number of points “The Choom Gang” has put up through 2 weeks, the highest in the GFFL.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It’s no surprise that Shaun and The Choom Gang are the highest scoring team in the league. His three starting wide receivers averaged 22 points apiece last week, something that will have to continue in week 3 if he plans on edging Team lomanto, a team funded by a ruthless Columbian crime syndicate. The secret to this veteran’s success? 6 hits of jenkem before each draft and a hummer from Wal-Mart’s Darlene while setting his roster each week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>24</strong>&nbsp;– Difference in fantasy points from week 1 to week 2 for Team lomanto’s A.J. Green.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Could it be that Adriel Jeremiah was simply intimidated by the 30-foot ball sack-shaped totem poles placed strategically at various points in the middle of Vose’s home field? Shitty Bill say nay. Green will periodically have these types of games solely due to the color of the hair of the person throwing him the ball.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>4</strong>&nbsp;– The total number of points scored by the Pittsburgh Steelers D/ST so far this season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike should feel good about his current 5<sup>th</sup> place spot in the standings, but he certainly shouldn’t be thanking the aforementioned steel curtain. This defense ranks 32/32 in fantasy points this season. Mike has been all about defense ever since he got the shit kicked out of him for sporting a pink fanny pack on his first day at Compton High School in September, 1969. 44 years and 8 racially motivated homicides later, the Anal Ambassador needs to focus less on quarterly reports at the water department and more on fortifying a D/ST in decline.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally posted by Shitty Bill</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. (This week we will look at five numbers that impact the top 5 teams in the standings to this point in the season) 1&nbsp;–&nbsp;The number of 2-0 starts Marco has gotten off to, including this season, in his GFFL [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-18T15:15:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: The Aftermath
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <h1 class="wp-block-heading">The Aftermath</h1>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As Week 2 concludes in utter dismay, Dwight Shrute is on the scene to deliver a new weekly segment entitled “<em>The Aftermath.</em>“ Just the beginning of a miraculous form of journalism that will dive deep inside the rectum of&nbsp;the competition over the long, long weekend. It will soon be a piece consistently sprinkled with poor fantasy substitutions, unfortunate circumstances/injuries, and of course, biased attacks on people simply in the line of fire. Let us look into the&nbsp;<em>Aftermath&nbsp;</em>of Week 2..</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>IAN (Away) Vs. PAT (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Although Pat put up solid numbers that would have beaten nearly half of the league this week (5 of 11), it wasn’t enough to beat a mediocre team put forth by Ian. Dez Bryant put up 20 points this week, even though (given video evidence) most of those points shouldn’t have been there. Andy Reid’s conservative look on the little red flag in his pocket is the very reason that Pat lost this week. The exchange of points from that questionable call made the difference in this match-up.&nbsp; In fact, a poll given to all 32 head coaches shows an overwhelming majority of them throwing the challenge flag (31 of 32) *. Who was the odd man out? You guessed it!! It was Andy Reid, a FORMER Eagle that seemingly sought vengeance on his former team by screwing Pat (an Eagle fan) out of a must needed win.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>*Virtual poll based on head-coaching 101</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>BRENT (Away) Vs. MATT (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With Eddie Lacey and Steven Jackson both suffering sideline-worthy injuries early in their games, you would think that even the worst of the worst would have a blowout win with such an advantage.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Leave it up to Brent to make this match-up as close as the love between scumbags on a hot summer night without a thought of a shower for the past 3 months. With a very shaky QB stance in a NFL full of fantasy quarterbacks, one would think that Brent is clearly on track to hoist that Mundane Randy Trophy at the end of the year. Although I was right, I was naive to choose Brent in my Week 2 prediction, as his team squeaked past a bruised lineup by a hair. I’ve learned from my mistake, and hopefully Brent learns fantasy football very, very soon.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>JACK (Away) Vs. JOE (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe crawls slowly to 2-0 as Jack falls miserably to an opposite 0-2 start. I don’t even know where to begin on this one. It’s easier to analyze when you compare it to a foot race between Hellen Keller and Stephen Hawking.&nbsp;Joe (Hellen Keller)&nbsp; was at least “running” in this race, maybe in the wrong direction, or maybe straight into traffic, but moving nonetheless. On the other hand,&nbsp;Jack (Stephen Hawking) knew where he wanted to go, but simply didn’t have the leg strength to get there.&nbsp;Both of them contributed to the most embarrassing battle of the week. Congrats.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>EDIT:&nbsp;</strong>I was right in my pre-week predictions that Boldin would be an absolute bust.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>CHESTER (Away) Vs. VOSE (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Upon first glance of this match-up you would think that Chester would get annihilated… and you were right. Like I stated, Chester’s team was granted a miracle in Week 1, but just like the “Make a Wish Foundation,” Chester was granted his one wish just before his miserable path to sure death. A big game from Marshawn Lynch put Chester back into his rightful place in this league: the back of the bus.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>VINNY (Away) Vs. SHAUN (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The lineup that Vinny threw to the wolves this week didn’t deserve it; they simply bent over willingly for an intense ass-rape that I personally haven’t seen since the Duke Lacrosse era. Shaun’s receivers broke for 490 yards and 3 TD’s this week while only 2 of his 9 starters put up less than double-digits (12). It’s clear to see that Vinny blew (drew) the short dick (stick) this week, but as the fantasy veterans that we are, we understand it’s bound to happen. Will he bounce back from a mouthful of cum to a satisfied erection? Tune in for Week 3.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>MARCO (Away) Vs. MIKE L. (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the life of a fantasy owner, it’s easier to be blown out than to lose by such a small margin. Speaking from experience, no ASS likes a mediocre pounding. With a “tight” loss to Marco, our eldest of team owners was left begging for more this week. Both teams had players that flipped 180 degrees from week one, while both also had players that fell back down to Earth. This just goes to show that fantasy football is as predictable as Miley Cyrus’s dark future: You have an idea of what could happen, but at the end of the week, you could be the one grabbing dick on a stage of your peers.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally posted by Dwite Schrute</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>The Aftermath As Week 2 concludes in utter dismay, Dwight Shrute is on the scene to deliver a new weekly segment entitled “The Aftermath.“ Just the beginning of a miraculous form of journalism that will dive deep inside the rectum of&nbsp;the competition over the long, long weekend. It will soon be a piece consistently sprinkled [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-10-04T14:17:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Copyright Issues?
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/screen-shot-2013-10-03-at-9-26-55-pm.png"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/screen-shot-2013-10-03-at-9-26-55-pm.png?w=300&amp;h=211" alt="Lawyer needed" class="wp-image-497" /></a></figure></div>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph" id="caption-attachment-497">Where’s BenJarvus Green-Ellis? We need a lawyer here, folks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Where’s BenJarvus Green-Ellis? We need a lawyer here, folks.</p>


date: 2013-09-27T16:19:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: The Aftermath
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Dwite Schrute</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Its clear that last week’s pilot article left readers begging for more to come, such like Brent does when starring down the barrel of an erected penis. So due to public request, Dwite Schrute is back this week to deliver&nbsp;<em>The Aftermath&nbsp;</em>of Week 3. ( A little late but as a wise man once said, “Better late than gay.”)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Pat (Away) Vs. Jack (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Its officially been proven that Jack V. is indeed homosexual. This past week’s rape of an innocent man is clear proof that Jack has been hiding in a dark closet since birth. Jermichael Finley’s debut with Pat’s squad was as big a bust as the entire Giants offense this year. An injury early in the contest, combined with a lack of production of Pat’s receiver core, left him bent over the table of fantasy football with his pants around his ankles. Jack knows when to take full advantage of a desperate man in this position, and he did it flawlessly.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Matt (Away) Vs. Joe (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When you think of fantasy football, the first thing that comes to everyone’s mind is kickers. Surprisingly the two kickers in this match-up had little-to-no effect on the outcome of this one (Combining for a total of 1 point). Here’s the real story: Only 2 of Matt’s players scored in the double digits this week, while Joe had 3 players to do so. ( The remaining offense scored 25-24 respectively, becoming a non-factor).&nbsp; Matt still put up a solid fight with an injury-filled lineup which shows how fluky Joe’s record truly is. A win like this for Joe is like a pair of lopsided breasts, they may feel good in the darkness of night, but in the light of day, you realize that you can only put up with them for so long.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Vose (Away) Vs. Brent (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We all thought that Brent could not possibly be any worse at managing a fantasy football team, but this week, he put forth his best effort to prove us all wrong. He dug deep into his mindless bag of tricks and stumbled upon an old tactic used senselessly by a Mr. Michael Michelle Lomanto: He started a Ram’s QB. Not only did his original starting QB (Russel Wilson) score 12 more than a last second pickup, he also started Hakeem Nicks who put up a whopping 0 fantasy points. Vose did not win this battle. Brent seemingly found the worst possible combination of players on his team to beat himself. This presents another aspect to the world of fantasy sports: You don’t always need the best players, or the best squad, you just have to pray that your opposing fantasy owner has an IQ lower than the average brick. Vose’s prayers were granted this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shaun (Away) Vs. Chester (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shaun’s team had the classic case of “whiskey dick” this week. He has an offense that can be rather explosive at times, but failed to ejaculate this week as he goes 1-2 on the season. Expect that from Shaun a lot this year. At times we will see a whale’s cum-load of points sprayed across the scoreboard. Unfortunately we will also see the equivalence of Micheal J Fox attempting to color within the lines. A “Shaky” team will doom Shaun in hopes for a playoff run.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mike (Away) Vs. Ian (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">An average performance by the infamous “Ass Man” led to a victory over Ian “The Gay Guy” Gillis this week. It seems that Ian laid more eggs than Mother Goose at a fuck farm. In Ian’s defense, starting an inactive Vernon Davis was most likely the result of oversleeping.&nbsp; Sometimes its not easy for an alcoholic to wake up in time to set the lineup on Sunday. Davis’s game was at a very early 4:25 PM, so its not hard to blame this awful lack of consciousness on the “al-al-al-al-alchohol”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">EDIT: It appears my sarcasm was mislead. Ian didn’t have a backup TE for his injured Vernon Davis. Not quite sure which call here is worse.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Marco (Away) Vs. Vinny (Home)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Marco goes a solid 3-0 this week with his intensive ass rape of Vinny. As for Vinny this week, he can find solace in the fact that his kicker was his leading scorer. Not too often can you say that your kicker scored more than 5 of your players combined (nor do you want to). Regardless of Vinny’s utter collapse in Week 3, I don’t believe it made any difference. Marco has a consistent scoring attack with the most Points Forced so far (319). His WORST game (88) would have beaten 16 of 33 other teams scores this season. If you see Marco on your schedule, don’t hesitate to lubricate your ass in precaution.&nbsp; It’s clear that The Agency is the team to beat this year.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Dwite Schrute Its clear that last week’s pilot article left readers begging for more to come, such like Brent does when starring down the barrel of an erected penis. So due to public request, Dwite Schrute is back this week to deliver&nbsp;The Aftermath&nbsp;of Week 3. ( A little late but as a [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-25T16:26:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Pondering Indian Take 2: Fantasy Scoring and Predictions
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by The Pondering Indian</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Average points per fantasy team has dropped steadily with each successive week:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 1: 102.58</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 2: 91.75</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 3: 80.92</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Interestingly enough, this was the highest scoring weeks in the 2013 NFL season&nbsp;(touch under 47 ppg). So what’s the deal? Bad fantasy management? The curious case of AJ Green/Peyton Manning Week 1? Injuries of week 3? The answer, well that’s up to you.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Some food for thought: The records of the ESPN projected ‘favorites’ heading into each matchup through 18 matchups? 9-9. Of those 9, only 4 covered the ‘spread’.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">To state it bluntly, fantasy projections are about as important as Tom Brady’s 40-yard dash time.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by The Pondering Indian Average points per fantasy team has dropped steadily with each successive week: Week 1: 102.58 Week 2: 91.75 Week 3: 80.92 Interestingly enough, this was the highest scoring weeks in the 2013 NFL season&nbsp;(touch under 47 ppg). So what’s the deal? Bad fantasy management? The curious case of AJ [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-19T16:28:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Week 3 Expert Picks
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The GFFL experts are back again to pick Week 3’s winners. Let’s take a look at the season standings (Last week’s record in parenthesis):</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">1) Longwei: 7-5 (4-2)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2) Shitty Bill: 5-7 (3-3)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2) Kaunandodo: 5-7 (3-3)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2) Philadelphia C.: 5-7 (2-4)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">5) Dwight Schrute: 4-2 (4-2)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">6)&nbsp;Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt<strong>¹&nbsp;</strong>0-0 (0-0)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">On to the picks:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Dirty Burger (Matt) (1-1) @ Cowboys and Redmans (Joe) (2-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;</strong><strong>Matt</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt has averaged 100 points per contest so far, while Joe has only averaged 84. Matt wins this one, 100-84.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Joe</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt’s opponents have averaged a tick over 90 points per contest so far, while Joe’s opponents have only averaged 75. Joe wins this one, 90-75.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Joe</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This match-up all comes down to Bilal Powell. If he suits up, Joe wins it; if not he’s deader than the Saddam Hussein-era Iraqi men’s national team after a poor performance. If you ask me, Bilal’s a go and so is Joe.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Joe</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Marco’s team has averaged 100.5 ppc thus far. Thats pretty good.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹ : Joe</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Look at the facts. Joes undefeated and what do ya know , Matts injury prone team is injured. Look for Calvin Johnson to have a monster day and Matts team of geezers to check in to the retirement home soon.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat) (0-2) @ Dirty Randys Bullcock (Jack) (0-2)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.: Jack</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the battle for 0-3, I’m picking Jack to get the win, only because Pat starting 0-3 would make for a great story line on the blog.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Pat</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’ve picked Pat every week and an 0-2 start does not scare me away from picking him against the lowest scoring team in the league. I have concerns about losing Christine Michael, but the future is still limitless for this upstart.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Pat</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’m basing this one on the lack of grammar in Jack’s team name. Who does that Bullcock belong to? Surely someone ignorant enough to omit an apostrophe can’t beat the ever-popular Pat Kennedy in any sort of contest.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Pat</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Depending on who orders Digiorno and who orders the Joint will make all the difference in this one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹: Pat</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I would absolutely love noting more than to pick Pat to go 0-3… but somehow Jack managed to draft a team that looks like it belongs to a 22 owner fantasy &nbsp;league, and I’m not sure if they even make those.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike) (1-1) @ Geno Smith the Miracle Maker (Ian) (1-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.: Mike</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike is going to win this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Ian</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK: Tom Brady’s pre-game ritual of eating 10 pot brownies goes awry when he realizes the brownies have been laced with PCP by a playful Edwin Encarnacion. Ian kick’s the ass of the ass as a result of the laced grass.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Ian</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">What Shitty said.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Mike</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’ve gotta go with the ASS man here and no I’m not talking about Cosmo Kramer. Mike won’t be stopping short of 100 points on this weeks scoreboard.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹: Mike</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">What Kaunandodo said, but due to personal experience I see PCP having very positive effects on Tom Brady. &nbsp;Mike in a blowout.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Turtle Creek Totemscrotums (Vose) (1-1) @ J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent) (1-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;Vose</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">&nbsp;It’s gon’ rain.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Brent</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Two tight ends in his week 2 starting lineup? Brent obviously has balls the likes of which we can’t even comprehend. Vose feels the sheer weight of those balls in this matchup (and probably later on in the BBH).</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Vose</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’ll let the players do the talking.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Brent</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Its getting cold up in Dartmouth, Nova Scotia this time of year, the scrotum shrivels up in such a climate.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹: Brent</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This is Brents first home game where the 10th man really comes into play. Along with the #1 ranked RB and TE in the league, he can let Voses players do the talking.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Choom Gang (Shaun) (1-1) @ Team lomanto (Chester) (1-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.: Chester</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Among the patriotic anthems sung during the American Revolutionary War, only&nbsp;<em>Yankee Doodle</em>&nbsp;was more popular than William Billings’s&nbsp;<strong><em>Chester.</em></strong>&nbsp;Billings wrote the first version of the song for his 1770 songbook&nbsp;<em>The New England Psalm Singer,</em>&nbsp;and made improvements for the version in his&nbsp;<em>The Singing Master’s Assistant&nbsp;</em>(1778). It is the latter version that is best known today.&nbsp;<em>(<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chester_(song)">Wikipedia</a>)</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Shaun</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Betting against The Choom Gang would demonstrate that you have an IQ in the mid-60’s.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Shaun</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I seriously doubt that a Columbian drug cartel is providing any sort of support for Chester’s team. That being said, I agree with Marco that a lack of quality running backs will be his undoing.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Shaun</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Poor running back play dooms the Coumbian backed squad.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹: Chester</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I said it once and ill say it again, Chester has the best team in the whole league. But this one may be tighter than the spread.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco) (2-0) @ Weeden start The fire (Vinny) (1-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.: Vinny</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">There will be no more undefeated teams after this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill: Vinny</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Reggie wants relish on his pancakes but how many times does Joique have to tell him not on game day? The ensuing scuffle leads to Marco crashing back to Earth this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;Vinny</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Thursday game has already started and I gotta get this article posted before my editor rips my asshole open Cecil-Shorts style. For that reason, I’m blindly picking Vinny</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei: Marco</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">David Cone once said: “Today baseball is currently enjoying a run of more than 14 years without interruption, a record that would have been inconceivable in the 1990s.” Inconceivable for early teams run by Marco, 14 more wins without interruption are now graspable.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹: Marco</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Never bet against an undefeated team, the real #1 Power Ranked team is 2-0 for a reason.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The GFFL experts are back again to pick Week 3’s winners. Let’s take a look at the season standings (Last week’s record in parenthesis): 1) Longwei: 7-5 (4-2) 2) Shitty Bill: 5-7 (3-3) 2) Kaunandodo: 5-7 (3-3) 2) Philadelphia C.: 5-7 (2-4) 5) Dwight Schrute: 4-2 (4-2) 6)&nbsp;Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹&nbsp;0-0 [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-18T22:29:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Must Win?
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by The Pondering Indian</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 1 of the Pondering Indian:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It looks like the matchup of 0-2 Pat and 0-2 Jack seems to be critical for their playoff endeavors. According to a recent article, only 3% of fantasy football owners went on to to make the playoffs after starting 0-3 in their respective head-to-head leagues last year. Interestingly enough, Vose started 0-3 in our league last year, only to fall to the dreaded consolation ladder. Moreover, Matt also fell short in his playoff push, starting 0-2. Their records at the end of the regular season?: Matt 4-9, Vose 5-8. This is by no means a total write off, as there is plenty of fantasy football to be played, but a daunting task awaits the one less fortunate come Sunday into Monday.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><a href="http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/eye-on-football/23681375/you-dont-want-to-be-0-2-in-your-fantasy-football-league">http://www.cbssports.com/nfl/eye-on-football/23681375/you-dont-want-to-be-0-2-in-your-fantasy-football-league</a></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">‘Using data mined from the deepest abyss of our Apple IIGS-powered<br>databases, we learn that a smidge over 10 percent of teams that started 0-2 in<br>head-to-head leagues during 2012 made the playoffs.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">On the flip side, for all you fortunate, nay, skilled, players who have gone 2-0 so far, your<br>playoff chances are a robust 40 percent.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">So if you’re worried that your 0-2 fantasy team is in trouble, well, it is. Just don’t go 0-3, for only 3 percent of playoff teams started off with such an ineptitude.’</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">So, do you stand by this ideology of a must win? Or are percentages just percentages? Let your voice be heard in this week’s poll. I’ll be running out a hot button topic to debate each week concerning the NFL, our league, or anything in between. Stay tuned for more of The Pondering Indian.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by The Pondering Indian Week 1 of the Pondering Indian: It looks like the matchup of 0-2 Pat and 0-2 Jack seems to be critical for their playoff endeavors. According to a recent article, only 3% of fantasy football owners went on to to make the playoffs after starting 0-3 in their respective head-to-head leagues last [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-18T13:32:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: A Day in the Life of Joique Bell
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We tend to put the lives of pro athletes on a pedestal. However, after contacting Detroit Lions RB rising star Joique Bell, a quick glimpse into his existence provided a new portrait of the life led by large African-American men.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Reggie Bush wakes me up crying again. This time his tooth hurts. Try to get some sleep before Jim Schwartz’s daily update on the night’s Harbaugh stakeout.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6:20 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Schwartz calls later than usual. Claims he got out of his car and confronted Harbaugh last night demanding a handshake, Harbaugh refused. Schwartz still sounds drunk.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6:30 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Decide to let Reggie sleep in, he needs it. Brush teeth while peeing on #35 Buffalo Bills jersey. Laugh.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6:39-6:50 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Watch video of myself jacking off/up a streaker in Cleveland again. Shoot first load of day.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6:51 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Cook up some oats, add relish. Reggie loves relish.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Clean house while oats cook. Vacuum, put away dishes, let Ndamukong out. Ndamukong takes large poop and tries to personally foul it.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7:10 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Take oats off heat. Fix two bowls for me and Reg.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7:15 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Wake up Reggie with a kiss on the forehead. Reggie opens eyes complaining of concussion like symptoms.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7:30 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Solid meal of oats and relish. Reggie watches cartoons on the couch while I lay out his clothes for the day: rocket ship shirt, yoga pants, wool socks, tophat.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Call up Wayne State University staff directory, ask for Coach Paul Winters. Put phone on speaker, hop in shower. Have long intimate conversation. Second load of day. Go Warriors.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Get Reggie up off the couch finally. He wants chocolate milk and relish. I make him some.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9:10 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Get Reggie dressed. Today is David Akers 71st birthday. Ask David if its ok to bring Ndamokung to his birthday bash. David says no.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>10:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Go to Wal-Mart with Reggie to pick out David’s gift. Reggie is distracted by women’s swimwear section. We finally get to children’s toys and decide on a new bike for Reggie. Get David a bird feeder.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>11:00 AM:</strong>&nbsp;Get back home to wrap present/give Reggie quick lesson on new bike. Reggie signs card `#yolo.’ Reggie falls off bike, hurts inner anus again. Schwartz drives by seeing Reggie on bike, scolds me.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>12:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Party time! Take Reggie’s jet down to David’s home in Florida. “When the Saints Come Marching In” plays in the limo that picks us up. Reggie begins shaking profusely, I calm him down in my arms. Need to pick up PTSD prescription.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1:45 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Thankfully make it to Davids, Reggie was getting fidgety. Trouble getting out of limo because Reggie won’t put on tophat. Threaten to take away his Lincoln Logs, he complies.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Walk into David Akers’ home to find he and Jeff Feagles sharing large plate of pasta. Ask where everyone else is. David doesn’t know who I am nor that its his birthday. Loves the bird feeder.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2:45 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Play chicken against David and Jeff. Lose. Reggie doesn’t get hurt.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3:30 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Jeff pops in LotR while I put Reggie down for nap.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Wake up Reg, leave David’s. Stop at Wendy’s for a salad. Tony Scheffler working in Florida Wendy’s. I think Tony spit in my salad, I eat it anyway. Me and Tony are tight.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5:45 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Board plane bound for Detroit.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Land in Detroit. Drive home.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Call Schwartz, no answer. Leave message telling him Reggie is ok.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8:03 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Walk into home and am immediately taken out at knees by Ndamokung. There is poop literally everywhere including on Ndamokung. Hose off Ndamokung, clean up feces in living room. Catch Reggie in the kitchen getting into relish jar.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9:30 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Get Reggie in PJs. Read him bedtime story “Vince Young’s Career.” Reggie goes to sleep with smile on face.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>10:00 PM:</strong>&nbsp;Finally alone time. Watch comedic stylings of Gallagher transitioning into third load of day. Finish diary entry, turn out light. Thank God for this lifestyle.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter"><a href="http://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/lions11.jpg"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/lions11.jpg?w=426" alt="Image" /></a><figcaption>(Action shot of Bell “tackling” a naked man)</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei We tend to put the lives of pro athletes on a pedestal. However, after contacting Detroit Lions RB rising star Joique Bell, a quick glimpse into his existence provided a new portrait of the life led by large African-American men. 3:00 AM:&nbsp;Reggie Bush wakes me up crying again. This [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2013-09-17T16:34:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Power Rankings: Week 3
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Here are the 12 teams of the GFFL, ranked from first to worst.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1) Matt:</strong>&nbsp;You’ll notice I haven’t included team records in this weeks rankings because they are, quite frankly, irrelevant. This isn’t the league standings page, this is the power rankings. Matt may have lost in a very unfortunate week, but he has the best team and that’s a fact. I would not feel comfortable putting anyone else in the top spot, plain and simple.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Rest of season prediction: 11-0, championship victory</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2) Jack:&nbsp;</strong>Jack has spent a lot of time at the bottom of the rankings so I’m going to give him a week at the top, just so he can experience what it’s like. After scoring 71 points this week, expect Jack to return to the bottom very soon.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 3-8, miss playoffs</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3)&nbsp;</strong><strong>Mike:&nbsp;</strong>Mike lost a close one this week after getting a good shafting from Tom Brady. That’s not a bad thing, though; who wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of an old fashioned Brady shafting? Mike may have a loss on his record, but his team is still strong and I expect big things going forward.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 9-2, loss in championship</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>4) Pat:</strong>&nbsp;Pat’s team hasn’t worked out well on the field so far, but he gets my high ranking for being such a great owner. The Mike Vick experiment clearly worked, and now there are trade talks surfacing that would vault Pat’s GM status to ‘legendary.’ Let’s just hope that the league’s substance abuse committee stays far away from these guys; they can only say no to drug tests for so long. In other words, these guys are cheating and taking steroids.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 6-5, playoff wild card</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5) Shaun:&nbsp;</strong>The Choom Gang put up 141 points this week, so I have to give them some love. Shaun’s 67 point victory would make him an early favorite for the Aaron Hernandez award, but Chester still holds that honor with a 73-point victory last week. Shaun’s RBs need to show some more production before this team is a serious contender.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 7-4, playoff berth</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6) Vose:&nbsp;</strong>It was a rebound week for the Totemscrotums. Turtle Creek has been long regarded as one of the toughest places to play in sports, and the ‘sacks fans lived up to that billing this week. In all honesty, lackluster performances across the board were bailed out by the Marshawn Lynch 30-point fecal festival on Sunday night. &nbsp;The scrotums need to solidify their RB core in order to keep on winning.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 7-4, playoff berth</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7) Ian:</strong>&nbsp;With Tebow finally out and Geno Smith in, there has been a new sense of motivation and determination around this team. Ian was able to somehow squeak out a win this week, but in my opinion, it was total bullshit. Dez Bryant shouldn’t have scored 20 points. Andy Reid’s failure to throw a challenge flag led to Dez getting about 13 more points than he should have gotten. Yeah, I’m bitter about this but whatever, fuck the Cowboys, they lost anyway. Dez, if you’re reading this (I know you are), then fuck you. And fuck your family.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 5-6, wild card contender</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8) Marco:&nbsp;</strong>Despite somehow pulling out a win, these guys didn’t really have a standout performer. I wouldn’t expect any agency run by the Krajcir-Watts brothers to have any serious talent anyway, so the barely-average performance was expected. Look for these guys to fizzle away quietly.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 4-7, miss playoffs</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9) Vinny:</strong>&nbsp;It was a real tough outing for Vinny’s squad this week, as he didn’t have a single TD outside of his QB. The real issue was on the other side of the ball, though–Vinny’s defense was decimated for a league-high 141 points by The Choom Gang. There’s definitely some offensive talent on this roster, but fantasy football is a two-sided game, and defense wins championships. Vinny is now second in the league in points allowed; the defense must play better if this team expects to win games.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 5-6, wild card contender</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>T-12) Brent:&nbsp;</strong>We have a three-way tie for last place this week, with a ton of mediocrity at the bottom of the GFFL. Brent’s team was the beneficiary of a fluke win against a much better team, and if they played 99 more times, Brent would almost certainly go 0-99. Unfortunately, strange things happen sometimes, and Brent collected what could be his last win of the season. The Pryor/Wilson QB platoon isn’t gonna cut it.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 1-10, Mundane Randy contender</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>T-12) Joe:&nbsp;</strong>After somehow pulling out a win while scoring a mere 73 points, Joe sits atop the standings while having the second lowest total points scored in the whole league. This team is in for a serious rude awakening next week against the number one team on this list. RIP Cowboys and Redmans.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 2-9, miss playoffs</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>T-12) Chester:</strong>&nbsp;Team lomanto takes a pretty serious drop in the standings this week after turning in a pathetic performance. His offensive production dropped by an astounding 58 points, leaving everyone wondering, “what happened?” &nbsp;I’ll tell you what happened–this team just isn’t that good. I don’t understand how I ever put them in first place.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ROS Prediction: 1-10, Mundane Randy contender</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Here are the 12 teams of the GFFL, ranked from first to worst. 1) Matt:&nbsp;You’ll notice I haven’t included team records in this weeks rankings because they are, quite frankly, irrelevant. This isn’t the league standings page, this is the power rankings. Matt may have lost in a very unfortunate [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-12T16:35:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Week 2 Expert Picks
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <h1 class="wp-block-heading">Week 2 Expert&nbsp;Picks</h1>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Before we hear what our resident experts have to say this week, let’s take a look at last week’s results:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Philadelphia C.: 3-3</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Longwei: 3-3*</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shitty Bill: 2-4</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kaunandodo: 2-4</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">*Longwei’s accurate prediction of 46 fantasy points for Peyton Manning has launched an investigation into the validity of his “predictions.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">On to week 2:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>J-Roc ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent) (0-1) @ The Dirty Burger (Matt) (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt is rolling pretty high right now, and the opposite can be said for Brent. Easiest pick of the week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt is rolling pretty high right now, and I’m pretty high right now too. Matt in a tight one. And after him and Brent are done with that, Matt wins this matchup.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Brent’s ingenius pickup of Julian Edelman will make all the difference in this one. And by that I mean it will make absolutely no difference as he fails to reach the 70-point threshold. Go Matt!</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei</strong>:&nbsp;<strong>MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">+/- 25 David Wilson fumbles. Old man Coughlin barely makes it through this one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwite Schrute:&nbsp;BRENT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Although David Wilson will fumble in all of his first 3 carries and sit for the remainder of the game, reading “Ball Carrying For Dummies,” Brent’s roster will somehow glue together enough points this week to defeat Matt. It won’t be pretty, but neither will Brent’s season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Team lomanto (Chester) (1-0) @ Turtle Creek Totemscrotums (Vose) (0-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;CHESTER</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’ve gotta stick with the hot hand here; one of Chester’s players will find a way to score 40+ again. On the other side of the ball, Vose’s guys are facing a lot of tough match-ups.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I predict a big game from Marshawn Lynch at home on SNF. Peyton Manning’s utter destruction of the Giants secondary will make it close, but no cigar for the redhead whose name coach couldn’t remember.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I will never pick against myself. Shame on you Philly Collins.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Waiting for Chester to prove me wrong here.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwight Schrute:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Unfortunately for Team Lomanto fans, this team’s miraculous Week 1 was simply a fluke. My heart goes out to Michael on this one; he saw a glimpse of shimmering light last week, but will get snapped back to reality in this contest. Maybe if he had any creative ability, he could change his team name given by default and not draft a team full of Rams every year.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Weeden start The fire (Vinny) (1-0) @ The Choom Gang (Shaun) (0-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;SHAUN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Only 50% of Americans trust Barack Obama. I have full trust in his dope-smoking gang.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;SHAUN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">So much weed in one matchup. The veteran upends the rookie, in more ways than one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;VINNY</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I have to catch up in the expert pick standings somehow.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;SHAUN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shaun has gone 0-0 since Derek Jeter was sat down for the year. I don’t see that trend continuing as he blows by Vinny.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwight Schrute:&nbsp;VINNY</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Weeden Start the Fire” wins in a landslide victory. Andrew Luck and Reggie Wayne will hook up, not only for gay butt sex, but also for a combined 50 fantasy points. RG3 will still labor that knee that has seen more oral sex than the field this preseason, and will settle with -2 points.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dirty Randy’s Bullcock (Jack) (0-1) @ Cowboys and Redmans (Joe) (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;JOE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">You’re going to notice one aspect of consistency in my picks this season: I will never pick Jack.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;JOE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe’s team is the perfect mix of young and old. The artist formerly known as Rams Johnson in LittleBrownHole is no longer flying under the radar.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;JOE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Once the name changed, the game changed…Joe wins it 185-33.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;JOE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Still projected to win by ESPN despite a couple players being sold short. Joe channels his ancestors for a big win.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwight Schrute:&nbsp;JOE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The story is simple here folks. Although Joe is starting Boldin this week against the Seahawks defense in self-hatred for not doing so last week, he will still beat “The Big Gay Red Dragon.” How? It’s easy! He dug deep into his Indian bag of tricks and pulled out a fat one. This week the face of his team will be his great-great-great granduncle “Mean Cow”.&nbsp; Good to see some culture in the league.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Geno Smith the Miracle Maker (Ian) (0-1) @ Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat) (0-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;PAT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With the QB controversy in full-swing, this is my coin flip of the week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;PAT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK: &nbsp;Daryl Richardson and Matt Ryan fall in love during pre-game warmups and skip the game to get married in Vermont, only to be gunned down in a double murder-suicide by jealous lover Roddy White. Pat takes full advantage despite losing Austin Collie this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;IAN&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shitty Bill called the MJD/Cecil Shorts incident last week so I’d be foolish to dismiss his Matt Ryan/Daryl Richardson prediction. Ian still wins via tiebreaker.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;PAT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In baseball the catcher is the first one who notices when the pitcher is jerking it. In fantasy football everyone notices when you’re jerking it. Pat sits Vick and plays Rodgers in a stroke of genius.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwight Schrute:&nbsp;PAT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We all doubted him in Week 1 when he sat his first round pick, but somehow he proved us all wrong. His incredible speculation of Chip Kelly’s offense, combined with his above-average dick size, makes for a solid fantasy contender this year. He wins this week by 27 fantasy points.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco) (1-0) @ THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike) (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Philadelphia C.:&nbsp;MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ASS is sweeping the nation, folks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ASS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Men want to be him and some even want to be with him…There’s no stopping the Ass Man.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;MARCO</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Looks like the consesus pick is Marco. I can’t say I agree but who am I to buck a trend?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dwight Schrute:&nbsp;MARCO</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Given the individual matchups, Marco should coast easily into a 2-0 start. I regret turning my back on ASS in this one, but this is easy.&nbsp;<strong>BOLD</strong>&nbsp;PREDICTION: Wes Welker puts up 32 points this week against a shaky Giants secondary, and Matt Bryant kicks a 78 yarder to win the game for Atlanta. Despite the miraculous leg strength, Mike will fall to Marco 98-97</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Week 2 Expert&nbsp;Picks Before we hear what our resident experts have to say this week, let’s take a look at last week’s results: Philadelphia C.: 3-3 Longwei: 3-3* Shitty Bill: 2-4 Kaunandodo: 2-4 *Longwei’s accurate prediction of 46 fantasy points for Peyton Manning has launched an investigation into the validity [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-11T16:37:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Contenders Or Pussy ASS Pretenders ©: Week 2 Power Rankings
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content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt da1st</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Throughout the year, the most superior GFFL analyst, Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt<strong>¹</strong>&nbsp;will&nbsp;break down the top 3 teams as Contenders or Pussy ASS Pretenders and get liquored up with one&nbsp;Wild Card&nbsp;Contender&nbsp;team.</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1) Chester (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Easily the best team in the whole league. Not only does he have the second best Manning brother putting up 46 points, he has basically the best WR and TE in the whole league in Tavon Austin and Jared Cook. The only thing that may hurt this team is the potentially damaging decision to drop arguably best QB in the league, Sam Bradford. Look for this fantasy genius to be #1 the whole year.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Contender Or Pussy ASS Pretender?:&nbsp;SUPER Contender.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2) Mike (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">No stinky ASS here, as the 1st over all pick in the draft Adrian Peterson could alone run this cats ASS straight into the playoffs. There’s also an all around solid WR core, and without a question the sexiest QB in the league. Not only do I get hard thinking about Tom Brady when I look at Mikes team, I get a soft-core pornographic picture to finish me off.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Contenders Or Pussy ASS Pretender?:&nbsp;Contender.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3) Matt (1-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’m still sitting here trying to contemplate how the fuck this team was ranked 3rd. Not only did Marco score more points, but if Shaun played any other WR besides Mike Wallace he would have scored more points as well. Whoever ranked this team 3rd must have been either REALLY STUPID, as drunk as EN, or as high as Brent. Not only do I expect to see a <strong>P</strong>, <strong>D</strong>, <strong>O</strong>, and <strong>IR</strong> next to Jamaal Charles’ name all year, but also Steven Jackson will soon just fall over and die. The one and only burning question about this team:  What’s worse, the Commissioner or the team? I’ll leave you to decide. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Contenders Or Pussy ASS Pretender?:&nbsp;STUPID Pussy ASS&nbsp;PRETENDER.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Wild Card Contender: PK (0-1)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Two words.. Mike Vick. He’s finally done killing our dogs and now killing our fantasy teams. With easily the best ex-convict running and gunning &nbsp;yards in the NFL (the longest yard that is), &nbsp;Pk should have no problem finding himself in the top 3 soon. He’s the second strongest team at WR, and I’ve heard possible trade talks involving one or two of his 7 receivers. The only thing really holding this team back from an undefeated rest of the season is none other than Eagle Great, Shady LeSean McCoy…well, too bad. Maybe next year.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt da1st Throughout the year, the most superior GFFL analyst, Mr.Dr.Pro.Master.Big Baby Bernt¹&nbsp;will&nbsp;break down the top 3 teams as Contenders or Pussy ASS Pretenders and get liquored up with one&nbsp;Wild Card&nbsp;Contender&nbsp;team. 1) Chester (1-0) Easily the best team in the whole league. Not only does he have the second best [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-10T16:38:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Power Rankings: Week 2
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The cat’s ass has spoken.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week one is in the bag folks. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed fantasy football season, and I’m almost sad to see that one week has already gone by so fast. We laughed, we cried, and then there was Brent. On to the rankings:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Rank) Owner (record) (last week’s rank)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1) Chester (1-0) (5):</strong>&nbsp;In a big “fuck you,” to his league-mates, Chester angrily distributed his feces upon the entire league this week, as he laid a thrashing upon Brent’s hopeless team. Many experts projected Team lomanto to fade into the abyss from the get-go, but he responded with a statement like no other team could have dreamed of.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 151</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Peyton Manning (46)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Vose</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2) Mike</strong><strong>&nbsp;(1-0) (2):</strong>&nbsp;Adrian Peterson set the tone for the CAT’S ASS’ dominance on his first snap, rushing 78 yards for a score and locking up 13 fantasy points on one carry. Mike’s team was no one-man show this week, as seemingly every player we saw score on the Red Zone Channel was an employee of the feline’s derriere. The Cat’s Ass has spoken folks: stay out of its path.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 115</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Adrian Peterson (28)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Marco</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3) Matt (1-0) (3):&nbsp;</strong>I like what I saw out of Matt’s incredibly sexy team this week: Great production spread across the board. Instead of riding the huge, black back of one of his players to victory, Matt saw everyone contribute to this thrashing of the Oxford Academy grad: Everyone except the TE, K, and D/ST scored double-digit fantasy points. When production is coming from everyone rather than just a couple of players, it suggests that the team will consistently do well and avoid the fluke roller-coaster. &nbsp;I like this team to start scoring more and more down the road. Fuck yeah.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 108</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Matthew Stafford (22)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Brent</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>4) Marco (1-0) (8):&nbsp;</strong>Although we need to see more from first round pick Doug Martin, Marco had some other key contributors that were able to shoulder the load for his team this week. Reggie Bush was a monster, scoring 25 fantasy points&nbsp;<em>despite</em>&nbsp;having two scores called back. The real stat of this team? Between Drew Brees (22), Wes Welker (18), Owen Daniels (18), and Blair Walsh (8), the K-WTA led the league in a key statistic: WMFP (white man fantasy points). Marco’s 66 WMFP accounted for a whopping 58.4% of his total production, a new GFFL record (can someone check on this for me?). This is an excellent sign of things to come for the Talent Agency, for reasons I do not understand.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 113</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Reggie Bush (25)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Mike (America’s Game of the Week)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5) Vinny (1-0) (4):&nbsp;</strong>I’m not floored by this team’s production this week, but a win is a win. Although the amazing Victor Cruz single-handedly won this game for Vinny, his team was also the unlucky victim of the “Stevan Ridley doghouse syndrome.” Shane Vereen is going to miss some time, meaning Ridley should bounce back and things should be a little more consistent for Vinny going forward. Look for Victor Cruz to continue his pace of 3 TDs per game, and for Vinny to continue to have the best bench QB in fantasy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 112</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Victor Cruz (29)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Shaun</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6) Shaun (0-1) (7):&nbsp;</strong>Coming in at number six is my highest-ranked 0-1 team. Despite absolute duds from two of his top picks, Shaun’s team still had a solid week, narrowly falling to one of the best teams in the league. I still think that CJ Spiller will turn it on and this team will put up enough points to win on any week that they don’t have to play Mike or Chester.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 107</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Robert Griffin III (23)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Vinny</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7) Joe (1-0) (9):&nbsp;</strong>A win is a win, but this was one of the most non-convincing wins I have ever seen. Colin Kaepernick’s 30 points bailed out the team after mediocre performances across the board. Joe’s top two picks, Trent Richardson and Calvin Johnson, combined for a mere 10 fantasy points, putting their combined score level with kicker Phil Dawson. Calvin and Trent are sure to put up more points in the future, so now is the time to trade for Dawson before his stock rises any higher.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 95</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Colin Kaepernick (30)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Jack</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8) Pat (0-1) (1):&nbsp;</strong>Another 0-1 team that could have done better; there were enough points here to beat some of the other owners, and the goose egg in the TE slot didn’t help. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Pat made the dumb move of benching first-round pick Aaron Rodgers in favor of late-round flier Mike Vick. By the miraculous vinegar strokes of Baby Jesus, Vick edged out Rodgers by a mere fantasy point, propelling Pat to genius status. This is the equivalent of going for two at the end of a game to win, instead of taking the sure-fire extra point to tie and go to OT: If it doesn’t work, you’re criticized as the worst coach in the league. If it does work, you’re deemed a football genius and secure the victory…. by one fucking point.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 104</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Mike Vick (27)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Ian</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9) Vose (0-1) (6):&nbsp;</strong>Here is another example of a team whose behind felt the penetrating fists of two of their top picks. Marshawn Lynch and MJD combined for 8 points, leaving Vose with virtually no chance to pull out the win, or the fists. I think there is some legitimate concern here, as Lynch and MJD are both victims of the wear-and-tear, not unlike this team’s posterior. Only time will tell how things unfold for the TotemScrotums, but Gronk’s looming return will certainly help.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 81</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Demaryius Thomas (28)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: vs. Chester</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>10) Jack (0-1) (12):&nbsp;</strong>Jack climbs two spots in this week’s rankings, but that is by default. Jack failed to have anyone score more than 15 points, and that player is now injured. There was some consistent-double digit production, but it wasn’t enough to have any real impact on the outcome. This team’s future rests entirely in the hands of Cam Newton and Ray Rice. Even if these guys get it together, I’m seriously concerned by the league-low 8 WMFP scored by the team from Oxford. (WMFP clarification: Brent’s team had only 7 points from all-white players, but half-black TE Jimmy Graham contributes half of his 10 points to the team’s WMFP total, leaving Jack in last.)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 88</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Shane Vereen (15)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Joe</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>11) Ian (0-1) (10):</strong>&nbsp;Ian’s team had a very disheartening outing, to say the very least. None of the backs and receivers on this team eclipsed double-digit fantasy points. At least that horrid team name is gone, replaced with a low-end mediocre one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 79</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: Matt Ryan and Vernon Davis (21)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Pat</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>12) Brent (0-1) (11):&nbsp;</strong>If I showed you these rankings before the week started, would anyone believe it? Brent was this week’s highest projected scorer, going up against Chester, the lowest projected scorer. I think that’s enough proof to throw away any faith you might still have in ESPN’s fantasy projections. LeSean McCoy was the only bright spot on this embarrassing “team.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Points: 78</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Top Scorer: LeSean McCoy (24)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next Week: @ Matt</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The cat’s ass has spoken. Week one is in the bag folks. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed fantasy football season, and I’m almost sad to see that one week has already gone by so fast. We laughed, we cried, and then there was Brent. On to the [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-10T14:40:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Beyond the Numbers with Shitty Bill – WEEK 1
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content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>15</strong>&nbsp;– The lowest high point man for a GFFL team in week 1.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Shane Vereen pranced all over the Buffalo Bills defense like he was a ballerina, a skill probably taught to him by his gay starting quarterback. Vereen was the high point man for Dirty Randy’s Bullcock, as Jack’s team was the only one whose high point man didn’t have at least 20 points. Jack lost, and Vereen also broke his wrist during the effort. Fuck the Patriots, Bob Kraft, and his dead wife.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3</strong>&nbsp;– The number of owners who started players that got them 0 points.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Pat (Brandon Pettigrew), Vose (Zach Sudfeld), and Ian (Lamar Miller) all dealt with a player putting up a goose egg. All three owners also lost their week 1 matchup. Ian will probably stick with Miller, and Vose has the Gronk plus Jordan Cameron (16 points in week 1) waiting in the wings. Unfortunately for Pat, he has no one. Maybe he could pick up a tight end and drop free agent wide receiver Austin Collie.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>28</strong>&nbsp;– The number of characters, including spaces, in the longest GFFL team name.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Geno Smith The Miracle Maker. This is just a random fact, folks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>73</strong>&nbsp;– The number of points Chester beat Brent by in week 1.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Nobody saw it coming. Even after Peyton Manning put up 46 points, whisperings of Chester being the only owner in the entire world losing their matchup with Peyton at QB began to surface. Just one expert, Fu-Dai Dong Longwei, picked Chester to win the matchup, let alone walk away the clubhouse leader for the Aaron Hernandez Award. Chester goes into Turtle Creek this week, still presumably with a chip on his shoulder.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>19.6666667</strong>&nbsp;– The average number of points produced by Mike Vick, DeSean Jackson, and LeSean McCoy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While Chester may have a chip on his shoulder, there is also a Chip running wild in the City of Brotherly Love. The three main focal points of the Eagles offense went off on Monday night football. The 3 GFFL owners who own them, however, lost by an average of 30 points. Also, it makes perfect sense that Pat’s favorite football team would reside in the City of Brotherly Love. Do the math, guys.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Shitty Bill is a senior GFFL writer and analyst</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. 15&nbsp;– The lowest high point man for a GFFL team in week 1. Beyond the Number: Shane Vereen pranced all over the Buffalo Bills defense like he was a ballerina, a skill probably taught [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-06T16:43:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Team Name Rankings
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Putting together these team name rankings was extremely difficult. I began to realize that there was an awfully frustrating trend among the names this season, in that except for one, every single team name is really fucking average.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">First, let’s take a look back at some names that have garnered high praise in the past. Which is your favorite?</p>


  <div class="align crowdsignal-poll-wrapper" data-crowdsignal-poll="{&quot;pollId&quot;:&quot;27c3075b-a537-4e92-9ca1-93e3f0316fb6&quot;,&quot;question&quot;:&quot;Which team name tickles your fancy the most?&quot;,&quot;answers&quot;:[{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Bird?Plane?NoIt&#039;sAKleinsasser! (Joe)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;106da9df-e41d-46e0-bae9-ec2c7ca89e85&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Buy a Graham Smoke a Blount (Vinny)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;cea99a8f-ca24-4bad-870d-e45dd2b7d7fa&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Forte Posada (Marco)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;6e12c4c9-aa61-4e62-a251-3875b9dee0ec&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Giants Defense\/ Special Teams (Vose)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;dec86e56-af0d-400e-962c-90bbcdcc3439&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;goodbye playoff for me (Pat)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;5ee73d16-670b-4306-901d-b09e64ee7a09&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Goose Balls (Marco)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;db7bde27-17e4-4d4a-9021-b95ac60ac524&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Jack&#039;s Gay (Shaun)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;e27488c2-b9e1-45c4-89ba-b191d381bf22&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Pryor 2 Oakland iAint Terrellin (Vinny)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;3d1e5bc4-b384-4cd5-9fcf-64b0c160f6b7&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;The Rim Schaubs (Matt)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;3c631114-d1c0-47f0-81b0-6e72c0ee3513&quot;},{&quot;text&quot;:&quot;Thomas Cole (Marco)&quot;,&quot;answerId&quot;:&quot;989e2039-ae72-4b89-ab63-f902f78cfbe4&quot;}],&quot;isMultipleChoice&quot;:false,&quot;note&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;submitButtonLabel&quot;:&quot;Submit&quot;,&quot;confirmMessageType&quot;:&quot;results&quot;,&quot;borderWidth&quot;:2,&quot;borderRadius&quot;:0,&quot;hasBoxShadow&quot;:false,&quot;hasOneResponsePerComputer&quot;:false,&quot;randomizeAnswers&quot;:false,&quot;width&quot;:100,&quot;pollStatus&quot;:&quot;open&quot;,&quot;closedPollState&quot;:&quot;show-results&quot;,&quot;hideBranding&quot;:false,&quot;buttonAlignment&quot;:&quot;list&quot;,&quot;apiPollData&quot;:{&quot;id&quot;:10603814,&quot;question&quot;:&quot;Which team name tickles your fancy the most?&quot;,&quot;note&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;settings&quot;:{&quot;title&quot;:&quot;Which team name tickles your fancy the most?&quot;,&quot;after_vote&quot;:&quot;results&quot;,&quot;after_message&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;randomize_answers&quot;:false,&quot;restrict_vote_repeat&quot;:false,&quot;captcha&quot;:false,&quot;multiple_choice&quot;:false,&quot;redirect_url&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;close_status&quot;:&quot;open&quot;,&quot;close_after&quot;:1599165720},&quot;answers&quot;:[{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Bird?Plane?NoIt&amp;#039;sAKleinsasser! (Joe)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116744,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;106da9df-e41d-46e0-bae9-ec2c7ca89e85&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Buy a Graham Smoke a Blount (Vinny)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116745,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;cea99a8f-ca24-4bad-870d-e45dd2b7d7fa&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Forte Posada (Marco)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116746,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;6e12c4c9-aa61-4e62-a251-3875b9dee0ec&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Giants Defense\/ Special Teams (Vose)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116764,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;dec86e56-af0d-400e-962c-90bbcdcc3439&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;goodbye playoff for me (Pat)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116765,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;5ee73d16-670b-4306-901d-b09e64ee7a09&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Goose Balls (Marco)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116766,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;db7bde27-17e4-4d4a-9021-b95ac60ac524&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Jack&amp;#039;s Gay (Shaun)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116767,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;e27488c2-b9e1-45c4-89ba-b191d381bf22&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Pryor 2 Oakland iAint Terrellin (Vinny)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116768,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;3d1e5bc4-b384-4cd5-9fcf-64b0c160f6b7&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;The Rim Schaubs (Matt)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116769,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;3c631114-d1c0-47f0-81b0-6e72c0ee3513&quot;},{&quot;answer_text&quot;:&quot;Thomas Cole (Marco)&quot;,&quot;id&quot;:49116770,&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;989e2039-ae72-4b89-ab63-f902f78cfbe4&quot;}],&quot;client_id&quot;:&quot;27c3075b-a537-4e92-9ca1-93e3f0316fb6&quot;}}"></div>


  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It’s hard to rank anything when the things being ranked are all about the same level of bad. Alas, the rankings must go on and here they are from worst to first.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(12) Tim Tebow and the BibleHuggers (IAN) –&nbsp;</strong>Ian opted to not change his&nbsp;team name this year. It’s a slap in the face of the league and the commissioner (and not the type of facial slap Matt is accustomed to receiving from Ian). It’s also&nbsp;the only factor keeping Joe’s team from being ranked 12th on this list.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(11) Aaron Hernandez On A Bye Week (JOE)</strong>&nbsp;– Joe had a really good thing going with his original team name, “Rams Johnson in LittleBrownHole.” Unfortunately for him, the most obscene name in league history is out and a painfully average name is in. “Rams Johnson…” provoked so much imagery. “Aaron Hernandez…” pokes fun at a very serious gang violence issue facing not only our nation, but our own community. Grow up Joe.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(10) Weeden start The fire (VINNY)</strong>&nbsp;– Vinny gets props for being the only owner this season to incorporate a player’s real name into his team name, a fad that is quickly going by the wayside. Major points off for not realizing that there are so many marijuana-related names he could have conjured up. I would think that the man behind Fantasy Football champion “Buy a Graham Smoke a Blount” would have better insight.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(9) Chalupa Batman (JACK)</strong>&nbsp;– I like the reference, don’t get me wrong. Unfortunately I just like all the other&nbsp;<del>owners</del>&nbsp;names better. Plus, what’s with the animated photograph? No one likes a show off, Jack. This average name gets its low ranking mainly for being the most average name in a pool of average names.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(8) Say No To Drug .. Tests (PAT)</strong>&nbsp;– Pat likes his football players how he likes his dicks: big, full of juice, and ready to explode on the football field (and there’s no argument from Mike Ditka on any account). Though there is nothing flashy about this name, it is a 6/10 that once again falls due to the parity.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(7) J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (BRENT)</strong>&nbsp;– Brent found a way to incorporate a white trash rapper from the greatest television show ever and the greatest real-life white trash rapper into one team name. Add in the double-meaning of “Shady” and this is a pretty intricate entry from Wednesday the bactrian camel.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(6) Team lomanto (CHESTER)</strong>&nbsp;– Complete indifference and lack of effort have manifested themselves into a classic, plain and simple.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(5) Turtle Creek Totemscrotums&nbsp;(VOSE)</strong>&nbsp;– What a blast from the past. Vose, once famous for names of this very fashion, changed his team name at the 11th hour and is seeing a bump in the rankings because of it. The Totemscrotums are synonymous with names like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson; it is a true forefather of fantasy sports.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(4) Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (MARCO)</strong>&nbsp;– Here’s one solid name. Marco is known for his inventive names but this may be one of his best yet. It’s a shame that a Krajcir or Watts hasn’t been made the subject of a team name until this point. Come on people, that’s all it takes for an elevated ranking in this column.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(3) The Choom Gang (SHAUN)</strong>&nbsp;– The leader of the free world used to be quite the pothead in high school and his group of smoking buddies called themselves “The Choom Gang.” The most powerful man in the world is a black Hawaiian stoner, making “The Choom Gang” worthy of the number 3 spot on this list.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><a href="http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/oral-history/choice-2012/the-choom-gang/">http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/oral-history/choice-2012/the-choom-gang/</a>&nbsp;(Choom Gang informational video)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(2) The Dirty Burger (MATT)</strong>&nbsp;– What a tribute. With the passing of Richard “Philadelphia” Collins, what greater way to remember him then by naming your team name after the business he created. Even though he had to fire Randall from The Dirty Burger because he was fucking baked all the time, and the sweaty bitch was high, Phil ate just as much as he did and for that, we salute him.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>(1) THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (MIKE)</strong>&nbsp;– You win, Mike. For years and years members of the GFFL have put countless hours of thought into their team names with the small glimmer of hope that one day, if the stars aligned, they could set out on a path to outshine Mike La Porta in the team name department. With “THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS” Mike has officially catapulted himself into a realm unseen before in the sport. Whether you take it as a phrase meaning “that’s the best,” or as Mike literally spotting a kitty walking by and exuberantly pointing and shouting, “THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS,” it is undoubtedly the best team name in the GFFL in 2013. Did anyone expect anything less?</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Putting together these team name rankings was extremely difficult. I began to realize that there was an awfully frustrating trend among the names this season, in that except for one, every single team name is really fucking average. First, let’s take a look back at some names that have garnered [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-05T16:45:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Do the Math
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The age old question comes up in conversation just as frequently as you talk about it: “If I were an animal then what would I be?” Philosophers the likes of Aristotle (cat), Plato (turtle), and Confucius (whatever eats Aristotle) have pondered the same burning question that red faced 14-year olds, classy stoners, and mundane randys alike humor their feeble little minds with. Lets throw some gaiety at our heads folks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Dirty Burger – Owner: Matt</strong><br><strong>Animal: Atlantic Walrus AKA “Tooth Walking Sea Horse”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt’s team, The Dirty Burger, and its ties with Philadelphia Collins go hand in hand with its relation to the Atlantic Walrus. In a similar manner to these fish/slug/used condom looking mammals, Philadelphia Collins is clearly distinguished by his mustachioed face, long white tusks, and impossibly massive gut. A main component to a walrus’ diet is fish. Mackerel is a comfort food for Collins; you do the math. Unfortunately Matt’s walrus of a team is not cut out to be the ‘bull’ or alpha male walrus of the league, but rather the harem or bitch ass skank walrus. Left with just his sons and his burgers, Phil passes away in the first round of the playoffs.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Chalupa Batman – Owner: Jack</strong><br><strong>Animal: French Male Prostitute AKA “Bagman of the Baguette”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Just like a brothel of French male prostitutes, Jack’s starting lineup has a guy named Pierre in it. His father’s name is also Pierre, while Jack himself is labeled with the French denomination from time to time. However, Pierre alone does not a French male prostitute make. When in his natural habitat, the FMP makes money by blowing guys. It’s no secret Jack is gay, do the math. Despite the combination of Dobson, Dobson, and Dobson, Chalupa Batman eats a Taco and gets dysentery. Game Over.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><br><strong>J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! – Owner: Brent</strong><br><strong>Animal: Bactrian Camel AKA “Wednesday”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">A team animal clearly sponsored by none other than Chuck Giglio and his affinity for ‘hump day” as well as the fact that Bernt has a guy on his team named Hakeem, another named Turbin, and an Oakland Raider. All these men are terrorists. Anthrax is bad, do the math.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Aaron Hernandez On Bye Week – Owner: Joe</strong><br><strong>Animal: Kodiak Brown Bear AKA “Papa Bear”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kodiak bears are a particularly large subspecies of brown bear, living only in the harshly beautiful Alaskan coast. These monsters tend to be solitary animals until salmon season when Trent Richardson, Phil Dawson and the gang eat as much as 90 pounds of food each day. With each of these burly young men weighing up to 700 lbs each, its impossible for Joe’s team not to amass at least 21908609485709 fantasy points in the regular season caulking them to a #1 seed, do the math, only to fall in the finals. AT LEAST.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Turtle Creek Totemscrotums – Owner: Vose</strong><br><strong>Animal: Sperm AKA “Jizz”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While not technically an animal, sperm is about as close as you can get to being one without an egg. Derived from the Greek word sperma meaning “seed,” Vose’s scrotum laden squad is ready to blast off. These men hardly stick to tacklers and ejaculate points prematurely, maturely, and everything in between. Watch out for an offensive explosion when you rub up against these guys because Cecil Shorts, Dwayne Bowe, and Marshawn Lynch aren’t gonna be short on doin the math. Semen.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Say No To Drug ..Tests – Owner: Pat</strong><br><strong>Animal: Olive Baboon AKA “The Thief of the Animal Kingdom”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The reasoning behind Say No To Drug ..Tests’ animal cameo is abundantly clear when you consider who runs the team on the keyboard as well as who runs it on the field. Patrick James Kennedy and Michael Dwayne Vick are two boys who are bound to go to jail for theft on account of their stealing everyone’s heart. Year after year Pat puts together a lovable team of Vicks, Jacksons, and McCoys. We all know who to root for once our team fails to reach the playoffs and Pat’s is set to make a deep playoff run. Do the math here gentlemen and keep a close eye on your heart.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Choom Gang – Owner: Shaun</strong><br><strong>Animal: Velociraptor AKA “CJ2K”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Chris Johnson looks exactly like a fucking raptor. Do the math.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>THAT’S THE CATS ASS – Owner: Mike La.</strong><br><strong>Animal: Black Rapper AKA “Mike”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">THAT’S THE CATS ASS is merely one of five whole ASS related names Mike has harpooned our eyeballs with thus far in the GFFL’s short history. Coinciding with every black rapper ever, Mike’s team names have an unheard of compatibility with all things hindquarter. Although possibly based on jealousy, other league owners have claimed Mike’s drafting technique is “based firmly on the ass” of his players. Fortunately for Mike, he drafts em real thick n’ juicy, so just do the math boys. After a stumble at the gate and a quick fall to the rear of the pack, the bountiful booty boys bounce back blastin’ bullets, baby.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency – Owner: Marco</strong><br><strong>Animal: Red Kangaroo AKA “Giant Mob Rats”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">At birth a red kangaroo is no larger than a cherry. However, its mother can only give birth to one little freak at a time. As the marsupial is born, it climbs into its mother’s pouch in preparation to emerge 2 months later having evolved into Charizard. Like Charizard, this monster of a team is led headlong into its weekly duels by Poke Master Blair Walsh. This guy is gonna put up more points than most of your running backs gentlemen, do the math.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Weeden start The Fire – Owner: Vinny</strong><br><strong>Animal: Possum AKA “Not an Opossum”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Not to be confused with the opossum that is a native of North America, Weeden Start The Fire’s principal beast is that of the Australian possum. Vinny’s team always seems to pull a possum in the sense that you can look at his squad and think they’re dead. However, once that Sunday rolls around it’s entirely evident that each player is alive and kicking. Despite across the board talent, we all know that the possum’s end is the road. Therefore, I predict 5 losses and 8 victories for Vinny (wtf man? only 5 road games?). Do the math folks, thats an 8-5 regular season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Tim Tebow and theBibleHuggers – Owner: Ian</strong><br><strong>Animal: 2 of Each AKA “Noah’s Ark”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Even though Tim Tebow was cut by the worst team in football, Ian still wears the ugly crown of “John 3:16” atop his 2013 team’s dome. Regrettably, as is custom for any player not good enough for even the Patriots sewn together roster, Tebow went straight to hell. The good news for Tebow is Satan happens to be a Gators fan. Do the math here mammalians, Tim Tebow is heir apparent to the number one spot in the depth chart of h-e double hockey sticks. Congrats to Tim.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Team lomanto – Owner: Mike Lo.</strong><br><strong>Animal: Rocky Mountain Big-horn Sheep AKA “St. Louis Ram”</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike went deep into the bag of chips in this years draft to drag out four big-horned sheep, a whole herd! Fortunately for him, one of them happened to be quarterback Megan Siegle. This prolific draft is a direct result of Team lomanto’s patented Rocky Mountain Rams © attributes: keen vision, balance aiding split hooves, and large curled horns. Mike is gonna need all of these skills and more in order to march the tiny ledge towards another magical run at the GFFL finals. With four Rams? Do the math.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Fu-Dai Dong Longwei The age old question comes up in conversation just as frequently as you talk about it: “If I were an animal then what would I be?” Philosophers the likes of Aristotle (cat), Plato (turtle), and Confucius (whatever eats Aristotle) have pondered the same burning question that red faced 14-year [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-09-04T16:47:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Week 1 Expert Picks
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Dirty Burger (Matt) (0-0) @ Chalupa Batman (Jack) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">How often does the best team in the league lose to the worst team in the league? I like my chances with Matt this week. Plenty of big games are in order for his starters, while Jack’s squad faces a slew of question marks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;MATT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">If it’s been said once, it’s been said a million times: Jack’s Gay.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;JACK</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">ESPN says Jack will win by two.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;JACK</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Matt’s team is distracted by Jack’s .gif and falters early on.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Aaron Hernandez On Bye Week (Joe) (0-0) @ Tim Tebow and the Bible Huggers (Ian) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;IAN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’ll be honest… I flipped a coin for this one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;IAN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe may have one of the most well-rounded starting lineups in the league. I may also be fucking lying. The drunken college senior should win this one, especially at home.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;IAN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">No one ever loses on the weekend following their birthday weekend. It’s a fact.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;IAN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Matt Ryan/Roddy White combo pounds beer early and often.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat) (0-0) @ Krajcir-Watts Talent Agency (Marco) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;MARCO</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The team name alone is enough to sway my vote in favor of Marco, and then he’s got Blair Walsh. Fresh off of his brilliant acting performance on the season premier of “The League,” expect a huge game for Blair. Pat gets his only loss of the season out of the way in week one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;PAT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">All the Watts’s in the world don’t have enough talent to save Marco from a loss this week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;MARCO</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’m predicting this to be the lowest scoring game of the weekend. Marco squeaks it out.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;MARCO</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Larry Rothchild once said: “I took this job 4 years ago with winning in mind, and we haven’t accomplished that.” Well Larry, its gotta start sometime.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Brent) (0-0) @ Team lomanto (Chester) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;BRENT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">David Wilson and Hakeem Nicks are going to combine for 50 points. That alone could be enough to outscore Chester’s entire team.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;BRENT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The highest projected point total versus the lowest projected point total. No upset special here, folks, as Brent figures to log his only victory of the season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;BRENT</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">If you can’t beat Team Lomanto, you don’t belong in our league.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;CHESTER</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Peyton Manning is in for a big week, somewhere in the ballpark of 46 points.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Conky and Co. (Vose) (0-0) @ Weeden Start the Fire (Vinny) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Look for both MJD and Cecil Shorts to put up big numbers in their ’13 debuts. The Jags aren’t messing around this year, folks.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;VINNY</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">BOLD PREDICTION OF THE WEEK: Cecil Shorts and Maurice Jones Drew miss their game vs. Kansas City after a pre-game stretching routine goes terribly wrong and Cecil’s not-so-short penis ends up inexplicably lodged in MJD’s anus, propelling Vinny to a week 1 victory.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;VOSE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I can’t see Vose losing a game this year so long as MJD’s anus remains in tact which, as Shitty Bill pointed out, is no guarantee.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;TIE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Down early, Vose’s roster gets double the points for each touchdown from the newly consolidated Short/Jones-Drew character to set himself up for a tie.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph"><strong>The Choom Gang (Shaun) (0-0) @ THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS (Mike) (0-0)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Phil:&nbsp;MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I love the Tom Brady vs. Buffalo match-up, and then Mike has Adrian Peterson on top of that. It’ll be tough to outscore these guys.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shitty Bill:&nbsp;SHAUN</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">CJ SPILLER!!!!!!!</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Kaunandodo:&nbsp;</strong><strong>MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike wins this week’s best match up.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Fu-Dai Dong Longwei:&nbsp;MIKE</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bob Griffith Third has a tough Monday night football sketch. Tom Brady has a good Sunday mass.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins The Dirty Burger (Matt) (0-0) @ Chalupa Batman (Jack) (0-0) Phil:&nbsp;MATT How often does the best team in the league lose to the worst team in the league? I like my chances with Matt this week. Plenty of big games are in order for his starters, while Jack’s squad faces [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-08-01T16:48:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Ass-tastic!
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Quick, what’s the first word that comes to your head when you think of fantasy football?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’d be willing to bet that it isn’t “consistency.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Fantasy Football is one of the most unpredictable sports on the face of the earth. In a world where un-drafted players carry their teams to championships, where star players can lose their entire season to injury at a moments notice, and where two weeks of lucky production can win the title, can you really count on anything?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I say yes.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Although I can’t predict who will win the league with any confidence whatsoever, I can say one thing for sure. In the GFFL, there is one thing that holds true year in and year out. One single factor that holds this league together and makes it what it is; the league’s backbone of sorts.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When you wake up on Monday and realize you lost by one point because of a scoring adjustment, don’t lose your mind. Shit like that happens, you couldn’t have seen it coming. It’s just a part of fantasy football. Just be thankful that in the GFFL, there is always one thing you can count on, something that actually does fit the definition of “consistency.”<br><br>In the GFFL, Mike La Porta is the ASSman.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Ever since this league’s inaugural season in 2008, Mike has donned ‘ASS’ in his team name. There’s no debating who the best team-namer in the GFFL is; Mike ended that debate on day one. Sure, we’ve had some gems over the years (Team lomanto, Giants D/ST, Goose Balls, Jack’s Gay), and we’ve had more than enough duds (steel curtain, the Tebow one, most of Jack’s names), but nobody has consistently put out great team names like Mike, period.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Today is the Christmas Morning of the Fantasy Football season, the day of the year that you stop wondering what team name Mike will gift all of us with. Today is the day that you begin to enjoy that gift.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Before we unveil Mike’s 2013 GFFL team name, let’s take a walk down memory lane. Here are Mike’s historic team names and logos from every season since 2008, when the GFFL and the fantasy baseball league were established (Mike’s creativity wasn’t just limited to fantasy football all of these years).</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2008</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Logos not available</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: Mr. Ass</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Football: Fly Like an Eagle Ass</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2009</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/74316-donkeys.jpg?w=150&amp;h=150" alt="" /></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/35618-assclown.jpg?w=150&amp;h=150" alt="" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: Mr. Ass II</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Football: ASS CLOWNS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2010</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/2c659-naked_beach_girls_105404_12.jpg?w=150&amp;h=150" alt="" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: Mr. Ass III</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Football: BIG ASS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2011</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Same logos as above</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: Mr. Ass III</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Football: HUGE ASS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2012</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://gffl2013.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/de9c8-donkey-hole.jpg?w=150&amp;h=150" alt="" /></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRbN-zyn-p41UvU2T0_4Exx_BRAdiIZvUVRgF-FmGbEjpXl74TFMw" alt="" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: ASS HOLE?????</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Football: SPIDER ASS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2013</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://i2.wp.com/www.free-digital-photography-tips.com/images/jul7-07-bikini-cheerleader-ass-butt-female-body-form-action-sports-digital-photography-378rt.jpg" alt="" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Baseball: TEAM ASS</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">And now, let’s reveal Mike’s team name and logo for the 2013 season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That’s the logo. And the name?<strong>&nbsp;THAT’S THE CAT’S ASS.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Ass-content? 10/10. Humor? 10/10. Creativity? 10/10.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When it comes to naming fantasy football teams, Mike La Porta defines consistency.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Quick, what’s the first word that comes to your head when you think of fantasy football? I’d be willing to bet that it isn’t “consistency.” Fantasy Football is one of the most unpredictable sports on the face of the earth. In a world where un-drafted players carry their teams to [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-08-27T16:50:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Musings
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Kaunandodo</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Some random thoughts that may or may not be related to fantasy football:</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Eric Close’s highly anticipated Oakland Avenue fort remains under construction…sources say missing building permits are the cause for the years-long delay but Close himself has denied these reports. Close says the project is on target for a mid-2014 unveiling. My own sources suggest that Close is intentionally delaying the building of the fort to funnel taxpayer money toward his family’s illegal racketeering activities. You didn’t hear that from me…</li></ul>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Frosty the cat was released from Nathan Littauer’s Intensive Care Unit today after being forced into an ill-fitting sack and drunkenly swung around by one –Redacted–. Doctors say that Frosty has suffered no permanent damage but faces a long road to recovery. Not only will Frosty undergo two months of rehab on his personal cat playground in the corner of the Close’s living room, he will also see a psychiatrist twice a week to deal with “unspecified psychological trauma.” Please direct your thoughts and prayers to this brave feline…</li></ul>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Madden 25 was released today and reports indicate that A. E. Vose handily defeated Matt Close in the first two games of the season. No surprise there…</li></ul>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The posthumous release of legendary gay rights’ activist Joe Chittenden’s third and final autobiography is scheduled for September 9th. The book is reportedly titled&nbsp;<em>Insert Here: My Secret Love Affair with Patrick “Patty” Kennedy.</em>&nbsp;Stay tuned for my personal book review…</li></ul>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>I’m hearing rumblings of an unspecified musical collaboration between Alex “Vissuvius” Vose and Brent “Big Baby” Savage. Updates to come…</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Finally, for some actual fantasy football talk, here are my end-of-season projections for the GFFL’s award winners:</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The Aaron Hernandez Award: Matt Close, Week 11</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Chester’s already god-awful squad will be decimated by the Ram’s bye week and Close’s good-but-not-great squad will take advantage.</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Mr. Irrelevant: Vinny Mosconi (Matt Prater)</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Complete shot in the dark…</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>League MVP: Brent Savage (Lesean McCoy)</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">A great all-around back without the injury concerns of his peers, I expect McCoy to have a big year.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Sleepers:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">-Jack Bananapeel (Ray Rice): Rice has a comfy playoff slate, but I doubt Bananapeel’s team is good enough to get there</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">-Alex Vose (Marshawn Lynch): Like the talent; don’t like the division schedule/minor durability concerns.</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Defensive (luckiest) Player of the Year: Pat Kennedy</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The trophy’s description states: :Awarded to…the luckiest piece of shit in the league.” Simply put, Kennedy fits 90% of the bill.</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>Offensive Player of the Year: Shaun Anich</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’m expecting better years from both CJ2K and Mike Wallace. Add that to Anich’s otherwise well-rounded roster and you have the potential for an offensive juggernaut.</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The Mundane Randy: Pat Kennedy</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">He routinely shows up late for drafts, makes mind-boggling draft picks and is simply a lower-class human being than the rest of us. Sounds like a Mundane Randy to me. Give the man credit though; he can make a mean batch of boneless wings.</p>



  <ul class="wp-block-list"><li>The Philadelphia Collins Memorial Trophy: Shaun Anich</li></ul>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">(See above)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Sleepers:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">-Alex Vose: He’s a winner, pure and simple</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">-Ian Gillis: Look for Matt Ryan/Roddy White to shine come playoff time.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Until next time, good night and good luck…</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Kaunandodo Some random thoughts that may or may not be related to fantasy football: Eric Close’s highly anticipated Oakland Avenue fort remains under construction…sources say missing building permits are the cause for the years-long delay but Close himself has denied these reports. Close says the project is on target for a mid-2014 [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-08-27T14:51:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Beyond the Numbers with Shitty Bill – PRESEASON
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Shitty Bill</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>.9</strong>&nbsp;– Percentage of leagues that Kenjon Barner is owned in, including our own after he was selected by Pat Kennedy with the 185th overall pick.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Barner is the least owned player in the NFL that is owned by someone in the GFFL. My Lord, Mr. Kennedy. What balls you have. In an era where fantasy teams are often judged based on how many players are 100% owned, it is refreshing to see a competitor like Kennedy going after the guys he strongly feels will do some damage even if we all know he is completely wrong.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>4</strong>&nbsp;– The highest amount of players drafted from one NFL team by one GFFL owner.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Brent Savage drafted 4 Seahawks, while Mike Lomanto miraculously wound up with 4 St. Louis Rams on his roster. For years the NFC West was panned as the worst division in professional sports. While that claim is still not too far off base due to the Rams dragging the rest of the division down, it is clear that there are enough strong, sweaty, untalented black men in Seattle and Saint Louie to fill some holes for two of the game’s best owners.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5+</strong>&nbsp;– The number of seasons league veteran Mike La Porta has donned an ASS-related team name.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">La Porta has used the word “Ass” in his team name for longer than the league website allows us to look back. While “Fly Like An Eagle Ass” entered the global lexicon in 2008, it wasn’t until 2009 that “ASS CLOWNS” took both the league and the community at large by storm. Who could ever forget that avatar of a huge black ass with a face painted on it and a party hat sitting gently where the asses torso should be. With names like BIG ASS, HUGE ASS, and SPIDER ASS keeping the rump-related tradition going strong, the unveiling of La Porta’s 2013 moniker is set to, once again, be one of the biggest moments of the fantasy season.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>154</strong>&nbsp;– With this pick in the 2013 GFFL draft, the first kicker came off the board.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Contrary to the universally adopted strategy to wait on a kicker until the last round, it was none other than Marco DeLilli that reached for a kicker three rounds early. No surprises here, as DeLilli’s quirky personality and willingness to go against the grain has led to his inclusion in this week’s final number.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7.6</strong>&nbsp;– The highest average number of regular-season losses over the past 5 fantasy football seasons.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Beyond the Number:&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">DeLilli has been a mainstay in the GFFL, but let’s face it, no one gets too nervous when they see a team like “Goose Balls” or “Thomas Cole” on the schedule. DeLilli is the worst regular-season fantasy owner by .6 games over Alex Vose, another perennial loser who lucked into a championship despite putting together one of his many losing records during the 2008 campaign. Surprisingly, Shaun Anich and a man with little to no formal high school education have enjoyed the most consistent regular-season success, with both averaging just 5.4 losses over the same 5-season span</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Shitty Bill is a senior GFFL writer and analyst</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Shitty Bill Senior GFFL analyst Shitty Bill takes a look at some meaningful numbers in this week’s column. .9&nbsp;– Percentage of leagues that Kenjon Barner is owned in, including our own after he was selected by Pat Kennedy with the 185th overall pick. Beyond the Number:&nbsp; Barner is the least owned player [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2013-08-26T16:53:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Pre-Season Power Rankings
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With the 2013 GFFL draft completed, lets take a look at how the league stacks up against future champion Pat Kennedy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>1) Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat Kennedy):</strong>&nbsp;From the moment the first pick was in, you couldn’t help but get that feeling that Pat’s 2013 squad was in line to do some serious damage. Aaron Rodgers leads this group of guaranteed pro-bowlers, and that includes every starter on the Texans defense and special teams. With no glaring weaknesses and too many strengths to list in this entire column, this team will once again be a force to be reckoned with. Oh yeah and Mike Vick.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: Kicker Justin Tucker is the number one player in all of fantasy, narrowly beating out most of his fantasy teammates.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2) Mike Laporta (Team name TBD):</strong>&nbsp;We’ve heard his fool-proof strategy: Take plenty of defense and kickers early, you’ll have plenty of trade bait. What happened? Mike fooled us again, drafting an elite squad while waiting until the end of the draft for his prized defense and kicker. With absolute studs at QB, WR, and of course RB with Adrian Peterson (Hands-down the best fantasy player that isn’t a Philadelphia Eagle), it’ll be tough to beat this team almost every week. The only question left to ask is which Ass-related team name will Mike come up with this season?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: Mike picks up the Raiders D/ST by week 2, propelling himself all the way to the championship game.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>3) The Dirty Burger (Myself):</strong>&nbsp;I’d like to pay homage to Philadelphia Collins with my team name, may he forever rest in peace. I would’ve put myself first on this list, but I couldn’t put myself ahead of the first two teams. I’m just as much a fan of unbiased rankings as the next guy. That being said, come on, just look at my team. I don’t have to explain myself. Fantasy beasts top to bottom. My bench will outscore most of you guys’ starters every week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: I win the league? Not really that bold but that’s all I’ve got.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>4) Vinny (Team name TBD):</strong>&nbsp;I’ve gotta give some favor here to the reigning champion. Yeah, he has a strong core of backs and receivers and a promising young QB, but you have to take a deeper look at this team to truly appreciate it. Is that Eli Manning? Two-time super bowl MVP Eli Manning? The greatest quarterback on planet earth, Eli Manning? AND he’s got Victor Cruz? Wait isn’t his quarterback… ELI MANNING?!?! Have fun on the bench, Andrew Luck.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: Eli Manning puts up the NFL’s first 6,000 yard season en route to the FIRST 19-0 record in NFL history. (Wait I thought the Patriots.. oh yeah..)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>5) Team lomanto (Chester):</strong>&nbsp;After making a run to the championship game last year, Chester comes into this season with his work cut out for him. It’s safe to say that Mikey put together a strong team this year, with the lack of an impact RB offset by the sheer amount of St Louis Rams on the roster. Aside from all that, he was the first one in the draft to get his head out of his ass and draft a defense, although it was about 10 rounds too late. Although Peyton will likely be living in his brother’s shadow this season, he’s still in line to put up a very strong campaign, and of course AJ Green is a stud. Look for the core of Rams players to come together and lead yet another charge into the playoffs.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: The Seahawks D doesn’t allow any points all year… except for 10 LEG-a-tron field goals.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>6) Conky and Co.(Vose):</strong>&nbsp;This team looks scary with plenty of strong options between the backs and receivers. I’m not concerned about Beast Mode or MJD, Thomas proved to be a stud last season, and then there’s Gronk who is sure to make an impact later in the year. However, we all know about that adjustment period that teams go through when they transition to a new system. Ever since Lamby announced his retirement last season, there have been plenty of question marks surrounding this team. Will they be able to get it done without Lamby at the helm? My guess is, eh, maybe.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: Team Vose is left without a QB after Tony Romo finally commits suicide, sending his season into shambles.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>7) Nomsayin, Seemsayin? (Shaun):</strong>&nbsp;Plenty of risk on this team, but even more reward. The talent is definitely there, and I really like what new Head Coach Billy Baker brings to the table. This is my sleeper team for sure, these guys are dangerous.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: LeSean McCoy breaks all four limbs and both testicles against the Giants in week 5, leaving Bryce Brown to carry this fantasy team into the playoffs.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>8) Marco (Team name TBD):</strong>&nbsp;I know this team should be higher, and it would be if it weren’t for the compelling story lines of the teams above. What good are rankings anyway if the teams with the better story lines aren’t placed closer to the top? Anyway, Marco’s draft strategy was clear: get the best kicker and defense possible. With 2012’s best fantasy kicker and defense on the roster, I don’t see too many other teams outscoring these guys.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: After Christian Ponder sucks again, Blair Walsh takes over under center in Minnesota, ushering in a new era of dual-threat QB/kickers and fantasy football gods.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>9) Rams Johnson in Little Brown Hole (Joe):</strong>&nbsp;The roster looks good top to bottom, with a combination of solid production and high upside. However, I can’t read or understand or make any real sense of this team name, leaving me no choice but to rank Joe’s squad very low.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Update: Joe changed his team name to a crude anal-sex reference, causing me to leave him in the same spot in the rankings.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Not-Bold</strong>&nbsp;prediction: “Kaepernick” is one of the most frequently used terms on SportsCenter over the next 4-5 months.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>10) Tim Tebow and the Bible Huggers (Ian):</strong>&nbsp;To be honest, I didn’t even look at this roster when making my judgment; the horrible team name is all I needed to see. Ian, please clean up your act and show some respect for this league by removing any association that your team has with Tim Tebow. Maybe then I will consider ranking you higher. You would’ve been last if it weren’t for these next two teams.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: Tim Tebow is incriminated as an accomplice of Aaron Hernandez, and is finally removed from ESPN fantasy football.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>11) J-RoC ft. Slimm SHADYY! (Bernt):</strong>&nbsp;There are some really good players on the team between Wilson, Nicks, and the defense, but LeSean McCoy fucking blows. Trade him to Pat while you still can. This same exact team without LeSean McCoy would’ve placed much, much higher.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold prediction: LeSean McCoy is traded to Pat in the preseason for Aaron Rodgers and cash considerations, sending Brent’s team shooting up the rankings.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>12) Chalupa Batman (Jack):</strong>&nbsp;Where do I even begin? Everyone knows that Cam Newton is a terrible QB. Steve Smith was good in like.. 2003. Don’t even get me started on the Patriots’ Defense either. I don’t know what to say, how could a rational human being draft such a disgraceful group of players? Every time I look at this team I want to vomit. Mundane Randy material for sure.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Bold Prediction: Thanks to Jack’s help in week one, I take home this year’s Aaron Hernandez Award with a 74 point margin of victory.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">There you have it. I’ll come out with an updated version after week one, but the top three teams definitely aren’t going anywhere.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Power Rankings criteria: 35% Team name, 35% team owner, 5% players on roster, 25% random. 100% bias.</em></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins With the 2013 GFFL draft completed, lets take a look at how the league stacks up against future champion Pat Kennedy. 1) Say No To Drug ..Tests (Pat Kennedy):&nbsp;From the moment the first pick was in, you couldn’t help but get that feeling that Pat’s 2013 squad was in line [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2016-09-09T19:38:00-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Rivalry Week
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dirty &#8220;Stupid&#8221; Pedro @ H.S. Jack &#8220;PantsPisser&#8221; Pierreson</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Overview:</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I think it&#8217;s safe to say that nobody will be paying attention to this&nbsp;week 1 snooze-fest. The only reason this is a &#8220;rivalry&#8221; is because these are two of the worst franchises in league history. There have been eight seasons of the GFFL, and neither of these owners have a single piece of hardware to show for them. Move along folks; nothing to see here.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Prediction: 50-47 Jack</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Jack narrowly squeaks by in this thriller. Half of the players on each team suffer injuries, and the rest of the league writes these squads off &#8211; just as they do at the start of every&nbsp;season.&nbsp;Stupid Pedro&nbsp;drinks too much while watching Sunday RedZone and pisses the bed, causing these teams&#8217; week 12 re-match to be dubbed &#8220;The BedWetter Bowl.&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Brent &#8220;Peace&#8221; Big Baby Bernt @ Patrick &#8220;Jesse&#8221; James Kennedy</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Overview:</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The&nbsp;commissioner really could have paired anybody against Pat and called it a rivalry, since everybody hates him. I think this works though; I&#8217;m guessing he&nbsp;was playing the&nbsp;Pizza Joint angle when coming up with this one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As we all know, Bernt upped and moved to Tibet, so they won&#8217;t be able to continue this rivalry in person. Hopefully Bernt has success in his new life as a hunter-gatherer,&nbsp;and ultimately finds an internet connection so he can continue to set his lineups&nbsp;and post to the weekly Smack Board.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Prediction: 160-103 Pat</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This prediction was submitted by Pat.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Joe &#8220;Dirty Cheater&#8221; La Porta, Son of Mike @ Mike &#8220;ASS Beater&#8221; La Porta, Father of Joe</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Overview:&nbsp;</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe has won the league twice in a row. Joe beat Mike in the Super Bowl last season. Joe is Mike&#8217;s son.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike has never won the league. He even lost to Joe in the Super Bowl last season. Mike is Joe&#8217;s dad.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This is easily the most clear-cut rivalry in the league. It may even be the fiercest. I think we can all agree that we feel bad for Dottie on this upcoming Sunday.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Predicti</em>on<em>:&nbsp;Joe out-scores Mike by 1</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Joe is a dirty fucking cheater and will find a way to win this one, despite Mike&#8217;s 30 point performance from his man-crush, CJ Anderson.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Shaun &#8220;Crack Rock&#8221; Anich @ Vinny &#8220;First to Draft a Defense&#8221;&nbsp;</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Overview:</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This rivalry, often referred to as &#8220;The Boston AIDS Party,&#8221; is also one of the most recognizable in the league. Shaun and Vinny grew up only a few houses away from each other &#8211; often experimenting and acting on their bi-curious urges. These days, they&#8217;re both citizens of Boston, where they will continue to carry on their rivalry and confusing relationship for years to come.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Prediction: ?????</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I&#8217;m honestly running out of predictions here. I don&#8217;t have a clue what I&#8217;m talking about.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Chester &#8220;team&#8221; lomanto @ Nate &#8220;Coughlin&#8217;s Cock Stinks Like&#8221; Shit</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Overview:</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I think we&#8217;re all left scratching our heads on this one.&nbsp;How is this even a rivalry? This makes me think that &#8220;Rivalry Week&#8221; is a gimmick and a cash-grab; yet another money-motivated maneuver for the mysterious Commissioner&nbsp;Close. It&#8217;s only a matter of time before he is driven out of office by the players union, or simply killed by one of the owners.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Prediction:&nbsp;</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">No &#8211; I gave up on the predictions. This whole thing is a joke &#8211; this&nbsp;<em>league&nbsp;</em>is a joke. Until a new commissioner is appointed, I refuse to cover this league any further. Fuck you Matt.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I guess I&#8217;ll pick Chester because he already had Kelvin Benjamin.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Originally published by Philadelphia Collins Dirty &#8220;Stupid&#8221; Pedro @ H.S. Jack &#8220;PantsPisser&#8221; Pierreson Overview: I think it&#8217;s safe to say that nobody will be paying attention to this&nbsp;week 1 snooze-fest. The only reason this is a &#8220;rivalry&#8221; is because these are two of the worst franchises in league history. There have been eight seasons of [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-03T22:02:45-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: 2019 Draft Details Announced
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The GFFL officially announced their draft details this morning at their annual father-son breakfast.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“Tractor is dead ass gay,” said Mike Anich. “He sucks a wang with the best of them.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While it wasn’t news that Rock enjoys cock, there were a few surprising details revealed during the event. For the past several weeks, the league has been divided on the issue of draft location.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“All I want to say is that I’m a massive Trump supporter,” said league member Patrick Kennedy, “And I’d rather die than participate in a draft hosted in a liberal fuckhole like Saratoga Springs, NY.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Other league members shared differing opinions.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I’d rather do it in Saratoga probably,” said Randy. “Fuck if I know.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I’ve never once attended the draft,” shared league out-of-Towner Vinny Mosconi. “Why are you even asking me? Get the fuck out of here.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">For the past four years, the GFFL has hosted their draft at 200 Hillview Road, home of local cat abuser William Close.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I just installed these brand new ceiling fans,” said Bill, when asked about the event. “I’d really like to put them to use.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I don’t give a shit what he does with his cats,” said Mike La Porta. “I like drafting at Bill’s. I got my sheets, I got my e-cig, and I’m taking Mark Ingram in round 2.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Although the draft location has been the same for several years in a row, the recent change-of-address by league headquarters has prompted swirling rumors about the draft following suit.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“He better not change the fucking draft,” said local farmer and league member Mike Lomanto. “This league is a joke; it’s a complete disgrace, and it all starts at the top with our dictator.” Chester later continued, “if Hitler, Stalin, and Stupid were all in a room and I only had two bullets, id shoot Stupid twice.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Tension was thick when league commissioner Matt “Stupid” “Pedro” “Hitler” Close took to the stage to announce the details of this years draft. Most in the crowd expected the commissioner to come to a decision that had the best interests of the league in mind.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">“I honestly don’t give a fuck about any of you,” said the commissioner. “If I want to have the draft in Saratoga, I’ll have it in Saratoga, because I make the decisions and there’s nothing you can do about it. Luckily I’m going to that party in Gloversville the day before, so whatever, we can have the draft there.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">After Commissioner Stupid was booed off the stage, the event promptly ended.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We’re all looking forward to another shitty season from Marco.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>The GFFL officially announced their draft details this morning at their annual father-son breakfast. “Tractor is dead ass gay,” said Mike Anich. “He sucks a wang with the best of them.” While it wasn’t news that Rock enjoys cock, there were a few surprising details revealed during the event. For the past several weeks, the [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-10T19:38:29-04:00
author: mclose12cd85c84819
title: Prop Bets: Week 1
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Good morning. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As the sun rises on the 2020 fantasy football season, I&#8217;d like to take a moment to reflect on 2019, and to recognize the current champion of the GFFL, Pedro Degassi. Not only is he an excellent commissioner, overseeing the <em>premier </em>fantasy football league of Fulton County NY, but he has also established himself as the GFFL&#8217;s current best player with back-to-back trips to the finals. When you consider the fierce competition that the GFFL has to offer, with the likes of Eric Lucas and Popey Crenshaw, that&#8217;s really saying something. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Let&#8217;s move on. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">First things first, I should introduce myself, since this is my first post and nobody knows who I am. My name is Carlos Commasheen. I used to be a third string RB for the Jags, but was violently raped by Nick Foles on his first day at the team facility last season. Within 10 minutes of entering the building, he had entered me, and my life was forever altered (mainly the area around my anus). The damage was too gruesome to be handled with stitches, so now I pretty much hang loosely down there and constantly shit myself. Needless to say, I&#8217;m back in diapers for the first time in three years. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With football off the table as a career, I decided to turn to one of my long-time passions: writing. At first it was tough to find a serious gig, and I bounced around covering things like fly fishing, pinochle, and NASCAR. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">One night while I was having dinner with Foles (we reconciled a few minutes after the rape and remain good friends/lovers), he mentioned a potential opportunity for me. Apparently his friend and former teammate Dallas Goedert ran into famous GFFL owner Patrick Kennedy while vacationing in the Adirondacks, and somehow found himself sharing a dinner table with him that evening <em>(According to Foles, whenever him and Goedert are watching the GFFL box scores and Pat puts up points, he screams &#8220;I WENT TO DINNER WITH THAT GUY!&#8221; How fucking annoying is that? Dallas Goedert has such a pathetic fucking life that he has to constantly remind his friends that he went to dinner with Patrick Kennedy? The guy is like the equivalent of a backup TE in the GFFL when you consider how fucking shitty and useless he is as an owner. Give me a break)</em>. After a few drinks and some laughs, Kennedy mentioned that the GFFL website was in search of writers, and Foles threw my name in the ring. Long story short, here I am. I feel blessed that I can marry my love of writing with my love of football, all thanks to my love of Nick Foles&#8217; massive cock. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">So sit back and strap one on, because I&#8217;ll be here providing my analysis and insight for the duration of the GFFL season. Let&#8217;s jump right in. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">My first attempt at a weekly column (I say this because I seriously doubt I&#8217;m going to give a shit by this time next week) is going to be a breakdown of some prop bets that you should be looking into. Vegas puts out hundreds of GFFL props per week, but the few I&#8217;ve highlighted below represent an opportunity to make some serious money. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Over/Under Domestic Abuse Arrests: 3.5</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When looking at potential domestic abuse cases, there are two things to consider: </p>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li>Owners with shitty teams</li><li>Owners who will be watching football within punching distance of a significant other</li></ol>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While criteria 1 encompasses most of the league, criteria 2 is a shorter list. Overall there are four teams that fit both criteria: Randy, Jack, Mike, and Pat. I have no reason to believe that any of these teams will have a good week, and also have no reason to believe that any of these guys have the decency to not beat the shit out of their women when things turn sour. Give me the <strong>OVER.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Over/Under highest Week 1 waiver claim: $450.50</strong> <strong>(BONUS PROP: Owner that makes highest claim)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Every year, someone drops some serious cash on the prime week 1 waiver target. Last year, Tractor laid claim to Scary Terry McLaurin with an appropriate bid of $420 (honorable mentions go to Nate who dropped $200 on Jordan Reed before the season even started, and Randy who wasted $358 on Danny Amendola. Great fucking insight, Randy. No, really, pat yourself on the back for that one). In 2017, Rock Anich was once again at the top, spending his entire budget on Tarik Cohen. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The line is tough on this one, but I&#8217;m going<strong> OVER. </strong>I think we&#8217;re due for a bigger bid than last year, and with the lack of preseason, I think there are some ambiguous situations around the league that week 1 will shine a light on. Players are going to emerge that we haven&#8217;t been talking about, and I think the week 1 waiver wire is going to be a bloodbath as a result. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">BONUS: The obvious answer to the bonus bet is <strong>ROCK. </strong>He has a history of blowing his load immediately, and is also known to spend most of his FAAB after the first week. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Over/Under times that PK tries to defend his draft picks when they have shitty games</strong>:&#8230;.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Stop right there &#8211; the line doesn&#8217;t matter. HAMMER the <strong>OVER.</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">&#8220;He was 4th in red zone targets last year against AFC West teams though!!&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">&#8220;Do you realize how many line-adjusted rushing yards he produces?&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">&#8220;He&#8217;s like top 3 in targets among TE and Eagles receivers are trash!&#8221;(Actual message received while writing this article)</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">&#8220;I went out to dinner with that guy, gave him a handy under the dinner table, and then I got to watch him titty-fuck my girlfriend!&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">You get it. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Last player to change their team name</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The obvious answer is <strong>Chester</strong>, but unfortunately this bet will not pay out, because Mike has joined Chester in the &#8220;never change my team name because I can&#8217;t think of anything new and also don&#8217;t care because I know that my best chance to win the league already came and went and I&#8217;d rather live in the past with my old shitty team name than think of something new and move forward&#8221; club. Since at least two teams will have the same name all year, this bet is technically going to expire without a &#8220;last&#8221; team to make the change. Skip this one and move on. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Will someone start a Thursday player in their FLEX slot this week?</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Nobody is that retarded. Wait, hold on. It actually appears that Marco is still in the league (who the fuck knew that?), so we&#8217;re going to go with <strong>YES</strong> on this bet. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">(Editor&#8217;s note: At the time of writing, the Thursday game has yet to kickoff, and Marco actually does have Will Fuller in his flex). </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Non-prop bet of the week: Pat (-112.5) @ Pookie</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Don&#8217;t overthink this one &#8211; when you see 112.5, you don&#8217;t bet against it. Until you finish reading the line and you realize that Vegas fucked up big time. It would take at least 200 points for me to risk my hard-earned money on Pookie. It pains me to say this, but give me <strong>Pat</strong> all day. Foles and Goedert will love this one.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That&#8217;s all for this week. To my own surprise I actually finished this article in time for Thursday Night kickoff, so I&#8217;m going to go get fucking wasted with Nick. See everyone on the other side of Week 1.  </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>Carlos Commasheen lives at home with his partner, Nick Foles</em>,<em> and their two synthetic adopted children, Frank and Gus.</em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"> </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"> </p>

excerpt:
  <p>Good morning. As the sun rises on the 2020 fantasy football season, I&#8217;d like to take a moment to reflect on 2019, and to recognize the current champion of the GFFL, Pedro Degassi. Not only is he an excellent commissioner, overseeing the premier fantasy football league of Fulton County NY, but he has also established [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-10T16:56:24-04:00
author: Harrison Horsecock
title: 2020 GFFL Draft Analysis
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em>(Editor&#8217;s note: Harrison Horsecock apparently felt that he was too important to write an introduction or lead-in article.) </em></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Pedro:</strong> It was only fitting for Pedro “Stupid” “Adolf” “Cock Nose” “Matthew” Close to award himself first pick of the 2020 draft after awarding himself the 2019 league championship in what will forever be considered the most suspect year in league history. That being said, after seeing his draft this year, I can see how he needed 12 years to win a chip. His team looks like it was drafted by James Terranova (if James had smoked 4 grams of bath salts just prior to the start, that is). After drafting Christian McCaffrey first overall by some miracle, “Scummy P” decided to draft every scummy player that fell to him in the following rounds. Players like Deebo “Scummin” Samuel, Sterling “Scum” Shepard, and of course “Scummy Scary” Terry McLaurin will inevitably find themselves on the waiver wire or offered in trades for better players Scummy “P” would prefer to have. Expect to see the “commissioner” in the 2020 Mundane Randy. <strong>Final draft grade: D+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Rock: </strong>You don’t need to look at Rock’s draft to know he was stoned for it, but if you do look at it, you’ll probably get contact high. Initially you’ll probably notice that he was the first team to take a tight end (sorry Scones), but upon further inspection you’ll also notice that he was the last team to take a wide receiver when he took Stefon Diggs in the 5th round. Friends and league members quoted Rock as stating he “wasn’t aware wide receivers would be such a highly targeted position this year,” when they asked him about his bold strategy. I would&#8217;ve asked him for his comment myself, however Rock has not been seen or heard from since he ran out of pot and left mid-draft. Anyone with information on his whereabouts is encouraged to contact his friends, family, league members, or 1-800-THE-LOST. <strong>Final draft grade: C</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>PK:</strong> When Saquon Barkley fell to PK with the third pick, we all thought it might finally be his year. But in the most PK move of all time, he drafted Zach Ertz in the 4th round, which reminded us that he is still indeed Pat Kennedy and it will most definitely not be his year. That&#8217;s bad news and a big bummer for PK, good news for us, but overall this is one more team in the GFFL league owners will not have to worry about in 2020. Expect another typical PK finish of second place in the Mundane Randy bracket. <strong>Final draft grade: D+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Randy Fatnuts:</strong> From an outsider’s perspective, you might think this league is just Mrs. Nares’ class attempting to draft fantasy football teams. That is, until you get to the Alleged Abusers. Clearly the best team in the league from top to bottom, league members should sleep like WWAD at Pedro’s (in fear) whichever week(s) they play this team. Expect Leonard Fournette to repeat his 2019 numbers with the Bucs, the Steelers D/ST to be the best D/ST in fantasy history on their way to a seventh Super Bowl victory, and for the Alleged abusers to win it all again in 2020. <strong>Final draft grade: B+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Scones:</strong> Perhaps the biggest surprise of the draft was when Vinny passed on Derek Henry in the first round to draft Michael Thomas. Passed on SCONES HENRY for MIKEY MUFFINS. SCONES passed on SCONES for MUFFINS?! That shit don’t fly in GFFL, and for that, 2020 will not be Vinny’s year. The switch up will be good enough to also switch things up in the GFFL, however, and get Vinny into the playoffs this year. Unfortunately, a round 1 victory and semifinals loss is all this squad can hope to achieve this season. <strong>Final draft grade: D-</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Marco: </strong>In one of the other surprising moments of the draft, Marco was the first to arrive for the second straight year. Even more surprising is the fact that Marco’s draft is actually not bad. A lot of stock invested in the aging Tom Brady could prove to be more disastrous than 9/11 (19 years tomorrow, never forget), but could also pay off more than a bet with Marco. Who knows? One thing is for sure, too much stock invested in the cursed Antonio Brown will surely prove to be detrimental to Marco and his season. After narrowly missing the playoffs in week 13, expect to see Marco’s ragtag bunch of semen slurpers put up the best 3 scores of the season for any team each of the following 3 weeks. Everybody get ready for a bucket of chicken! <strong>Final draft grade: C+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>HSJ:</strong> Speaking of disasters, we have Jack. And don’t even get me started on his draft. It’s clear that Jack didn’t learn much at home school, and even more clear that fantasy football wasn’t part of the curriculum (and that he should have been on United Airlines Fight 175). The worst thing is, his draft was somehow better than the drafts of the other inbred sloth offspring that make up this league. Sure, it’s easy to pick holes in his team with Matt Stafford and Jonnu Smith both starting, but the rest of the team is as solid as a bridge made of balsa wood. Barring any injuries, suspensions, detentions, or two hour delays for his limited receiving corps, Jack may just return to the championship again in 2020, only to lose to the Alleged Abusers in a similar fashion to the great championship of 2017. But that’s best case scenario for this bunch. <strong>Final draft grade: C+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Chester: Final draft grade: F</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dogger: </strong>With his priorities clearly out of order, Nate Dogg returned to the 518 for the 2020 Jack Off on Saturday, but left prior to the start of the 2020 GFFL Draft on Sunday. Maybe he was tired from looking for his shots in the woods all day, or maybe he thought the 2020 Jack Off was going to be something completely different and left in shame and disappointment. Nobody knows for sure except John John, but what we do all know is that Nate’s draft went down hill as soon as he drafted OBJ. If the 2020 championship were a hot chick at a bar, Nate Dogg had her in the bag; but left early to go jack off. Expect an early finish from Nate’s team this season. <strong>Final draft grade: C-</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Pookie:</strong> If Pedro’s team looks like it was drafted by James Terranova after smoking 4 grams of bath salts, Pookie’s team looks like it was drafted by Pookie after smoking 4 grams of bath salts…which is somehow significantly worse. With the 10th overall pick and his first of the 2020 GFFL Draft, Pookie decided it would be a good time to snag Jonathan Taylor, back up running back for the Indianapolis Colts. Needless to say, league members were shocked, considering his backup status and the fact that Taylor was drafted 41st overall at the 2020 NFL Rookie draft. Despite this, Pookie swore he had a plan. It is unknown if that plan included the hamstring injury likely to keep his second pick, Mike Evans, sidelined during week 1. Although Pookie reached for the overwhelming majority of his picks, there was one bright spot when he drafted CeeDee Lamb about where he should have. Thanks to that, don’t be surprised if you see Pookie scum a win in the Mundane Randy against the scum-master himself, Pedro. <strong>Final draft grade: Z+?</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mr. Ass:</strong> Ass is right. Much like Pookie, Mike also decided to completely take a shit on his draft in the first round (probably why they look alike) when he drafted a quarterback. Unlike Pookie, however, Mike’s team actually resembles something of a valid and startable fantasy football team. That being said, Mike will still have more work cut out for him than he has WR’s in shaky, questionable situations (which is all of them). Due to the lack of solid Wide Receivers, expect Mike to be running back to the Mundane Randy bracket this year. <strong>Final draft grade: C-</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>JOE!:</strong> Last and least, we have Joe. Clearly the team with the most talent at the WR position, Joe obviously wasn’t smoking any of the joints Rock was passing around to league members during the draft. Perhaps a notoriously skilled fantasy football owner, perhaps an even more notorious gambler, Joe put all of his marbles in the Todd Gurley basket this year. You don’t have to ask Chester or the Rams to know how that goes. However, if it does pay off, expect Joe to have a top 75% team in 2020, possibly losing to the Alleged Abusers in the Championship if he can edge past Jack in the semi-finals. A traditional season for a traditional force in this league. <strong>Final draft grade: C+</strong></p>

excerpt:
  <p>(Editor&#8217;s note: Harrison Horsecock apparently felt that he was too important to write an introduction or lead-in article.) Pedro: It was only fitting for Pedro “Stupid” “Adolf” “Cock Nose” “Matthew” Close to award himself first pick of the 2020 draft after awarding himself the 2019 league championship in what will forever be considered the most [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-11T07:18:22-04:00
author: Praise John John
title: Week 1 DGB
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Hello and welcome to the GFFL DGB (Degenerate Gambling Breakdown). This will be the weekly breakdown of all the matchups and best bets of the week. Along with any other nonsense that comes up between now and when we put lil Stalin back in his place as the mundane subpar fantasy player that he truly is. Just a quick introduction, I am the only non Gloversville Enlarged School district graduate in the league. Unlike our wannabe Stalin of a leader, and the majority of the rest of you scrubs, I have never been Mundane Randy. I am the 2017 GFFL winner, and have been to the championship but came up short (story of my life) in two of the last three years.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the first matchup of the year, we have 2018 champ Nathan “Dogger” “8Ball” “Dirtnap Dogger” Mcgregor vs. the 2014 &amp; 2015 champion Joe “Squanto” La Porta. Injury wise, Miles Sanders and DeVante Parker are both questionable coming into the matchup, so we will have to see how that plays out. ESPN currently has Dogger as a 4.5 point favorite, and although his draft was done while driving, it still turned out better than some of the people actually present (even if they were late to the draft). I think Joe’s wide receivers will carry him considering they have very friendly matchups to open the year. I would take the underdog here, especially considering all of Nate’s team is on the road except for his defense. Also, I am fond of Joe’s new team name. Some of his finer work.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the second matchup we have the Mike showdown. The most senior member of the league, Mike “Mr. Ass” La Porta, against known molester Mike “Chester” “Cmoglock” “Copperpots” Lomanto. It&#8217;s almost a dead even matchup, but Cmoglock is currently a 0.4 point favorite. Chester’s team comes in fully healthy and ready to start the season off hot, but he&#8217;s relying on a couple of Rams players which I’m sure is a shock to everyone in the league. The much more shocking roster item of note in this matchup is Mike’s lack of Falcons players outside of TE Hayden Hurst. I think the line is accurate unlike most of ESPN’s analysis, but I lean towards &#8216;Moville today, Hoville tomorrow&#8217; Chester MoGlock due to his WR depth and lack of injury concerns.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The third matchup of the week pits OJ Simpsons biggest Twitter fan Shaun “Rock” “Tractor” Anich against Randy “Boosh” “Boosh Fatnuts” “The Mayor” “Dom Mazzetti wannabe” Tagliatela. Shaun was the 2009 league champion, but that was so long ago that we we may have actually been using punters at that point. Mr. Fatnuts is the 2017 champion and hasn’t made the playoffs ever since. Some may even say he&#8217;s a one hit wonder and not capable of managing a team in a league of this level. Randy single-handedly gifted lil Stalin the championship last year after trading him Chris Godwin and Tyler Lockett for a week-old bag of trash. The line is Boosh by 2.2 points, which might surprise some people after reading Harrison Horsecock’s breakdown of the draft. Some may also say that Harrison is biased and is probably getting high on the great state of New York’s taxpayers dime. Randy will need the DJ’s to carry him to victory this week, but then again the Steelers&#8217; D will probably be his best player since they are going against the sad sack of shit organization that is the New York Football Giants. Rock just needs his young wide receiver corps to meet expectations and let Lamar and Zeke do their thing. Take Rock here; once he smokes enough, the correct roster moves will come to him like a blunt in the night.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next we have Marco “Crenshaw” “Schwed” DeLilli doing the work of the non-fascists of the world against Matthew “lil Stalin” “Hitler” “Il Duce” “Stupid” “Stupid Fucking Pedro” “SFP”  Close. SFP may have won the league last yea, but it was under some shady behavior that somehow landed him elite wide receivers in a forced trade. Marco is a two-time Mundane Randy victor and Matt is also a former Mundane Randy bum. Pedro comes in at a 5.7 point favorite, and Marco does have an injury concern with stud wide receiver Courtland Sutton holding a questionable tag coming into the week. In a shocking turn of events, Brandon Cooks, who SFP didn’t even want to draft but did anyway, is hurt as well. We don’t call him Stupid for nothing kids. Matt is sure to start making some scummy moves soon, but luckily he has a very favorable matchup with perennial bottom-tier owner Schwed. Somehow Cren managed a decent team, and the bad news for Pedro is that Marco hasn’t had time to mangle this roster yet. Take the dog and put your 401k on Mr. DeLilli.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Next we have the most lopsided matchup of the week, which I think will be a theme throughout the year for the lucky members of the league who get to face Eric “Pookie” “Chu Bear” Lucas. This week, his lucky opponent is Patrick “Pk” “PK24 Kid” “Eyes” Kennedy. At a quick glance, something must be wrong with PK as he&#8217;s only starting two Eagles right now. I&#8217;m sure he will fix that by Sunday. Even more surprising on the homer front is Pookie only starting one Steeler (who is now questionable). I also forgot to mention that Pk is a 10 point favorite, and I don’t think that&#8217;s a big enough margin. Pk is the 2011 champion (I am sure that everyone has heard about drafting cam Newton in the 13<sup>th</sup> round, blah blah blah), and Pookie actually didn’t win a single game and got kicked out of the league at one point, but we were desperate a couple years ago and he was the only one who was willing to donate $100 to the league fund. Both are actually Mundane Randy winners as well, with PK actually winning it the year after his great draft and championship. Just take PK; there isn’t much to analyze here. Pookie couldn’t take a white guy as his first pick, so it threw his whole draft off.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Lastly we have two time league winner Vinny “ Scones” Mosconi vs Jack “Homeschool” Vandenabeele, the 2017 league champion and zero-time Mundane randy winner. This is actually the second biggest point spread with Scones being an 8.4-point favorite. I personally am still in shock over the first 4 rounds of Vinny’s draft. Not taking a TE and passing on Scones Henry threw the whole league into a tizzy. Both teams come into the matchup healthy and ready to go, but without Henry, Gronk, and Scones Parker, who will carry Vin to victory? I am very biased, but I am also worried about this matchup because Mikey Muffins, Jacobs, and Andrews all have good matchups. In Clyde, WWAD WWAD and Staffy I trust, but 8.4 is a lot to overcome. Take scones, dip them in your tea, and call it a day.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Best bet of the week</strong>:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">You should probably bet against Pookie every week, especially the week his first round pick is still a backup, and his second round pick has a hamstring that is holding on for dear life (similar to the chu bear&#8217;s hairline).</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Surprise bet of the week</strong>:</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Throw some units towards Schwed. Like I said above, he hasn’t had a chance to screw this roster up yet, and his draft was better than most.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Good luck to everyone this year except for Scummy Stalin himself.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">J.J.C</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Hello and welcome to the GFFL DGB (Degenerate Gambling Breakdown). This will be the weekly breakdown of all the matchups and best bets of the week. Along with any other nonsense that comes up between now and when we put lil Stalin back in his place as the mundane subpar fantasy player that he truly [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-14T18:29:28-04:00
author: Harrison Horsecock
title: Week 2 Waiver Wire Targets
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><br>Every year, hundreds and hundreds of players manage to fall through the cracks and off the radars of even the greatest fantasy football professionals. So it should come as no surprise that the inbred mouth breathing members of the GFFL (Fulton County’s premier fantasy football league) can’t manage to predict every breakout player either. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Hey gang, six time cock push up world champion (2008 &#8211; 2012, 2019) and PGA amateur star Harry HorseCock here with some Week 2 waiver wire targets you won’t believe went undrafted! Whether you’re looking to stash a sleeper like Bill Cosby or exterminate your entire squad like Pedro “Adolf” Close, I’ve got the picks for you! Cause either way, <em>someone’s</em> getting boned! Let’s dive in!</p>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>RB &#8211; Peyton Barber &#8211; WSH</strong> &#8211; I know what you’re thinking: There’s no way he’s available, he had to be starting in <em>SOMEONE’S</em> lineup this week, nobody is <em>that</em> dumb to leave Barber unstarted. But believe it or not, Peyton Barber <em>is</em> available in the GFFL. And boy, did he make league owners pay for not starting him. Barber is coming off a 2 TD Week 1 which saw him absolutely gash the feeble and weak Eagles defense for a whopping 29 yards on just 17 carries, as well as completely annihilate league owner Patrick Kennedy’s asshole (the latter being in a non-fantasy football related incident). Although he holds no value as a receiver (or runner), league owners should immediately spend at least half of their budget to roster and start Barber for the remainder of the year and never look back. Enjoy winning the league if you’re the lucky owner that steals this waiver wire lottery pick! <strong>FAAB: $500 or 50%</strong> (and even that is probably undervaluing Barber)</li><li><strong>RB &#8211; JaMycal Hasty &#8211; SF</strong> &#8211; Relegated to a role on the practice squad, Hasty finished the day Sunday with as many points as living female sexual partners that league owners Eric “Pookie” Lucas, Chester Lomanto, and Jack Vandenabeele have had in their lives combined. Despite being held scoreless through his career, it’s obvious what Hasty brings to the table for fantasy owners (which is more than can be said about Pookie, Chester, and Jack, unfortunately). He’s not going to add a lot of value in the rushing or receiving phases of the game, but the acquisition of Hasty will immediately improve any owner’s team name. So much so that owners will want to spend roughly a fifth of their budget to secure the rookie running back. <strong>FAAB: $200 or 20%</strong></li><li><strong>WR/RB &#8211; Kenny Golladay, Le’Veon Bell, Brandin Cooks, Bryan Edwards, &amp; “Scummy Scary” Terry McLaurin &#8211; Multiple Teams</strong> &#8211; That’s right folks, coming in as my number three Week 2 waiver wire target, we have the entire Scum Squad! Don’t let the names fool you &#8211; these players are as scummy as they come. Although they aren’t currently available at the time of writing, just know that after combining for 23.6 points in Week 1, they’ll surely be available come Wednesday morning. But before you go breaking your budget, ask yourself these three crucial questions: Does Pedro want me to be happy and successful? Why would he drop such big name players? And doesn’t he usually like having five large black penises shoved into his orifice’s simultaneously? The answer to those questions in order are no; because he wants you to waste your precious FAAB on useless players he himself would prefer to replace; and definitely. But unfortunately for Pedro, these large black penises and his orifices are strictly literal-metaphorical (and also much more on the small end of the spectrum as opposed to large). Trust me gang, this bunch is only worth about 10% of your budget, and that&#8217;s <em>only</em> if they’re packaged together. <strong>FAAB: 0 &#8211; $100 or 0 &#8211; 10%</strong> (pending a package deal)</li></ol>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As an added bonus, I’m going to pepper in the two players most likely to be claimed off of the majority of waiver wires that I believe should be avoided AT ALL COSTS. Because sometimes, saving that FAAB and passing up on the <em>wrong</em> player is just as valuable as claiming the <em>right</em> player!</p>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>WR &#8211; Braxton Berrios &#8211; NYJ</strong> &#8211; An intriguing post-hype sleeper, Berrios is still available in the GFFL, as well as 100% of ESPN leagues at the time of writing. After a solid benching in Week 1 that saw Berrios see 0 targets on the way to 0 points, it’s no wonder league owners across the globe are frantically scrambling to add the second year speedster. But if you slow down and take a closer look at Berrios, you’ll see that he only has as many career receptions as league owners Marco DeLilli, Shaun “Rock” Anich, and Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela have each drank gallons of camel cum, which is of course, 6. As we all know, if there’s one thing that’s king in fantasy football, it’s <em>volume</em>. And due to the lack of volume of targets in the passing game as well as a lack of penis volume from being white, you can safely pass on Braxton Berrios this week and the remainder of the season&#8230; Until he sees an uptick in targets or becomes black, that is*.</li><li><strong>WR &#8211; Olamide Zaccheaus &#8211; ATL</strong> &#8211; You’re probably sick of hearing the name by now. If you own a television set, a smart phone, or a computer, chances are you’ve heard the name Olamide Zaccheaus at least a few dozen times. And rightfully so, as the second year pro finds himself firmly at the bottom of the Falcons depth chart after narrowly beating out undrafted rookie Chris Rowland to earn a spot. But if you can manage to see past the hype, you’ll clearly see that Zaccheaus hasn’t caught a pass in 2020. Perhaps even more alarming, Zaccheaus is last in the pecking order for targets in this gifted Falcons offense. Much like Pookie Lucas, Natedogg McGregor, and Joe LaPorta’s lives, Zaccheaus’ ceiling is the basement floor. So unless there’s an injury, save your FAAB and let some other camel cum chugger waste their 20%, Marco.</li></ol>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Before I slap a condom on this article, I’ll blow my load of valuable information on all of you and leave you with one deep sleeper (a&nbsp;<em>fantasy football</em>&nbsp;deep sleeper, sorry Scones). Keep in mind that this is based off of hours and hours of absolutely no research.&nbsp;</p>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>TE &#8211; Mo Alie-Cox &#8211; IND</strong> &#8211; Listen to me: don’t walk, <em>RUN</em> to the waiver wire right now and slap at least a quarter of your FAAB on Alie-Cox. The guy is an absolute animal on the field, and according to league owner Mike LaPorta, he’s “not bad in the sack” either. Huge dong. And it was evident on Sunday, when Alie-Cox quite literally and metaphorically cock-slapped three unnamed Jags defenders on his way to 2 catches for 20 yards. All three defenders are now in the league’s concussion protocol and are each expected to miss 4-6 weeks. It was also reported that one of the three defenders likely developed CTE from the blow. I mean there are horse cocks, and then there’s <em>Mo Alie-Cox</em>. Snag’n’stash him now to the tune of 25% of your FAB and thank me later when he wins you the league. <strong>FAAB: $250 or 25%</strong></li></ol>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That about does it gang &#8211; your 2020 Week 2 waiver wire targets all in one place. If they weren’t listed here, it’s for good reason, and they should be disregarded until further notice. Now Carlos is stopping by for Monday Night Football, and I’ve got a cigar burning, beers to drink, and weed to smoke. Ciao for now.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>About the author:</strong> Harrison HorseCock lives at home in pajamas and filth, and is the former undisputed cock push up champion of the world. From 2008 &#8211; 2012, Harry won five consecutive world championships. After a fleshlight related injury, Harry failed to reach the podium again until he reclaimed the title in 2019, coming from 11 reps behind to win at the buzzer. Immediately following the improbable victory, Harry announced his retirement from the WCPUC (World Cock Push Up Championship). Harry now spends his time as an amateur golfer on the PGA tour, as well as writing articles for the GFFL. He receives little to no recognition for either.&nbsp;</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Every year, hundreds and hundreds of players manage to fall through the cracks and off the radars of even the greatest fantasy football professionals. So it should come as no surprise that the inbred mouth breathing members of the GFFL (Fulton County’s premier fantasy football league) can’t manage to predict every breakout player either. Hey [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-15T09:15:06-04:00
author: Pat Fenis
title: Tuesday Morning Toilet Talk
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When league commissioner Pedró Close asked me (in Spanish) to write a weekly column, I didn’t know what he was saying because I hardly speak any Spanish.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="362" height="320" data-attachment-id="297" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9497/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg" data-orig-size="362,320" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9497" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg?w=362" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg?w=362" alt="" class="wp-image-297" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg 362w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9497.jpg?w=300 300w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 362px) 100vw, 362px" /><figcaption>“She whipped out a dick that was bigger than mine”</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">But after using Google translate and subsequently spending the next 4 hours jerking off to Mexican transgendered pornography, I said “Yes” and began work on my first column.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This column is designed to be read during your first Tuesday bowel movement. I hope to introduce an ever-changing group of segments in an effort to critique the pure idiocy of a once-proud league (which consists of all seasons prior to the “Pat Lee Pussy Stretchers” incident).</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Let’s dive in.</p>



  <p class="has-text-align-left wp-block-paragraph"><strong>OPENING THOUGHTS</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 1 arrived just in time, didn’t it? Lord knows 2020 hasn’t been easy and football has proven a welcome respite. With civil unrest tainting nearly all aspects of this country and the deaths of inspirational black figures such as Kobe Bryant, Chadwick Boseman, and John Thompson, one cant help but ask: What exactly is God’s problem with black people? I for one have a theory: he’s using the systematic elimination of blacks as punishment for our society allowing homosexuality to run rampant.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="809" height="545" data-attachment-id="298" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9498/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg" data-orig-size="809,545" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9498" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg?w=809" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg?w=809" alt="" class="wp-image-298" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg 809w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9498.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 809px) 100vw, 809px" /><figcaption>Some solid points but much debate to still be had</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Now, I know what you’re thinking &#8211; “this escalated from fantasy football column to Klan meeting pretty quickly.”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Well, it all brings me to our first segment.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>MINORITY OF THE WEEK</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="551" height="546" data-attachment-id="287" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9481/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg" data-orig-size="551,546" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9481" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg?w=551" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg?w=551" alt="" class="wp-image-287" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg 551w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9481.jpg?w=300 300w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 551px) 100vw, 551px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This week, the award goes to a ginger headed rapist who’s smirk has brought either joy or sheer terror to each of us depending on how drunk and horny he is.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="739" data-attachment-id="288" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9483/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,858" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9483" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-288" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9483.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>The guy in the middle would have been a better choice</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Widely panned for starting two white pass catchers from his favorite dog shit team this week, there were whispers of systemic oppression coming from the Team Lomanto locker room as camp wound down.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="746" height="1023" data-attachment-id="314" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9501/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg" data-orig-size="1225,1681" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9501" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=746" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=746" alt="" class="wp-image-314" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=746 746w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=109 109w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=219 219w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9501.jpg 1225w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 746px) 100vw, 746px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That is until an undervalued gender-neutral black quarterback was tagged with the start and exploded to lead Chester’s squad in points. Kaepernick who? Finally with Newton we get a black QB who respects our country. Not many of them left and Chester should be glad to own one at a cheap cost.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The end result: Thanksgiving came early for the better of two Mike’s as Mr. Ass was thoroughly stuffed and basted like a turkey. What an absolute mess for Dottie to clean up. Good thing she’s retired.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Quoted after the Patriots game went final, Chester exclaimed, “that gay colored fella can really play!”</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">One minority supporting another. Maybe God isn’t a virulent racist after all. That type of racial camaraderie will earn you this week’s award.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>SCONES AND COFFEE</strong></p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="800" height="533" data-attachment-id="290" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9486/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg" data-orig-size="800,533" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9486" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg?w=800" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg?w=800" alt="" class="wp-image-290" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg 800w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9486.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 800px) 100vw, 800px" /></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We all know Vinny doesn’t draft tight ends like he used to. Life, by definition, is full of ebbs and flows. It would be foolish to expect a man with the fantasy ingenuity of Scones to let us thrust him into a box year after year.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That being said, this weeks Scones Memorial Trophy for most points by a starting tight end goes to&#8230;Scones.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="573" data-attachment-id="291" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9488/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,665" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9488" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-291" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9488.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Turns out you can take the tight end out of the man, but you can’t dislodge the man from the slippery, dripping wet tight end. Mark Andrews came through with 22.8 points to spearhead a winning effort in Week 1.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">And is it any surprise Vinny actually rostered 2 of the top 3 scoring tight ends this week? After a 19+ point outing on MNF, Noah Fant is spurring more questions than answers for Team Scones. Will Vinny return to his roots and roll out a 2 tight end set in Week 2? The anticipation brings back shades of 12/30/06, a day we all remember as the day Saddam Hussein was hung in front of a crowd on global television.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="576" data-attachment-id="292" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9489/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg" data-orig-size="1280,720" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9489" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-292" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9489.jpg 1280w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The world is watching, Scones.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>WEEK 1 POTPOURRI</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="862" height="575" data-attachment-id="293" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9490/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg" data-orig-size="862,575" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9490" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg?w=862" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg?w=862" alt="" class="wp-image-293" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg 862w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9490.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 862px) 100vw, 862px" /><figcaption>Somebody get this guy to a hospital, I think he’s gonna die</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Sam Darnold looks perpetually sick. At least Jay Cutler had diabetes as an excuse. I think Sam Darnold might just have a really shitty immune system.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kyler Murray looks like the mutant offspring of Jimmy Butler and a retarded dwarf.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Adam Gase will be the first coach fired this year, but he will still be hired for 3 more HC jobs before a black guy is hired once.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="598" height="802" data-attachment-id="295" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9494/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg" data-orig-size="598,802" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9494" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg?w=598" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg?w=598" alt="" class="wp-image-295" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg 598w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg?w=112 112w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9494.jpg?w=224 224w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 598px) 100vw, 598px" /><figcaption>Live shot of OBJ about to be shit on, giving his long-standing nickname “The Cleveland Steamer” a whole new meaning</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Is anyone a more obvious candidate for having a scat fetish than Odell Beckham Jr.?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">By which week will the Eagles fire Doug Pederson and bring back Chip Kelly?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kliff Kingsbury will not be fired but he should be for being too hot. It’s only a matter of time before a sexually repressed Cardinals lineman makes him their girlfriend.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Nathan Peterman will have a better fantasy year than Derek Carr.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="833" height="600" data-attachment-id="294" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/usp-nascar-daytona-500-practice-s-car-usa-fl/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg" data-orig-size="833,600" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;2.8&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;NIKON D4S&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;Feb 18, 2017; Daytona Beach, FL, USA; NASCAR Cup Series driver Brad Keselowski looks on during practice for the Daytona 500 at Daytona International Speedway. Mandatory Credit: Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;1487417173&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;Jasen Vinlove&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;195&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;640&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0.00125&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;USP NASCAR: DAYTONA 500-PRACTICE S CAR USA FL&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="USP NASCAR: DAYTONA 500-PRACTICE S CAR USA FL" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="&lt;p&gt;Feb 18, 2017; Daytona Beach, FL, USA; NASCAR Cup Series driver Brad Keselowski looks on during practice for the Daytona 500 at Daytona International Speedway. Mandatory Credit: Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports&lt;/p&gt;
  " data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg?w=833" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg?w=833" alt="" class="wp-image-294" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg 833w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9491.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 833px) 100vw, 833px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Jimmy G looks like he should be way better than he is in the same way Brad Keselowski looks like he should be way shittier than he is.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With all this chatter about the Washington Football team, it’s really the Detroit Lions franchise that should be permanently disbanded.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Giants have a notable slew of receivers with numbers in the 80s that all look and play exactly the same.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="1024" data-attachment-id="300" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/15/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk/img_9499/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg" data-orig-size="1080,1080" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9499" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-300" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9499.jpg 1080w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>I’d probably just kill myself</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">If you were stuck in an elevator with Russell Wilson and Rainn Wilson but only had one bullet, who would you shoot?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>A NOTE ON TEAM NAMES</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Some of you dumb motherfuckers need to get to work on changing your team names ASAP including: 8 ball, Scones, Ass, and Captain Tittybang. How about we put in a teensy weensy bit of effort here, guys.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Alright folks, that’s it for me. Back next week with 2 new segments: <strong>OJ Simpson Dumb Cuck of the Week</strong> and a <strong>Mount Rushmore of the Gayest Mascots.</strong> Until then.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>When league commissioner Pedró Close asked me (in Spanish) to write a weekly column, I didn’t know what he was saying because I hardly speak any Spanish. But after using Google translate and subsequently spending the next 4 hours jerking off to Mexican transgendered pornography, I said “Yes” and began work on my first column. [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2020-09-15T19:50:17-04:00
author: Praise John John
title: Week 1 Degen Pick Results
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dogger vs JOE!</strong>: The pick was Joe behind the logic that he actually cares enough to change his team name, and did a great job on the new one. Result: Joe Won outright.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Mike vs Mike</strong>: The pick was &#8220;Moville today, Hoville tomorrow,&#8221; who was a slight favorite. Chest Daddy covered by 46 points. Hot start for Copperpots.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Rock vs Randy</strong>: The pick was Rock, who was a 2 point underdog. He must have found a blunt that would make Snoop Dogg blush the way he smoked Randy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Schwed vs Stalin</strong>: This one went about how you would expect. Somehow Matt pulled out a Close victory. I think we need some outside monitors to check if scummy is adjusting scores. Either way, the pick was Schwed, and he blew it by less than a point. Classic scum move from a scum commissioner.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>PK vs Pookie</strong>: This one was off to quite the start, as every Colts running back except Pookie&#8217;s first round pick was racking up points. And then it happened: Marlin Mack&#8217;s Achilles decided &#8220;Eric said &#8216;don&#8217;t worry,&#8217; so let me help him out.&#8221; Either way, PK covered the 10-point line.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Scones vs HSJ: </strong>The pick was Scones as a 8 point favorite, and on the back of a tight end performance, he barely covered. Also, on an unrelated note, fuck Josh Jacobs and Adam Thielen.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Check back on Thursday for the week 2 breakdown.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">J.J.C</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Dogger vs JOE!: The pick was Joe behind the logic that he actually cares enough to change his team name, and did a great job on the new one. Result: Joe Won outright. Mike vs Mike: The pick was &#8220;Moville today, Hoville tomorrow,&#8221; who was a slight favorite. Chest Daddy covered by 46 points. Hot [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-17T17:17:35-04:00
author: Harrison Horsecock
title: 2020 Draft Analysis Revisited
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As the season plows ahead, and injuries and breakouts reforge the fantasy football landscape as we know it, it’s important that we reflect: Reflect on 2020 as a whole, reflect on the fact that just a few months ago, the mere notion of an NFL season couldn’t have sounded more preposterous if it came from the mouth of former league owner Big Baby Bernt himself, reflect on Columbine, and most importantly, reflect on the 2020 GFFL Draft Analysis. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/de/Columbine_Shooting_Security_Camera.jpg" alt="" width="433" height="326" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here and, you guessed it &#8211; it’s already time to revisit my preseason draft analysis! Each week I’ll pick one team from my analysis and compare my prediction to their current situation. This week I’m going to look at my preseason pick to win it all, the&nbsp;<em>Proven</em>&nbsp;Abusers (formerly known as Alvin from the Cosby Show, and more recognizably the&nbsp;<em>Alleged</em>&nbsp;Abusers). Maybe team owner and local dead beat Randy “Fatnuts” Tagliatela should think about changing the team name to “Dog Trash” instead.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/389/292/f65.jpeg" alt="" width="340" height="269" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I&#8217;ll be honest here gang, I was right in the middle of an 87 hour tweak, dickhole-deep in a bucket of slap and crank, and running train on league owner Mike LaPorta when I chose the Proven Abusers to win it all. Clearly, Randy was as well when he drafted this sack of shit.<strong>*</strong> So let&#8217;s make like stomach acid and break down this shitty “lineup” to see just how badly it truly stinks!</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-reddit wp-block-embed-reddit"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div class="embed-reddit"><blockquote class="reddit-embed-bq" style="height:500px" ><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeMeSuffer/comments/9gkc2u/im_not_saying_it_was_meth/">im not saying it was meth</a><br> by<a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/Aminmaya/">u/Aminmaya</a> in<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/MakeMeSuffer/">MakeMeSuffer</a></blockquote><script async src="https://embed.reddit.com/widgets.js" charset="UTF-8"></script></div>
  </div></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li>RB &#8211; Alvin Kamara &#8211; NO</li><li>RB &#8211; Joe Mixon &#8211; CIN</li><li>WR &#8211; DJ Moore &#8211; CAR</li><li>WR &#8211; DJ Chark Jr. &#8211; JAX</li><li>WR &#8211; Keenan Allen &#8211; LAC</li><li>WR &#8211; Michael Gallup &#8211; DAL</li><li>RB &#8211; Leonard Fournette &#8211; TB</li><li>QB &#8211; Josh Allen &#8211; BUF</li><li>WR &#8211; John Brown &#8211; BUF</li><li>RB &#8211; Latavius Murray &#8211; NO</li><li>WR &#8211; Curtis Samuel &#8211; CAR</li><li>RB &#8211; Chase Edmonds &#8211; ARI</li><li>PIT D/ST</li><li>TE &#8211; Chris Herndon &#8211; NYJ</li><li>WR &#8211; Tee Higgins &#8211; CIN</li><li>WR &#8211; Kenny Stills &#8211; HOU</li><li>QB &#8211; Jimmy Garoppolo &#8211; SF</li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i0.wp.com/newsreporter.demo.our-hometown.com/wp-content/uploads/images/2017-04-27/46p1.jpg" alt="" width="409" height="294" /><figcaption>The Proven Abusers</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">At first glance, you might think this team isn’t so bad. And you wouldn’t be alone, considering world renowned fantasy football expert and league owner Marco DeLilli&nbsp;<em>also</em>&nbsp;chose the Proven Abusers to bring home the chip in 2020. “The guy has Joe Mixon<em>&nbsp;AND&nbsp;</em>Leonard Fournette,” said Marco, “and we’re all going to be left punching ourselves in the dick for not drafting those guys while&nbsp;<em>he</em>&nbsp;takes home the title.” Heavy words from a heavy-set guy. But Marco’s weight problem aside, his words serve as the perfect jumping off point to break down this roster:</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/newpix/2018/03/01/10/49AF7FEA00000578-5449055-image-a-40_1519899805527.jpg" alt="" width="634" height="357" /><figcaption>GFFL league owners Pedro “Adolf” Close (left) and Marco DeLilli high fiving it out after a tough Week 1 match up.</figcaption></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list"><li><strong>RB &#8211; “Sloppy” Joe Mixon &#8211; CIN</strong> &#8211; It’s a good thing “Sloppy Joe” beats women, because he definitely can’t beat an NFL defense. I know he was playing with “Slow” Joe Burrow, but the lackluster 6.1 points he put up on Sunday looked like he was playing with <em>slow</em> GFFL league owner Pookie Lucas. Throughout the duration of the game, I legitimately wasn’t sure if it was Joe Mixon on the field, or Ray Charles. But unfortunately for the Proven Abusers, it was Joe Mixon. This performance, like so many others, goes to show why “Sloppy Joe” is a talent-less waste of life, incapable of providing value to any fantasy football team.</li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://igarape.org.br/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/111.jpg" alt="" width="648" height="338" /><figcaption>”Sloppy Joe” heading to his hotel room prior to Thursday night’s tilt with the Browns.</figcaption></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list" start="2"><li><strong>RB &#8211; Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette &#8211; TB</strong> &#8211; Fournette went completely off Week 1. Completely off the radars of 100% of fantasy football owners worldwide, that is. Almost overwhelmed with volume, Fournette managed to turn his 5 carries into as many yards as men he blew prior to the start of the game. “I just wanted  to run for as many yards as guys I blew today!” he cried in the post game interview. And while 5 blowjobs may produce an abundance of semen, it produces little to no fantasy points, thus rendering Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette as useless in fantasy football and life as GFFL league owner Pat Kennedy. </li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://cdn.spermmania.com/preview/128_KawagoeYui_F4KD/SpermMania-KawagoeYui-128-10.jpg" alt="" width="231" height="347" /><figcaption>Leonard “Fivenette” Fournette (center) just minutes before Sunday’s loss to the Saints.</figcaption></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list" start="3"><li><strong>WR &#8211; DJ Moore &#8211; CAR</strong> &#8211; DJ&nbsp;<em>Moore</em>? More like DJ&nbsp;<em>Less</em>. If he’s a star, then life partner of GFFL league owner Chester Lomanto &#8211; John Proske &#8211; is a&nbsp;<em>fucking</em>&nbsp;galaxy. Hauling in an unimpressive 4 of his 9 targets for 54 yards and no touchdowns, Moore was outscored by the likes of Adam Humphries (10.7), Keelan Cole (15.7), and Danny “Dog Cum” Amendola (13.1). All three are available on the GFFL waiver wire at the time of writing; right where DJ “<em>Less</em>”&nbsp;&nbsp;belongs.&nbsp;</li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-reddit wp-block-embed-reddit"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div class="embed-reddit"><blockquote class="reddit-embed-bq" style="height:500px" ><a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/wxgsd/my_gay_friends_just_got_married_and_this_was/">My gay friends just got married and this was their wedding gift from me. Meet Doodle!</a><br> by<a href="https://www.reddit.com/user/ajhe/">u/ajhe</a> in<a href="https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/">aww</a></blockquote><script async src="https://embed.reddit.com/widgets.js" charset="UTF-8"></script></div>
  </div><figcaption>John Proske (left) and Chester Lomanto (right) with new (middle aged?) cat, Doodle (center).</figcaption></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list" start="4"><li><strong>WR &#8211; Keenan Allen &#8211; LAC</strong> &#8211; Speaking of third-rate wide receivers, Mr. Unimpressive himself, Keenan Allen, managed to con his way into a four-year, $80 million extension with the Los Angeles Chargers. After returning absolutely nothing on the investment by posting an unsatisfactory 4 catches for 37 yards, the Chargers&#8217; front office compared Allen’s extension to the birth of GFFL league owner Jack Vandenabeele, stating “it was clearly a giant mistake, and an even bigger waste. We should have aborted.” Considering that the <em>Chargers</em> can’t even find any solace in starting Keenan Allen at receiver, the Proven Abusers certainly won’t be able to either.</li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed aligncenter is-type-rich is-provider-flickr wp-block-embed-flickr"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/afagen/28520410080"><img loading="lazy" src="https://live.staticflickr.com/8637/28520410080_b446a6bb77.jpg" alt="Keep Abortion Legal" width="500" height="331" /></a>
  </div><figcaption>Mary Vandenabeele (not pictured) holds a “Keep abortion legal” sign at a rally earlier this month.</figcaption></figure>



  <ol class="wp-block-list" start="5"><li><strong>TE &#8211; Chris “The Trash Man” Herndon &#8211; NYJ</strong> &#8211; After exploding for .1 points through three quarters, Herndon found himself in his favorite in-game situation: garbage time. This should come as no surprise, considering he shares DNA with GFFL league owner Vinny “Scones” Mosconi and is quite literally,&nbsp;<em>garbage</em>. Herndon gave his postgame interview while eating trash from a teammate’s waste bin, stating “I just love it man. Garbage time, garbage bags, garbage trucks. I just love garbage man.” And that he does, as the third year pro saw his point total skyrocket by 7,600% during garbage time to finish the day with 7.7 points. But the fact is, garbage time only makes up about 15% of a game, and “The Trash Man” simply doesn’t have enough time to make valuable contributions to the Proven Abusers in 2020.&nbsp;</li></ol>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/HmRnGNN.jpg" alt="" width="442" height="331" /><figcaption>“The Trash Man” (right) pictured with local pedophile Terrance Rudes (left) and an unidentified minor (center) before a meal earlier this spring.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Dishonorable mentions: WR &#8211; DJ Chark Jr. &#8211; JAX, and WR &#8211; Michael Gallup &#8211; DAL </strong>&#8211; Looking like they should be playing for Little White on Saturdays at Littauer Field, and certainly not for any NFL Teams on Sundays, Chark and Gallup aren’t even worth the write up. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Original Draft Grade: B+</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>Current Team Grade: V</strong> (“V” is a downward pointing arrow, not to be confused with the similar-looking 22nd letter of the alphabet and much higher grade, “V”)</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://www.selmatimesjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/22/2015/10/morganFW.jpg" alt="" width="600" height="340" /><figcaption>Proven Abusers DJ Chark Jr. (unnumbered), Michael Gallup (unnumbered), and John “Smokey” Brown (21) at practice earlier this week.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Well gang, the bottom line here is that the Proven Abusers better get some lube ready, because they’re about to get non-consensually sodomized by every other team in the GFFL on a weekly basis. These players might make for a good police lineup, but they definitely make for a terrible fantasy football lineup. Unless he commits suicide before, <em>pisspants</em> Randy can expect to take home the <em>Mundane</em> Randy in December (a win/win for GFFL members). Be sure to tune in next week when I revisit league owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas’ mind boggling draft. But I need to get back to tweaking gang &#8211; Mike is waiting. Ciao for now.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://onestopbedwetting.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/adult-bed-wetting-causes-solutions.jpg" alt="" width="393" height="264" /><figcaption>Disgraceful.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>*EDIT: </strong>Apparently Randy actually drafted a&nbsp;<em>fantasy football team</em>&nbsp;and not a sack of shit. Could’ve fooled me.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><em><strong>About the author</strong> &#8211; Harrison HorseCock was born in Azerbaijan. Because his birth was undocumented, it is unknown exactly when Harry was born, however experts estimate it was roughly sometime between 1909 &#8211; 1977. Growing up on the Azerbaijan streets, Harry learned the art of the cock push up from local prostitutes. Over the following decade, he would go on to perfect that art and eventually immigrate to the United States illegally to pursue his dream of becoming the cock push up world champion.&nbsp;</em></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized is-style-default"><img loading="lazy" src="https://epmgaa.media.clients.ellingtoncms.com/img/photos/2013/11/10/Jeffery_Watson_homeless_man_found_in_presidential_suite_t750x550.jpg?d885fc46c41745b3b5de550c70336c1b382931d2" alt="" width="268" height="335" /><figcaption>Harrison HorseCock</figcaption></figure>

excerpt:
  <p>As the season plows ahead, and injuries and breakouts reforge the fantasy football landscape as we know it, it’s important that we reflect: Reflect on 2020 as a whole, reflect on the fact that just a few months ago, the mere notion of an NFL season couldn’t have sounded more preposterous if it came from [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-22T10:28:24-04:00
author: Pat Fenis
title: Tuesday Morning Toilet Talk
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 2 in the GFFL has come and gone and I’m currently getting a hummer from a transgendered, quadriplegic,  homeless man. No time for intros. Let’s dive right in.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="933" data-attachment-id="384" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9573/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg" data-orig-size="1441,1314" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9573" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-384" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg?w=1440 1440w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9573.jpg 1441w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>He has kind of a Troy Tortora look </figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>MERGER/RELEGATION</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It happened to the AFL and the NFL.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It happened to the ABA and the NBA.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">It happened to the AL and the NL.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">With the GFFL holding rank as the Premier Fantasy Football League in Fulton County, NY for over 13 years, it was only a matter of time before a rival league sprang up and forced talks of a merger.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="348" height="1022" data-attachment-id="388" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9580/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg" data-orig-size="563,1655" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9580" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg?w=348" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg?w=348" alt="" class="wp-image-388" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg?w=348 348w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg?w=51 51w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg?w=102 102w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9580.jpg 563w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 348px) 100vw, 348px" /><figcaption>Commissioner Poyfair</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">The Gloversville Poyfair League (GPL), operating out of Dubois Garden Apartments, has been operational for just 2 seasons. Initially thought of as a non-competitor, things turned serious in late August when GFFL founding member Jack Vandenabeele threatened to bolt for an opening in the Poyfair League. Better competition, better friends, and a more lively draft experience were among the reasons given to league Commissioner Close.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="520" height="702" data-attachment-id="385" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9576/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg" data-orig-size="520,702" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9576" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg?w=520" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg?w=520" alt="" class="wp-image-385" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg 520w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg?w=111 111w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9576.jpg?w=222 222w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 520px) 100vw, 520px" /><figcaption>On 9/5/20 the man in back chanted “Jack’s a fag” at his own son</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>GPL Standings (as of 9/22/20)</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">1. Samantha Benton 2-0</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2. Josh Young 2-0</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">3. Shane Calhoun 2-0</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">4. Ricky Morgan 2-0</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">5. Joe Poyfair 1-1</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">6. Matt Poyfair 1-1</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">7. Barkim Ashe 1-1</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">8. Brent Savage 1-1</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">9. Josh Krajcir 0-2</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">10. Bill Close 0-2</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">11. Tammy McCue 0-2</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">12. James Baker, Will Baker (co-owned) 0-2</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Six hours and several gaped holes later, The Commish convinced Jack to return to his home league, but the incident did not go unnoticed.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">While a merger may still be far off, a system of promotion and relegation does seem imminent given the strength of the GPL and a slew of mismanaged, hopeless teams at the bottom of the GFFL.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Finally, an opportunity to replace Marco, Pookie, and Nate with Ricky Morgan, Shane Calhoun, and Josh Young. Or better yet, imagine a GFFL without the LaPorta’s and Vinny but with the Poyfair’s and Tammy McCue.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="932" height="1023" data-attachment-id="410" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/22/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-2/img_9595/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1236" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9595" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=932" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=932" alt="" class="wp-image-410" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=932 932w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=137 137w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=273 273w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9595.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 932px) 100vw, 932px" /><figcaption>Potential GFFL league member and noted Tennessee Titans fan Rick Morgan</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Sounds stranger than fiction, but closer to a reality that most realize. More on this one as both league seasons develop.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>JAEDEE LAVADA TITTY FUCK OF THE WEEK</strong></p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="298" height="166" data-attachment-id="386" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9577/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9577.jpg" data-orig-size="298,166" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9577" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9577.jpg?w=298" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9577.jpg?w=298" alt="" class="wp-image-386" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9577.jpg 298w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9577.jpg?w=150 150w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 298px) 100vw, 298px" /><figcaption>Better than sex if done correctly</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This weeks JLTF for narrowest margin of victory goes to the human embodiment of marijuana and dick jokes, Rock Anich.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">This nail biter vs. the human embodiment of cigarettes, head lice, and dirtstache pussy residue came down to the last half.</p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="635" height="1023" data-attachment-id="397" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9581-1/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg" data-orig-size="1124,1812" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9581-1" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=635" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=635" alt="" class="wp-image-397" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=635 635w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=93 93w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=186 186w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9581-1.jpg 1124w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 635px) 100vw, 635px" /><figcaption>Eric Lucas, BP (before Phish)</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Everyone wants to beat the fuck out of Eric in fantasy football. He smells like cigs, he never washes his dashikis, he complains too much, he does too many drugs for his own good, nobody likes Phish, he drinks and drives, he abuses women, he abuses children and animals, and he fucks his own grandmother. If Marco wasn’t in the league, Pookie would clearly be our shittiest member.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Akin to PK when JaeDee is on her period, we’d all like to fuck the shit out of a huge pussy on occasion. But sometimes you have to settle for a titty fuck. It’s not sex, but it can be just as good in the right circumstance.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="749" data-attachment-id="405" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/22/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-2/img_9594/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,870" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9594" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-405" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9594.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Rock moves to 2-0 and finishes on Pookie’s chin with the 119-110 victory.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>OJ SIMPSON DUMB CUCK OF THE WEEK</strong></p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="224" height="224" data-attachment-id="391" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9583-1/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9583-1.jpg" data-orig-size="224,224" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9583-1" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9583-1.jpg?w=224" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9583-1.jpg?w=224" alt="" class="wp-image-391" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9583-1.jpg 224w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9583-1.jpg?w=150 150w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 224px) 100vw, 224px" /><figcaption>Only running back in NFL history to rush for 2,000 yards in a 14-game season</figcaption></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">At the risk of piling on, it’s Marco. It was always going to be Marco. He’s 0-2 with the lowest points total for the 13th straight season; a remarkable run of ineptitude.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Some say his slow start to the 2020 season stems from using an avatar of a Native American while not having the heart to roster even a single player from the Washington Football Team. </p>



  <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="636" height="358" data-attachment-id="398" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9592/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg" data-orig-size="636,358" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9592" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg?w=636" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg?w=636" alt="" class="wp-image-398" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg 636w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9592.jpg?w=300 300w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 636px) 100vw, 636px" /></figure></div>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">If Marco can remedy this by next week, you might be looking at your Week 3 Minority of the Week.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>RAMS 37, EAGLES 19</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img data-attachment-id="393" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9552/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9552.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1693" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9552" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9552.jpg?w=680" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9552.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-393" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Did PK ever find his clock? Did he actually phone Vose and the LA Rams for information? Did Papa Vose steal the clock because he was high on meth?</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Round 1 goes to Chester’s Rams on the field, but Round 2 will be settled on the mean streets of the GFFL when Pat and Chester face off in Week 9.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>THIS WEEK IN NFL HISTORY</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In Week 2 of the 2006 season, OT Bob Whitfield led the way for the Giants in a 30-24 overtime victory against the rival Eagles. Clearing the way for his young QB, Whitfield allowed Eli Manning to pass for 371 yards and 3 TD’s in the overtime thriller.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">2006 would prove to be Whitfield’s final season in the NFL. It was marred by multiple incidents of head butting opponents during key drives in a move that garnered him the nickname “Head-butt Bob” by teammates and the media.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="682" data-attachment-id="394" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9586/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg" data-orig-size="1200,800" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9586" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-394" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9586.jpg 1200w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>That would seem to explain this</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Whitfield was most recently spotted on Real Housewives of Atlanta where his ex-wife Sheree alleged Bob was abusive during their marriage.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="551" height="1024" data-attachment-id="395" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9587/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,2208" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9587" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=551" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=551" alt="" class="wp-image-395" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=551 551w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=1102 1102w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=81 81w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=161 161w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9587.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 551px) 100vw, 551px" /><figcaption>Don’t believe the hype. Innocent until proven guilty. </figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Alright folks, that’s it for me. Back next week with a special video segment: <strong>Trippin’ with Randy </strong>where we will pump Randy full of barbiturates and LSD, light him on fire, and make him pick games against the spread. Also, a <strong>Where Are They Now?</strong> looking at some former GFFL members. Until then.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="650" height="1023" data-attachment-id="396" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/img_9591/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1772" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9591" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=650" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=650" alt="" class="wp-image-396" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=650 650w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=95 95w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=190 190w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9591.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 650px) 100vw, 650px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>

excerpt:
  <p>Week 2 in the GFFL has come and gone and I’m currently getting a hummer from a transgendered, quadriplegic, homeless man. No time for intros. Let’s dive right in. MERGER/RELEGATION It happened to the AFL and the NFL. It happened to the ABA and the NBA. It happened to the AL and the NL. With [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2020-09-25T08:30:23-04:00
author: Harrison Horsecock
title: Week 3 Sit Down with Pookie
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">People always ask me, “Harry, how are you so good at fantasy football?” The easy answer is because I refuse to allow any Mexicans, Jews, or Oriental minorities on my teams. But the more complex answer is because of hard work, determination, mescaline, and that relentless drive to become champion. Those are the exact things that come to mind when thinking of this week’s guest, GFFL league owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/Ktpkocm.jpg" alt="" width="364" height="485" /><figcaption>Eric “Pookie” Lucas. <strong>Photo</strong> via <strong>LinkdIn</strong></figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Hey gang, 6 time cock push up world champion Harry HorseCock here, and that’s right, this week I’m sitting down with the Nikola Tesla of the GFFL, “Pookie”. In lieu of my traditional re-evaluation of draft picks, I was able to get a rare and exclusive sit-down interview with the wizard himself. As an added surprise, I was also able to obtain statements from team members Chase Claypool and the newly acquired Dalton “Dingleberry” Schultz as they prepared for practice prior to their Week 3 tilt with Amari Christmas. That’s right folks, if you’re reading this, Schultz is officially a member of Team Fuck Jackslife. Eric clearly liked what he saw in “Dingleberry’s” last outing, immediately claiming him off waivers for a whopping $400.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Hey Eric, thank you for having me, and good to see you again. Let’s jump right into this interview with the question weighing heavily on everyone’s mind &#8211; how did you know to draft Johnathan Taylor in the first round?:</em></strong>&nbsp;Well I’d obviously be living under a rock if I hadn’t seen what the kid did in college, and after watching him the first few weeks of training camp, it was clear to me that he’d have a handle on the starting role&nbsp;<em>sooner</em>&nbsp;rather than&nbsp;<em>later.</em>&nbsp;Luckily for us, it happened much sooner than we even anticipated with (Marlon) Mack’s injury. I look at teams run by managers like Pedro and Kennedy, guys who called me stupid for taking Taylor in the first round, who are now on suicide watch for passing on&nbsp;<em>him</em>&nbsp;for the likes of Saquon (Barkley) and (Christian) McCaffrey. And they called&nbsp;<em>me</em>&nbsp;stupid. It’s just funny to me now, and I gotta say, I won’t lose any sleep over watching both of their teams tank this year.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/M5YJ8Wq.jpg" alt="" width="236" height="419" /><figcaption>Eric “Pookie” Lucas on draft day.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Ouch. Pretty heavy stuff, but I’d be hard-pressed to disagree with you. Speaking of other owners, how do you see yourself stacking up against the competition this year?:</em></strong><em> </em>There’s some really good teams this year. Guys like Marco and Mike really managed to put together some stellar squads. But on the other end of the spectrum we have guys like Chester and Rock who really didn’t seem to put any effort into their teams at all. It’s disheartening to see owners like that in what’s supposed to be the premier fantasy football league in Fulton County, it really is. That being said, I think we can compete. We have the talent and depth; it’s just gonna be up to these guys to go out there and perform every week. As long as they do that and stay healthy, I don’t think a playoff berth is out of the question.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>If only it were that simple. Obviously a huge aspect of any successful fantasy football team is management. What do you have to say to everyone that’s criticized how this team has been managed, not only </em>this<em> season, but in years past as well?:</em></strong> As for years past, I can’t say I really blame them. It’s no secret that historically, this team is dog shit, and a major part of that has been my own mishandling as manager. But that was then, and this is now. I guess I’d just tell everyone to look at this year by itself and don’t let our history fool you into thinking this team has been mismanaged. These guys have worked hard, and that hard work shouldn’t be overshadowed by mistakes made in the past that had nothing to do with them. I’d be surprised if anyone is still saying this team is mismanaged by the end of the year. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/J1MeP0x.jpg" alt="" width="246" height="436" /><figcaption>Eric at his niece’s baptism.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>I asked you if you wanted a cigarette before we started and you said no. Care to explain?:</em></strong> That’s right Har &#8211; not during the season this year. No cigs, dope, or drinking until week 16 is in the books.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Strictly hard drugs?:</em></strong> Nope, I’m 100% focused on fantasy football. With teams like Stupid and THE Tight End University allowed into the league this year, I think we have a real shot at sneaking into the playoffs. And our fans definitely deserve it. It’s been a long hard road the past couple of years, (and the couple of years I was allowed in the league back in 08-09) and I just want them to have a playoff team to be proud of. This is going to be one they’ll be talking about for years to come.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/ufWpV6W.jpg" alt="" width="247" height="534" /><figcaption>Eric coming to terms with himself.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Because they might not </em></strong><strong>have<em> a playoff team for years to come?:</em></strong> Exactly. This league is unpredictable, and at any given time, some dumb, cum scum owner like Randy or Natedogg can come along and scum a playoff spot right from underneath you. So we can’t look to the future, and we certainly can’t look on the past right now, but what we can do is focus on <em>this</em> season and do everything we can to give our fans a playoff berth they <em>can</em> look back at for years to come.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>That’d be awesome, and I’m sure they’d all love that, but do you think it’ll be difficult to make the playoffs after starting 0-2 and sitting at 10th in the &#8220;Points For&#8221; category?:</em></strong> I’ve never been a numbers guy, and I always preach to my guys that the numbers and statistics, the wins and the losses, and the points <em>don’t</em> matter. We have a strict policy of not allowing any numbers or statistics or projections at team facilities, and I personally haven’t looked at a statistic or projection in years &#8211; not just for <em>my</em> team, but for any team in the league. They just <em>don’t</em> matter, and we’re just focused on <em>right now</em>. I see these guys everyday at practice and I know what they’re capable of. I don’t need <em>“numbers”</em> to tell me, and I definitely don’t need my guys getting distracted by ‘em either. So we don’t focus on the numbers.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/Bl1f8l5.jpg" alt="" width="261" height="348" /><figcaption>Eric receiving the verdict at his DWI trial.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Definitely understandable. Before I let you get to practice, one last question &#8211; now that we’re a few weeks into the season, is there anything you wish you did differently on draft day?:</em></strong>Hindsight is 20-20 Har. It’s easy to look back and say “I should have taken so and so”, but I got all the guys I wanted this year. The one move I would’ve made differently is trying to take the Steelers defense in the 8th. I know what they say about me &#8211; “smells like shit”, “premature ejaculator”, “mentally disabled”. Maybe they’re right considering I missed that defense, haha. Other than that though, I gotta say I’m pretty happy with the squad.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Thanks Pook, great talking with you again and good luck this week.:</em></strong>&nbsp;Thanks Har.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/hd1Nfs3.jpg" alt="" width="245" height="530" /><figcaption>Tormented by neighborhood kids as well as his peers, “Pookie” attempts to fight back.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">As I left Eric’s office, I ran into Chase Claypool and Dalton “Dingleberry” Schultz on their way to the practice field and managed to get statements from each.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Hey Dingleberry, congratulations on the largest waiver wire signing of the 2020 season so far. Real quick &#8211; how does it feel to be a part of Team FuckJackslife, and do you feel any additional pressure after such a pricey signing?:</em></strong> Hey thanks Harry, big fan of your articles and the WCPUC (World Cock Push Up Championship). It’s great to be part of an organization with such a rich history of losing, because it helps to alleviate some of that pressure that comes from the massive signing. On a lot of teams like Marco’s or Joe’s, a player that’s signed from waivers for so much money is going to be expected to produce on a weekly basis. But Eric (Lucas) has made very clear from the start that <em>here</em>, the numbers don’t matter.  I can go out there every week with my thumb up my ass and my dick in my mouth and drop every ball thrown my way, and not have to worry about my starting job being in jeopardy. It’s a great feeling, and I’m happy to be here.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/rkRzU1o.jpg" alt="" width="262" height="349" /><figcaption>“Pookie” high on bath salts at the beach.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>Thanks Dingleberry. Chase, being one of the originally drafted members of this squad, how do you respond to comments from team owner Eric “Pookie” Lucas claiming the team hasn’t been mismanaged through this point in the season?:</em></strong> The guy don’t know dick! Muhfugga couldn’t tell his ass from a hole in the ground. Startin’ Benny “Smells” Snell and Robert Gronkowski for a muhfuggin -.9 combined points. That muhfugga couldn’t tell the rain from a muhfugga pissin’ on his back, stupid lil bitch. We lose last week cause he starts those muhfugga’s instead of me or 4 Disk [CeeDee Lamb] and he thinks he ain’t mismanage this shit?! Muhfugga smell like dick too, stupid lil bitch. Dumb muhfugga couldn’t start a <em>sentence</em> correctly let alone a muhfuggin’ <em>fantasy football lineup</em>, stupid lil bitch. Been tryna get this muhfugga to trade me to a competitor like Jack, Marco, or Mike but this muhfugga got too much dick cheese in his ears to hear shit, stupid lil bitch.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-resized"><img loading="lazy" src="https://i.imgur.com/758JDj0.jpg" alt="" width="299" height="399" /><figcaption>Eric arriving home after a long days work.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Wow. Definitely some turmoil going on in Denver, whether Eric “Pookie” Lucas knows it or not. It’s also unclear whether or not Eric knows that “playoffs” isn’t synonymous with “championship”, however it is believed he indeed <em>does</em>. Either way we’ll definitely be keeping a close eye on Team FuckJackslife for the remainder of the season. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">That about does it gang. GFFL league commissioner Pedro “Adolf” Close is pressuring me to publish my column by threatening me with the gas chamber, the K is starting to wear off, and Mary V just got here. Ciao for now.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong><em>About the author:</em></strong>&nbsp;Harrison Horsecock is a recovering ketamine addict living in 2020. First arrested at the age of 8 for his involvement in the sales of illicit beef jerky (Azerbaijan has a very strict non-elk policy), Harry found himself in and out of halfway homes during his formative years. It was there he first tried methamphetamine, leading him down a road from crack to angel dust to his ultimate love, ketamine. After multiple unsuccessful attempts at rehab and returning to the Azerbaijan streets as a prostitute in search of K, a fellow prostitute taught him the art of the cock push up. The rest is history.</p>

excerpt:
  <p>People always ask me, “Harry, how are you so good at fantasy football?” The easy answer is because I refuse to allow any Mexicans, Jews, or Oriental minorities on my teams. But the more complex answer is because of hard work, determination, mescaline, and that relentless drive to become champion. Those are the exact things [&hellip;]</p>

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date: 2020-09-25T23:47:32-04:00
author: Praise John John
title: Week 3 DGB Breakdown
images_json: {}
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Sup honkeys, welcome back to the DGB. Had to take a week off to recover from the beat down at the hands of TE University. Fuck Josh Jacobs.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">For the first faceoff we have Sloppy Joe La Porta going up against registered molester Mike &#8220;Chester&#8221; Lomanto. When asked for a comment on the matchup, Joe said a bunch of nonsense about it being a tough matchup and other boring coach speak. Probably due to his head scratching trade he made earlier this week, Joe is a 5 point underdog against the ginger assassin. Chester has ridden the Rams offense and Cam &#8220;Scam&#8221; Newton to a strong 2-0 start, but the Rams finally have a respectable defense to face this week so it may be the end of both his and the Rams undefeated streak. It is well known among the league that as the Eagles go, Pk&#8217;s team goes, but also as the Rams go, so does Copperpots team.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-imgur wp-block-embed-imgur"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div style="width: 640px;" class="wp-video"><video class="wp-video-shortcode" id="video-436-1" width="640" height="360" preload="metadata" controls="controls"><source type="video/mp4" src="https://i.imgur.com/IbKdgek.mp4?_=1" /><a href="https://i.imgur.com/IbKdgek.mp4">https://i.imgur.com/IbKdgek.mp4</a></video></div>
  </div></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Let&#8217;s all hope Chestdaddy is still dancing come Tuesday morning.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Second showdown of the week is a clash of freedom against fascism. Scones is a 2 point underdog against the USSS (Union of Stupid&#8217;s Soviet States). The good guys are without first round pick Mikey Muffins, and of course the bad guys are pulling guys back out of the gulag to reinforce their secret police with Kenny &#8220;gotta start&#8221; Golladay on track to make his debut. Also, due to a rash of injuries, SFP is starting SF RB Jerick &#8221; Circle Jerk&#8221; &#8220;Cum Shot&#8221; McKinnon going up against the laughingstock that is the NY football Giants defense. &#8220;I am pretty afraid of his tight end and I don&#8217;t mean the position in football.&#8221; &#8211; Matt &#8220;SFP&#8221; Close</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-embed wp-block-embed-embed"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <a href="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/95/39/42/953942af1ee7f250411747e8dc5d0c7b.jpg"><img src="https://i.pinimg.com/originals/95/39/42/953942af1ee7f250411747e8dc5d0c7b.jpg" style="max-width:100%;" /></a>
  </div><figcaption>Young SFP</figcaption></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-imgur wp-block-embed-imgur"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <a href="https://i.imgur.com/w6Dgwoz.jpg"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/w6Dgwoz.jpg" style="max-width:100%;" /></a>
  </div><figcaption>Young Stalin</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Quick question for you. What is the difference between a young Stalin and our commissioner in the picture above?  Let me save you some time: Normal eyebrows, and the ability to grow facial hair. That is the entire list.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Third throwdown of the week is the Dirtnap Dogger against a man known to sleep in the dirt with dogs (or the trash based on his interview with Harry earlier this week): Eric &#8220;Pookie&#8221; Lucas. Nate Dogg is a 5 point favorite in the showdown that will finally get one of these teams into the win column. Nate was somewhat unlucky in his week 1 loss, and got stumped last week despite dropping a 140 burger. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/WWq5Vsl.jpg" alt="" /><figcaption>When given the news he was still in the league.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Pookie is lucky to even still be in the league, and scouts are currently scouring the Poyfair League for his replacement. Sources say, &#8220;Give us some time, these Poyfairs are like nothing we have seen before in 45 years of doing this.&#8221; When asked for comment, Nathan said &#8220;I&#8217;m gonna make that hippie haired fuck face wish he never took Jon Taylor in round 1.&#8221; Eric in response said, “That dirty little gringo oh my god I am at a loss for words he called me a hippie. Fucking Nate can take the nastiest fromunda cheese from fucking Nakesha Coco’s pussy lips and modown like its a fucking pancake from Waffle House.&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Fourth feud this week is Mr. Mike &#8220;Ass&#8221; La Porta and Marcus &#8220;Schwed&#8221; &#8220;Bigface&#8221; DeLilli &#8211; Another case of “winner will finally get in the win column.” Both are more than deserving of their winless records, and if Pookie didn&#8217;t look like a descendant of the Poyfairs, one of these two would probably be the front runner for getting a boot right square in the brown eye back to the Bleeker. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/38EyCgV.jpg" alt="" /><figcaption>That&#8217;s Bigface </figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Both of these league legends will be in contention for the Mundane Randy when the time comes. Randy Tag chimed in regarding this matchup: &#8220;I can already taste the bucket of chicken that cum guzzler Marco is going to have to buy.&#8221;</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the fifth fray we have Pat &#8220;Vitamin A Deficiency&#8221; Kennedy head to head with Shaun &#8220;Tractor&#8221; Anich. Suprisingly, Rock is only a 3 point favorite. Pat had an unfortunate accident last week after the Eagles lost to the Rams and didn&#8217;t know what time it happened due to a missing clock. He also lost Saquon to a torn ACL and handled it about as well as you would expect from a rational person like Mr. Kennedy. After giving Jaedee her birthday tittie fucking, he went across the street and attempted to mend fences with all of the Voses. Papa was the only one willing to give him the time of day but that was because he heard about the clock thing. Mr. Kennedy also had some issues with a waiver claim earlier this week but after Mr. Stalin threw down the hammer PK jumped back in line. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/RGEEWSK.jpg" alt="" /><figcaption>We pregame harder than you party dude.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Rock will be without Greg Kittle, but he will have the power of Twitter. Being banned from Twitter within the last 6 months is just a minor detail that won&#8217;t hold ol’ HC Johnson down. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-imgur wp-block-embed-imgur"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div style="width: 640px;" class="wp-video"><video class="wp-video-shortcode" id="video-436-2" width="640" height="360" preload="metadata" controls="controls"><source type="video/mp4" src="https://i.imgur.com/375HikR.mp4?_=2" /><a href="https://i.imgur.com/375HikR.mp4">https://i.imgur.com/375HikR.mp4</a></video></div>
  </div><figcaption>Rock to Boomer Wells wife.</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Well known friend of David &#8220;Boomer&#8221; Wells when asked for a comment Boomer shuttered &#8220;That fucking guy won&#8217;t leave me alone on Twitter ya homeschooled fuck. How would I know anything about your stupid fantasy football league.&#8221;</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image"><img src="https://i.imgur.com/AofYFBW.jpg" alt="" /><figcaption>I&#8217;m going to plow Kennedy</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In the seventh and final fracas we have Jack &#8220;The Gay Red Dragon&#8221; Vandenabeele pitted against the man with the smallest nuts in the league Randy small balls Tagliatela, who comes in as a 1 point favorite. Fucknuts Tagliatela is without DJ Chark Jr, but was reinforced this week by known woman beater Tyreek Hill. He also has a plethora of subpar tight ends, and one guy is even working on a bakers dozen of concussions. Jack must have had his head up his ass Thursday morning when he started Gardner Minshew in place of any functioning human being.  Randy&#8217;s comment regarding this weeks matchup &#8220;Get ready to run into THE STUMP.&#8221;</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-imgur wp-block-embed-imgur"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div style="width: 640px;" class="wp-video"><video class="wp-video-shortcode" id="video-436-3" width="640" height="360" preload="metadata" controls="controls"><source type="video/mp4" src="https://i.imgur.com/Oy0gBHO.mp4?_=3" /><a href="https://i.imgur.com/Oy0gBHO.mp4">https://i.imgur.com/Oy0gBHO.mp4</a></video></div>
  </div></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Let me give you one last video of our current league leader.</p>



  <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-imgur wp-block-embed-imgur"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper">
  <div style="width: 640px;" class="wp-video"><video class="wp-video-shortcode" id="video-436-4" width="640" height="360" preload="metadata" controls="controls"><source type="video/mp4" src="https://i.imgur.com/qo3bymX.mp4?_=4" /><a href="https://i.imgur.com/qo3bymX.mp4">https://i.imgur.com/qo3bymX.mp4</a></video></div>
  </div></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Good luck everyone except tiny testies Tagliatela.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">J.J.C</p>

excerpt:
  <p>Sup honkeys, welcome back to the DGB. Had to take a week off to recover from the beat down at the hands of TE University. Fuck Josh Jacobs. For the first faceoff we have Sloppy Joe La Porta going up against registered molester Mike &#8220;Chester&#8221; Lomanto. When asked for a comment on the matchup, Joe [&hellip;]</p>


date: 2020-09-29T10:30:00-04:00
author: Pat Fenis
title: Tuesday Morning Toilet Talk
content_html:
  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Week 3 is in the books, folks. Let’s test your mental acuity before diving into what is sure to be a very heavy column. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">I’m going to show you photos of three men. Can you distinguish which one of them has Down’s syndrome? </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="595" height="675" data-attachment-id="502" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9833/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg" data-orig-size="595,675" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;Robert Hanashiro&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;USA TODAY Sports&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9833" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg?w=595" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg?w=595" alt="" class="wp-image-502" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg 595w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg?w=132 132w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9833.jpg?w=264 264w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 595px) 100vw, 595px" /></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="218" height="302" data-attachment-id="504" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9799/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9799.jpg" data-orig-size="218,302" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9799" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9799.jpg?w=218" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9799.jpg?w=218" alt="" class="wp-image-504" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9799.jpg 218w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9799.jpg?w=108 108w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 218px) 100vw, 218px" /></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="720" height="1024" data-attachment-id="508" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9804-2/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1601" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9804" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=720" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=720" alt="" class="wp-image-508" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=720 720w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=105 105w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=211 211w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9804.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /><figcaption>Indistinguishable </figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>SLOPPY JOE’S SLOP OF THE WEEK</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="864" height="1023" data-attachment-id="511" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9800/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1333" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9800" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=864" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=864" alt="" class="wp-image-511" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=864 864w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=127 127w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=253 253w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9800.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 864px) 100vw, 864px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In a matchup between two semi-retarded individuals with a combined IQ of 137, something had to give in this standoff of fantasy football peewees Mike and Marco. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Finding himself staring into a gaping 139.18-97.2 hole entering MNF, Mr. Ass watched as Patrick Mahomes nearly brought him back from the ranks of the Beaten in the first half alone, only to come up short with a conservative second stanza.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: Mike climaxes during foreplay costing himself a shot at a more meaningful sexual experience.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Mike to 0-3 while Marco climbs above .300 for the first time in his career.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>WHERE ARE THEY NOW?</strong></p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">In 2015 after two less than stellar stints with the GFFL, local Fulton County drifter Ian Gillis was replaced with Nate. And while the addition of Dogger has proven completely inconsequential in any form positive or negative, there are still those originalists who opine for the days of yesteryear with a Gillis-led lineup in the fray.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Unfortunately, this seems unlikely given the string of incidents Gillis has been involved in since departing the GFFL.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2015</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="890" data-attachment-id="467" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9811/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,1033" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9811" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-467" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9811.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Photos re-emerge of Gillis present on Jeffrey Epstein’s private pedophile island in the late 1990’s.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2016</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="682" data-attachment-id="469" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9815/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,792" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9815" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-469" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9815.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Gillis served as Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign manager in a move that disqualified him from future league consideration in the dark demented eyes of staunch liberal league member Patrick Kennedy.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2017</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="983" height="706" data-attachment-id="470" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9809/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg" data-orig-size="983,706" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9809" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg?w=983" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg?w=983" alt="" class="wp-image-470" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg 983w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9809.jpg?w=768 768w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 983px) 100vw, 983px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Gillis embarked on a widely panned gay biker-themed comedy tour with Louis CK at the height of his 2017 sexual harassment scandal.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2019</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="1024" data-attachment-id="472" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9819/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,1188" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9819" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-472" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9819.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Some say Gillis was responsible for the COVID-19 outbreak after he was spotted unmasked in a Chinese laboratory in late 2019. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>2020</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="613" data-attachment-id="474" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9823/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg" data-orig-size="1188,712" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9823" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-474" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9823.jpg 1188w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>Not a pilot</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Gillis flew the plane that killed Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gigi. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">We all love Ian and it’s a shame to see where life has taken him. But don’t expect him back in the league until he atones for at least some of these sins.</p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>POYFAIR LEAGUE UPDATE</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img data-attachment-id="477" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9824/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9824.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1499" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9824" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9824.jpg?w=769" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9824.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-477" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Kindred spirits or thinly-veiled trash talk? The leagues press on, separate for now but more equal than we’d care to admit. </p>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>FRED POWERS LIFE UPDATE OF THE WEEK</strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="581" height="1023" data-attachment-id="481" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9828/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1982" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9828" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=581" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=581" alt="" class="wp-image-481" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=581 581w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=85 85w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=170 170w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9828.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 581px) 100vw, 581px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">When I first saw this picture of Fred seemingly high on amphetamines waving around a well-lubricated purple dildo and chasing his children about the yard with a pair of ice tongs I thought to myself by golly &#8211; not much has changed since high school. </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="646" height="1023" data-attachment-id="487" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9827-2/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1782" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9827" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=646" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=646" alt="" class="wp-image-487" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=646 646w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=95 95w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=189 189w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9827.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 646px) 100vw, 646px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">But look a bit deeper and you begin to uncover a portrait of a loving, doting father to 2 girls and a devoted husband to his wife, Samantha.  </p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img data-attachment-id="482" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9829/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9829.jpg" data-orig-size="960,960" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9829" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9829.jpg?w=960" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9829.jpg" alt="" class="wp-image-482" /></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="720" height="960" data-attachment-id="483" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9826/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg" data-orig-size="720,960" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9826" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg?w=720" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg?w=720" alt="" class="wp-image-483" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg 720w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg?w=113 113w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9826.jpg?w=225 225w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 720px) 100vw, 720px" /></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph"><strong>OTHER MEN WITH BETTER SEX LIVES THAN ME OF THE WEEK </strong></p>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="1024" height="965" data-attachment-id="489" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9825/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg" data-orig-size="1125,1061" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9825" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=1024" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=1024" alt="" class="wp-image-489" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=1024 1024w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=300 300w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9825.jpg 1125w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px" /><figcaption>Greg Crouse and his girlfriend Shannon</figcaption></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="768" height="1024" data-attachment-id="494" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9831/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg" data-orig-size="1511,2015" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9831" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=768" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=768" alt="" class="wp-image-494" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=768 768w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=112 112w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=225 225w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg?w=1440 1440w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9831.jpg 1511w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 768px) 100vw, 768px" /><figcaption>Derrick Phillips and Marylou</figcaption></figure>



  <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" width="673" height="625" data-attachment-id="498" data-permalink="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/2020/09/29/tuesday-morning-toilet-talk-3/img_9832/" data-orig-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg" data-orig-size="673,625" data-comments-opened="1" data-image-meta="{&quot;aperture&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;credit&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;camera&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;caption&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;created_timestamp&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;copyright&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;focal_length&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;iso&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;shutter_speed&quot;:&quot;0&quot;,&quot;title&quot;:&quot;&quot;,&quot;orientation&quot;:&quot;1&quot;}" data-image-title="img_9832" data-image-description="" data-image-caption="" data-large-file="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg?w=673" src="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg?w=673" alt="" class="wp-image-498" srcset="https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg 673w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg?w=150 150w, https://gffl2020.wordpress.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/img_9832.jpg?w=300 300w" sizes="auto, (max-width: 673px) 100vw, 673px" /><figcaption>Clarence Chamberlain and his blushing bride, Ashley</figcaption></figure>



  <p class="wp-block-paragraph">Composition of this column has proven an exceptionally strange and contemptuous journey for me as I hope it was for you, the reader. Back for more in Week 4. </p>

excerpt:
  <p>Week 3 is in the books, folks. Let’s test your mental acuity before diving into what is sure to be a very heavy column. I’m going to show you photos of three men. Can you distinguish which one of them has Down’s syndrome? SLOPPY JOE’S SLOP OF THE WEEK In a matchup between two semi-retarded [&hellip;]</p>

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